Friday, April 4, 2008

A Few Things That Have Had Me Roaring Today

Today has been a non-stop laugh fest. It began, oh so kindly, with one of my BFF's posting this amazing picture on her blog. In the post, she wishes her dear sweet baby puppy a happy birthday, and illustrates with the picture below. And this is my new favorite pic! Alana, of course, looks beautiful (she never doesn’t) but her dog, with her 2nd birthday, also seems to have morphed into some sort of hip, no-nonsense, drug lord. I’m still not sure how something that’s only seven pounds can be a bad-ass, but our little Rockstar has accomplished it, what with the cheetah outfit and the hairy jowls. She only needs a cigar in her mouth and some gold gangsta chains ‘round her neck, and she’s set! Anyway, for some reason, I have fallen truly.madly.deeply in love with this picture, and it’s on my desktop at work, for shameless peeping every now and again. Thanks for unwittingly making my day, Lana! I love you and your darling drug lord pooch! Seriously. Just look at Roxy's face, for like, a minute straight, and you can't help but chuckle!

The day got a bit better (well, not better, but at least more interesting) when a colossal furry spider ambled on into the bathroom stall I happened to be facilitating. I panicked, naturally. It gleefully roosted inches from my left foot, and I was, well, otherwise occupied. It’s not like I could do what I normally do (scream and run for cover) and get my self to safety in a timely manner. I thought for a few mere seconds about actually squashing the thing, but I realized that since it seemed to be roughly the same size and height as a newborn infant, I did not relish the idea of hearing the crunch, then inevitably having to throw away a pair of my favorite kicks because it had spider contamination all over it. Plus, I could tell it was plotting my untimely demise, and I didn’t want to provoke it. I survived, though, but barely.
Just barely.

I’ve also done some sneaky calculations, and I have come to the horrifying conclusion that my dietician’s sole quest in life is to make me fat, and not just fat, but, like, enormously fat. Naturally, as I have, you know, oh, a small fear of that, it’s had me stressing. During my sesh with her earlier this week, I was trying to fish for an exact number she wanted me to gain, but could get nothing better than her saying she wanted me to go up, well, let’s just say a looooot of BMI points. So, I get on the internet, and since I’m smarter than a canine, it didn’t take me long to calculate the number she more or less wants me at, and it is preposterously high – and I’m not just saying that because some would say I have an eating disorder and therefore am a bit distorted when it comes to my body. Like, the number she wants me at is higher than the number I delivered the man-child at. So naturally, upon discovering this, I roared for a good twenty minutes, and promptly decided I need to have a heart to heart with the dietician, let her know that this is never (and doesn’t need to!) happen. If it’s necessary to establish dominance, then so be it. I should go watch the Discovery channel and see how the tigers do it. Establish dominance, I mean. I’ll look into it and keep you updated.

And, lastly, you’ll only find this funny if you are familiar with The Lord of the Rings. Marissa, I cannot wait for the moment you read this! So, Rivendell. That is the village where Frodo and Sam and the other hobbits live, right? Well, nothing makes for a better word to say when belching. It’s my new favorite hobby. Rivvvveeennnnddddeeeelllll! It’s so satisfying. I’m thinking I’m going to try to get Brandon video recording me while doing it, then posting it for your (shameless, I hope) enjoyment.

Have a good day, all! Brandon and Cade came and picked me up during my lunch break, and we went and bought the necessary tools to dress Mrs. Peterson’s wounds to nurse her back to health. Brandon has promised me her speedy recovery by 5 pm sharp, when I am off work, so that we can all go on a lovely ride together.

19 comments:

brydelle said...

That's so awesome! I am in the library right now, trying to study, but this made me laugh, like, hysterically. The picture! The weight gain!! THE RIIIIVVEEEENDEEEEELLLL!!! Btw, Rivendell is where the Elves are. Frodo and Sam are from the Shire.

Abby said...

Brie, thanks for making me smile. Maybe I shouldn't be laughing at this, but the idea of establishing dominance over a dietitian has me cracking up! As I'm sure you are well aware, dietitians are very fierce creatures who would rather fight to the death than be dominated by an anorexic. Or by an anorexic tiger.

The only solution to this problem that I can think of is to leave behind the whole eating disorder thing (yeah, you pretty much have to gain weight to make this work) but to keep in touch with the dietitian via email--that way you can keep reminding her that she has no control over you anymore, hah! Oh, and it also helps if one of you moves to California and the other to Florida. It works for me and Nancy--even when I email her things she doesn't want to hear, she doesn't actually have the wherewithal to drive across the country so she can beat me up. Yeah!

KC Elaine said...

my jaw pretty much metaphorically dropped too when my dietitian gave me a post-cfc goal weight - I think it's important for you to talk to her and figure out her reasoning. mine actually had very good reasons! and then establish dominance, of course.

Shannon said...

Love the new belching word of choice. I am woefully completely non talented at burping. I only occasionally, accidentally do it and even then its like once ever few months. Ian loves to make fun of me for this too. Oh well, I like to think I make up for the missing skill in other ways. :)
PS-His name is pronounced Dav-in, like Gavin but with a D.

aLana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
aLana said...

so i know i probably sounded a bit strung out when i left you that voicemail, but i swear i wasn't- and i'm not! and i got a little caught up in the stubborness thing with melissa today and made a little wager for the next month and am pretty sure i have no intention of sticking to it, but we'll see... anyway, you crack me up! and roxy says she's not a drug lord! a bit spoiled, yes. but drug lord, no! although i guess drug lords don't necessarily have to be doing the drugs their empire is built on.... whatevs. i heart you!

Katherine said...

wow, I don't read your blog for a couple days, and look at all of the drama! first off, good choice on the no anonymity...im sure that person probably had good intentions (no im not the bitchface!) but they went about presenting their ideas in a pretty poor way. personally i LOVE the behind the bars series!
next, down with heather!! i totally support the domination decision...let me know if you need any help! i'd be more than happy to take her down...either with or for you. grrrrr
thirdly, roxy is the cutest damn drug lord ive ever encountered!!
finally, i love you!! and would love to catch up before i leave town at the end of the month

it's me, t said...

just so you know, i think even if your goal in life was to get even the slightest bit overweight, it would be impossible. your body just wouldn't allow it. it knows you too well.

ps you're my favorite gollum!

The Cheese said...

Lana, I'm glad you didn't take offense to Roxy's newfound affinity for drug lordism. ...PS...just saw the pic again for the first time in like hours, and I started roaring all over again!

Oh - one more thing - can you hang out tomorra, or no? No bigs either way, but lemme know!

Stacy said...

what is it with the skinny girls and their crazy ability to majorly belch. funny stuff :-)

it is a little odd that your nutritionist has a number she wants you at. I mean as long as you are eating really well and not restricting or losing isn't that what is important. didn't they teach us about listening to our bodies and having a "set point" or something.
anyway that's just my little bit on the matter. take care do well...

Tanya said...

LOL....the idea of belching any hobbit village name sounds funny all by itself. and Yes the dog looks like he could in all his seven pounds conduct a meeting of drug lords and demand an immense amount of respect.

And perhaps your dietitian needs some comandeering....I mean we have enough problems with them and we need to trust them...its hard to do that when they are trying to scare the crap out of us by telling us to reach numbers that are higher than we could even dream about. So I hope you guys can come to a compromise. I am in hopes that my dietitian and I will once again be able to speak, let alone determine what is healthy for me. Thats another matter. Thank you Brie as always you have a lot of humor in your blog and it makes my day better every time I get to hear from you and see how lovely life really can be. Your family as always is beautiful...you and your man child :) You are very lucky and very blessed...and at the moment I must say I am very jealous of this...but I am also happy for you. You deserve that happiness. And soo much more.

aLana said...

a few things...
uno, roxy is 100% female, just FYI.
dos, YOU made me roar today so thank you, thank you!
and tres, tomorrow i am stuck on campus from 11-3:30 and then was considering going to game night up at my boss's... are you free for a bit in between? just let me know cuz we have some serious catching up to do! :)

aLana said...

i'm personally thinking we should chill over some hire's fries and shakes... thoughts?

jana said...

I can't burp either, oddly enough. But my sister is the burping master. I'm pretty sure she can out-do any dude. It's kinda nasty but it's also a talent.

jana said...

Also, I have to agree with t -- I don't think your body type could ever fall into the overweight category. I doubt if you'd even reach the upper part of your normal weight range even if you were eating a ton.

Good luck talking with your dietician about it all and I hope you two can come up with some sort of compromise. It is your body after all, not hers. How often do you see her?

The Cheese said...

Yeah, Banana and T, you're both probably right - before the onset of my Ed, I was always rather tall and thin - I've got five sisters, and none of us are shorter than 5 10", and we're all more slender. My docs think that the pregnancy combined with so many years of Ed was just too much for my body, and it's like broken down - even when I'm eating spectacularly, I have a hard time gaining. Last year in treatment, they could not, even with how much food they were stuffing in me, get me to get to my minimum weight. They said maybe with time and healing my body would be able to gain more...so it's been a year, and they're hoping maybe it'll be easier to gain, so we'll see - but I sure as hell aren't going where she said, so hopefully she'll listen. And Jana, I see her weekly.

Emily said...

Thankfully, my dietician has a reasonable, normal goal weight for me not based on a BMI scale. Are you really unhappy with yours, or is she okay and just being stubborn on this particular issue? I love mine, her name is Pat, and I hope I don't have to stop seeing her because of her promotion. I find out on the 18th, when I see her next.

Now that I think about it, Roxy does look kind of like a drug lord in that picture. :)

Emily said...

P.S. I can't burp. My sister, Erin, and my dad can, though.

zubeldia said...

Hi Brie,

I'm a bit late, but obviously the Ed screws up our bodies... Our bodies are pretty amazing at keeping our bodies in homeostasis, and after so many years of ed behaviours it's not surprising that it's fighting to stay underweight to such an extent. With all that said, I suspect your N is wanting you to develop a body which is strong and able to withstand disease later in life, not to mention your poor bones... Being underweight is correlated with so many unseemly things. DO take care... it is your body, but I cant help but imagine that people want you in your body for as long as possible :-)

Take care,
Z