I am an Über bitch without you – and you know that’s hardcore because I just spent five minutes looking for the place I could insert that legit looking U with the dots on the top. I decided to wean offa you because I’ve been dependent on you for years and Girlfriend wanted to try to be an island – or at least not an infant, completely dependent on the beloved Serotonin you bathe my brain in daily. But noooooo. Noooo more! Diet Coke alone does not give Breezy enough Serotonin with its promising caffeinated bubbles that burn baby burn as they wash down my throat…
Without you in my life, I:
1. Hallucinate and think my cat is missing an arm/leg thingy
2. Throw things at my computer screen when I see YET ANOTHER person has announced a pregnancy on facebook
3. Cry when my alarm goes off in the morning and then mutter things like DIE MY LIFE DIE!!! And then sob IdidmybestIdidmybest guys, Ididmybest OKAY GUYS? Sniffle sniffle moan. Rent clothes, rave, rant, collapse on the floor, groan.
It’s hard to know if you’re turning me insane because I need you to live, or if because I’ve tried to taper you too quickly and my cerebral cortex-o is mad – nay, dear [antidepressant], INCENSED about that.
At any rate, I pretty much hate you, but am resigned to the fact you may play some role in my life until I keel over. You’s a dick.