Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Guts over Glory

Last night I logged onto Myspace for the first time in oh, about a year. I decided to peruse my old photo albums there, because they are a lot more organized and well-stocked than my Facebook pictures, which I’ve never bothered to categorize into albums, because Facebook can still stymie me. (But that’s another post. User friendly my arse!)

I was a little blown away. There were so many old modeling photos that I hadn’t seen in ages. My modeling portfolio is nestled away, somewhere dark and cavernous and hidden, so I don’t have easy access to it to look at it and ache to go back to those moments where I felt a high, where I felt beautiful and thin and powerful and unstoppable.

And then I looked down and saw this:

And then I went like this:
And realized that right now, at this moment, for better or worse, I chose motherhood over modeling. I chose to carry and make a little widget that will give me stretch marks and make me a little flabby and turn my belly-button into a snooze button. I went guts over glory, man.

And I sat for awhile, pondering (entire unhealthily, I realize) if I would still look that thin if I could erase the baby bump. Would my collar-bones jut out just so; would my bowed thighs and the hollows of my cheeks match up? Or would I need to lose a few pounds first?

...And why the hell does it matter? And why do I think that fat and pregnant are synonymous? I’ve got what you’d call a perception problem.

So I left my old modeling album, and clicked on an album that said “Cade and the Fam.” And in it I saw this

and this

and this.

And I decided, quite satisfied, that I’d choose this

Over this

Any day.

This isn’t fat. Right? Don’t you just wanna hug this big ‘ol barrel of love? ;)


Keirelle said...

Not only is it NOT fat, it's a baby, and you, my dear, are clearly all baby when you are pregnant! Besides, kids and babies are much more fun in the long run. Aren't you excited to hold that lovely smelling little bundle of baby? Ahh I would be. Unfortunately, I got a negative test this morning, but it will happen. :)

Sarah said...

I've always thought that pregnancy is a woman's MOST beautiful time (until, like, 2 weeks before she's due. Then she just looks tired.) Not to go all hippie on you, but I think there is nothing more beautiful than a woman allowing her body to be used to its fullest strength and potential. Whether it's a triathlete pushing herself to the limit, a ballet dancer fully extending her body, a yogini completely losing her sense of "control" over the body in a backbend, or a mommy letting her body be taken over for something bigger than herself--I think it's all beautiful, much more beautiful than a woman whose body is only a shell housing emptiness and despair. So, maybe that was kind of hippie-ish, but you are beautiful pregnant because it's hard for you. And b/c you're just beautiful.

Telstaar said...

Hell yes! Yes I do girl!!!

Love you and thinking of you hunni...
and to me, there really isn't much difference between the photo's, except that the ones where Miss B looks more content....they're the ones with Lil C :) - scary and vulnerable as that might sound and feel :)

Love you love you love you xo

Blazzer said...

You made the right choice.

Shannon said...

Although I cannot relate FULLY to what you are feeling, I can honestly say that the only time in my life that I didnt feel fat was when I was pregnant, even though I weighed more than any other time in my life. Its the best! haha!

I have a question though...I hope it is not too personal, but are you finding it easier to cope with pregnancy the second time around, since you know what to expect? Or is it harder...since you know what to expect?

McIntyre Family said...

You are beautiful and powerful and unstoppable Brie. :) Beautiful post and you ARE beautiful.

ghost girl said...

You made an incredibly selfless and courageous choice.

I am 31 and have no children, and sadly yes, it is partly bc of my E.D.

By creating and nurturing a new life, you are kicking E.D.'s arse.... and i'm glad to see you winning :)
i even feel a wave of triumph, though we are strangers.


Alexandra Rising said...

I like the choice you made and are striving for. I think it is a happier choice :) The models I know are externally happy, but internally very unhappy and unhealthy.


Baby in Red Sox clothing!!! That just won my heart. Seriously.


I'm pretty sure you are the hottest pregnant momma I have EVEA SEEN! Trust me. I've seen a lot of prego momma's... And you knock them all out with your beauty (beauty on the inside and out, for sure!)


Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Good choice, Brie. Don't forget it!

alriggells said...

I was told that pregnant woman aren't fat, they are babied. You are not fat in the slightest, you are beautiful inside and out. I hope you realize how much more powerful and unstoppable you are as you nurture yourself for the great adventures your life has in store for you. Keep on keepin on cause you are worth it. I love ya girl. Don't ever forget that you are special and loved. :)

sona said...

Go you Brie!!!

love your posts!!!

eden said...

this is a beautiful post. thank you for sharing!

Shannon said...

I loved this post. What could possibly be more POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL than creating life. What a contrast you presented. I often question if motherhood is "worth it." Of course I always decide it is, but why can't I just always know that? I guess it's just a human thing. Anyway, it's a good feeling to be happy with your choice, so GO YOU!