I've always, for basically as long as I can remember, had anxiety. And in fact, even before I can remember, my mom tells me stories about how anxious I was. For example, every Tuesday when the garbage man came, I would hide under her bed because I was afraid of the loud noise of the truck, but also that he was going to kidnap me. What 3 year old worries about being kidnapped?? Seriously? My twin, Brett, would race to the window to watch the truck tip the can full of garbage, while I sobbed under the bed. Or, on the 4th of July, while all of my siblings were enjoying watching the fireworks, I was hiding underneath a blanket crying because the loud pops they made terrified me.
So, dealing with anxiety...yeah, it sucks, but I'm used to it. But the level of anxiety I've been experiencing over the past few weeks feels above and beyond even what I normally experience. WHY must I incessantly worry about a future where, in many circumstances, I have absolutely no control over? I can't get the thoughts to leave my brain...they just race and race and race and I feel so exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
The physiological response to this anxiety is driving me nuts. I have elevated blood pressure, and my heart rate is chillin in the 130's. This may be TMI, but I have terrible diarrhea. I'm shaking and fidgety and restless and I don't feel I can focus.
Obviously, my anxiety is a little outta control. Obviously something needs to change, maybe I need a change in meds. I'm just so TIRED of med tweaks...I'm tired of nothing helping. Or, I'm tired of being drugged senseless by too many drugs - I can't even afford to do that now anyway, because I have 2 kids that depend on me everyday, and I can't sleep through the day - it's not like they'd let me, anyway. So I don't know what to do.
I talked a bit about this in therapy today, and I'm going to try some of the basic stuff, to see if that helps. Relaxation tapes, talking about it more in therapy and to My People, deep breathing, stuff like that. I used to scoff at such ideas; I used to think that the only way my anxiety was going to be controlled was if I popped a Xanax or two, but that thought process is most definitely changing. Sometimes the little things make all the difference, and I'm hoping it can help manage some of this anxiety.
One thing that is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety is group. Specifically, I still can't decide if I should quit or not. The three people whose opinion I care about most - Brandon, my mom, and my T - they all think I should give group another shot, and then 90% of you that commented said the same thing...so I'm inclined to trust all of you, and give it another shot, but the anxiety fall-out from all this is wicked bad. I will admit that a part of me does want to give it another shot, yes, but a bigger part wants to run away - onlyonlyonly - that's EXACTLY what I'd be doing - running away. And I worry that if I run away from group just like I've run away from so many other things in my life, that I'll grow to regret my decision and be angry with myself. So I'm desperately trying to change these old behavior patterns, but it's so so so hard.
So that's where I'm at. Anxious. Obviously. But making it okay?