No More ED Talk

I hate to write this post, because I’m fully aware it makes me seem like a whiny over-sensitive brat. But I’m going to anyway.

This is my blog. Those of you who consistently read it know that I get through life with humor. I make fun of myself. I poke fun at my eating disorder. This doesn’t make me “sicker” than the next anorexic, or less in recovery. It’s just how I deal. I’ve done the whole “serious” side of recovery, and while I don’t doubt that it works for 95% of the people out there, for me, I was actually much, much sicker than I am now because I was taking myself and the disorder waaaaaay too seriously. I took myself and what I was going through too far – I dwelled far too much on it. There’s a difference between working through stuff and just plain old getting stuck – and I was doing the latter.

I post pretty much whatever strikes my fancy in a day, which can vacillate between ED stuff, sista love, silly experiences, and even serious posts. Because I have a feeding tube right now, naturally that’s taking up a huge part of my brain and mental and emotional energy, so of course it’s going to come up on my blog a lot because it’s on my brain quite a bit. Naturally.

But lately I’m feeling almost…attacked with the comments. And that’s me being too sensitive, I’m sure. I don’t want people to tell me that my life could just be so amazing if I recover. I don’t need a stern talking to, or your pity or sadness on my behalf. And to be honest some of it feels hypocritical.

It’s definitely not everybody, and even if you are one of the “culprits,” I know you mean no harm – in fact, I’m sure the exact opposite. But if you truly do have my best interest at heart, I believe you could more kindly phrase your good intentions, say, like Z does. Please, either that, or know that not commenting on my blog would be more beneficial to me than yet another sermon about recovery. I WANT to recover. But my blog is about joking and getting away from the serious stuff, not dwelling on it and certainly not feeling like an ass on my own blog.

I have a feeding tube, yes, but I EAT. I know I made an affirmation about pumpkin bread or banana bread or whatever the hell it was but that’s what it was – A JOKE. Yesterday I had two pieces at my sister’s house.

I’m using the tube everyday. I’m following my meal plan. I’m gaining weight weekly. And I’ve hired a treatment team to talk to me and help me with my recovery.

I’ve never considered this a strictly ED blog or anything, but it’s certainly mentioned. But not anymore. No more mentions of it. That way I won’t unintentionally summon unhelpful comments, and in turn I won’t have to be hurt and ticked by some of your comments. (That I honestly know were meant with good intentions. I'm so lame. I'm sorry I suck.)

Again, it’s not even close to being the majority of you. And I’m sure it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just trying to be honest, here. And I’ll probably regret this post then set my blog to private or something but whatever. I’m just going to publish it anyway.