Monday, December 8, 2008

Pee Air

It’s no secret that I’ve got myself some phobias. ISSUES, if you will. I don’t keep it a secret from you, my dear readers, and I’m completely beyond the point of being humiliated by the fact I’m mentally ill with family and close friends, and I CERTAINLY can no longer hide it from strangers due to Tube Face and Not Fanny Pack. Like, when people look at me funny, and they do a double and sometimes even triple take, and, it, like, stings for a minute, but then I forget about it (or perhaps repress it?) and go on with my day.

My phobia(s): gaining weight, eating too much, feeling too full, lalala, are familiar. Comfortable. As recognizable as the fact that the sky is blue and that Danny DeVito is an alien. And, well, yeah, I’ve got some other weird things I freak out about, I mean, everyone does. It’s entirely normal for people to have their special little OCD’s. Like, Racher can’t put her face in public pool water. My sister has “movie jeans” that she wears to movies and ONLY to movies to avoid getting the seat germs on her other pants. Never mind her other jeans are just as germy as the movie ones. But in her mind, it makes sense. My brother doesn’t like crumbs. Especially when you’re eating chips on his bed and you get crumbs on the blanket and he almost breaks your arm he’s so pissed. But now I'm regressing into past childhood pain so I MUST move on. See, so. I’m just saying, we’ve all got our kinks.

But, well, a couple of mine are getting worse. Exponentially worse, I’d say. I’ve always had a thing with bathrooms, which is really common, only what I freak out about while in the bathroom is probably different from the greater public’s bathroom phobias. I have issues with Pee Air. I Always have, probably always will. Like, if I’m showering, Big B has learned that he’s certainly got another thing coming if he thinks he can saunter in and pee while I’m showering. If he does this, then his Pee Air will waft into the shower and stick to my skin. Bran has also learned that if he has to go to the bathroom, to be polite and for the sake of our marriage, he’ll ask me if I need to go first, because he’s learned the hard way that if he goes when I need to go and he doesn’t let me go first, bad things happen. Unmentionable things. Pee Airish things.

Well, the Pee Air thing is getting worse. Way worse. It’s getting to a point where I don’t want to go into my bathroom AT ALL because of the Pee Air everywhere. And it’s not like this is random, strange Pee Air. This is FAMILY Pee Air. But for some reason, I swear it makes it worse. I just don’t know what to do. Even my OWN Pee Air freaks me out. Like, how is Bran okay with going to the bathroom right after me? Isn’t he worried about my Pee Air attacking him, all my little urine-y toxins seeping into his pores? He swears I’m insane, but I maintain HE is for not taking precautions against the ghastly Pee Air. I swear it’s going to take over the world. Death by Pee Air. How undignified is that??

Pee Air. It’s a real thing.
It’s a real problem.

But another new phobia I seem to be experiencing is for realsies more scary, so be tender with me. I’m starting to think that people are going to shoot me. I can think afterward when I (thankfully) DIDN’T get shot that I was being ridiculous and insane, but while I’m sure someone is about to shoot me, I fill with adrenaline and start shaking and will even run or walk faster to get away from the “shooter.” The last time this occurred I was walking out of a restaurant with my mom. It was dark, and some hoodlum was unlocking his bike. And that was it. I KNEW he was going to shoot me. I was carrying Cade, and I didn’t want him to get shot too, so I put him between myself and the hoodlum bike-riding shooter and booked it to the car. After we started driving, I asked my mom if she thought that guy seemed suspicious, and I told her we had almost DIED. DEATH BY SHOTGUN. And she just looked at me bewildered and like she almost just hadn’t LOST HER DAUGHTER.

But really. Do I seriously have to add paranoia to the long list of neuroses? Why is this happening? Do I need medication or should I just get shot and then tell everyone I TOLD YOU SO?

Also, Pee Air might be deadly. At this point, I'm entirely convinced. Just throwing out a friendly warning because I care about you. That's the kind of person I am. A non-shooting, non-wanting-to-pass-on-the-pee-air-epidemic type person. I'm one in a million!

21 comments:

Shannon said...

I acknowledge that pee air is definitely a real thing. I'm not a fan. It doesn't cripple my bathroom habits though (usually). :)

Don't stress too much. If you start hearing voices that people are going to kill you then I'd for sure go with the meds.

BTW love your someecard image. Perfecto.

jana bananas said...

Haha, Brie. I don't really even know what to say to this. Regarding Pee Air: do I need to come back to have an intervention? Pee pee is your friend. It is sterile.

The anxiety about being shot...that sounds seriously scary. Are you in real danger? No, I don't think so, although it feels very real.

I have a few words:
psychiatrist
meds

and LOVE. :)

Jackie said...

Pee smells gross! As for the shooting...that is scary...and well...um...I don't know. But I love you and all your neuroses!!!

satisfiction said...

I have a weird phobia kinda thing. After it gets dark, I have to lock all the doors and windows and close all the blinds. If not, I have to cover my eyes when I'm walking past a window or I'm convinced I'll see someone looking back at me.

Starr said...

Imagine if you were trapped somewhere and you had to drink your own pee to survive! (sorry, I just had to say that)

H said...

Okay, to be completely and utterly honest with you, I too had serious OCD-ish parnoia-ish, phobias when I was undernourished. I think, my dear, it comes with the territory. I don't think you have MORE or DIFFERENT issues....I just think they're related to your current "issue" of being underweight. Don't you remember my weird quirks when I was deep down under? We all have them, but they steadily go away (I think for most people, but I could be wrong) as we get our minds and bodies healthier.

Oh, and I hate pee air too. I'm totally okay with my own, but I hate other people's pee air. ooooooooo-wwweeeee! It's nasty. But worse than that is poop air left behind. Now that is just WRONG.

Reagan said...

New to your blog and already love it!

I really think that boys produce the worst pee air because they pee from up high and it is exposed to the air longer! Ewww!

Kyla said...

maybe you're experiencing extra anxiety because of the tube and weight gain? Also, I've always been afraid of pee air, so I will NOT bring a drink into the bathroom and I will certainly not use those air dryer things for your hands, because they are filthily full of pee air. I didn't know that pee air worried anyone else.

Penny said...

This is the first time I think that I have nothing to say!! Your quirks are sooooo honest and you keep me grounded to quirky reality.

racher said...

okay, okay.. pool water, public pools, hot tubs they are all giant cesspools of other people's chunks... it's true and i...will...not...put my face in...it.

pee air on the other hand, i have a hard time with toilets that don't have a lid to shut before flushing. if there isn't a lid, i have to do the flush with my foot and run... (which is hard in public bathroom stalls) the spray might get me...

i also have an overwhelming fear i'll get pregnant from sitting on the seat of a public toilet, paper covers or not...so i will almost pee my pants before using one. i know, i know... the chances of me getting pregnant that way are extremely slim to none, but how would i explain it to my friends and family? no one would believe me... "i swear! it was because i peed in that public bathroom...."


and...
i agree with H because it was much worse when i was undernourished or whatever. come to st. george and visit and we can eat some red robin and get nourished.... it opens wednesday......

Krista said...

Racher,
According to Michael Scott the toilet seat thing is myth!

I've never really thought of pee air, but I certainly don't like stinking crotch air in public restrooms.

Laura said...

This probably means you will get shot while peeing, in someones pee air.

I get the pee air thing. Living with guys/boys doesnt help that one bit.

Sarah said...

Definitely seems to be ocd related, I also have issues with the bathroom. I always have to wipe the toilet seat down before I squat before it. I think all these germs will get on me. Oh and washing my hands before and after going-even at home.

Since being on my meds its gotten a lot better, though. But those fears are real, as crazy as they might be.

brie said...

you GUYS. I'm so happy I wrote this, because I'm realizing that I'm not the only one who suffers with the Pee Air phenomenon!

--And Reagan, TOTALLY agree that Pee Air of the male variety is waaaay more toxic due to it being in the air longer before it hits the water. Or floor or toilet seat, depending on his aim at the time. :)

tawny said...

Oh my!! a new trigger for me! Thanks a lot sista! :)

Seriously sooo true though. I have 4 boys that do that, lucky me! Your post had me cracking up as usual- love it!

BTW, I think the movie pants are still a fab idea...seriously think of all those butt germs..ewww!

Kara said...

To some extent, I think it's normal to have some irrational fears. I'm always afraid that someone is going to push me down the escalator. But when the irrational fears are ruling your life, I think that's when it's time to talk to a professional about them. I definitely agree about pee air though!

Charlynn said...

I understand the pee air thing. The bathroom at my workplace constantly smells of it. No matter how clean it is, it doesn't *smell* clean, and that bothers me. I try my darndest not to pee there because the bathroom grosses me out so much.

satisfiction said...

You guys, now I'm totally freaked out about pee air. :( Hah.

...evolve... said...

The pee air thing i can not relate to..at all, to be honest. People have been peeing within feet of eachother for millions of years and ive never heard of pee air hurting anyone. so you being scared of being shot I CAN...i am really REALLY scared of getting in a car accident. Especialling when i go out of town without my son. it takes me like 2 hours to say bye to him cause im almost positive it is the last time i will see him. we went to a packer game this weekend and on the way home i had convinced myself we would not make it home and almost pushed myself into a fullblown anxiety attack! oh lordy..so yeah and i actually had that SAME phobia (getting shot) when i worked at the very front desk of our very big and well known clinic. cause if someone were to get shot or attacked it would be the girl you first see when you walk into the building..ME!!! i kept my eye on every weirdo that walked in! take a deapth breath and talk yourself out of all thoes things, if you let yourself get carried away, you will (get carried away, not shot) its all about being conscious of reality and your obsessive thought, and the difference between the 2. GOOD LUCK :)

alison said...

Though I've never thought of it specifically as "pee air", this is something that grosses me out, too. I make my husband sit down to pee if I'm in the bathroom at the time because that definitely minimizes the smell! When he's standing, the smell just fills the room! I never even noticed it before until I started living with a guy!

Vintage Mafia said...

Um... I always feel like i'm going to get attacked. Maybe it's like - if it happened once - it'll happen again?