Friday, January 27, 2012

Doing What I Need to do - Despite the Anger

Heya friendcicles,

What's up?  I figured I owe you an update, as I haven't posted much this week, aside from my I'mpissedateatingdisorders rant.  I mean that's important and all, and I'm certainly glad I said it, but can I just say that I'm quite exhausted?  Anger is a tough emotion to fight with, because it tires you out.  I'm not a fan of being angry, (just ask my therapist who relishes in trying to push my buttons!) mostly because it is uncomfortable and even if I have justifiable feelings of anger at another person, or situation or circumstance, etc, I almost always turn the anger onto myself, and suddenly the anger has mutated into why Brie Sucks and Why She Deserves Bad Things.  Duh, I have an eating disorder, we are the queens of Blame City.  We're pro at being angry at ourselves, which only spurs the self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.

So...to be feeling all that this week, but not act out on that anger by restricting or [insert other self-destructive behavior], it's been...interesting.  Good, of course, that I'm allowing myself to sit with the anger and let it pass, rather than try to numb it away by doing some stupid crap, but it's also been really hard and at times I have felt really anxious and really lousy.  Right now I am feeling neither anxious nor lousy, which is good, but I'm feeling really tired and worn out.  I'm so glad it's Friday, because I get a weekend to be with my family and rest and try to recuperate from some of these intense emotions I've been feeling this week.  I feel utterly spent.  Even sitting up and trying to type this...my head hurts and I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I just want to curl up with my heated blanket and kitties and have a good, long, delicious nap.  Ah, a stay-at-home mama can dream, can't she?

Anyway, I will toot my own horn a bit and say that for me to have 8 weeks of perfect compliance with my treatment goals and meal plan is amazing for me.  Amazing isn't even the right word - maybe miraculous?  Never thought possible, perhaps?  And before, when I wasn't 100% compliant, it wasn't like a blatant F-you to my treatment team or anything, it was more me being complacent and justifying to myself that doing eating disorder behavior x wasn't a big deal, and that it was fine, etc, but I'm finally realizing that ANY eating disorder behavior - no matter how small or trite - is still just that - AN EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR, and that right there is self-destructive and harmful, and it needs to stop.  So yeah, things have been hard, and I still maintain that the month of December was maybe the hardest time I've had in a long time, but I was able to get through all that without engaging in my anorexia, and that has helped give me confidence that I can do this - that I can actually maneuver through the complexities and stresses of life without using my eating disorder as a crutch.  And trust me on this - if I can do it, if the lifer who was forever doomed to have an ED can do it, then you can too.  I swear!

Okay, time for me to go, I need to rest.  Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today.  I'm going to be posting about Mila turning 6 months soon, so you'll get a plethora of pics then.  For now, you just get my ramblings.  Have a great weekend, everybody!

3 comments:

Liz said...

Congrats on being compliant and not turning to self-destructive behavior. You're awesome and deserve good things!

Katie said...

You are an inspiration!

Sia Jane said...

I am a firm believer that we can spend a long long time in recovery and that there does come a point, when we let the last bit go...
You have said a behaviour, no matter how small, is that, an ED behaviour.
The day I realised I had FULLY recovered from the Anorexia, was when I realised I had not only allowed myself to recover, but that I had allowed myself to fully let go.
I cannot begin to articulate how being fully recovered has impacted my life.
You are realising all of this, and you are getting closer every day <3