January is almost over and I am mega thrilled to announce that it was much better than December. December can suck it and die, as far as I'm concerned. (Withstanding Christmas, cuz I did have a lovely holiday with my fam, of course!)
A couple things on my mind:
I wish I could take pain away from people I care about. I just read a blog post from a fellow eating disorder recovery blogger, and it broke my heart. I wish I could have reached my long 'ol arms through the computer and hugged her - YES, HUGGED HER - and I'm not even a hugger! And don't even get me started on the pain that those really close to me suffer from. Sometimes all the pain in my world; my own pain and the pain of those I love, just leaves me feeling staggered from the enormity of it all. Why do so many hurt so much? Why does happiness seem to be more elusive and fleeting than we'd like it to be? I'm learning, that even in recovery from an eating disorder, there is still plenty of pain. In fact, there's probably more of it, because I'm not starving away the pain anymore - I'm feeling every last damn ounce of it. And yes, the rewards are greater - I am passing on a healthy example to my daughter, and I laugh more and am more genuine about it. I have time to pursue my hobbies and my likes, when not in the throes of a serious eating disorder. I have more friends, and I have more time and more of a desire to be social. All of these are worth the pain. The pain that you feel when there is no eating disorder to numb it away. And thankfully I have Brandon and my therapist to help me deal with that. So I'm workin on it. I'm getting there.
Last night sucked. I didn't sleep well at all, and when I finally drifted off into a fitful sleep, Mila woke at 6 am, ready to be fed and face the day. And I'm like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WAKE FOR THE DAY AT 6 AM? SLOWLY KILL ME NOW. Sigh. So it was rough. I have one of those sleep deprivation headaches and I'm a tad grouchy. Now that I'm off all my benzos and ambien, sleep is definitely trickier. Melatonin surprisingly helps me fall asleep quite fast, but it doesn't do a great job at lasting through the night. I wake up by 2 or 3 wide awake. Blarggggggg.
I had a great therapy session today. Normally I don't talk much about therapy on my blog, except in a general sort of way, you know, really vague, and that's more or less how I like and need it to be, but I'll just say that my therapist is so freaking awesome. I talked to her today about something really embarrassing, and she didn't shy away and flinch and screech "YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED YOU'RE GROSS YOU'RE GROSS EEEW EEEWY EEWMCSTEIN!!!!!" She didn't say that at all, just helped me through it and challenged my anxiety about it all by remaining completely stoic and calm, which is absolutey what I needed. She just earned another point in my book. :)
Cade has to give a report on Abraham Lincoln at school on Friday, which roughly translates into the fact that *I* have to give a report on Abraham Lincoln on Friday to a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds who couldn't care less. I am prepared to come wielding treats, as bribing them into being interested is OBVIOUSLY the best route here. This is why I am not an elementary school teacher. All my students would have cavities and be spoiled rotten because I'd shove a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in their mouth to get them to shut up and read "Kit jumped over the mat with her cat," and then I'd have passive agressive anger toward them if they said something brutally honest to me like "Mrs. Breivik, your bum is kind of big." That last part may have only come up because my own 5 year old son may or may not have just said that to me. All while I am nakers in my bathrobe. He knows how to build me up!
Okay, I better go. Cade has a soccer game soon and I am, well you know, nakers in my bathrobe, so I have to do all this super annoying stuff like getting dressed and ready for the day (don't worry it's only 4:30) etc. Have a great Monday all, I know I will with The Bachelor airing tonight. Go Kacie B!!! :)
Also, I have a confession: Mila fell off the bed this morning while on my watch. I almost cried because I felt so bad. Does this make me a bad mama?