Monday, January 23, 2012

It Ends with Me

We've all read the research saying that eating disorders can be genetic.  I'm not going to talk about the specifics of the research, because frankly, I just don't care, and also because if you haven't yet read any of it, I'm assuming you're smart enough to go to Google and search for it yourself.  I haven't the patience for any links today guys, sorry.

Eating disorders run rampant in my family.  Call it genetics, call it bad luck, call it a curse, call it whatever.  But there's no denying that fact.  Generations of eating disorders.  Wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins.  So many of us affected.

And I'm so damn tired of it.

It ends with me.  I refuse.  I literally refuse to pass my eating disorder onto my daughter.  I won't have it.

Mila, this is me, promising today, that I will do whatever I can, with all the power I have, to keep the madness away from you.  I realize this means starting with myself, and making sure I stay recovered so that I never pass mixed messages to you or lead by [bad] example.  I promise, baby girl, that I won't hand you an eating disorder on a silver platter.  I promise that I will live and laugh and eat and thrive so that you can, too.  I promise that so much of your life will not be wasted, as mine was.  I promise to love myself so that you can love yourself.  I promise.  I promise.  I promise.

The madness stops here.  Today.  It ends with me.

I seem angry.  And I am. 

But a few things have happened today that have just made me so MAD.  People treat eating disorders like they're some stupid game.  As if losing a few pounds or starving is going to make everything better.  I stumbled (quite accidentally) upon a pro-ana blog today, and I literally felt sick to my stomach.  THIS ISN'T A GAME.  This isn't something that should be treated lightly, or glamorized or bragged about.  On this pro-ana blog, this girl was posting "thinspiration" pics and telling all of her readers to stay strong with their starvation.  Talking about how she wants to be thin "or die trying." 

It made me angry.  It made me angry that her readers were supporting her...not to get better, but to get sicker.  That they were supporting this twisted thinking with supportive comments to stay strong and thin and that dying was preferable to being fat.  Really?  Holy shit. 

Eating disorders are not a game, people.  They're a disease.  They're an addiction.  I almost died from one.  I know many who have.  I'm just disgusted.  I'm floored.  I'm sad.  Things shouldn't have to be this way.  I fear for the world my daughter is all too soon going to enter.  I really and truly am afraid.  I'm going to do everything I can to make this different for her.  To change my world, and hers, too.


Tylaine said...

Brie this post nearly made me cry. How beautiful for your daughter. You are so courageous and brave. I admire you so much. Go Brie!!
And Miss Mila is like an unordinarily beautifuly gorgeous baby! Keep the pictures comin!

Traci said...

I don't have an eating disorder disorder but I think this is such a good post for mothers of daughters of a disorder of not, it's about having self esteem. I have to constantly remind myself not to say I'm fat or flabby or anything negative about my body in front of my daughter. I know she's only 1 and doesn't understand but I try to say I'm strong or I look good even if I don't believe it I want her to think that way of herself. Self esteem is everything and it's sooooo important to live by example. Love it, great post!

bri said...

Love this so much! I know you will stay strong in recovery cause you're a fighter and an inspiration to us all. Mila and Cade are so lucky to have u as their mama! Xoxo

Katie said...

Yep that was one of the most motivating things for me in recovering. I didn't want to pass it on to my kids. I won't!

Cammy said...

Pro-ana sites absolutely make me sick, and they always have. Even at my worst with the ED, I could never fathom why someone would want to encourage other people to enter the same hell. Can't wrap my brain around it.

You are a fantastic mother, Brie. Mila is so incredibly lucky to have you.

Cammy said...

By the way, one thing I always appreciated about my mom was that she would go out of her way to compliment me for things that I *did*, or even just tried to do. She would say nice things about my appearance, of course, but she really emphasized how important it is to make yourself into a do-er instead of just something pretty to look at, even if sometimes the media seems to send the contrary message. I am grateful for that every single day.

Mad Bird said...

I love this. I am so afraid to have children for the very reason you laid out. But I have seen my friend be recovered 12 years and she has 3 children (2 girls) and I think she is successfully stopping the generational thing with her, too. So you can do it. It is soooooo possible!

Oh, and pro-ana? Makes me sick deep in my gut, too. Something so wrong about it. AND boring!

Fight 4 Ur Lyfe said...

I stand with you!

Penny said...

I love the phrases in the movie "Help" where the nanny teaches her little girl that she is "Important" and "Kind" and "Smart". Oh how I wish that we could all believe that about ourselves. I am grateful to you for your courageous example to me and now and always.......Loves

Sairs said...

I think this post is awesome. I have been recovered now for about six to eight months and at my heavier weight I am so much happier. I even threw out all my skinny clothes and only have my bigger sizes now. I think it's awesome the promise you made because I know how hard you have fought as I have read your blog for a while. Keep fighting the good fight and I know you can stay recovered. Good for you :)

Erin said...

This post is very powerful.

It does have to end with you. You can't 100% prevent an ED for Cade or Mila, because it is partly genetic, but of course you can be a great role model. And I'm sure you'll educate them early on and you'll be on top of it. You're going to be awesome.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I hear ya, lady! I hear ya! I wholeheartedly agree with what you've said re: eating disorders not being a damn game...and I applaud you for promising to keep diving headfirst into recovery so your daughter has an amazing chance at life and happiness. :)

Sia Jane said...

Just perfectly articulated <3