Friday, October 23, 2009

On Anger

I’m not really a very angry person. I’m pretty equable. If I’m feeling angry, 75% of the time it is directed toward yours truly. And, the remaining 25% of it is directed at Dear Husband because he’s married to me for all eternity and has to deal with my bitch fests. It’s part of the deal. Really it is. Also, ask my sisters. They get in cat fights, and I watch from the sidelines, amused. I just don’t get riled that easily.

But lately, I’ve been feeling so FREAKING PISSED. And by lately, I mean more in the past 24 hours or so. And do you want to know what is bringing on this anger? It’s helplessness. I’m feeling so damn helpless, it’s making me angry.

I remember that when I was pregnant with Cade, I couldn’t wait to just have him. To give birth and to love him and feed him and kiss him and get my body back so I didn’t waddle around, feeling like I was squeezing a cantaloupe between my legs. But now that he’s here, and he’s out of me; his own person, I can’t protect him like I could when he was inside me. I just wish I could shove him back up my vag and tell him that I’ll keep him safe from harm. But I can't. I'm just learning this.

Caden has a kidney disease. Hydronephrosis. And lately I’ve had to watch my baby boy be in pain. To be scared. To be traumatized. And the pain he I see in his eyes I sometimes am convinced is mirrored ten times that in my own.

I know what it’s like to be in the hospital; to be surrounded by doctors and not know what the hell is going on and why I am sick and scared and I just want my mom please I want to just go home. At five years old I was preparing to die. I didn’t really know what dying entailed, but I did know that it would mean I would miss my mom and my twin brother and my dog and I would go to Heaven to be with Jesus. I was very scared. At five I learned that the world wasn’t safe; it was volatile and mean as hell and this wasn’t just a boo-boo that my mom could kiss better and put a band-aid on.

And Cade is learning this, too. And I’m so ANGRY he has to learn this like I did; way too young. It makes me feel helpless. He had to get a test done yesterday afternoon at the hospital, a test we were told would be painful and scary but would most likely be the last test in a very long time. It was supposed to take ten minutes. After thirty minutes, they still couldn’t get what they needed. Know why? Because my baby was too scared. He was too tense. Brandon and I were up near his head, and Brandon was pinning down his arms because I couldn’t bear to pin them myself knowing how scary that feels. And I was stroking his hair and murmuring to him that I loved him and that he was being very brave. And he was bright red, and sweating, and screaming. And looking at his mother with his big blue eyes and asking me to help him, to make it stop hurting. I stayed strong, initially. I didn’t cry. I was being brave like him.

But then I had to leave the room for a moment because they were doing x-rays, and being pregnant, I could not be exposed to them. So I watched my baby boy from a little window. And as the x-ray machine hovered over him, he screamed and screamed and begged his daddy to move it because it was going to smash him. And that’s when I lost it. I completely lost it. I started to sob. And the doctor came to talk to me and told me that after all this; they didn’t get “what we need.” She gently suggested I reschedule this procedure, but to do so under sedation. I agreed. I just needed to get my baby off of that table and into my arms.

So Brandon rescheduled as I pretended to look at a bulletin board and get my sobs under control. We learned they didn’t have any openings for THREE WEEKS. That is three more weeks of dragging this out. Three more weeks of my baby being in pain. Three weeks where I will have to wait, and worry. And I started to cry harder. Because I was angry. And I was helpless.

As we were walking out of the hospital, Cade was in Brandon’s arms. I was still crying silently, because I couldn’t get myself under control. And Cade looked at me, and put his hand on my cheek. And he said, “Mama, its okay. I love you. You are so pretty.” And I smiled at him, and then cried harder. Because just then, for a fleeting moment, my son could give me what I can’t give him: hope. And reassurance.
But now, once again, I feel so futile, so helpless, and so angry.
And I can’t get those feelings to go away. I can’t get that hope, and that reassurance that everything will be okay. I can’t find it.


Michelle said...

I'm so sorry! I'm crying just reading this. I hope they find what they need!

Marissa said...

Brie, I am so so sorry to hear this. I love Cade so much and I just started crying when I read this. It would be so scary and horrible to have to go through this from any perspective. I'm sorry for you and Cade and Brandon. I think maybe it's okay to feel angry about that, and helpless because I know that I sure would and anyone who tried to tell me otherwise would get their head bitten off.

I love you, and know that I am thinking about you and your fam all the time. I believe in you and I believe that you'll get through this! I love you!

Shannon said...

oh goodness, how horrible! No words can express how sad reading that made me.

I contemplated even suggesting this, because I almost feel like its stating the obvious, but have you thought of receiving a blessing? One for you and for your little man. It doesnt always make it all better, but at least you can have some reassurance from the big man upstairs :)

eden said...

this must be an awful feeling. not having children i can't really related, but i can imagine (i sound a little too "anne of green gables," don't i?). i am so sorry!

Alexandra Rising said...

You know when you see a movie, and an emotional scene pops up out of nowhere, and for some reason you empathize with the character...and you experience that state of catharsis?
That's what reading this was like. My emotions took a ride with you. I am so, so sorry poor Cade has to go through this, and that you, as his mother have to watch him go through this.
I wish there was a magic wand to give you, truly I do.

heather said...

Hi Brie,
After reading this, I too, started to cry. I have no children so I cannot imagine what it is like to be in your position. I also have never had to face my own mortality at such a young age.
However, you said that you can't give Cade reassurance. I wonder why that is, because if you look at yourself, YOU are the reassurance that things will be OK. That, Cade WILL make it, just like you have. It might not be perfect, but Cade will make it. Perhaps, the reason you went through what you went through at 5 years, is so that you could give reassurance, hope, strength, to those who need it. And, when Cade is older, if he wonders what happened to him when he was younger, you will be able to tell him how strong he was, how brave he was, how he made it through, just like his momma.
I hope I'm not sounding too preach-y or contrived or...I dunno. I don't mean this in any offensive or bad way.
Take Care, Brie. Your family, and you, will be in my thoughts.

bananas said...

I'm REALLY mad that they didn't do this under sedation in the fucking first place. This sounds like torture.

Yes, an IV isn't FUN or anything but it's a needle, one prick (if they do it right) and it's done. And then off to happy-land the kid can go.

Goddamn. I'm really freaking mad.

Alexandra Rising said...

I have to agree with Bananas. Why DIDNT they do it with sedation in the first place? Poor little boy AND his mommy.

Jackie said...

Oh Brie, I am so sorry :( I can't imagine how you must feel. Cade will be okay honey, I know it. Try to hang in there. Please call if I can do anything to help out. Love you so much.

CG said...

uhg, I'm crying too. Children are so precious. Praying for sweet little Cade. xoxo

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I would be angry too. Poor boy. Hugs to you, Brie. Keep strong and pray. I'll pray for you and Cade.

Maeve said...

I am so so so sorry to hear that you and your family have been going through so much pain.

I hope that you realise just how much strength and determination you are showing. Cade is lucky to have a mum as strong as you. I bet that baby-to-be is doing somersaults in your belly to show how proud of you they are!!

Hang in there, I will keep you, Brandon, Cade and baby-to-be in my prayers!!

sona said...

Hi Brie, as Ive said before, you don't even know me, but as someone in recovery Ive stumbled upon your blog and check up on it every day. I feel that all that you write is so truthful and honest and human. And so much of it is relevant to all of life not only recovery.

Im so sorry to hear your little boy isn't well right now. I wish there was something I could to make things better, but all I can do is send you some of my hope that things will get better for you soon. Hang on to your hope, even when you can't feel it there, believe its there. Believe your hope is somewhere out there, and that it'll find you, and that everything will somehow be ok.

lots of luv


Lindsey said...

Dude. I read your blog but rarely comment... I felt like I'd be evil and cruel, reading this and not leaving a little, pathetic form of some kind of cyber-hug. I haven't a word I could say.


Brooke said...

I understand the feeling of helplesness and anger at the world. We've had to go through a lot with Josh and watch him go in for IV's and sedations, MRI's and
surgery. It is okay to be angry.

The feelings you are having are what any wonderful mother would feel and should feel. This is no fault of your own. I bet it is triggering for you because of your trauma when you were younger. I hope you can try to separate that from Cade's experience right now. He has his own way of thinking and processing just as everyone does. I think it is good that you have been through somthing like this because you will be so sensitive to his feelings now through this process. You can help him through this better than anyone can because you know what to watch for. The hard things you have been through in your life will only make you a better mother.

I will pray for Cade. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. The waiting game sucks. You can do it...if anyone's you :)

Alli said...

Oh, Brie...I cried through this whole post. I'm so sorry :( It's such a terrible feeling to have your baby in pain and not be able to fix it. Have you put his name in the temple yet? I can do that if you'd like. Also, I do live 2 miles from PCMC, so if you ever need anything...ANYTHING...I'm so close and would be there in a minute! Give that little boy tons of kisses and hugs...they truly do have a healing and comforting power. I love you!!!