Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I Wonder

A few things I’ve speculated about lately…

Have I ever known, or at the very least, passed someone on the street that was in the witness protection program? I wonder how many sad, secret lives are out there, that none of us even know about, never even spare a passing thought to.

If we’ve got phlegm in our chest, we’re supposed to cough (or spit) it out, correct? I’ve always heard that, but swallow the nasty acidic sludge, never wanting to spit it out. But, this morning, I was in the parking garage, just getting ready to walk into work, and I did one of the nasty phlegmish coughs. I thought, hey, maybe it’ll help with my asthma and breathing to get this crap outta my lungs. So I cough and hack until I’ve got a sufficient amount in my mouth, bend over, and spit it out. I hear footsteps behind me. And there’s my boss. Suck.

So back to the ‘I wonder’ part. Are we really supposed to cough it up, or is that some old wives’ tale or something? I should ask my doctor brotha. He’d know. Because what I do know is that I’ve got a whole lot more sludge in my chest. My humiliation this morning was all for nothing.

I wonder if anyone is not afraid of heights. I don’t believe that anyone would stand at the foot of a building or cliff and think, hey, wow. Who cares if I fall? I’m not scared at all. I think everyone’s scared. Maybe there are people who are more phobic about it, but withstanding the circus monkey freaks that walk the tight-rope and flip around on the trapezes, I’d say everyone is afraid of heights. It’s only natural, after all.

I also often wonder about my blog. My niece put it so eloquently in one of her blog entries, and I won’t even try to compete with her caliber writing, but I think, what will my readers think of me after reading this entry? Will disappointment lick their insides, did I not post what they wanted or expected? Will they think less of me? Perhaps more? And I wonder why I care. I wonder if my writing is any good, especially when void of humor. I wonder, but I already know. It’s not. Good, I mean. Sure, the grammar is more or less correct, as well as the spelling, but it’s missing passion and excitement and that fervor that keeps readers interested. I know this. My writing, like me, is mostly mediocre. Just ordinary, run of the mill.

Now I sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself, and I don’t mean to. So, I’ll move on.

I also wonder what it would be like to wear a burka for a day. To feel the fear and shame of being inferior, all for being a woman. I wonder what it would be like to be ashamed of my gender, to be humiliated for something I have no control over. And then I wonder what it would be like to wear it for an entire lifetime, hiding everything, living behind a veil. And then I think, I am. In my own way, I am. Hiding behind my eating disorder. People cannot see the real me, though my eyes, vibrant with life, peek out - more and more now. But I want to be proud of being a woman, proud of my curves and softness.

And then I question who I am behind the shroud. Who am I without it?
I wonder.

13 comments:

Whit said...

Damn! That was pretty much amazing...as always. I know that you don't believe me, but your writing is incredible. I sat here at my desk really thinking about some of the things that you said.

As mediocre as you may feel you are not. You are an amazing person with so much strength. I look up to you more than you will ever know.

I can't wait for dinner tonight. We are both going to kick ass, you following your goals and me mine.

Love Always,

Whit

Emily said...

Brie, I think you're a good writer. Your writing, funny or not, always interests me. :)

And I, too, am looking forward to getting to know the non-eating-disordered side of you even more than I already do! I really think that what Jenny is asking me to do, in the long run, will be a very positive step for me. Reading your blog helps me to know the non-sick you... I love reading it. :) I learn more and more about you every day, and that's way cool.

racher said...

i have a burka if you want to borrow it. my grandparents spent a couple of years in afganistan in the late 70's and my grandma had to wear it...

jana said...

I luff your writing. Are you smoking the wacky tobacky or something? You're a great writer that keeps many people entertained! I always get excited when I see a new post from you - dead serious.

jana said...

And by the way, I love your posts even when you're not being funny. I just enjoy your posts, in general.

Laurie and Corey Kunz said...

You need never question if your writing is good or if people are satisfied after reading your blog. You definitely always write a great post.
I miss you tho...are you ignoring me?

The Cheese said...

Thanks all for your comments. I promise I wasn't fishing for a compliment, but I do appreciate them anyway. :)

heather said...

Amazing entry, Brie. Seriously. I especially liked the comparison to being a woman having to hide behind a burka, and here we are doing the same exact thing...hiding behind our eds. I couldn't have stated it better. You're so brilliant with your words. You say exactly what you're thinking and that can never be mediocre or wrong. You should be proud of your thoughts, your words, your feelings, your "wonders"....none of them are wrong or bad...for they all make you the incredible person that you are. Never regret them. They are you.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog regularly and you don't even know me...if that makes you feel any better:)

KC Elaine said...

you're not mediocre and your writing is amazing girl!

Stacy said...

your posts are so thought provoking and I know they would have nearly the same effect if you were the bad writer you think you are when you aren't cracking jokes.

Did you write some stuff for kyla's zine. I am currently reading and it really sounds like you.

anyway... amazing and sorry about Mrs. Peterson. Will Cade be pressing charges for you killing his new friend and mode of transportation

Stacy said...

I meant WOULDN'T have. My head thoughts travel faster than I type :-)

Abby said...

The idea that you, Brie, could ever be mediocre is too ridiculous for me to even contemplate. Face it, girl: You're astonishingly amazing in all relevant areas that I can think of--must be all those great chromosomes, eh? (Yeah, I know the chromosome thing is from like last week or whatever, but I'm just taking a break from typing up notes for an exam that is going to include questions about none other than those 23 little pairs of DNA globs... so I'm already thinking about them. And why do you think I switched my major to psych? To get away from chromosomes and such, that's why! But it could be worse. It could be ATP cycles. So I guess I have to be thankful.)