Thursday, December 4, 2008


I’m sorry my blog sucks lately guys. But seeing as I don’t have a house and am not regularly on a computer, it makes posting, but especially posting really cool things superduper hard. I’m so lame.

Well, my life is kind of like a major suckfest right now. I’m a tubalicious pumping babe for 16 hours a day, and my stupid pump thingy is in Not Fanny Pack, and like every 10 minutes the pump starts beeping at me and practically yelling and across its screen it says NO FOOD because the tube gets kinked (I like that word!) and I find it hilariously ironic and I frantically try to get it to shut up and get it fixed and my heart starts racing and I start sweating and I hate everybody and it alerts The Entire World that I am indeed one of those weird people that have to cart medical equipment around. It’s awesome. It’s like I carry around my own personal hater. It hates me.

I gained weight on Monday when I saw the D though, which is excellent. (At least, I think.) (Er, I’m trying to think.) (thinkthinkthinkiloveitiloveitiloveit) It’s good though because I am now under a CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT. I really like to say CONTRACTUAL, it makes me feel important. Except actually it just makes me MAD, since if I do anything wrong then I’m FIRED. But I’m tubing and eating tons so yay for life! (UM. WHO JUST HAD A FREAKING MAPLE BAR FOR BREAKFAST? ME!!) (WHY DO I LIKE CAPS SO MUCH IN THIS POST? I DON’T KNOW.)

I’m thinking about living with the madre for awhile. All I do is like cry and moan and lie around on the floor and stuff. Why not do it at my mom’s, I say? Things are just so hard right now, guys. I’m so lamely pathetic. All I do is lament and wail and moan. I do these things even though I am not living in biblical times.

Also, I’m thinking about doing brain wave thingies. Does anyone have experience with this? Brain mapping/imaging/harmonizing or whateva? My T is recommending it HIGHLY. And I’m thinking, why not? Nothing else works; I don’t have much to lose. And, don’t worry. Nobody’s going to be like cutting anything out of there or anything. Just looking at the brain wavage and making it better. Or something.

OMG YOU GUYS. I am so EMBARRASSED. Seriously, my cheeks are a flamin’ right now. People SUCK. I just got one of the most outright and blunt queries about my tube I’ve EVER gotten. Seriously, it happened, like, only minutes ago. Some guy came into my work, doesn’t know me, I’ve never seen him, he’s never seen me, lalala, and without even saying hi or telling me why he’s even here, he looks right at me and asks
And I said, What’s what for?
(I hate you and hope you die.) Oh…I just have….a…problem with keeping weight on…
(are you kidding me you a-hole?) Yeah, I just have a hard time......... this helps supplement me for nutrients and helps me gain weight......
(Balls.) No, not really.
(I hate you and you are a very hairy man.) Uh huh. Yeah, I guess…
Awkward pause full of seething hatred on my part—
(I didn’t even meet you. I don’t like you. You’re gross. Go away.) Yeah, you too…

SERIOUSLY. Who has that freaking kind of audacity? I’m not a big blusher, but seriously guys, I could feel the heat creeping up my neck and into my cheeks. I feel so sorry for myself. I should ease the pain and humiliation by maybe like buying myself something today. Maybe a Phantom of the Opera mask that will hide the tube side? I don’t know. I may need to start getting creative when there’s GIANT JERKS who ask stupid and inappropriate questions. Me no likey. I want to whimper.

Oh, and go to my lovely sister T’s blog for this amazing post. She said a lot about my mom and sisters that I’m usually too sarcastic to take the time to write. She’s such a sweetheart, though the pic she posted of me is HORRIBLE and my bangs look DISGUSTING. Definitely not my finest moment. But love ya sis and thanks for what you wrote.

I'm going to go wail and moan and lament and whimper in the bathroom now.
And then my tube is going to yell at me.
And I will hang my head in shame.


satisfiction said...

Ah, that guy, what a friggin' asshole. I probably would have told him either that there was no tube or that it's how I like to ingest my cocaine.

Rachel said...

There are two ways to respond to rude and invasive questions. You can be equally rude and tell him it's none of his business, or you can have fun with it.

"What's that thing up your nose?"

"Oh, this? I don't know. I saw a bright light in the sky and when I woke up, I had this and a giant probe sticking out of my ass. I managed to pull out the probe, but this thing just won't budge."

Most people then get the picture.

jana bananas said...

I love you, lovely lover face.

Funny story about the word "kink." I have a German co-worker and one day I had to explain to him that he could say "kink" but not "kinky" and why. Like, "You can say there's a kink in the project, but you can't say the project is kinky." And this discussion seriously went on for 20 minutes. I love having to explain what "kinky" means to co-workers!

Kara said...

I can't believe how R-U-D-E that guy was! Jerk. JERK. I'm sorry that you have to put up with ignorant tards.

I checked out your picture on your sissy's blog and you look HOT as usual.

Keep your chin up!

Standing in the Rain said...

Ugghh. Sounds like everything is pretty darn shitty right now Brie. I wish it could be easier. Like I could snap my fingers and you'd have a house, no depression, and a tube that shot mace at people who asked about it.

Anyhow, about the brain stuff...I haven't had any of that, but I did have ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), basically shock therapy which seems like a much more invasive and old-time version of the stuff you are looking at. I'd say give it shot, what do you have to lose? I did ECT when NOTHING, (and I mean nothing) else would help, and it actually lessened my desire to die. Always a good thing, right?

Hang in there sweet Brie. It has to get better.

Savannah said...

Hey Brie :) When that guy was being a jackass, I would have lodged my old pen(since you now have a new pretty fedex one) right into his mansac. I may be a little rude I take it back..don't use my method.

On a different note. I unfortunately have not used the Brain Conditioning, but if you read further in that page it mentions Biofeedback and Neurofeedback and I have done both of those. They were helpful, but in the end did not work with my schedule and I had to quit, but for the 5 months it was refreshing to not be as suicidal as I had been :)

Any questions just write me. Thank you for your kind words on my last post :) Good luck and remember we are all right behind you. Creepy right? Tee hee.

Laura said...

I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOTHER! Not an option. Here ya's tough love time...YOU are a mother...YOU are a WIFE...and YOU have a child that needs you. STOP waling and moaning, and get up off of the floor. Yes, this all REALLY sucks...and it is HARD...and shit has happened and you feel like you are totally fucked...and maybe, you are. CAN change it, Brie. You honestly can. And even if you have to fake it, fake it for your baby boy. It's time to move forward, and moving back in with your mother just doesn't sound healthy to me...AT ALL.

Pick that head and all...and start living for you, and your child, and your husband. I only say this because I have grown to care about you, and no one else seems to be saying it. So there ya have it.

it all comes from love... I hope you know that.

H said...

Woah, I have to agree with wise Laura. DO have control. You've always had it. Ed does not control you. Yes, it's a disease, but you can overcome it completely. You've tried, and at times succeeded, but you MUST continue for not just our husband and child, but for YOU and YOUR LIFE. It matters. Your life. It matters to me, to your family, and to all your other friends. I too say this out of love. Get up and walk through the hell you're in and at the other end you'll see a bright light (hee, hee)....but don't walk into it yet....take the detour route towards life (I think that color is blue....just a guess). Anyway, I care about you as a friend whose known you for quite some time and who KNOWS without a doubt you can DO whatever you're determined to do. So go get'em girl!

Jenn said...

Hey Brie! I'm sorry you had a fotard to deal with...LAME! He's got nothing on your sexy tube face. :) Smile girl!

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

So . . . I have to admit that when people are that rude, I find it INCREDIBLY therapeutic to unleash all my pent up rage on them.

Not by screaming or yelling. Oh, no. I like to give them a look to freeze their balls off, and about the time they get fidgety, I ask, "Do I KNOW you?" When they say no (and some will add their rude question AGAIN), I like to respond, "Oh. I thought you MUST know me, since I can't IMAGINE anyone being rude enough to ask that question of a COMPLETE STRANGER. Are you SURE we haven't met? NO? How INTERESTING." And then I go back to doing whatever I was doing before.

Seriously. It's FANTASTIC, lol.

As for the moving in with your mom? Well, I think Laura's ass-kicking was a good one. I will say though, that if you are so bad off as to be a danger to yourself or others - if you're afraid you would neglect Cade or something like that, get to your mom's house stat. Otherwise . . . well, sometimes the cliche is true: the only way out is through.


Jackie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brie said...


if i move in with my mom for a week or two, i'd BRING CADE WITH ME. we are currently not living in our house right now because it's gutted for the renovation...we're living with our in-laws. so why not switch from one mother to another? that's all i was saying.

Standing in the Rain said...

i'm with you. i'd rather be with my own mom who knows all my shit than with my in-laws, however nice and well-meaning they may be. everyone needs a momma.

H said...

I guess you're right. One mother vs another really doesn't matter in the long run. Thanks for the clarification, didn't mean to offend. But is it really that bad living with Brandon's family? How would he feel, honestly, living with yours? At the moment, I don't have an opinion, I just want you to be ED free, be able to relax and enjoy your hubby and child, and have some semblence of life, wether it be at his parent's house or yours. Take care hun. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

tawny said...

Brie, seriously you have me laughing ALL OF THE TIME! Your posts make me happy everyday! You make us actually "feel" your words!
Yes, people have nerves,(tube-man) but who cares, what-eva, you are taking care of yourself and that is what is important! YOu have the support of your fam and friends no matter what!
Oh and BTW, i LOVE your hair in our have hotness! I esp. loved it at the Festival of Trees this week...wish i could do that with my lioness hair~! LUVS

Brooke said...

Kick the guy in the balls next time.

ania said...

Oh, dear Brie.

If it'll be helpful for you to spend time with your mom I think your family should talk about it and see what you'd need to do to make that happen.

I hope that you and your husband and kiddo all hang in there.

With super-support vibes....

brie said...

h, bran actually really really wants me to go stay with my mom for awhile. and we've lived with my parents before and he had no problem with it. wanting to stay with my mom won't make bran think i don't like his family or whatever. its just really cramped and stressful here. i have no idea how my post even came to this. really, discussing the details of my living situation wasn't what i was going for. who cares?

Jackie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brie said...

okay, i'm sorry i got defensive. i just feel a little mizundastood. but i love you and stuff so it's all good. :)

H said...

B....that's my worst fear...being misunderstood. So, sorry dear.

And yes, I would've done something impulsively embarrassing to that point and scream that he had a spider on him or something equally disturbing.
Do you have a prepared response for people like that guy that you could always hang to, pull it out of your not-fanny-pack, and say it to them? Maybe you could take out a cup from not fanny pack and invite him to sit and share some lovely wine from your nose. : )

brie said...

h, i used to have a prepared response for when people asked me what my tube was for, but it ended up being that nasty disease that makes you carry a poop bag around cuz they take your colon out! aaaah it was so embarrassing...what was it? oh yeah crohn's disease! i ACTUALLY went around essentially telling people i carried my poop in a bag. sad!!

H said...

Yes, sad, but so utterly funny. There must be another hysterical comment you can use. I'll rack my brain for one. I used to always have to think of these things when people would ask me why I had cuts all over my I get the same questions, but they're just old scars now and I say I was in a terrible car accident years ago. Who knows if they beleive me, but I don't care. : )

So, I just wrote a new's been like, forever. More than a month I think. My world has been utterly consumed with this child and cps, etc. There are also pics of T-giving break and Kyndra's little Zoe, Asher and Ruth.

I luv ya girl,

H said...

Sorry for commenting yet AGAIN....but I just read your sister's post and it was so nice!

Laura said...

I’m thinking about living with the madre for awhile. All I do is like cry and moan and lie around on the floor and stuff. Why not do it at my mom’s, I say?

No mention of living conditions in this post what so ever. Just general sadness . So this is what I had to respond to. An innocent misunderstanding, don't ya think? Not to mention, one based on concern and caring.

I have no problem. I am "chillax".

ania said...

Wowza - i just came back and actually read (parts) of a few of the comments before mine. I still didn't make it all the way through but I didn't even realize there was a conversation going on that way.

Anyway - I came back because I realized that I didn't say anything about Audacious Auto-mouth.

It depends on the person, and their approach, but sometimes when people make comments or ask me things that I find intrusive, one of my tactics is to make eye contact and create a pause (very important) and to then respond with a Totally Unrelated Question or Comment (TUQoC).

Please find below the most recent example from a person who periodically stops in my office to say, "You've been here almost three years and I still don't know anything about your love life."

Q - (Apropos of nothing) "Sooo, I still think it's strange that you're not dating. What's up with you, ania?"

A/TUQoC - (Eye contact. Quiet.)"If it rains this weekend, I don't think I'll get to work in the yard. Do you know if it's supposed to rain?"

With warmth....

brie said...

L, I know. I was really unclear. Woops. :(

Thanks all for your suggestions about what I can do when I get confronted with stupid invasive people. You are all seriously so brave. I need to work on my confrontational skills. This gives me an excellent opportunity!

jana bananas said...

I like to be immature and what I would say is, "What's that in your nose?" and just completely throw them off guard. You might get a "huh?" But say it in a bit of a sassy way and they should shut up. :)

And the fact that it just makes no sense...I love that.

zubeldia said...

oh, sweet Brie, what a lot you're going through. I know that none of this is easy, I know that even as you write it all down here you're experiencing all of this in ways which leave you feeling pretty despairing. You're doing what you have to do, and spending time with your mum sounds like a fine idea, girl. It really does.

I wish you lived closer, brie, because I could be your body-guard, protecting you from idiots. I just loved, loved ania's idea :)

love you, poppet.

lucky said...

Uuuugggh.People are so rude. I hate stupid questions. I think when people ask me why I'm so thin I'm going to make up horrible stories about alien abductions