Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh, I Am Tired

Oh, I am tired.

I’ve been ill all weekend, but it’s more than that. It’s as if, deep in my bones, my body is just saying, enough. I’ve scarcely been able to breathe for almost a week now. I go to work every day, only four hours a day, but it feels like fourteen. I come home exhausted, and all I did was sit at a desk. I survey my house: the dishes need to be done, a few loads of laundry are begging to be washed, maybe the living room needs to be vacuumed. But then I weigh my health to energy ratio, wonder if I have enough in me to do these chores, and if I do, what will it cost me? A night lying on the couch, not being able to move afterward, for sure. In the past hour I’ve taken several steroids for my lungs, I’ve taken migraine medication. I’ve swallowed ibuprofen to help the inflammation around my PEG tube, slathered Vaseline on it to soothe the burns.

Yet I feel no better.

Tears were streaming down my face as I did the dishes. Because I hurt. All the time. And it shouldn’t be so hard to do something as ordinary as the damn dishes.

I’m sitting on my porch with the laptop, watching C on his scooter outside. I can watch him, and I can laugh with him and congratulate him on his bravery when he topples off. But I cannot play with him. So I watch, pretend like I don’t hurt, pretend like it doesn’t hurt to not be able to play with my nearly three year old son. Pretend like he doesn't know his mommy is sick.

I’m crying now, and geez, I rarely cry, now – I’m too jaded. I’m sorry to whinge on this post my friends, but I needed to get the pain and resentment out, so that it doesn’t fester inside, and make me even sicker.

For years I trained my body for deprivation. I prided myself for it, for its lack of need for anything physical. But now I need so much.
And my body refuses it.

20 comments:

McIntyre Family said...

Hi Brie,

My heart truly aches for you and I want, so want, to do something, anything whether it be clean your house, make a meal, go to the store, anything....but strangers don't do that....there's weirdness, awkwardness...why?....people are people and everyone hurts...everyone cries....everyone has needs and emotions.....please let me know if there's anything I can do without crossing the weirdness line.....but for right now I suppose I'll have to settle for sending you my prayers, thoughts, and non-awkward hugs. Hope to see you back at church soon!

P.S. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm throwing a Brie pity party because I'm not....I admire your strength and courage and humor very much

Lisa said...

Oh Brie. I'm so sorry.

You WILL get better. If solely due to the intense support you have from your readers.

Standing in the Rain said...

oh man do i hear you. i understand, though i know that does little to ease the pain. it's such a lonesome, scary feeling though, to think you COULD actually die this time. i wish i could give you a big hug...maybe B or C will do it for me??

wish i had more to offer friend. i guess just rest it out. maybe you need a few days off. to sleep. and tend to yourself. not sure if this is possible, just an idea.

thinking of you and wishing good things start happening for that body of yours!

jana bananas said...

It's hard to know what to say here, because I feel a certain level of frustration. I hope you get better. You sincerely worry me. I worry about you a lot. :( I want you to get better, and it's so frustrating to see little to no progress with that (for you, but for me too). I'm sorry that your body just isn't cooperating. All you can do is just keep plugging away at it, trying to take the best care of yourself possible.

It's so unfair, I know. But I think (hope/pray/fingers-crossed) that your body will start to heal soon. Just don't give up out of frustration or anything... keep working. And rest *lots* -- as much as you possibly can.

Kara said...

I'm so sorry it's so hard. Know that I'm thinking about you and care about you.

Stella said...

Don't feel sorry for expressing your feelings!! It is better to get them out, whether on your blog or to someone, than just bottle them up inside.

I'm sorry that you are so drained. Keep your head up, keep taking care of yourself the best you can, and keep the hope that one day, soon, things will get better :)

toctoc said...

Don't despair.

Krista said...

I'm so sorry too that you are feeling so yucky. It seems so unfair that now that you want your body to heal it won't. You are in my thoughts.

HAFC said...

Hi Brie,

You really do have a lot going on. Are you able to take a few days off like a Monday through Wednesday kind of thing, so that you have the weekend AND those 3 extra days? I like it when you share your "down" moments....although I wish you didn't feel this way, it helps me feel like I'm not the only one. And whoever said that the time after "recovery" is "amazingly awesome" is lying. It's still hard for me. Every day, and I'm supposed to be "recovered." I feel the frustration you feel too.....it sucks when your body doesn't want to cooperate. Take care BB, and have some snuggle time with Brandon.

Keely said...

(hug) That sounds so hard. My heart aches for you when you were talking about not being able to play with cade and pretending he doesn't know his mommy is sick. I will totally do some dishes/laundry. Not in a poor-brie way, but in an I-want-to-help one. :) Have you been to the pulmonologist lately? Breathing treatments? Claritin? My allergies make everything so much crappier. Just know that I'm thinking of you and have an extra pair of hands if you need some hugs... or a dish washer. ;-)

Penny said...

You, my dear, are always in our thoughts and prayers. We not only need you but want you in our life. So sorry that it is so hard right now. I know that your body will respond sooner than you think and you will feel better. You are doing so many right things now.
I thought I would leave you with a joke from the Readers Digest: (made me smile)...At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
Dad said you would like this one: "Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What's your street name?" I asked.
"I don't have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."
Love you.

Devon said...

You're strong, brave, and an incredible woman.

Out of anyone I know - it is you, you my dear Brie who can win.

3 years from now when I come down for a visit, we'll sit on your porch and watch C try the bike with no training wheels and it shall be grand.

Meet me there, promise? Why, because I know without question that you can.

I adore you.

Telstaar said...

Brie-girl, all I want to say is, I understand... not all of it but the essence of it... I am here, I am praying, I love you dearly.

Love Telle xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Cammy said...

Brie, I wish I had words that could make this better for you, because you are an intelligent, compassionate, strong woman that truly deserves nothing than the best. Things are rough right now, but hang in there and don't lose hope. It will take time for your body to rebuild itself, and I know it is so frustrating to finally start *wanting* to do better, only to have your body rebel on you. Keep swimming, Brie, you have an incredible amount of support. There is a difference in frustration with a situatoin (which is warranted) and discouragement (which is dangerous), just focus on one day at a time...
Hugs and positive thoughts being sent in your direction,
C.

Krystle said...

My heart aches for you, sweetie. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you know it's all going to be okay. Please hang in there. I am sending lots of healthy thoughts your way. ♥

brie said...

Thank you to everyone, truly, for your love and kind words. I am usually "okay" for the most part, but yesterday...I felt so weak physically and mentally that I could not hold back the tears, the frustration, the "why me's?"

And I'm not just saying this, but I really do feel better, more optimistic, from reading your comments. I can believe in them when I cannot believe in myself. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

xo to you all. You have no idea how much I care about you and love you for not only reading my blog, but commenting, wanting to be apart of me and my crazy life. You are an amazing bunch of compassionate, flawed (but I love that!) brave wo(men) and I am so pleased to know you all. Really!

Dena said...

I hesitated to comment on your blog since you don't even know me, but then I thought it might make you feel a little better to know there are people out here you don't even know thinking about you and praying for you.

I am sad to know you are feeling so bad. You deserve so much better. I hope you get some relief soon.

Dena

Brooke said...

Girl, my tears are here too. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. To a small degree I have been there. I have had the mental pain where I couldn't get up to play with my kids either because I was too tired/numb/miserable/etc. Or because I was to angry/crazy and I should stay away. Oh how it hurt me to feel that I couldn't play with my children.

I don't think anyone realizes what you go through on a daily basis. You are so strong. Unbelievable. I'm sorry your body isn't responding well yet...but like Mom said through prayers and medical miracles anything can happen.

Love you sis.

Sarah said...

You shouldn't feel lame for posting this. I think physical pain amplifies our emotional pain and frustration and can wear us out so quickly. You're doing the best you can. What more can anyone ask from you? What more can you ask from yourself?

zubeldia said...

oh sweety.

I'm just so sorry, my love. There's nothing fair about this, my friend. The bone fatigue you describe sounds just awful, and knowing that you're doing everything you can must bring it's own brand of misery.

What can I do to help, Brie?

Love, Z