On the Benefits of Being a Tube Face

I get free things. Usually they’re not like materialistic things, which is a total bummer, but like really sympathetic and pitying and jaw-dropping looks. The jaw-droppers are usually children who I want to call LITTLE JERKS, but refrain. But today. Not today. Today I received something else:

The FedEx Guy where I work just gave me a, and I quote, “really nice and expensive and cool” FedEx pen. He says he never gives them away, and that I should hide it so nobody sees it because they’ll “certainly want to steal it.” I think he felt bad for me when he saw my tube. Pretty sure he thinks I have cancer.

So, con of the day: I’m strapped to a tube and pump.

But a pro? I freaking got a pen. A really nice and expensive and cool pen.

But I swear, if I even one more little kid stares at me and asks his mom loudly Mommy what’s in that lady’s nose??? I’ll draw a mustache and pirate eye patch on them and then write SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER on their forehead with my really nice and expensive and cool pen. And then I will call them a LITTLE JERK. And I will not feel sorry. Not one bit.