Monday, January 2, 2012

A Hard Day to be a Mother

There are some days where being a mother is hard.  Really hard.  Today is one of those days.  Cade has hardly stopped crying all afternoon.  He is whiny and upset and neither me nor Brandon seem to know what to do to help him.  I sat and tried to do his homework with him, and all he did was cry and say he couldn't do it.  It's been very frustrating.  We just tried to have FHE and Cade wouldn't look at us or pray with us or sing the opening song.  He wouldn't listen to the lesson, instead hid under a blanket.

I put my head in my hands and cried.  I'm still crying, even now.

Because my little boy is scared and insecure and terribly obstinate to authority.  Because he doesn't seem to be okay and I don't know what to do.  Because I'm terrified that I've made him insecure because I am, too.  Because he's so sweet and beautiful and charming, yet he doesn't let anyone see it - instead he's angry and intense and bitter toward people.

What did I do wrong?  How do I fix it?  I wonder if Cade will read this blog post 15, 20 years from now.  I wonder if he'll blame me for the little flaws he struggles with.  I hope, instead, that if he ever reads this, he'll instead know that I love him and wish I knew how to help him.  I hope he'll know that I tried.  I don't know what else to do.

It's been a hard day.

5 comments:

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Have you ever tried putting him in a therapy ***group** for kids? I know of a few- which focus on increasing children's social skills and increasing positive interactions with one another, and can be highly theraputic.

Also- does he have plenty of structure at home (aka, outside of school)? I have a lot of kiddos that I work with who get out of control when there is a decrease in structure, as structure helps many kids (and adults) feel more secure in their world and what's going on around them.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you (and Brandon).

P.S. Didn't you state that he was seeing a therapist? Does the therapist have any suggestions on what to do to intervene? A diagnoses to help you to better understand what's going on with Cade and / or decide what theraputic approach would be best for him?

Sorry...lots of questions... But lets be honest- I spend most of my time working with kids under the age of 8... and my head is always full of questions when a child's behavior and emotions become stressful to cope with.

Hang in there... And good for you for even attempting to do FHE with everything that was going on with Cade.

XOXO,

April said...

Being a mother is so so hard sometimes. I feel that way and I only have a 2 year old--All you can do is your best! And it sounds like you are doing just that :) No one is better designed to be Cade's mom... Just hang in there, and pray. A lot. Cheesy, I know, but pray, take some time to yourself, and sleep on it.

bri said...

I love u so much Brie and this entry broke my heart! Don't be so hard on yourself u are an AMAZING mama! You give that kid so much love and that's the most important thing!! I love u and am always here!!

annamaria said...

oh dear, this was like reading a letter from my own mother..it almost brought me into tears.
I'm so sorry you feel that way, I wish I could help you in every way but really he knows that you love him. and loves you too, but sometimes being that way is just normal for him (and me).
try introducing him to sports and fun activities and keep him entertained so that these bad feelings go away for most of the time.
please make yourself feel better. you are the strongest and prettiest (online) mom I know!

xxx,
annamaria

po said...

Wow, it kind of reminds me of me when I was small, little kids can be so hard on themselves too and if I thought I couldn't do something or would screw up I would feel like a failure, like something was wrong with me, so sometimes I wouldn't want to try. I hope he can come to see that screwing up is not so bad, trying is much more impressive. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job and already he is going through that lifelong self-understanding process.