Tuesday, December 2, 2008

On the Benefits of Being a Tube Face

I get free things. Usually they’re not like materialistic things, which is a total bummer, but like really sympathetic and pitying and jaw-dropping looks. The jaw-droppers are usually children who I want to call LITTLE JERKS, but refrain. But today. Not today. Today I received something else:

The FedEx Guy where I work just gave me a, and I quote, “really nice and expensive and cool” FedEx pen. He says he never gives them away, and that I should hide it so nobody sees it because they’ll “certainly want to steal it.” I think he felt bad for me when he saw my tube. Pretty sure he thinks I have cancer.

So, con of the day: I’m strapped to a tube and pump.

But a pro? I freaking got a pen. A really nice and expensive and cool pen.

But I swear, if I even one more little kid stares at me and asks his mom loudly Mommy what’s in that lady’s nose??? I’ll draw a mustache and pirate eye patch on them and then write SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER on their forehead with my really nice and expensive and cool pen. And then I will call them a LITTLE JERK. And I will not feel sorry. Not one bit.

14 comments:

kleighh said...

Hahaha. I don't blame you one bit. Hang in there, hun, and yay for cool pens! :)

Melisa said...

I think I might start putting a tube up my nose for free cool things! Can't beat that. You are hilarious:)

Kyla said...

hehe, so jealous ;)

jana bananas said...

Nice pen! (And you know how I love my pens.)

Jenn said...

You should write smelly pirate hooker on the PARENTS for letting their kids be so rude. You should frame that pen...

jana bananas said...

Try to remember that little kids just don't know any better, OK? They just don't.

Danielle G. said...

My brother once stared at a man (of another race) and shouted "Daddy look! A monkey) Haha kids are clueless.

Devon said...

I feel like that is indeed the best use for the pen :D

tawny said...

Fed Ex man had the hots for you cuz seriously they don't let go of their golden pens! Lucky girl..are we hanging today??

Morgan said...

Try walking into a Coach store, they will basically do anything for you with a tube... I am pretty sure they thought the cancer thing too, but hey great discounts!

Kara said...

There's no feeling in the world like writing with an awesome pen...I want one!!!!

Brooke said...

I would pay big money for you to actually tear the kid from his mom and draw the patch and write smelly pirate hooker! I would love the confrontational drama of it. Even better, because I wouldn't be involved!

Good luck with that!

Tanya said...

Dude...I am up for grabs on writing things on staring kids. I have a tube vac...and swelling and I look like a monster...so yea...I get the stares...its major suckage, Hugs...wish there was more I could say or do.

Vintage Mafia said...

I got free stuff when I was preggo with my eggo too... that was #1 on my "why it pays to be preggo" list