Friday, January 18, 2008

A Few Things

First off:
I have had a headache – nay, a migraine – for five days in a row now. Why?? I used to suffer from excruciating headaches, but it was the combined consequence of starving myself, dehydration, and abusing diet pills. At the time, the pros of my eating disorder (weird, I know) outweighed the physical pain I had to endure. But now – now I eat and drink and you couldn’t get me to touch diet aids with a 485875830320 foot pole. But my head hurts. And nothing helps. And all I want to do, as I’m sitting at work, is bang my head against my desk uber hard till it knocks me out. At least then my head won’t hurt anymore. But I’m pretty sure I’d get fired or sent for a psychiatric evaluation or something, so I’m desperately trying to refrain.

And another thing:
It’s cold. As in, ridiculously. The cold bites at my nose and ears and swims down my throat. I’m always numb. My hands are purple, my toes are curled in my shoes. The steering wheel of my car is so cold in the morning, I can’t even hold it – it’s turned into a veritable chunk of ice. A chunk of ice whose sole purpose is to freeze me so thoroughly that it will reduce me to tears that freeze in the corners of my eyes. The cold is everywhere, it is absolute. And I hate it. Why do I live In Utah again?

One last thing:
Life is just relentless, isn’t it? I’ve had to deal with depression and anxiety for so, so many years, and finally, well, I seem to have a handle on things pretty respectably. I’m not always happy, but my good days outweigh my bad days, and that is something to be proud of, because damn. I’ve worked hard for it. But I see so many around me that I love so dearly struggle, and I wonder, why?? Why is life so persistent in testing your limits? I mean, it’s ruthless. And I see all this darkness everywhere…all this desolate cold, white fog, and I just want to give in to the despair. Not for me, but for so many who hurt. I won't say who in this blog, because it’s private. And it’s not just one person. But I just want to say to so many of you out there to please just keep trudging along. Life can be unyielding at times in its grip on you – and sometimes that grip can be full of darkness and white-hot fear – but sometimes it can be blindingly bright, and in those times, those good times, you remember that life can be an incredibly beautiful thing. So please. Please hold on for the light to come again. The warmth will reach you, it will warm you. Please hold on. I have been through your darkness. I have been blinded to everything but the grief and anger and despair that was all-consuming. But I can see now. And it’s beautiful. But you have to keep going.

Sorry, readers. My posts can't always be cheerful and humorous. Tomorrow I'll try to think of something light and fluffy to write about. That is if my head stops hurting and my hands go back to being pink and warm and life stops sucking for everybody that I love. All that by tomorrow? Hmmm. I highly doubt it. Okay. Well at least none of us have butt cancer, right? Am I right, or am I right?!


Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

Sometimes I want to say so many things in response to your posts. But I am shy and prefer not to announce to the world my imperfections, I will email you instead, but one thing I will say...I have always suffered from headaches as well. Do you mind if I ask what birth control you are taking (if any) because I think I have come upon a discovery. I had headaches EVERY SINGLE DAY, I DO NOT exaggerate, while I was taking Yasmin (an estrogen + progesterone pill) until I went off birth control to get pregnant, then all the sudden I stopped getting my headaches. Since having Conner I had to go on a progesterone only birth control pill (because of breastfeedinbg) and I still haven't had my headaches return. I do get them occasionally but not like before. Just something to think about. Okay off to send you an email to your inbox...

alana said...

1. sorry about the migraine! no fun at all! hopefully you will feel better tomorrow so we can still play. if not, i'll bring you lunch and come watch your little man or something so you can try to rest.
2. i vote for winter to be over. since you seem to be a good candidate as an avid supporter of my cause, i may enlist you to round up some folks to sign the "end winter" petition i am drafting up...
3. i can't even tell you how proud i am of you. you have fought so hard and are finally seeing some results from it. you are a truly amazing woman. yes i said woman, even though i know you don't like it, because it seems weird to think of a little girl having a mini man like the cader. but seriously, you amaze me. way to rock it in recovery!
4. peace out homie. i love your guts!

Anonymous said...

Thank have no idea how much you mean to me - honestly. Yesterday was a big help and I'm looking forward to our evening hang out times too.

I love you

T.S.T. said...

Please be gentle with yourself this weekend, Brie. I'll be sending kind and comforting vibes through the ether in your general direction. (Or something like that . . . .)

Candidate for truest truism: pain sucks hard.

KC Elaine said...

thanks for the encouragement. you are amazing, and I hope your head stops hurting and your body stops freezing.