There are some days where being a mother is hard. Really hard. Today is one of those days. Cade has hardly stopped crying all afternoon. He is whiny and upset and neither me nor Brandon seem to know what to do to help him. I sat and tried to do his homework with him, and all he did was cry and say he couldn't do it. It's been very frustrating. We just tried to have FHE and Cade wouldn't look at us or pray with us or sing the opening song. He wouldn't listen to the lesson, instead hid under a blanket.
I put my head in my hands and cried. I'm still crying, even now.
Because my little boy is scared and insecure and terribly obstinate to authority. Because he doesn't seem to be okay and I don't know what to do. Because I'm terrified that I've made him insecure because I am, too. Because he's so sweet and beautiful and charming, yet he doesn't let anyone see it - instead he's angry and intense and bitter toward people.
What did I do wrong? How do I fix it? I wonder if Cade will read this blog post 15, 20 years from now. I wonder if he'll blame me for the little flaws he struggles with. I hope, instead, that if he ever reads this, he'll instead know that I love him and wish I knew how to help him. I hope he'll know that I tried. I don't know what else to do.
It's been a hard day.