Thursday, January 31, 2008

Body Image Blues

I desperately wish I could see myself accurately. Body Dysmorphic Disorder sucks. Big time. For an entire week now, I haven’t been able to get it out of this crazy noggin ‘o mine that I am Fat. Portly. Chubby. Overweight. Chunky. I am Gross. I Am Gaining Weight. Or Something.
Isn’t that supposed to be the goal? Aren’t I striving for that? This is going to be the ultimate test: can I stay in physical recovery from Ed (that fat bastard) even when I’m at a healthy weight? I must admit that eating whatever I want is a huge perk when I remain underweight. I feel like I’m gaining, though. The million dollar question: am I really gaining, or do I just think I am? I don’t have a scale, but I swear that my pants feel tighter. Do I resemble a walrus more and more everyday? Because I swear I see a gargantuan, fatty walrus in the mirror.

Whoa. Enough! I think I better go get a candy bar or something to help get these nonsensical thoughts to leave my head immediately. I hate that eating disorders not only attack your body, but they harass your mind and spirit, too.

This blows. Hardcore.

10 comments:

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

I feel the same way Brie.

KC Elaine said...

this does suck and I feel huge too. :( But you know you're tiny hon, and even when you gain weight you will still be beautiful and NOT fat. but yes, I agree, it SUCKS that this attacks your peace of mind.

heather said...

Oh Brie...I"m so sorry you're feeling so down and grumpy about yourself. Even though I've been at a healthy weight now for several years now, I still have those awful thoughts from time to time. But they DO pass. They become less and less frequent as you keep persevering in recovery. It sucks, it truly does, but don't give in to it....then it'll only make it harder later on....but I know you know this already. Believe Brandon, believe your friends, believe your family....they won't lie to you, although you may think they sometimes do...they'll be honest. If you can't "see" yourself as you really "are" right now, then rely on others for a while, although I know this too is hard. But you CAN do this. It's not easy. But truly the thoughts really do decrease the more you fight them! I can attest to that! I believe in you and know you can beat this.

aLana said...

"dear Ed,
we hate your stinking guts. you make us vomit. you are the scum between our toes.
love,
cfc elite!"

ps.. this is from a movie, do you remember which one? and i find the second sentence to be SO hilarious in its original form because i didn't even have to alter it for it to apply perfectly! hahahahahaha!

but for realsies, i'm sorry body image is such a horrible, crappy, no fun at all kind of thing. why doesn't dr. ellis get working a bit harder to find a B.D. pill? he sure has found the right combo for everything else in life! i love you brie, so go have yourself a chocolate banana milkshake or something and tell yourself that i said its okay! :) see you tomorrow! i'm so excited to see you!

Emily said...

Brie, I feel the exact same way you do. Every day I look in the mirror and literally see this huge whale of a person when, really, I am of average weight. And kc elaine is right, when you gain weight, you will still be beautiful and not fat. I promise!

Stacy said...

ditto... sorry it sux.

Whit said...

I'm sorry that you feel that way friend. Please know that you are the farthest thing away from a walrus. You have never been, are not, and will never be fat. I know that they always tell us to believe that and we don't but it's true. I love you so much and hate to see you struggling. If you weigh yourself though we are going to have a little problem...I will be forced to open a can of whoop ass.

Love Always,

Whit

KC Elaine said...

thanks for your long comment. the last couple days I've found hope and motivation, but the hard part is actually being able to do it once you decide to get better. but the good news is I'm back - I want to get better again, but how? I'll be with Nils this weekend, so eating should be easier. hang in there. xo Kyla

Monica said...

Hye sweetee hotteee! Yep, Ed does haunt, manipulate and distort our vision.
Have that be a reality...that is a thing that tries to mess with your head. It seems like you are challenging the loud chatter. All we can do is attempt to quiet the chatter and keep on with our lives.
Ya know, your lil' manly, your fam,loving hubby and your freinds...see the real you... the true soulful spirit!!! through all that crap. Feelings and beliefs pass and change...so try to "ride the "wave" and you will sense the peace again:>
I love you!!! you are more than your physical!!!!!!!!!!

Tanya said...

I am so sorry Brie. I know it sucks, but I have to agree with others in that you will never look like a walrus, your beautiful inside and out. Sometimes I wish we could kill ed once in for all so that he can't sneak attack our minds when we think we have things under control. Hugs..