Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm tired.

Of cleaning a house that never seems to actually stay clean.

Of doing things for a child that never seems grateful.

Of trying to breathe. I’m tired of it being so.damn.hard.

Of trying to gain weight. The guilt I carry weighs more than what I actually gain.

Of going to the dietician.
And the therapist.
And the gastroenterologist.
And the allergist.
And the pulmonologist.
And the E.D. specialist.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of being humiliated because I have a tube, or because I’m sick, or because something, always, invariably, is wrong with me.
I’m wrong.

Of being misunderstood.

Of enduring sympathetic, probing, stares. Or worse, questions.

Of lame jokes, like, “Hey, you can have some of my weight!” or “I wish I couldn’t breathe! Maybe then I’d lose 10 lbs!” You have no freaking idea what you're talking about, Loser.

Of being pitied.

Of being the Sick One.

Of taking 9 medications at night and 2 inhalants. And of getting 14 shots a month.

Of medical bills.

Of a job where I feel expendable.

Of expectations that I always fall short of, by, like, a mile.

I’m tired of smiling. Of being SO STRONG. SO BRAVE. SO AWESOME.

I’m tired of faking it.

But, at the very least, I suppose I’m alive to even feel tired of all of these things.
That’s got to count for something.

Even when I’m really tired.

22 comments:

licketysplit said...

My heart goes out to you Brie. I know I can't possibly fathom everything you are going through, but I've been at the point where it feels like I can't possibly keep going another day, or even another minute. That I'm stretched too far, and hurting too much. And it just isn't fair. Don't feel like you have to pretend, especially on here. Right now there are a lot of sucky things going on in your life, it's okay to be frustrated and tired. *HUGS*

Jackie said...

Honey I am so sorry :( You have put up with so much - I don't blame you at all for just being TIRED. I wish you didn't feel like you needed to fake being happy - you know that everyone loves you for being you. Whether you are happy, sad, tired, weak. Just know how much I love you. I can only hope and pray that everything gets a little bit easier from here. You are loved Brie, no matter how you are feeling. xoxo

Leaving The Disordered Life Behind said...

Dearest Brie...

I appreciate your honesty and willingness to be so open on this post. From what I take from it- it seems as though many things have gotten you rather down lately, especially the work factor. I can completely relate! I have two college degrees, am about to start on my first (of two) graduate programs- and yet, I feel like it's NEVER GOOD ENOUGH! And...I HATE FEELING THIS WAY! I have a good paying job right now, yet, like you, I feel worthless and expendable- as though they could easily do without me or could get rid of me at any moment.In fact, I too feel like I bust my ass of at work, and yet, it NEVER seems to be enough to keep anyone happy. Whatever happened to bosses and co-workers appreciating all of the millions of good things we do for the company's we work for? I think that most people see with such tunnel vision- and only see the few mistakes me make and totally forget about the 97 million other amazing things in which we've done. My point to all of this is- some people simply just SUCK ass!!

Secondly, I can completely relate to your struggle with being tired of all of the appointments. I do outpatient work at CFC, as well as meeting regularly with my private (not affiliated with CFC) therapist, go to doctors appointments, etc. It's overwhellming and often feels like appointments and recovery is a full-time job within it's self. It's frustrating and hard and down right difficult! Sometimes I have had to take a step back- perhaps a month off from all of the appointments, and focus on other theraputic activities, for example, taking guitar lessons, sewing, doing art, etc. I believe that there are tons of ways that one can express themselves without having to go to a therapist to help a person figure out who they are. That's just a thought of course.

Lastly- and this is a little off subject- but looking back at a few posts back- you mentioned that you were able to get in to the "top eating disorder specialist in the state of Utah." After thinking about your comment, and because I've been around the block a time or two with medical providers here in SLC- there are only two people that come to mind when I hear the word "eating disorder specialist in the state of Utah". The first person that comest to mind is a physician named Dr. Elizabeth J**. The other person that comes to my mind is Dr J**'s physician assistant, Melissa B*****. I know that as of right now, and for quite some time, Dr. J has not been taking on new patients, which means I'm left to think that you may be seeing Melissa B***** (although who knows...I could be completely wrong about all of this..And in that case, you can ignore all of this paragraph). All I know is that Dr. J is a semi decent medical professional in terms of eating disorders- however, she wouldn't know how to follow HIPAA guidelines if it bit her in the butt. However- Melissa B*****, who was formely my eating disorder provider (as well as the former provider of some people I know)---- couldn't properly medically treat a patient if the problem was sitting right in front of her! Trust me. If you are seeing Melissa as a provider- I would take off running in the opposite direction. I am often surprised that Dr. J keeps her employed as her P.A. Anyhow- hopefully you are not seeing Melissa and are seeing Dr. J. I just know that Dr. J hasn't been accepting new patients in a long time.

And finally.... You are a beautiful and amazing girl. I will never forget sitting in front of you and your brother in 10th grade math class. I admired you then for the inner strength I could see that you had, and I admire you know for continuing to kick ED's ass to the curb, where He belongs!

xoxo,

Hang in there. We are all here rooting for you, gal!

Jenn said...

Hi,

I am new to your blog but I absolutely love it, it inspires me so much as I am struggling with my own recovery. When I am feeling overwelmed or discouraged, I can look on your blog and read about your struggles and how you are fighting to overcome them and it gives me a sense of hope for myself and I know that I am not alone, and I just wanted to let you know that your blog means alot to me and I love reading it!

Jenn

jana bananas said...

I love you, Brie.

Whit said...

I love you lots and just sent you an email to your work address. Hang in there!

Stacy said...

xo

Courtney said...

All I can say is I get it. In fact I just wrote a similar blog. I think some of the most trying times come after working really hard. Whenever I have a minute/day/week/month where I'm really motivated there is always a backlash right around the corner.

Just remember that the hard moments don't mean those good moments weren't real. I think all of us feel like we're "faking it" to some degree and I'm really glad that you're willing to share both the ups and down. I wish recovery could be more of a linear process rather than a never-ending rollercoaster, but I do believe that with time the ride becomes more bearable (or who knows, maybe even enjoyable?).

Sure, it's great to be strong, brave, and awesome (which, btw you are even when you don't feel like it). But I think it says a lot more about your character that you're real. Genuine. Willing to admit that recovery isn't always perfect. So when you don't feel like believing in yourself, let others believe in you. I wish I could promise that in X amount of time it would get easier, but I guess part of recovery is learning to trust the unkown.

Sorry this has become such a novel, it's funny how much easier it is to offer someone else advice that you desperately need yourself. So I'll just go back to saying yep, I get it.

kristin said...

I feel a lot of these same things, Brie. I'm tired, too. But hang in there. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

love, kristin

Pattie Cordova said...

{hugs} x 1 million

I'm so sorry you're tired... you have good reason to be tired. You'll make it through and you'll be just fine once you're done with this stage. Until then... hang in there Briester.

Lisa said...

Many, many hugs. I'm so sorry.

When I was about as old as your little C - maybe a little older - my mother had three younger children in addition to me and my older sister. I was the definition of a little shit. If it helps, I'm incredibly grateful for her NOW. I think parenthood is a series of delayed gratifications.

As for the other things ... I'm so sorry. You don't have to fake it every day. Some days you just need to let all the sad and hurt and anger in and just feel it for a little while. Tomorrow will be better.

Keely said...

(hug)

Afterglow05 said...

Brie,
I font really have anything unique to add, other than, I hear you! The breathing thing totally sucks and alongside the ed, it makes it suck that much more. You are an incredible inspiration, even if it's just because I know that what you post is real - and we need that!

Hang in there Brie, you deserve to, and we have faith in you when you don't have enough for yourself!

<3, a

Leaving The Disordered Life Behind said...

Would it be possible for you to write (even if writing in brief) about what's going on with the work situation. You mentioned on Twitter something about being "demoted". Did something recently happen at work that's got you feeling so down?

Also..How was your first doctors apt. with this new doc last week?

Keep us posted! We all love your gutsies!

burningsteady said...

[hugs]

Brooke said...

Oh Brie,

Now I see what you were talking about while commenting on my post. I am so sorry that you are in the place of feeling and being the unhealthy one. I know you feel and have felt this way for so long! I can't imagine what you have gone through or what you still go through. I'm not the best to give advice, but know that I am here and all of your loving huge fam damily is here for you too. We can help you carry some of your burden when it gets too heavy.

Maybe one day soon, you'll have a better day, and on that day, hopefully you'll be able to feel a little bit more healthy and find a bit of joy in your life if only for a moment. I know you will. Hang in there. Call always and anytime. Love you :)

Kara said...

Despite all this, I'm glad that you are grateful that you are alive. It's so easy to lose sight of that sometimes. I'm sorry that things are so hard though.

Love you.

brie said...

Thank you. All of you. I have more I want to say, but I must sleep for I have an early day tomorrow. :)

katie said...

hi brie. you don't know me, we have actually never met. i went to high school with brandon, his parents live in my mom's neighborhood. i stumbled on your blog, probably a year ago. and have laughed and cried with you. lately, i have gained strength and hope. my little sister has just barely started the long road to recovery, she has struggled with her "ED" for about 6 years. finally in february she found the strength to ask for help and is getting it. it's a big step, and we have a long journey to travel with her. i know you said that you are tired of being STRONG and BRAVE and AWESOME, but i think you are amazing. if brandon attends our ten year reunion (in a few years) and you are with him, i will come and say "hi". thank you for putting your heart and soul into this blog. it provides me with hope, and laughter. hang in there and know that someone far away who you don't know is praying for you.

Leaving The Disordered Life Behind said...

Keep rockin' it. This too shall pass!You're fabulous! Just keep repeating in your head, like a mantra, "I'm Brie and I rock the world. No one is going to pull me down! I won't let anyone else steal my power from me. I deserve to be healthy and happy!" Keep rockin' your recovery. You are an insiration yo many, including me. I look forward to hearing from you via your blog, tomorrow. And let's be honest- reading your blog every day, is often what keeps me going. I think it's important for all of us struggling with the devilish ED, that we are truely not alone in our struggles. Reach out and allow other to support you. There are tons of people who care about you and want to see you healthy and happy! Nite!

Lily said...

I can completely relate, and I applaud your candor. No one can be completely "struggle free"...period. Take time for YOU, girl, and never let go of those things that bring you joy in life- even if they inconvenience someone else. You gotta fight for "number one" right now. :) All my love and prayers. (Isaiah 40:31- it's a good one.)

Telstaar said...

Oh hun, you do sound weary. *hugs*

Keep hanging in, step by step.

Thinking and praying for you. (I wish that was enough)

xoxo