Friday, January 11, 2008

No Tale Tells All #4

Exactly a year ago, I was enduring inpatient treatment at Center for Change, trying to kick my anorexia for good (again). I was not happy to be there. It was the third time I’d dutifully packed my belongings and left my family and friends to “recover,” and I was tired of it. And this time...well…I had to leave my baby. My Cade, who was only four months old at the time.

I was quite a little deviant (not a compliant loser – haha Racher!) and did what I could to bend the rules. From getting in screaming matches with the care techs, (What do you mean we can’t watch King of Queens?! So what? There was like, a few fat jokes, and now you’re going to change the channel?!) to getting in trouble with my therapist for “talking and laughing too much” and not focusing enough on my recovery. She ended up making me wear a sign around my neck that said, “Please do not laugh at my jokes.” Ha! How can you not laugh at my jokes? I can’t help that I’m fricikn’ hilarious.
I mean, really.
And how do you get in trouble for laughing too much? Was I in a cushy treatment center that cost over a grand a day, or was I in a Nazi concentration camp? You tell me.

I reflect back on all that, and yeah, some of it is hilarious, like when Whit and I named her tube Fatty McButter Pants and got in trouble, or when Whit, Savannah, and I were just wickedly tickled when they served chocolate covered bananas for evening snack that looked like, well…can I be honest here?
They looked like dildos.
C’mon, people! Serve us something that isn’t teeming with sexual jokes. Our therapists weren’t too pleased with that one, either, were they girls?!

But as much fun (er, I mean un-fun) as I had, and as much as I learned, I’ve finally grasped the concept that there’s nothing better than working at recovery and staying out of that prison where they serve way too much food:

Me (to tech): Um, I was just given three pieces of cheesecake and a huge glass of chocolate milk. Everybody else got like one piece or even half a piece. Are you sure this isn’t some gross miscalculation on the cook’s part?

Tech: No. You’re not allowed to ask questions about what you’re served. You know you’re on weight-gain, so try not to worry and just eat it. (ha! As if!) Now bend over so I can wallop your rapidly growing butt. (Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but it does quite often in my dreams.)

And now, here I am, a year later, working a steady job (without having to ask frequently for days off because I’m so sick from starving myself or am too anxious and/or depressed to make it). I’m currently chowing down on Chex Mix and a sugar cookie, (kind of a sketchy combination, but it’s totally working for me) and I'm not feeling paralyzing guilt for eating and am not overly worried I'll gain thirty-seven pounds for having a snack. I have the coolest kid in the world that I get to laugh with and play with and tickle and hug and kiss and love every single day. I have the most amazing hubby ever, who has never once wavered in his love and dedication to me throughout all this. I almost couldn’t be happier. Wow. I never thought I’d say that!

So here’s to never going back to treatment again! Here’s to being imperfect and a bit uncomfortable in this skin of mine. Here’s to quitting modeling, here’s to sticking around for my husband and son, here’s to thriving. Here's to life. Damn. I so wish I had a glass of sparkling cider or something. I think a major toast is in order!

15 comments:

Whit said...

Okay, so lets be honest....I am having a slightly difficult time right now and reading your blog put a smile on my face. I am so freaking proud of you! To see the difference in you now versus a year ago is incredible. You are an amazing person and I hope you never forget that.

I can't wait to see you tonight!

Love Always,

Whit

Kate said...

Brie. You give me hope. Thank you so damn much for fighting. You are awesome and can always put a smile on my face.
Luv ya!
kate

Emily said...

You give me so much hope and courage. I am so proud of you!

Abby said...

Brie, I love your whole blog. You make me laugh and laugh! And I am so happy for you. Being done with the whole eating disorder thing is pretty much amazing, eh?

Love, Abby

KC Elaine said...

cheers to you! haha, we both used the same picture today.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

Thanks for sharing Brie, I look at your blog EVERY DAY Hoping to see a new post. How come you never write me back from my emails to you? I wish we could talk more! Do you remember I came to see you at the CFC when you went in the first time and I brought you flowers with Kathy Player? You weren't up for visitors at the time but I was there!

heather said...

I'll toast you a hundred times over for your astounding efforts and successes at recovery! It's not an easy road to take, and we're doing it! It's nice to hear that you're taking so much better care of yourself now, versus when I knew you in Utah. Yeah, those were pretty awful days.....days and weeks and months and years that I never want to return to, and I'm sure you'll agree! I can't wait until the next time we meet up and we're both curvy and don't mind a bit.

Brandon said...

I have had some rough days taking you to the center, lonely nights while you were there, and low lows hearing about how hard it was for you. All worth you, all worth your recovery. And right now, the days are smooth, the nights are uh, not lonely, and you put me on a high every time I see you at 5:15. You go woman. Or as you would have me say it, you go girl.

Anonymous said...

All the low lows and bitter times have combined to give you experience and friendships and maturity. The Center kept you alive and now we have the real Brie! And you are more than enough! You have changed all of our lives, for the good I might add! Love Mom

sav said...

Brie, this was a much needed post for everyone I think. You are such an inspiration to all of us, and we are all very lucky to even be able to know you. Actually, it's kinda funny because there are some people that have gone onto my myspace page, and are like "Who is that girl, the really gorgeous one?" and then they point to you. I almost always have the same reply, "BRIE...oh my gosh we have had some awesome times! She is so funny, and loves to make sick jokes like I do, and she's a really good friend, and check out these pictures of her family...aren't they such an awesome looking family." You are seriously such an inspiration to me Brie, and I am so friggin' proud of you!!!

Love, Sav

P.S. YES!! Our therapists were not happy with us :) Oh well...

JustinandNichole said...

LOL. I am so glad you are doing better but I am also happy that I wasn't at the center when you were the last time. Mostly because you were hilarious and I would have hated having to be the one to get you to stop talking about the banana/dildos or tell you that you should eat all of the cheesecake and not worry about it. (I loved my job, but some things about it sucked) I probably would have come home and laughed about it and told my husband that they served you obscene treats and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Anyway, you are a great writer and I am extremely stoked that you are doing well! Keep it up!.

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alriggells said...

I am right there with Whit, I have been struggling, but you always give me hope. I don't know what you have seen in me to continue a friendship with me, but whatever it is you see I am lucky you see it. I am so grateful for your friendship, you love, your inspiraton. You are one amazing chica and I wouldn't give anything to change meeting you, and having you in my life. You are you, and I am so glad you are I love you and always remember that you are one special and amazing individual. Love you

Alisa

Ash said...

Hahaha!! I love this post! It's so comical in a totally "I am going to do this" kind of way! Oh gosh, we all hate the center, I mean there were it's fun moments, but ultimately recovering is more fun than being in that "Cushy fat camp". Anyway kudos to your post! I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Shannon said...

All I can say is, I dont blame you for laughing at the Bananas! When youre in situations like that, you NEED to be able to laugh! I love your posts and how honest you are. I have been reading that ladies blog you have on your site called "Digest" and all i can say is after reading it, I was going to go to the gym. But then I realized, heck no! I'm going home to be with my hubby and eat pizza! Thanks for your awesome example Brie!