Last night I received this anonymous comment on my Countdown to Suckiness post:"I have to admit, I can't understand why you'd do such a thing. [She's referring to me getting the NG tube.] You're lucky enough to be so beautifully thin ... how can you give that up? At least you should give some pro-ana tips to those of us still fat and ugly."
I was floored. Speechless. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. Truthfully, I felt pretty terrible. Not for what Anonymous said…I actually feel sorry for her. I’m not upset at her…it’s more I just worried and wondered that my blog was being used for everything I was against: pro-anorexia and glorifying thinness. I know I’m too thin. But I also believe that because this is my blog, I can post a picture of me hanging with my friends or my family, and not have to feel guilty about it. I don’t want to worry people are looking at my blog for tips on how to be too thin. ...And this comment wasn’t the first of its kind. I wasn’t nor will I ever be trying to broadcast that or anything of the sort. I know that the majority of my readers know this, and applaud my efforts to recover and do what I need to gain weight. But it was still hard to read it. I felt terrible.
But then, earlier this evening, I got an email from someone who reads my blog that I’ve never met. For confidentiality purposes I won’t say her name, but here are a few snippets of the email she sent me:
" …I hope this email doesn't creep you out too much, as it is basically fan mail. You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for about a month after my friend gave me a link…I've missed the past year of school while in treatment for an eating disorder. …I've been reading just about every pro-recovery book/blog/website/forum I can get my hands on, because I need all the motivation I can get. You blog has seriously helped me so much- from reading your "Behind Bars" trilogy (I 100% agree with your sentiments on Nia) to just your everyday thoughts, you've given me hope and inspiration that recovery really is possible.I know you've recently gotten an NG tube, and I can relate to how difficult it is. I had an NG tube for my entire inpatient stay, and it was not easy…so even though I don't have the right words to say to really help you, maybe just knowing you aren't alone might be something?I hope this email isn't too weird for you... I understand that we don't know each other and I'm just a high schooler... but I really did want to say thank you. Every day is a struggle for me right now, and being able to read about the small victories of other "ED warriors" is sometimes what gets me through the rough patches…So thank you. Keep writing and keep fighting."
So, I’d like to say to M, who wrote this, that you made my day – hell, you made my week! It was honestly what I needed after the comment I got last night…because I do want to help others, and that’s part of the reason blogging has become my new passion – because I can give support and insight to others, and I, in turn, can receive it. So, M, thank you for coming out of anonymity and making me feel better and inspiring me. It helped me to keep going with the NG tube and with blogging. You’re a rockstar. :D
And I also wanted to say to so many others – all the texts and emails and flowers and cards lately have been so helpful. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, and that there are so many who care.
I’m done being corny now. Brie. Out.
13 comments:
what a cool email! i think about how hard it is to stay in recovery sometimes and how much harder it is to talk honestly with people about my struggles when i haven't fully overcome them- especially while doing ED awareness/prevention stuff. but then i receive things like that email and they always come just when i need it most. i couldn't ask for a more perfectly timed boost of recovery to help me stick it out and keep fighting. and on some days, that's all that will keep you going, so thank goodness that gem of a blessing has appeared for you! you rock chicka. loves you!
Brie,
OK so I have refrained from ever posting on your blog because I too was worried I would creep you out. I just clicked on your profile from Whit's blog. I have also been reading your blog and enjoying all of your super funny and inspiring comments. I was a former CFC jail bird too. I think what you are doing is amazing. I find it so incredibly awesome that you can be so open with your struggles with ED. I think it is so important to stay honest about what you are going through and your blog is just that -refreshingly honest and whitty! I have even been inspired to create my own blog devoted to recovery after reading Whit's and your and many others blogs. I will email you an invite if you want, but I totally understand if you think thats kind of weird. Anyway, I just want to say that I appreciate what you are doing here. I enjoy reading it and your strength to recover truly inspires me and many others. Thanks! I truly think you are amazing!
Ok just one more thing. I posted this on Whit's inspiration blog too, but I thought it was good and that you would like it to.
I was asked to read this comment in church today. It is part of a talk given by Elder Hales on personal revelation during the October conference.I really liked so I thought I would share it.
"Generally miracles will not be a physical demonstration of God's power- parting of the Red Sea, raising of the dead, breaking down prison walls, or the appearance of heavenly messengers. By design, most miracles are spiritual demonstrations of God's power- tender mercies gently bestowed through impressions, ideas, feelings of assurance, solutions to problems, strength to meet challenges, and comfort to bear disappointments and sorrow. These miracles come to us as we endure what the scriptures call a "trial of our faith." Sometimes that trial is the time it takes before an answer is received."
From another person you don't know, but who just started reading your blog-- You really are inspiring. I love just reading your everyday thoughts, it lets me know I am not alone! Hang in there, you're doing an amazing job with everything. I'm trying to start a blog, and it's scary! Reading yours, and many others really gives me inspiration, hope, and a few good laughs. I know what it feels like to get comments like the anonymous one you got. I'm glad you can take it for what it's worth, instead of letting Ed have his way with it!
THANK YOU!
Brie, you really are amazing. Try to not let that Anonymous post get you down. Focus on that email, and a couple of the comments here on your blog above mine, instead! You are helping people just by being you. You certainly are helping me. I love you!
I completely agree. I am also in recovery and read blogs so that I don't feel so alone (no one I know from treatment right now is making real strides in their recovery and none of them want to talk about it anymore so they can continue to stay stagnant in recovery.) I found your blog through digestiondujour and I LOVE reading it. It makes me feel so much less alone and it has helped me to reframe some of my negative experiences from treatment in a more humorous light. I can tell from your writings that you are a brave, humorous, and positive person who is willing to endure a LOT of personal pain for the good of her family and her God. I was so excited when you agreed to get the tube because, being weight restored has given me a lot of possibilities I wouldn't have had otherwise. I am getting married in a few months and reading your decision has made me refocus on what I need to be doing ED-wise (or rather, ED-less!) to prepare for my married life with my husband. Thank you for being an inspiration and know that you are and have been in my prayers. I hope all of these anonymous commenters (positive or negative!) don't creep you out too much!
Sarah
Your blog rocks, period.
Krista, I'd love an invite to your blog, thanks. :)
And some of you other readers of my blog...thank you for commenting - your words have meant so much to me. I look forward to reading all of your blogs - I love finding new ones to read. :)
I'm glad you got the lift you needed! It's always nice to hear from people who are supportive, no matter who they are. I think you are definitely inspiring others and clearly not trying to glorify your ED. I actually think it's awesome that you are comfortable posting pics of yourself; even people who don't struggle with full blown ED have issues doing that sometimes. Good job Brie, keep strong!
if you can't tell I too love you blog and it really does help. What you write brings a bunch of us together to read your thoughts and the comments of others going through the sameish stuff. My husband calls you guys my weird friends (cause although he loves me he doesn't get it) but he knows I get motivation and try to do well because of what i read... and that I really care about you and the girls that comment on your blog.
Thank you. I am glad I found you on the myspace CFC group.
Take care.
Brie I just wanted to say that I love reading your blog, and I am so proud of you! You are so brave and so cute (even WITH the tube!) and I have always looked up to you! Good luck! Love ya!
my reaction: loves it!
go brie! see, maybe you were meant to be the spreader of light to others. ha ha do you love the positive side of tracy? and do you just love that i completely just used my name in the third person? i freaking love you so much, and i hope you know not only do you inspire strangers, but even me. :D you rock.
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