Monday, April 21, 2008

Countdown to Suckiness

I'm getting the NG tube tomorrow. A home health service is coming to my house in the morning to put it in. At the doctor this morning, he was trying to admit me to the hospital, but is going to give me a couple weeks with the tube to see if I can gain on an outpatient basis.

I'm already so anxious - my panic is going through the roof. Suck.

I also got a medical leave from work for two weeks so that I can adjust to the tube both physically and emotionally. I feel like such a lazy lard for taking work off, and I don't know why I feel so guilty, but I do - I guess like this isn't considered enough of an "emergency" to warrant a medical leave. My work's being really cool about it, though.

Okay, well, I guess that's it. I'll keep you all updated.

34 comments:

jana bananas said...

That does sound really scary. I'm so comforting, huh? Why did your doctor want to admit you today -- are your vitals/labs normal?

Don't feel bad about taking a leave! You are no lazy lard and it's cool that your company is being flexible.

Geez, I'm actually feeling nervous for you. You'll have to tell us the fun stories. I've had a tube taken out of my throat but I never got to experience the insertion part. Plus I think it was a bigger tube and used to like, suck blood out of my guts or something post-surgery. And then they plugged up my other nostril with something else. Good times. But I digress. I'll be thinking about you!

Savannah said...

good luck hun! don't feel guilty about leaving work. i think it is a good idea to adjust before throwing yourself into work again. i'm really proud of you and i'm right here whenever you want. love you brie.

Devon said...

Remember why you're going through this Brie - remember your loving hubbie, man child, family, friends, future, bundles of cat joy...yourself. This is life.

I love you, I'm here for you, and you're in my thoughts - as always.

heather said...

Brie, I'm so amazingly proud of you for taking such HUGE steps in recovery. I know this is far scarier to you than you're letting on, But the important think to remember is that you're not the first, nor the last to have to have one. You're making such an empowering decision...one not only for yourself, but for Cade and even your marriage. You deserve life, and if it involves having an NG tube for a bit of time to achieve that, than so be it. I remember having to drink something while they put mine in, but it was so long ago I've forgotten a lot of it (mental block, perhaps?). It hurt more having it taken out, though, for me. But it wasn't anything like REAL pain....just some discomfort that lasts only a couple seconds. Oh, Brie...you're doing the right thing. I believe you can do this. Don't you dare chicken out! You're too brave for that. I could learn a two from you.

And by the way, I know you're going through a really rough time now and all my frantic calls on Sunday were just that....frantic and selfish. So, don't worry about calling me back. When you feel up to it....maybe when you're home re-cuperating and getting used to it you can drop me a call or e-mail. I support you and so wish I could be there for you. We could watch movies all week and play with Cade and tell scary psycho stories that only minds like OURS can create! I love ya girl!

heather said...

Sorry, a bit random, but how did you find your blog page layout? Mine is so ordinary and not so fun looking. Was there a specific sight you went to?

Kyla said...

I'm sending love, hugs, and thoughts your way. You're so brave!

it's me, t said...

you're super the best ever. i loved texting with you today. anytime you need to, i'm always here. love you brie.

Kathy with a K said...

Medical leave for a procedure that will save your life is the best reason of all to take leave. You're not going on medical leave to go to a spa. Just as important (if not more) is sorting out and feeling all the feelings that pop up as a result of this process. If the NG tube were going in because of cancer, would you feel guilty about being on leave? Let the tube do the work of keeping your body sustained while you do the work of feeling your feelings and discovering the Brie that exists without an effing ed.

Kathy with a K said...

Get the tube. Take the medical leave. You're not going to a spa. If you were going to a spa, you could definately feel guilty. You're saving your life. Let the tube take care of your body so you can take care of your feelings. Yourself. Brie without an effing ed. There's more to you than you even know. Go for it.

Morgan said...

Brie,
I know that I do not know you but I have had a few NG tubes and as terrified as I was the first time, really the hardest part was swallowing my pride and realizing that I needed to do this. On the plus side after a few days you even forget that they are there because you become so used to the feeling.
Morgan
you should do what I did when I had the tubes, people think you are dying when you go out in public so they give you free things- seriously hit up the mall (even the Coach store)!

Kathy with a K said...

okay, so I thought the first comment didn't go through...so I wrote another. Hence, the two basically-the-same comments.
Sorry bout that!

Now there are three comments...

take care of yourself.

heather said...

Go kick some NG ASS! Goodluck to you and I'll be sending you brave-waves through the atmosphere...so be sure to "tune=in."

Take care of youself,
Heather

Emily said...

I love you Brie. I really, really do. I hope you know that.

And I am sooooo proud of you. You are doing something extremely difficult, are doing it anyways. I am so glad you are getting The Tube. Remember why you are doing this... you deserve a better life!

If you're having trouble today, just send me a text if you want or, even better, call.. I'll be in group from 3:30-5:30, but other than that, I'll be able to talk.

You are amazing!

Abby said...

So yeah, I was all excited because the internet was up again at home last night... I read your blog, of course, but then the internet conveniently stopped working again between when I started writing you a comment and when I clicked the comment-publishing button. So, for the record, I am thinking of you... I would like to believe that I had some valid point to make last night and have now simply forgotten it, but I think it's more likely that I was rambling then as much as I am now. However, I think my main ideas were...

1. I really hope you enjoy your time off from work--you certainly have a valid reason for needing a break.

2. You're brave. And you have other enviable qualities. People say (although not in so many words)that being willing to endure short-term agony in the interest of long-term happiness is mature or virtuous or something like that, and I'd have to agree.

Love you.

jana bananas said...

I'm going ccccraaaaazy waiting for your update! I hope everything went smoothly.

kristin said...

I should really check the blog before leaving a message asking to play, huh? Oh, and you should feel fine about taking time off. If you feel better ( or even if you don't and still want company) I will so come visit. Emily

Stacy said...

i'm with kyla... lotsa hugs.

dan and emily said...

P.s. this computor won't let me change identities, not sure why. It's Emily , not my boss kristin.

Paige said...

I'm so proud of you, Brie. I hope things went well yesterday!

Tanya said...

I am proud of you Brie. I know it sucks. I had the NJ tube put in back at the end of Feb. I am sorry you have to go through it too. If there is anything I can do...or just be an ear to listen if you need it. I know its hard but it takes a lot of courage to do what you need to do to get your life back. Hugs. You can do whatever it takes. And know this...it takes a little while to get accustomed to the tube and I think the two weeks are very much needed. Like I said...if you need support...I know you have a lot already, but I am here if you need that extra one.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I can't understand why you'd do such a thing. You're lucky enough to be so beautifully thin ... how can you give that up? At least you should give some pro-ana tips to those of us still fat and ugly.

KC Elaine said...

Anonymous I can't believe you'd say that. Here Brie is working her ass off for recovery, a very difficult thing to do, yet you're wishing death on her? Wish it for yourself, but not on other people! You're definitely not making this any easier on her.

Whit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whit said...

I second what Kyla said Anonymous. Your comment was absolute bull shit. Recovery isn't easy for any of us...If you need a place to be negative and to get pro-ana tips find somewhere else.

Brie is busting her ass right now and it's not fair to say anything that could possibly bring her down. I really hope that you can reach out and find help but don't bring your negativity around here anymore. It's not fair to Brie or the many people that read her blog that struggle with eating disorders.

Grow up!

The Cheese said...

Anonymous...honestly, I'm speechless. I *suppose* I appreciate your honesty, but truthfully, it's a difficult thing to hear when I'm in such an emotional/anxious state right now. I am not pro-ana, nor will I ever be. I don't simply believe that anorexia is a choice and a lifestyle, I believe that it's a disease and will KILL YOU. I don't support anything unhealthy on myself or on anyone else, for that matter. So I will gain weight, and I will offer no pro-ana tips, not now, not ever.

Penny said...

2--4--6--8!!!Who do we appreciate??

Brie--Brie---Brie
Way to go and keep going!
Love,
Mom and Dad

it's me, t said...

dear anonymous,

you're a crappy friend and person for writing such a thing. you give people like us with real psychological issues a horrible stereotype. it's sad enough that you have to hide behind anonymity or whatever the hell you call it, but that's just pathetic that you'd write something like that and discourage some one that has the balls to do something good for herself and her family. you piss me off. go to some pro-ana site and try to find some of your tips if you really feel that insecure about yourself, but please, don't come back to make out lives more stressful. and if you are a friend of any of ours, shame on you! fucker.

tracy

it's me, t said...

ps, sorry brie for using the fuck word on your blog. :D loves you.

The Cheese said...

Ky and Whit, when you wrote that I was "working my ass off" to recover, it made me laugh, cuz I was thinking that I'm not working my ass off, it's more like I'm working my ass ON. :)

And Trace Face, it's okay you used the F word. It was for a good cause, after all. :) I miss you. When will you be in UT?

Emily said...

Dear Anonymous,
You suck beyond all belief. How could you say such a thing to somebody trying so hard to recover? That was just... awful.
:(

aLana said...

what a retard. who would say that? didn't you change your blog to no annonymous comments brie? i think you should change it back to that... anyway, i hope this person who obviously have no clue about what really goes on with EDs has some common sense beaten into her before she ruins her life. at the same time though, i kind of hope she gets sucked into in and dies a long and painful death for so actively soliciting anorexia. brie, you're fabulous and i love you!

The Cheese said...

Alana, I changed it back from only registered users, because my mom and several of my family members couldn't comment. But who knows? Maybe getting an asinine anonymous comment every once in awhile keeps things interesting? ;)

Really though, when I read that comment, my jaw DROPPED. I was speechless, to say the least!!!

zubeldia said...

Wow, Brie, I'm just catching up with your blog. You're so brave to be doing this.. It's life saving, hon, it really is. You're really brave.

Anonymous is a fucking idiot.

Love Z