Pee Air

It’s no secret that I’ve got myself some phobias. ISSUES, if you will. I don’t keep it a secret from you, my dear readers, and I’m completely beyond the point of being humiliated by the fact I’m mentally ill with family and close friends, and I CERTAINLY can no longer hide it from strangers due to Tube Face and Not Fanny Pack. Like, when people look at me funny, and they do a double and sometimes even triple take, and, it, like, stings for a minute, but then I forget about it (or perhaps repress it?) and go on with my day.

My phobia(s): gaining weight, eating too much, feeling too full, lalala, are familiar. Comfortable. As recognizable as the fact that the sky is blue and that Danny DeVito is an alien. And, well, yeah, I’ve got some other weird things I freak out about, I mean, everyone does. It’s entirely normal for people to have their special little OCD’s. Like, Racher can’t put her face in public pool water. My sister has “movie jeans” that she wears to movies and ONLY to movies to avoid getting the seat germs on her other pants. Never mind her other jeans are just as germy as the movie ones. But in her mind, it makes sense. My brother doesn’t like crumbs. Especially when you’re eating chips on his bed and you get crumbs on the blanket and he almost breaks your arm he’s so pissed. But now I'm regressing into past childhood pain so I MUST move on. See, so. I’m just saying, we’ve all got our kinks.

But, well, a couple of mine are getting worse. Exponentially worse, I’d say. I’ve always had a thing with bathrooms, which is really common, only what I freak out about while in the bathroom is probably different from the greater public’s bathroom phobias. I have issues with Pee Air. I Always have, probably always will. Like, if I’m showering, Big B has learned that he’s certainly got another thing coming if he thinks he can saunter in and pee while I’m showering. If he does this, then his Pee Air will waft into the shower and stick to my skin. Bran has also learned that if he has to go to the bathroom, to be polite and for the sake of our marriage, he’ll ask me if I need to go first, because he’s learned the hard way that if he goes when I need to go and he doesn’t let me go first, bad things happen. Unmentionable things. Pee Airish things.

Well, the Pee Air thing is getting worse. Way worse. It’s getting to a point where I don’t want to go into my bathroom AT ALL because of the Pee Air everywhere. And it’s not like this is random, strange Pee Air. This is FAMILY Pee Air. But for some reason, I swear it makes it worse. I just don’t know what to do. Even my OWN Pee Air freaks me out. Like, how is Bran okay with going to the bathroom right after me? Isn’t he worried about my Pee Air attacking him, all my little urine-y toxins seeping into his pores? He swears I’m insane, but I maintain HE is for not taking precautions against the ghastly Pee Air. I swear it’s going to take over the world. Death by Pee Air. How undignified is that??

Pee Air. It’s a real thing.
It’s a real problem.

But another new phobia I seem to be experiencing is for realsies more scary, so be tender with me. I’m starting to think that people are going to shoot me. I can think afterward when I (thankfully) DIDN’T get shot that I was being ridiculous and insane, but while I’m sure someone is about to shoot me, I fill with adrenaline and start shaking and will even run or walk faster to get away from the “shooter.” The last time this occurred I was walking out of a restaurant with my mom. It was dark, and some hoodlum was unlocking his bike. And that was it. I KNEW he was going to shoot me. I was carrying Cade, and I didn’t want him to get shot too, so I put him between myself and the hoodlum bike-riding shooter and booked it to the car. After we started driving, I asked my mom if she thought that guy seemed suspicious, and I told her we had almost DIED. DEATH BY SHOTGUN. And she just looked at me bewildered and like she almost just hadn’t LOST HER DAUGHTER.

But really. Do I seriously have to add paranoia to the long list of neuroses? Why is this happening? Do I need medication or should I just get shot and then tell everyone I TOLD YOU SO?

Also, Pee Air might be deadly. At this point, I'm entirely convinced. Just throwing out a friendly warning because I care about you. That's the kind of person I am. A non-shooting, non-wanting-to-pass-on-the-pee-air-epidemic type person. I'm one in a million!