Tuesday, December 9, 2008

No More ED Talk

I hate to write this post, because I’m fully aware it makes me seem like a whiny over-sensitive brat. But I’m going to anyway.

This is my blog. Those of you who consistently read it know that I get through life with humor. I make fun of myself. I poke fun at my eating disorder. This doesn’t make me “sicker” than the next anorexic, or less in recovery. It’s just how I deal. I’ve done the whole “serious” side of recovery, and while I don’t doubt that it works for 95% of the people out there, for me, I was actually much, much sicker than I am now because I was taking myself and the disorder waaaaaay too seriously. I took myself and what I was going through too far – I dwelled far too much on it. There’s a difference between working through stuff and just plain old getting stuck – and I was doing the latter.

I post pretty much whatever strikes my fancy in a day, which can vacillate between ED stuff, sista love, silly experiences, and even serious posts. Because I have a feeding tube right now, naturally that’s taking up a huge part of my brain and mental and emotional energy, so of course it’s going to come up on my blog a lot because it’s on my brain quite a bit. Naturally.

But lately I’m feeling almost…attacked with the comments. And that’s me being too sensitive, I’m sure. I don’t want people to tell me that my life could just be so amazing if I recover. I don’t need a stern talking to, or your pity or sadness on my behalf. And to be honest some of it feels hypocritical.

It’s definitely not everybody, and even if you are one of the “culprits,” I know you mean no harm – in fact, I’m sure the exact opposite. But if you truly do have my best interest at heart, I believe you could more kindly phrase your good intentions, say, like Z does. Please, either that, or know that not commenting on my blog would be more beneficial to me than yet another sermon about recovery. I WANT to recover. But my blog is about joking and getting away from the serious stuff, not dwelling on it and certainly not feeling like an ass on my own blog.

I have a feeding tube, yes, but I EAT. I know I made an affirmation about pumpkin bread or banana bread or whatever the hell it was but that’s what it was – A JOKE. Yesterday I had two pieces at my sister’s house.

I’m using the tube everyday. I’m following my meal plan. I’m gaining weight weekly. And I’ve hired a treatment team to talk to me and help me with my recovery.

I’ve never considered this a strictly ED blog or anything, but it’s certainly mentioned. But not anymore. No more mentions of it. That way I won’t unintentionally summon unhelpful comments, and in turn I won’t have to be hurt and ticked by some of your comments. (That I honestly know were meant with good intentions. I'm so lame. I'm sorry I suck.)

Again, it’s not even close to being the majority of you. And I’m sure it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just trying to be honest, here. And I’ll probably regret this post then set my blog to private or something but whatever. I’m just going to publish it anyway.


Jackie said...

I am glad you were able to be honest about how you feel sugar tits! You are not lame, you don't suck - anyone who truly knows you, knows that you are doing everything in your power to recover. So to gently remind everyone that you have a treatment team to aid in your recovery is a good thing. We are here to support, not lecture you. I think what you said is important for everyone to read and apply to everyone's blogs/comments!

You rock! I got your e-mail - let's definitely do dinner before I leave!!! Call me biotch. xoxo

Tanya said...

Oh B...I am so sorry. I hope I didn't say anything preachy. I know you try hard. I know its a struggle and I am there with you. Your right seriousness with this is just too hard. I agree with you wholeheartedly there. I just wish there was some way to take away some of the pain for you. I don't think you should let anything censor what you say on your blog. But you need to do what you need to do and I understand that. If there is anything I can do please tell me. You are an amazing person and your blog is used to help lighten the load for many people...but especially for you and it needs to remain that way. Is there any way to just ask the commenters that said something hurtful to rephrase so they know if they were one of the ones that said something?

Hugs...I really hope I wasn't one of them, but if I was I am truly sorry. You know I love you..at least I hope you do and if there is anything I could do to help I will do it. Take care.

jana bananas said...

OK, I feel bad because I was the one that make that bread comment! It just made me sad. I didn't know if you were kidding or serious. I know you're eating. I've spent time with you. I know you're doing your best to take care of yourself.

I think that you should continue to discuss your ED when you want to & now that you've made a disclaimer and are moderating comments, fuck it, right? It's a big part of your life right now, so why censor yourself or any part of it?

Again, I'm sorry about the bread thing. And damn you -- now I want a piece of pumpkin AND banana bread!!

H said...

yeah for being honest! you are NOT a doormat. You are a funky, spunky funny gal with a striking sense of humor that makes my ribs hurt when I read your blogs. I never thought of this as an ED blog.....just as "you." Write what you want, Ed's a part of a lot of our lives, so if you feel like writing about, than do it! Love ya, H

ania said...

Dear Brie,

If these posts help you to get 'out of your head' a little, I think it'd be a shame to cut yourself off from creating them.

I have many thoughts on this, but I don't want to go on about it.

Well, I'm reading on up.

With encouragement....