Friday, April 3, 2009

Fire Happy

I don’t think I ever mentioned that Docalicious fired me. Did I ever mention that? After he called a gastro to get the PEG placed, he said that he was going to refer me to a different doc because I was “out of his league.” So does he just mean I’m suuuper hot, and I intimidate him with my classy good looks and tall smokin' bod? Haha yeah I bet.
No but for reals he said, “Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing you. I’m just giving advice I’d give my sister. I really think you could get better medical care from somebody else.”

So I was pretty bummed. I didn’t know a doc could just fire you because you were too “complicated.” Half the world these days has ED’s, I mean, what’s the big deal?

But it gets worse.

So then I started seeing this new doc, right, that seemed pretty knowledgeable about ED’s. Once she saw I had a PEG, she said that she didn’t feel right seeing me either, and pawned me off on some other loser. She was like, “Once PEG’s and electrolytes are involved, I just don’t feel qualified,” and I DON’T.FREAKING.GET.IT. Would they turn away a diabetic because their blood sugar got too high? Of course not! That’s like the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.

If I could even cry anymore (it’s much more difficult these days for me to cry, not sure why) I would. It kind of hurts, to feel weird and wrong and “un-helpable.”

So this new doc I’m supposed to go to is supposedly like the best in the state for girls with ED’s. At this point I’m sure she’ll see me and wanna fire me too. Since when is it okay for doctors to refuse to see a patient based on their medical problem(s)?

On another note

Saw GI doc today. He gave me a Rx for a med that’s supposed to make me hungry; he gives it to a lot of his malnourished clients. Not gonna lie, the idea of taking a pill that makes me ravenous scares the ijjer jijjers outta me. And my ijjer jijjers are not easily frightened.

He also said that because I’m malnourished, I’m not healing right, which is the source of all my pain. He said that my skin around the tube, instead of wrapping itself around it (think of an ear piercing) is pulling away from it, which is leaking stomach acid into my abdomen and my skin – which would obviously explain the burning pain (literal burning) I’ve been feeling. And yes, stomach acid burning you is EVEN MORE painful than you can imagine, that I can assure you of.
So I’m a little bummed today.

29 comments:

Nichole said...

I am sorry you are sooo bummed! Crazy little doctors. I hope this next one can help you!

Kara said...

In a way I'm glad the docs are "firing" you if they don't feel qualified enough to treat you (because I want you to have the best care), but what's weird to me is that they don't feel trained in the first place. Why can't you deal with a PEG tube??? Didn't you go to med school??? I mean, it's a PEG tube for pete's sake, not an alien baby growing in your uterus. For shizzle.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully this new doc actually knows what she's talking about.

Kara said...

Clarification: In my comment, by "you" I was talking to the doctors.

Stacy said...

I am sorry you are being shuffled around. So did I understand wrong, or was your needing the PEG cause of your lung issues and all the the calories your body burns just breathing? I mean you have been eating well and making the effort but your asthma makes it hard... right? So if that is why you got a PEG why are your docs firing you because of ED?
hmmm. well I am sure it will all work out and you will get great care, sorry about all the questions just thinking out loud. I really hope life improves for you physically and that you are happy. You are in my thoughts.
xo
Stacy

Standing in the Rain said...

GRRRR...I'd be bummed too, Brie. It is super lame that they are passing you around like that...as someone else said, it's not that weird to have a PEG. At least perhaps this new doc with be good for you??? Hopefully.

And yes, the stomach acid leaking sounds super painful. Did he have any advice on helping it?

Gosh, all this is sucktastic, as you would say. I'm sorry you have to go through it all. Know that so many of us are thinking of you and hoping things get better soon.

Lisa said...

What a crappy situation. I can't imagine how much pain you're in. Consistency is so comforting when it comes to medical care - I'm sorry you're adrift at the moment.

I'm also sorry that you won't be able to see Docalicious again.

I'm glad, however, that you're going to get the very best care.

jana bananas said...

That sucks! Bye docalicious!

So I want to know the answers to Stacy's questions too. I'm confused about the situation.

Also, why are you afraid of getting your appetite back? Have you regained your fear of weight gain? I know you know you need to gain but it seems like now there's some hesitation on your part. Just the impression I'm getting here.

burningsteady said...

That just sucks, but hopefully it means you'll get someone who can really, truly help, which would make it no longer sucks.

brie said...

No, I wasn't fired for ED reasons at all - the PEG was completely placed due to my bad lungs burning all my cals to function n stuff.

And JB - of course I'm scared to gain weight. Just because I want to and know I need to, doesn't mean that it's easy - the right thing often isn't, you know? The idea of a pill making me super hungry is scary because I feel like it'll make me out of control. I can't imagine how much more it'll make me want to eat than I already am...I'm like an animal, seriously.

So yeah. I'm not gonnna lie and say that weight gain will be a piece of cake, because it never is. Even when I'm completely 100% recovered, I always think that weight gain will be difficult, and I imagine it is for most recovering anorexics.

jana bananas said...

OK, thanks very much for clarifying.

HAFC said...

Sorry all those docs won't see you. I had a doctor once in Colorado who refused to see me too, he thought I was a "liability." Seriously, I don't get it.....aren't they trained to treat people who come into their office? I hope this last one works out well....good luck kiddo!

Penny said...

I think that it is professional of a doctor to refer or defer to another if he knows someone else could help his patient more. They all can't be expert in every situation. I like that they are thinking of what you need and who will do the best job to help you. Compare this to any profession, like teachers. Certainly some are better than others in teaching math or history even though they are all qualified. Maybe I am an optimist but I believe they care about you and want the best for you. Mucho love my dear.

brie said...

yeah mom, i know logically you're probably right. ...but it still hurts a bit...

licketysplit said...

I think I've dealt with a similar situation to a much smaller degree lately. Every doc I see seems to refer me to someone else and I kind of get the feeling that they just don't want to deal with me. Even though, as you said, it most likely isn't the case, it's still hard. I really hope this new doc works out for you!

zubeldia said...

oh, brie, baby, what a hard time. And even though it's clear the Dr. had your best interests at the center of his referral, I know that it's not easy to go though that, and I KNOW that wherever you are in ed recovery, weight gain is hard. And however much you want it...

So sorry I haven't been around. Life and work are utterly nutso. But I think of you so often, my little (well, very tall) friend.

Love,love, Z

satisfiction said...

Too bad you don't get to see Docalicious anymore. Pretty men make life more fun. Though he did say that weird catpunching thing. Focus on the bad to help you heal. ;)

I got fired by my GP lately because my eating issues are too complicated too, apparently. I was trying to talk to her about how in my life I've either gone months on end eating nothing or compulsively overeaten (which to me says "aaaah EDNOS time to refer me to a specialist"), never a balance, and she said "I really don't know what to say to you. I don't think I'm the right doctor for you." And that was that. Mine sounds more incompetence than actual concern, though. At least Docalicious knows you can get better help somewhere else.

-Lindsay

satisfiction said...

P.S. I had to re-read my comment about nine times because for some reason I'm convinced I used the wrong form of "heal." Writing is fun.

Telstaar said...

*hugs* I sympathise so much Brie. I'm sorry its going on like this. It is good that they care enough to let you know that you're pushing them beyond their comfort zone, but it'd be great if they kept you until you could find someone else appropriate! I just know I went through this rigmarole over the past year trying to find a psychologist, eventually the one that has kept me has NO idea about eating disorders, but she's happy to learn and asks better questions then the ones that had no idea! Keep on trying, someone out there will be able to help you, just not sure when...but in the mean time, I feel your pain. Remember its not YOU that is the problem, its just that their training hasn't developed them in those areas yet!!

*hugs*

Tanya said...

Ugh...I hate when doctors do that.

Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. For me though it was because of the type of cancer and the type of radiation. As well as the eating disorder. I hate when doctors do this. I think they do this more now because of malpractice concerns and liability issues. They get scared to treat you. They aren't sure they can really help you or they just don't want to deal with anorexics.

I have to admit that its better to be fired than continue to be treated by a doctor or therapist who is scared to treat you.

Doctors really do annoy me...they just do. I am sorry you are having to deal with these frustrations now.

brie said...

You guys are seriously like all my therapists! :) Thanks so so so much for all your comments, I really do feel better. :)

Brooke said...

Yo Breeze. I agree with Mom. I don't think the docs are just blowing you off, they are just really trying to get the best medical help available. I know it probably feels like you are kind of friekish--but I think it is a VERY GOOD THING. Also, I'm glad that figured out the source of the pain and the ear-piercing comparison really made sense to me.

Hang in there! Sorry you are still in so much pain :( :(

Laura said...

This is exactly why I decided to study musical theatre instead of continuing with my pre-med degree.




I also agree with your family on this one...
and hear you loud and clear on the "it still hurts"...
and AMEN to the " gaining weight will ALWAYS be scary" well after recovery...

recovery goes on and on...(shall I sing the Celine Dion Titanic song for you?)..and the fear is always there, regardless...what changes is the NOT giving in to those actions and habits that are self destructive when the fear hits...

I'll bring you a big diet coke in the morning...(if only I could)

many prayers for you

xoxo
L

Standing in the Rain said...

oooh, i think the lovely and eternally hilarious laura is right on on this one. i think your apprehension to gain weight, even at such an obviously critical need, is normal for those in recovery/recovered/whathaveyou from ED's.

i also know you have the strength to push past the fear and just do it. because your life depends on it. and cade-y needs his momm-y around for so much longer.

thinking of you brie and hoping today was a little less pain and a little more fun. wish there was more i could do from afar, but i can't think of anything. if you do, be sure to let me know!!!! :)

Sarah said...

Yeah, for reals, I agree with STIR. It's freaking normal for you to be afraid of weight gain, hence the diagnosis of anorexia. It's not something you should have to explain or feel bad about at all. I hope you feel better today, dear Brie, and believe it or not, I have also experienced the joy that is stomach acid leaking. It's like a day at a beachfront resort with a spa, right? To cope, I'd recommend lying on the floor sobbing, and in the meantime making people buy you clothes and books and DVDs to make you feel better. You could have quite a collection amassed by the time you're off the floor.

Zena said...

Brie,
i know i am a little late in comeing in on this but i just wanted to say that I am ubber proud of you and I would also suggest lieing on the floor in sobs..if not only to make you feel better but like Sarah said you could aqquire quite a collection of really cool stuff:)

love, Z

kristin said...

Brie, sorry to hear about being "fired". It would totally hurt my feelings to. I think it will all be for the best, though, because if you can find a doc that is the right fit for you and is an expert in what you need, then you can get the best care possible. Hang in there, Brie! I'm sure the right doc is out there for you!

I hope that you feel better soon!

love, kristin

Pattie Cordova said...

OMG... your life is a total roller coaster. I'm sorry to hear about all this crapola that you STILL have to go through... as though everything thus far hasn't been enough.

Anywho, much love going out to you. I'm thinking and praying about you.

Standing in the Rain said...

how are you?

i've been thinking of you this weekend and hoping you aren't hurting too terribly.

Krystle said...

Oh my goodness, Brie! Stupid docs. Who knows though? Maybe this "firing" via physicians will work out for the best...maybe this new doc will be able to help you better than any other. Mucho positive thoughts! Feel better!