Monday, January 21, 2008

At a Standstill

I’m immobile. I feel I’m stuck in a perpetual area of quicksand, unable to move forward or backward. This impasse I’m knotted in is beginning to get maddening. I’m making no leaps and bounds forward in recovery. I’m still terribly underweight. More than a few times every day I get down on myself and have extremely negative body image. I still cannot correctly see myself in a mirror – I do not see how thin I really am, for I still forbid myself to see anything other than the fat, the flaws, the imperfections. I am eating, and the foods I eat have broadened to more than just fruits and vegetables, and I allow myself fattening foods and sweets in moderation, but I can’t gain weight. Like I said, no real, active steps of improvement are being made.

On the other hand, I’m not moving backward, either; which is quite relieving. I am not actively restricting or hurting myself in any way. I do not weigh myself, and I have no plans to lose weight or pull the wool over my family’s eyes in order to allow myself to keep my anorexia. But I’m stuck. I’ve been in this I-need-to-gain-weight-but-just-can’t/won’t/am afraid to/it’s so hard/I eat so much but just can’t put weight on-place. So, I’m on hold. And it’s my fault. Fear of the unknown has frozen me in place, and meanwhile; I’m very slowly sinking in the quicksand I’ve freely walked into.

So what do I do?

Some (usually the ignorant to my situation) say that I should go back to treatment. Yeah, as if that would ever happen in a million years.

Many more are in favor of the NJ tube, and for those of you reading this who aren’t sure what it is, (which isn’t many of you) it means I’d have a tube going down my nose, through my stomach, and into my small intestines to help supplement the food and calories I can’t physically eat myself to help me gain weight. But I don’t want to do this, please don’t make me do this; it’d be scary and hard and embarrassing. I don’t want to wear my anorexia like a badge of humiliation where everyone can see it. Please I don’t think I can do it what do I do?

And very few people (well really, just me) seem to think that I’m okay just the way I am. But sometimes I’m scared to stay this way, but I’m even more scared of changing.

Like I said, I’m stuck. And I have no idea how to summon the courage required to save myself, to move, to take that first step.

14 comments:

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

I just made a comment but I deleted it and am going to send it to your email.
love ya

Emily said...

I don't think a tube would be a bad idea. You obviously cannot eat enough to gain the weight... I know it's hard and scary and embarassing, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe you should talk with your doctor. Maybe he/she will have some words of wisdom for you.

Kate said...

Gosh Brie, reading your blog just pulled a deja vu over me. I can completely remember being in this situation at a time long ago in my ed.
I think it's so awesome that you are able to recognize this and blog about it. It shows how amazingly strong you are in your commitment to recovery. Way to be congruent.
You rock.
(I'm not sure if my comment makes sense...it didn't come out quite the way I wanted but all I'm trying to say is that I'm so proud of you.)
Luv ya

brydelle said...

Hey, Brie. I really don't know what to say to this, I mean, I feel like I can relate on some level to what you're going through. Not about the particulars of your struggle, but I think that a lot of people know what it's like to try to fix a problem and then be sort of stuck in the in between stage. I'm sorry that things are hard, and at the same time, I'm glad that you are eating. I obviously don't know what the solution is, but I just thought I'd say that I love you and I miss you (we have got to do something soon) and that you inspire me.

Whit said...

Lover,

As hard and scary as it would be I really think that you ought to consider getting back into therapy and getting the tube ASAP. I know that you are doing such an amazing job at kicking ed's ass, but unfortunately that doesn't mean that your body is safe(because you are so underweight.) You have so many people that would be willing to help you through the emotional issues that weight gain would bring up. You rock my world! Know that I will support whatever decision you make!

Love Always,

Whit

Mom said...

I used to measure God's approval by how well my life seemed to be going. How could I have been so stupid because opposition and difficulties are the point! not the punishment. This life is a school, not a vacation. God plans but we choose. Brie, many physical hurts come because our Spirit intrinsically knows but our body is on its own course.(duh.) Your migraines, your depression, your tiredness, could be your own(un) civil war. Because a battle is being fought. By taking the leap of faith to nourish your body again your Spirit will also find comfort and refreshment and your disquietness will slowly pass as you find rest in Him. D & C 112:10. Begin counting your Victories in your war! The very fact you are here with a man child and a loving husband is your miracle but wars are never won by quitting. Drink a boost every time you blog. Now there is a new strategy and always know that I am proud of you!!

alana said...

first of all, i love your random graphics! haha do you just photbucket them? second, i know how frustrating it is to work so hard with seeminly marginal results that leave you feeling unmotivated to continue your relentless hard work. but brie, for real, i am SO proud of you for working so hard to stay out of treatment. isn't kinda sad that THAT is the goal for so many of us>?! that joke aside, staying healthy enough to fight while living outside of treatment is a huge feat when battling ED. its so much easier to fight when all control is taken away and you are in a controlled environment, but its not REAL. so way to fight brie! :) lastly, as much as it would suck and be embarrassing to have to walk around with the tube, is it really any different than walking around so severely underweight? in both cases you don't look healthy. you might think it says "i can't take care of myself" by being in public with the tube, but by looking so obviously underweight, isn't it saying the exact same thing? at least with the tube you are obviously trying to help the situation. i hope this all made sense. i also hope i haven't said anything offensive or out of place. its your decision, its a damn hard one, but i'm here for you and support you either way. i love you babe!

Kathy with a K said...

Hey Brie,
It's me, the "new girl on the blog" again.
Here are my thoughts on your last post.
First...give yourself a break. Old habits are so very hard to break; and I understand the habit of constant self-criticism. Counter each negetive thought with a positive one. Get in the habit of hushing the voice that keeps telling you how far you have to go, how badly you're doing. Would you ever speak to Cade in the voice you use for yourself? I'm a mom...I know the answer to that one!
Speak to yourself using the words and tone you would use with Cade.

"Repetition brings familiarity, and familiarity is the opposite of the unknown." - Steven Levenkron

Taking care of yourself, giving yourself positive thoughts is unknown. Keep at it. You're on your way. Being a mom has helped me so much. Use that same mothering on yourself.

brie said...

Kathy, do I know you? You seem so familiar, and you always have such amazing things to say, but I'm having a hard time placing my finger on if I've met you or not.

Kathy with a K said...

No, I'm afraid we've never met. I came across your blog randomly. Your writing struck a familiar cord with me and I just had to respond!
I live way across the country in Ct.

brie said...

Oh, that's great! It's so nice to meet people who are familiar and understanding...even when we've never officially met. Do you have a blog or a website anywhere?

Kathy with a K said...

No blog or website yet...
I've been dreaming of a blog...
Maybe soon!

heather said...

Okay, pretty much everyone has said what I would've. You're so hard on yourself, but then again, most of us are. You're not perfect, and neither is recovery. Even though you're doing wonderfully, it's the little things that keep us stuck. That's when it's the most important to surround yourself with those who are pro-recovery as well. Those who, although are struggling themselves, or who've already reached full recovery.....don't trigger you. Personally, I found that making non-ed friends was actually one of the biggest steps I took that helped me get better. Also, I'm not going to tell you one way or the other about the tube. That's between you and your doctor. But we should talk sometime about it on the phone. I have some questions that might help you think about this. I support whatever you do, though!