Tuesday, April 15, 2008

She Said, I Said, I Thought

She said: You know what to do, you just don’t do it.
I said: I know.
She said: I don’t mean to pick on you, but…
I said: No, I know. I get it, it’s fine.
She said: You’re always looking for loopholes. Why?
I said nothing.
She said: Why is most of your energy going toward not getting better, and a small percentage going toward telling everyone you’re going to get better, but never following through?
I said nothing, but started to cry, which I abhorred, for I felt weak.
She said: Don’t you want to have integrity? Don’t you want to be healthy and happy and have an equal relationship with your husband? Aren’t you tired of being a child?
I said: Yes, yes, yes, I am.
She said: Then do something about it. I realize these feelings of inadequacy are deeply ingrained in you, but it’s time to change.
I said nothing. But I felt small.

I’ve said nothing, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.

I’ve thought: I need to get better. I need to gain weight. It’s time to take this seriously.
I’ve thought: Maybe I should check into a hospital for a week or two - max - and get a jumpstart on weight gain.
I’ve thought: I want to prove everybody wrong. Everybody who shook their heads sadly and told me I couldn’t do it. Everybody who said I was a lifer, and couldn’t change.
I’ve thought: I want to be around for my baby. I want to watch the child grow into a man, shaped by his mother’s love and steadfastness in what is right and true. And this isn’t true. Not what I’m doing. This is selfish and shallow and needless.
I’ve thought: It’s time to change. For good this time.


Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

I like your therapist (if that is who you are talking to) she sounds smart.
I am sad we didn't get to see each other last week. Let me know if you want to try again.
By the way, I know you can do this....you just have to do it :)

Jodi said...

I know we don't really know each other but I believe you can do this! I really genuinely do.

Shannon said...

WOOT! You can do it! You have so many people cheering you on...even if you cant see it :D

aLana said...

what a great post. i say no better time than the present, so be looking forward to dinner tonight! i'll get a shake if you will, deal? you can do this briezy. i know you're capable, but sometimes i think you forget that YOU know you're capable of it. i'm going to pull a nike and say JUST DO IT! i know, easier said than done, but michelle pretty much took all of the good lines for this post! :)

Stacy said...

you ca do it. IT is HARD to do. you are working at it right... eating... even junk I think from the stuff you post. I realized (this is advice to myself too) that you the better things in life come when you are doing well. you don't have to be perfect at recovery. you can't infact. you want it... that is 98% of the battle. much love from another struggling mommy.

Tanya said...

I am proud of you for posting this. It makes me sad that you struggle this way, but I know how it feels. I always think and say I am fighting and sometimes I don't really fight as much as I should. Sometimes I say I am when I know I am not. But the truth is you can do this. You will do it...you have the support and strength and don't let someone else tell you that you are a lifer...there is no such thing. There is always the chance to rise above it all and find a way to recovery. I am so proud of you for posting this...it means a lot that you are willing to fight...you can. You have the strength. If you need me to do anything for me, please let me do something for you...even if it is just sitting and eating with you. I know its hard, but you are amazing.

zubeldia said...

Hey Brie, I was in this spot once and I took a risk because, you know, the ED started to become more despairing than the alternative. And I tasted life. LIFE... a less contained and restricted life and, dammit, I liked it. And although I struggle now, still, it is so very worth it. It really is. You can do this.

You have such a spirit.

Love Z

Savannah said...

Brie, I really hate to say it because I know that people may think I'm not a good friend...that I'm not challenging you and all that jazz, BUT

I really do think you are working hard. I really do. You are a full time mother and on top of that you have a job. Being a mother is not at all easy..not even a little! You have done a lot and you are successful at it. I really don't know what else to say.

I am going to feel like the biggest bitch in the world at this exact moment, but yes...I do think you need to gain weight, but I'm not going to make you. I know that you can do this. I absolutely know this! You are so amazing and so intelligent...and I know that you know what is healthy for you.

Clearly you are doing something semi-correctly or else you wouldn't be here anymore...so, I am not going to put you down. I am not going to tell you that you aren't doing what you need to. Because....you are. You are a mother, and you are good at it.

I love you my dear. Keep working hard. You WILL gain weight...just keep on trying. Nothing is going to be accomplished right away, but please never give up. I love hun..I really do.

Emily said...

Your therapist is a smart lady. She makes you think. That's a good thing!

I believe with all my heart that you can do this, you can gain weight and be OK.

KC Elaine said...

you can do it! you're not a lifer!

it's me, t said...

go brie go brie you're the best!

if all else fails, just do as juno would and down a 64 oz blue slushie!

brydelle said...

This is a great post. And I know that me saying this puts a lot of pressure on you, but I know that you can do this. I've seen how strong you are, and how much love you have for life and for Cade and Bran. I admit that I don't know much about your struggles, but if I've learned anything in my life, it's that your past doesn't define you. I believe in you, and I will help you however I can. You go girl! I love you.

heather said...

Holy shmolly....that was quite the intensely honest post. It made me sad to read it. Truly. I wish I could be a better support to you. Believe me when I say this....we all start with just the "words"....doing a whole lot of saying and little actual "doing", but I do believe you're doing more "doing" than you or "she" probably thinks. Yes, it's time, it's been time, but it's not easy. It's never been and it never will. It's damn hard, but with your stubborn determined mind, I really believe you can achieve recovery. I never thought it possible for me, and here I am loving having a life, for once, without the constant Ed whispering in my ear how terrible and ugly and bad I am. It's possible. It's very possible. Keep thinking about what she said. Roll it around in your mind and heart. There is truth to what she said, whoever "she" was, although I'm sure it was hard to hear, but hopefully you can prove to both her and everyone else that you are more than just words. You're a wonderful person, friend, wife, mom, and individual who is completely capable of full recovery.

The Cheese said...

Heather, thank you, thank you, for your comment. You always say the most beautiful, spot-on things. :)

Telstaar said...

You are completely living out this post!!!