Monday, March 8, 2010

Not Quitting, Just Questioning

Hi friends. Sorry my posts have been a bit…weird?...as of late. Truthfully, it’s a pretty difficult time for me and my family. You know what they say; life is like a ferris-wheel. Sometimes you’re up, and sometimes you’re down. Right now I’m down. And I’m totally kidding I have no idea who the hell says that but whatever.

You know how they say that in re-feeding, the vast majority of the weight you gain goes to your stomach first, before it redistributes more equally to other parts of your body? Well I’m totes confused because my treatment team has told me that I’ve lost weight, yet yet AND YET even from trying on pants, say two weeks ago, I had to try on a bigger size. So did all the weight migrate from my stomach to my ass? And how in the world does that equal WEIGHT LOSS?

Its times like these, dear readers, when I question weight gain and recovery because it just doesn’t make FREAKING SENSE to me. Weight lossssss=a biggggggger pant size? Someone? Anyone? Bueller?

I’m tired. I’m not giving up on recovery by any means, but I am questioning it – mostly because you know what? People tell you that you’re going to be happy! and everything will be just fine! and blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity! When you gain weight and are “recovered.” But I don’t feel any of those things. If anything, things are worse than they’ve been in a long time: My husband is jobless, there’s a major dickface in my family who is ruining my sister’s life, as Kendall’s due date rapidly approaches, I feel like I die a little more each day – the mourning and pain is indescribable. Would any of these things be better if I were xx lbs lighter? Of course not. I know this. But in my warped brain, I feel like I could handle it better.

Anyway.  Just getting out a bit of frustration.
Time to go eat dinner.

22 comments:

Tanya said...

I know things are hard right now but you are bringing so much hope because of how you are able to handle the crap situations you are having to deal with. You are so strong Brie and I hate when people tell me this but I believe it when I say you are very strong and you will get through this...things will go back up. Briester you can totally rock this no matter how much it sucks right now.

agoraphob said...

Hi

I know recovery sucks ass, but eventually it is worth it. Seriously, I do not sugar coat and I am not a walking hallmark card by any means, but I gave myself one year after weight gain,being in a solid recovery (i dont belive in recovered), etc, before I gave myself the option of throwing in the towel and going back to the disaster that was my life. I have been in recovery for two and half years now, so obviously there was something worth it to me. Even when shit hit the fan at times, I found that overtime I was much mroe resiliant. I can also say that early recovery for me meant sitting on the floor and crying for about an hour a day. And then when I was done, I picked myself up and kept going.

Dont want to sound like this is all about me, but just wanted to let you know you arent alone. Sometimes recovery blows, but it sucks less when life takes a dump on you and you dont have to worry about having an ED on top of all that. Because an ED doesnt make it go away (no matter how much I thought it would)

Hang in there. You can do this!

standing in the rain said...

I hear you. It does sometimes feel like going back to the ED would make things better, or at least make me feel better. But we both know the truth, that it sucks, and it hurts (not only ourselves but those we love), it makes us irritable, it makes us annoyed, it makes us numb. And yes, sometimes that is nice. But that isn't really living, you know?

When I was "recovered," things really did FEEL good. Life certainly wasn't "fixed", shit still happened (and I think that is one of the biggest lies about recovery...that everything is all peaches and cream suddenly), but I was better able to deal with it and just move on. And the good times were infinitely better than any facade of "good times" with anorexia. But this took time, it took a bit to get used to the new body and getting used dealing with emotions in a healthier way. It took pushing past the frustration of it all.

So, all that to say, that even now, in the midst of a slight relapse, I am not even in the least fooling myself into thinking that recovery "wasn't that great" and that life still sucked. Because yes, life will always have hard times, but being recovered was infinitely more enjoyable. It really was. And I believe that it will be for you too. That's not to say that things aren't shitty-ass right now, they are, and I'm sorry, but it WILL get better. And if you hang in there with this whole recovery she-bang, you'll see it. If you go back, well, we all know where that leads.

Anyways, keep writing it out Brie. Don't feel like you have to be all "recovery rah-rah-rah" if you don't feel it. Thinking of you...

Maeve said...

As someone who has stayed "weight restored" (and even above thanks to bulimia) for a few years now I can honestly tell you that gaining weight does not make you happy.

BUT

That's only half the story.

When I got to my set point the first time I wasn't happy. There was no click in my brain that said "okay you're a healthy weight now you can go on with your life and be recovered." This is all true.

But things DID change when I reached that weight. I had more energy. I was healthier. My hair started to thicken and shine. My nails stopped peeling. My skin started glowing. My body radiated with joy at being weight restored even when my mind couldn't understand why.

Gaining weight might not make you happier, but it will give you the strength to do the things that WILL make you happy.

Even on my darkest days when I hate my body, my life, my soul, I would never want to go back to feeling how I did at my lowest weight.

You might not get a quick fix, but recovery is worth it.

P.S. WE LOVE YOU BRIE!!

brie said...

thanks for the inspiring words, ladies. 'preciate it. xo

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

It sucks right now, but it is definitely worth it. And in your heart of hearts you know it too. I'm sorry it is such a hard time for you and your family right now. I know there are no words that can really take the pain away. Just blog your little heart out and keep plodding along, one day a time. Sending love and strength.

Spaghetti Friendship Flea Market Piano said...

i havent ever commented before, but i hope that everything works out for you... thats all that i can think to say <3

Keely said...

You know, I totally HATED it when people said it so much better! and life is awesome! and go recovery! when I was struggling day-to-day to just stay above water. But being many years out in recovery, I can say that it is better-in some ways.

Health of course tops the list, but also emotionally I am better able to cope with stress, I can cognitively function at work. I don't think about food anymore. I don't obsess anymore. I just eat it. I eat what I want. And move on.

But being recovered is a lot harder too. I sometimes wish I had it back soooo bad. For the security part of it. The simplicity.

It is hard to function as a normal person. Building those emotional and stress coping skills that atrophied during my eating disorder. Having to face life with no excuses i.e. "I didn't do well in school because I was sick. " The fear of really facing life and knowing I have the challenges of relationships, school, work, etc that have no guarantees that things will go as I intend them to. Making mistakes. And trying to pull it back together.

Living with ED was comforting but self limiting. Life is harder. But worth more.

Sarah said...

Thanks for being honest with us. You are very brave. I understand the extreme frustration with someone who is ruining your sister's life--I am going through that with a friend's significant other right now and it just sucks to stand idly by when you really want to ram them over with a car. I can't imagine that on top of your husband's situation and your recovery. It's a lot. I know you can do it though!!! You are braver and stronger than you realize.

licketysplit said...

I'm sorry things aren't going well with your family right now, but I am glad you all have each other to lean on. It seems like you are all very close and supportive of one another which is great.

I think it is totally normal to question recovery and wonder how it can possibly be so great when it feels so MISERABLE most of the time. For me it took time. I had glimpses along the way, but the longer I went without ED behaviors the more room I had for other things and thoughts in my life and I realized how much I had been sacrificing for the ED. I appreciate the little things like the fact that I can daydream about things other than losing weight or eating "scary" foods or being thinner than so-and-so. I think one of the biggest things I am grateful for is not feeling that immense, unbearable guilt for eating. I do still sometimes have some anxiety regarding food but it is nothing like it used to be.

Thank you for writing this, it has really made me think about my motivation for recovery and why I need to keep pushing forward and not allow myself to fall back.

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Brie- I am not sure what else to say, other than I hope you know how much you are loved; not only by your family and friends, but also by God. Sometimes God hands us obstacles not to "ruin" our lives, but to see how well we can handel them. It's a part of life. I genuinely believe that you will get through these triumphs that have found their way to your current time of life (as well as to your families). It is time to keep swimming, and resist temptation to sink (rather than swim).

Keep going. Keeping holding onto faith (and if you don't have any, it's time to work your ass off to find a little faith). This too shall pass. You are strong. And beautiful. And amazing. And you will overcome this. I genuinely believe in that.

XOXO,

-L

alriggells said...

I'll help with the dick face, I am here for you if you need anything with Kendall, and I asked my uncle about jobs, but no luck yet. I am on the look out. I love you and your family and hope you know I care. Things aren't easy but they are worth it. I love you

alriggells said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather Lindquist said...

Being recovered for a few years now, I must admit that life is NOT full of puppies and rainbows. It wasn't when I was anorexic, and it isn't now. However, being healed physically (and in the process, emotionally), being at a healthy weight range has helped me better able to manage the crap life hands me now and then. If I was still anorexic at this point (with all the stress I'm currently under), I think I'd do myself in. And I mean that quite literally...."in the grave" kind of way. Being healthy in body and mind has taught me that I CAN conquer things I previously thought I was too weak to handle. And yes, my thoughts certainly do go back to those days of coping by restricting, but each day, week, month, and year it truly does get easier and easier to push those thoughts away and stomp the hell out of them! I have total faith that you can do this. It will NOT be easy, no one ever said it would be, in fact....you'll have a ton of stories to share b/c of it that I can't wait to read! But, seriously, when I think of you, and all of us "gals" who are, or have, struggled with ED's and want to be free, I think of that book "The Secret Life of Bees" and how that family had a statue of the black mother Mary with her fist held high, ready to conquer whatever challenge came her way. Raise your fist up Brie....even if it does have a diet coke in it....you can push through this and whatever else comes your way! I think we all need a statue of the black mother Mary......it's such an amazing symbol of truth.

Heather Lindquist said...

Sorry that was so long. I'm sick so I get a bit long-winded when I've been in bed all day with no one to talk to! : )

tawny said...

I'm sorry sis.

I know it's not easy.

Keep going, keep having faith.

Maeve's comment made so much sense...You may not feel better emotionally, BUT your body will be stronger. period. And that will help you through the "fight."

I also love being apart of the "Brown girl sister love." We will fight for each other through thick and thin...always. I am with you on D face. It's awful. It's been so awful for you too. Now I am facing new adventures in my life...so much change. But we will do this all together... and with God on our side, we will prevail. Love you sis.

Babetta said...

It's so amazing to me how many manifestations ED can manage to take on in our lives he/she really is a conniving, cunning shape shifter because I found myself nodding along with you but in reverse...I struggle with EDNOS (compulsive eating disorder) and while ED is busy playing gain weight you'll be happy tapes in your head...JOAN (my ED) is touting the joys of finally losing some weight.
I think recovery is more than a pants size...I've been working on that in my own recovery and it 'jumping' sucks (thanks LouLou) because the only way i've known how to 'measure' success for over 30 years (no I'm not old, I've just let JOAN live in me for a REALLY long time) is by the scale or by the smallest or biggest pair of jeans in my closet.

But recovery is good
I don't 'feel' it yet
I don't 'feel' the joys of my recovery I just have to intellectually espouse them until they finally manifest themselves in a heart flutter...when they finally kick JOAN to the curb ...i imagine when that happens I might need a park swing somewhere :)

Have a great day!
xo
Babs

Jennifer said...

I have never struggled with an eating disorder, but I have lost a baby. It is hard and it sucks the big one. I also know where you can find comfort and peace. Our Savior not only took upon Him our sins, He also took upon Him our sorrow. He knows the pain you feel and he can lift it if you go to Him in faith and ask for some relief. He has always been there for me and He will be there for you. The mourning after loosing a baby it something that I don't think we ever truly overcome, but it does get better. It gets easier to look at other babies. It gets easier each year when the due date approaches. It gets easier. I pray you can find the peace you desire.

t. said...

i'm sorry life is throwing all this crap at you, brie. :(

Laur said...

you are a very smart girl. Which is why I actually totally see your point. But like Tawny said, I guess you just have to have faith. You are doing the right thing but its just so hard for someone smart like you are to not question it and analyze it. I guess that is where faith comes in. You are certainly going thru a LOTTTT, frankly more than a lot of people and that's totally not fair. HOWEVER this too shall pass, and realistically these hard time will make you a better writer because I mean c'mon who wants to read a book from someone who hasn't been thru anything difficult? Not me. I prefer to read from people who have depth and compassion and know about the pains in life. I can't stand hanging out with people who have had it easy their whole life. I avoid those people like the plague. Keep writing. It's totally your outlet and therapy. You are great and I am on your side (and your sister's). Please call me so we can, we could go to Kneaders or somethin. I am still counting down the days for us to take the boys to the pool. love Laurie
maybe at least email me today kay?
xoxo

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

I'm sorry things are shizzy right now...means that when it gets better (which it will) it will seem all the more wonderful.
Yeah weight is a wack a doodle thing! And I had the same thing- when I regained weight, it literally all went RIGHT into my ass. Immediately. no joke.

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

I'm sorry things are shizzy right now...means that when it gets better (which it will) it will seem all the more wonderful.
Yeah weight is a wack a doodle thing! And I had the same thing- when I regained weight, it literally all went RIGHT into my ass. Immediately. no joke.