One of Those Days

This'll be short today, friends.
Not having a very good day.
It's one of THOSE days.
Had myself a good long cry this morning.
And this afternoon.
Thankfully my mom is coming to my rescue and is going to watch the kiddos for me.
So I can have a long nap with my kitties and heating blanket
and ear plugs, of course.
Woke up to a crappy email in my inbox.
Tried to reach out to someone who shafted me.
Worried about someone I love.  Well worried about someoneS I love.  So many hurting.
Still figuring out how to manage this terrible anxiety without benzos.
Still want benzos, and wish I didn't.
I'm so tired.
Sometimes I don't know how to be "not okay" gracefully.
I seem to make a mess of it.
Today is just one of those days.
I'll get over it.
I'll be okay.
But I think, right now, I just need to be not okay.
Even if I'm not very graceful about it.
Even if I make a mess of it.
Even if I seem to disappoint people, which I seem to be doing so much these days.
Even, even, even.

Monday Meanderings

January is almost over and I am mega thrilled to announce that it was much better than December.  December can suck it and die, as far as I'm concerned.  (Withstanding Christmas, cuz I did have a lovely holiday with my fam, of course!)

Anyway.

A couple things on my mind:
I wish I could take pain away from people I care about.  I just read a blog post from a fellow eating disorder recovery blogger, and it broke my heart.  I wish I could have reached my long 'ol arms through the computer and hugged her - YES, HUGGED HER - and I'm not even a hugger!  And don't even get me started on the pain that those really close to me suffer from.  Sometimes all the pain in my world; my own pain and the pain of those I love, just leaves me feeling staggered from the enormity of it all.  Why do so many hurt so much?  Why does happiness seem to be more elusive and fleeting than we'd like it to be?  I'm learning, that even in recovery from an eating disorder, there is still plenty of pain.  In fact, there's probably more of it, because I'm not starving away the pain anymore - I'm feeling every last damn ounce of it.  And yes, the rewards are greater - I am passing on a healthy example to my daughter, and I laugh more and am more genuine about it.  I have time to pursue my hobbies and my likes, when not in the throes of a serious eating disorder.  I have more friends, and I have more time and more of a desire to be social.  All of these are worth the pain.  The pain that you feel when there is no eating disorder to numb it away.  And thankfully I have Brandon and my therapist to help me deal with that.  So I'm workin on it.  I'm getting there.

Last night sucked.  I didn't sleep well at all, and when I finally drifted off into a fitful sleep, Mila woke at 6 am, ready to be fed and face the day.  And I'm like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  WAKE FOR THE DAY AT 6 AM?  SLOWLY KILL ME NOW.  Sigh.  So it was rough.  I have one of those sleep deprivation headaches and I'm a tad grouchy.  Now that I'm off all my benzos and ambien, sleep is definitely trickier.  Melatonin surprisingly helps me fall asleep quite fast, but it doesn't do a great job at lasting through the night.  I wake up by 2 or 3 wide awake.  Blarggggggg.

I had a great therapy session today.  Normally I don't talk much about therapy on my blog, except in a general sort of way, you know, really vague, and that's more or less how I like and need it to be, but I'll just say that my therapist is so freaking awesome.  I talked to her today about something really embarrassing, and she didn't shy away and flinch and screech "YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED YOU'RE GROSS YOU'RE GROSS EEEW EEEWY EEWMCSTEIN!!!!!"  She didn't say that at all, just helped me through it and challenged my anxiety about it all by remaining completely stoic and calm, which is absolutey what I needed.  She just earned another point in my book.  :)

Cade has to give a report on Abraham Lincoln at school on Friday, which roughly translates into the fact that *I* have to give a report on Abraham Lincoln on Friday to a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds who couldn't care less.  I am prepared to come wielding treats, as bribing them into being interested is OBVIOUSLY the best route here.  This is why I am not an elementary school teacher.  All my students would have cavities and be spoiled rotten because I'd shove a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in their mouth to get them to shut up and read "Kit jumped over the mat with her cat," and then I'd have passive agressive anger toward them if they said something brutally honest to me like "Mrs. Breivik, your bum is kind of big."  That last part may have only come up because my own 5 year old son may or may not have just said that to me.  All while I am nakers in my bathrobe.  He knows how to build me up!

Okay, I better go.  Cade has a soccer game soon and I am, well you know, nakers in my bathrobe, so I have to do all this super annoying stuff like getting dressed and ready for the day (don't worry it's only 4:30) etc.  Have a great Monday all, I know I will with The Bachelor airing tonight.  Go Kacie B!!!  :)

Also, I have a confession:  Mila fell off the bed this morning while on my watch.  I almost cried because I felt so bad.  Does this make me a bad mama?

Doing What I Need to do - Despite the Anger

Heya friendcicles,

What's up?  I figured I owe you an update, as I haven't posted much this week, aside from my I'mpissedateatingdisorders rant.  I mean that's important and all, and I'm certainly glad I said it, but can I just say that I'm quite exhausted?  Anger is a tough emotion to fight with, because it tires you out.  I'm not a fan of being angry, (just ask my therapist who relishes in trying to push my buttons!) mostly because it is uncomfortable and even if I have justifiable feelings of anger at another person, or situation or circumstance, etc, I almost always turn the anger onto myself, and suddenly the anger has mutated into why Brie Sucks and Why She Deserves Bad Things.  Duh, I have an eating disorder, we are the queens of Blame City.  We're pro at being angry at ourselves, which only spurs the self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.

So...to be feeling all that this week, but not act out on that anger by restricting or [insert other self-destructive behavior], it's been...interesting.  Good, of course, that I'm allowing myself to sit with the anger and let it pass, rather than try to numb it away by doing some stupid crap, but it's also been really hard and at times I have felt really anxious and really lousy.  Right now I am feeling neither anxious nor lousy, which is good, but I'm feeling really tired and worn out.  I'm so glad it's Friday, because I get a weekend to be with my family and rest and try to recuperate from some of these intense emotions I've been feeling this week.  I feel utterly spent.  Even sitting up and trying to type this...my head hurts and I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I just want to curl up with my heated blanket and kitties and have a good, long, delicious nap.  Ah, a stay-at-home mama can dream, can't she?

Anyway, I will toot my own horn a bit and say that for me to have 8 weeks of perfect compliance with my treatment goals and meal plan is amazing for me.  Amazing isn't even the right word - maybe miraculous?  Never thought possible, perhaps?  And before, when I wasn't 100% compliant, it wasn't like a blatant F-you to my treatment team or anything, it was more me being complacent and justifying to myself that doing eating disorder behavior x wasn't a big deal, and that it was fine, etc, but I'm finally realizing that ANY eating disorder behavior - no matter how small or trite - is still just that - AN EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR, and that right there is self-destructive and harmful, and it needs to stop.  So yeah, things have been hard, and I still maintain that the month of December was maybe the hardest time I've had in a long time, but I was able to get through all that without engaging in my anorexia, and that has helped give me confidence that I can do this - that I can actually maneuver through the complexities and stresses of life without using my eating disorder as a crutch.  And trust me on this - if I can do it, if the lifer who was forever doomed to have an ED can do it, then you can too.  I swear!

Okay, time for me to go, I need to rest.  Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today.  I'm going to be posting about Mila turning 6 months soon, so you'll get a plethora of pics then.  For now, you just get my ramblings.  Have a great weekend, everybody!

Cade Starts Indoor Soccer

Thanks to all for your supportive comments from my last couple of posts.  It's kind of cool for me to see my progression from posting about complaining about weight gain and the feeding tube, etc, to posting more meaty recovery-oriented posts.  Cuz this is the stuff that really matters, you know?

Not much has been going on in my world this week.  On Monday Cade started his indoor soccer league, so it was fun to go watch him play.  My son is not the star of the team, but that's not why we signed him up - we did it so that he could get some self-confidence and have fun and interact with some kids his age.  Anyway, it was really fun to see him progress from his first ever soccer game last fall.  In that game, he wouldn't even play - said he was too scared, and eventually, when he did start to play, he wouldn't ever touch the ball.  This time around, he did great.  He still shies away from the ball, and isn't very anxious to get in the thick of things and score a goal or anything, but he kicked the ball 9 times (yes we counted!) and he smiled and laughed a lot, and really, that's all I care about.  It really is.

We've already signed him up for spring soccer, and pretty soon here we're going to sign him up for karate.  He said he wants to learn "moves like a ninja," and how can I deny him that?  Really, I'm just thrilled that he is coming out of his shell a little bit and is actually wanting to try some new things.  Makes my little mama heart happy.

Mila is doing well too, but I'm not going to post much about her, because I'll be posting her 6 month update in a couple of days, so I'll save it all til then.  But she still pretty much rocks my world.  As I speak she is conked out on the sofa and half-snoring like my cat.  I love that girl!

I'm off to dietary in a few.  Not even worried about it because I did absolutely everything that was asked.  This whole compliance thing; what a novel idea!  I actually eat and do what was asked of me!  WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT THAT'S HOW YOU RECOVER????  Heh.

Okay, I'm out.  This was boring, I apologize.  Just wanted to brag about my boy for a bit.  I'm proud of him.

It Ends with Me

We've all read the research saying that eating disorders can be genetic.  I'm not going to talk about the specifics of the research, because frankly, I just don't care, and also because if you haven't yet read any of it, I'm assuming you're smart enough to go to Google and search for it yourself.  I haven't the patience for any links today guys, sorry.

Eating disorders run rampant in my family.  Call it genetics, call it bad luck, call it a curse, call it whatever.  But there's no denying that fact.  Generations of eating disorders.  Wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, cousins.  So many of us affected.

And I'm so damn tired of it.

It ends with me.  I refuse.  I literally refuse to pass my eating disorder onto my daughter.  I won't have it.

Mila, this is me, promising today, that I will do whatever I can, with all the power I have, to keep the madness away from you.  I realize this means starting with myself, and making sure I stay recovered so that I never pass mixed messages to you or lead by [bad] example.  I promise, baby girl, that I won't hand you an eating disorder on a silver platter.  I promise that I will live and laugh and eat and thrive so that you can, too.  I promise that so much of your life will not be wasted, as mine was.  I promise to love myself so that you can love yourself.  I promise.  I promise.  I promise.

The madness stops here.  Today.  It ends with me.

------------
I seem angry.  And I am. 

But a few things have happened today that have just made me so MAD.  People treat eating disorders like they're some stupid game.  As if losing a few pounds or starving is going to make everything better.  I stumbled (quite accidentally) upon a pro-ana blog today, and I literally felt sick to my stomach.  THIS ISN'T A GAME.  This isn't something that should be treated lightly, or glamorized or bragged about.  On this pro-ana blog, this girl was posting "thinspiration" pics and telling all of her readers to stay strong with their starvation.  Talking about how she wants to be thin "or die trying." 

It made me angry.  It made me angry that her readers were supporting her...not to get better, but to get sicker.  That they were supporting this twisted thinking with supportive comments to stay strong and thin and that dying was preferable to being fat.  Really?  Holy shit. 

Eating disorders are not a game, people.  They're a disease.  They're an addiction.  I almost died from one.  I know many who have.  I'm just disgusted.  I'm floored.  I'm sad.  Things shouldn't have to be this way.  I fear for the world my daughter is all too soon going to enter.  I really and truly am afraid.  I'm going to do everything I can to make this different for her.  To change my world, and hers, too.

A Couple of Funnies

Hope you all have/are having a fabulous weekend.  Babe and I are going to go see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; we haven't seen a movie together since seeing that nasty sex scene that went on fooorrrreeeevvvveerrrrrr between Bella and Edward in Breaking Dawn.  Sad us married folk don't get to go out on dates all that often.  We be muchos excited!

I came across this ecard on Pinterest last night and had myself quite the cackle.  I'll admit, dear readers, that I put my kiddo in Crocs, but only because they go on super easy and because they can get dirty, etc, but if you are an adult and wear Crocs, you are giving me the liberty of mercilessly making fun of you.  And that's why I was so tickled when I saw this:

Also, this cartoon had me a roarin' too.  If you have kids, you'll especially relate.  My favorite was "H is for Hell." (Click to enlarge and read the captions.)

Okay, I'm out.  Brandon and I just spent $350 on food at Costco and the grocery store, and I need to go recover from the cost before I have a heart attack.  Yes, I buy food now, and yes, I eat, but throwin' down that much money for food still blows my mind.  Buying food forever!  Being stingy and starving never!

PS - And can I just say that I'm stressed that Costco has stopped carrying the Iams cat food?  My cats are extremely picky, and won't eat any other brand.  Last time I tried buying something cheaper, Bobbi threw herself on the ground and started moaning.  Yes, moaning!  Brandon went straight to the comments box and wrote,
"You have stopped carrying the Iams cat food.  Why???!!!!!?  Our poor cats will starve if we continue to shop here!"
Hmmmph.  That oughta teach them!

Finding My Voice

I've been thinking a lot lately about my voice - you know, the impact I make on people and the impressions I leave.  I don't feel I have much of a voice.  Maybe even literally.  In most situations I am pretty used to being in the background and not speaking much.  I think in the circumstances I am more quiet, it's because I'm used to being that way, or the people I'm interacting with are used to me being that way; they just assume that Brie will not talk or contribute much, or that I don't have anything important to say.

I think that's partly why I had so much fun at Bear Lake this last weekend.  When I am with those friends, I have a voice.  I talk and I joke and I do silly I'm the Champion of the Rook Tournament dances that involve pelvic thrusts and the running man.  I contribute to the conversation.  People ask my opinion, because my opinion matters to them.  It's really a great feeling.

I want that more.

I was talking a bit about this with my T this morning, and she remarked that I have quite a voice on my blog, and that a lot of people follow me.  I kind of made a derisive snort, and she asked why I was dismissing what she had just said.  And I told her that it's kind of pathetic to have a voice over the internet, but not in real life.  And she remarked, quite simply, "Well, it's a place to start.  And I know you make a difference to those who read."

And she's right.  I'm glad that what I write matters to all of you.  I'm glad that I've made an impact in some of your lives.  I'm glad that I matter.

I guess, now, I just need to learn how to do that in my "real" life.  I need to figure out how to have more confidence, and not conform to the identity that people think I should have, and just keep my mouth shut because it is expected of me, or because I expect it of myself.  I want to have experiences like I had in Bear Lake all of the time.  I want to feel silly and giddy and not be embarrassed to be that way in front of other people.  I mean, theoretically, I want to figure out a way I can pelvic thrust my way through my whole life.  ;)  Know what I mean?

Well, it's a journey, that's for sure.  Finding my voice after 10 years of starving it away isn't going to be easy.  Back then, when I was dying, I could use my body to let everyone know how I was.  People could look at me and read "I'm dying because I hurt so much," but I never could say it out loud.  It's scary and tricky and just plain...odd...to actually open my mouth and form words to how I'm feeling.  Even now, I mostly just do it with Brandon, but he's incredibly patient and great at helping me find the words I need to describe the hurt, just so that I don't need to hurt my body anymore to do the talking for me.  Sometimes simply telling him, "Hey honey, I'm not okay," is all I need.  And he envelops me in his arms and I sit with the hurt until it goes away, rather than letting it nearly kill me like it has in the past.

So, just to get a little bit of practice, I'm going to use my voice in this post today and tell you how I'm feeling.  I want to say that today, I'm okay.  I'm not particularly happy, but I'm not too sad, either.  Just feeling really reflective.  Just wanting things to change, and feeling motivated to change them.  Feeling grateful I have all of you, because my T is right.  Using my blog to help me find my voice is a great place to start.  And you all have been so fantastic at getting me to speak up.  At getting me to open up. 
And I seriously love you for it. 
So, thanks.  :) 
May we all use our voices today, instead of hurting our bodies to speak for us.  Because we all have something really, really important to say.

A One Way Dialogue

Am I actually admitting this?

We all say weird crap to our pets, right?  Stuff that we'd be mildly horrified if acquaintances or co-workers heard us say?  Not quite sure I realized this until just now, as I was lovin' on Hairy.  I swear, this is exactly what I said:

Ohhhhhh HAIRY.  Oh precious PRECIOUS princess!  It's SO HARD bein so STINKIN PERFECT.  I want to EAT YOU.  I do.  I want to EAT YOUR PRECIOUS PRECIOUS INNARDS.  I know.  I know, I KNOW, OH I KNOW.  I know how hard it is to be SO SPECIAL.  It's so hard being you, Hairy.  SO HARD.  Mama's here.  MAMA LOVES YOU, OH, HOW SHE LOVES YOU.  You tender tender PRECIOUS baby lover.

I seriously think I just made Hairy cry.  We totally had A Moment.  I'm so tender with her.  What would she do with out me?  I mean, I'm so validating and understanding.  And, obviously, she is so PRECIOUS in return.  We make quite a pair!

Workin at Optimism

Been a little grouchier today.  I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, and I can't figure out why.  As far as I can remember, nothing especially terrible has happened that would make me hella sadsy.  I guess today is just a day where I need to be a little glum.  HOWEVER, just since I'm trying out this whole optimism thing, I've decided I'm going to write out a list of all the good things that have happened today, to refute the bad:

1. Dietary went well.  And, let's be honest, if the past is any indication, usually it doesn't.  I'm totally turning over a new compliance leaf though, so hopefully I'll have many more good sessions in the future where neither my dietican or I wail and lament and gnash our teeth and rent our clothes. We learned this from the Bible.

2. After dietary, I stopped in the waiting room to change Mila's diaper; girlfriend was eeking pee.  Apparently I forgot to throw the diaper away, because on my way home, I got a call from my therapist.  Her first words to me were, "THANKS FOR THE PRESENT YOU LEFT ME," and I immediately said "DAMMIT!" because I knew right away I must have forgotten to throw away Mila's diaper, it hit me just like that.  We laughed about it, and then hung up.  Why is this a good thing, you ask?  Because when I looked down at my caller ID and saw my therapist was calling me, I started to freak out, you know, something like ohmygoshwhatdidIdonowIdidsomethingwrongbutIdon'tevenknowwhathelpmehelpmeshoooooot.  Because it's not like my therapist calls me all the time, just to laugh.  So naturally, I panicked.  Never mind I couldn't think of anything I had actually done wrong.  I may be trying to be optimistic, but panic is still quick to set in!  ;)

3. My mom is picking up Cade from school and taking him to the aquarium with some of his cousins, so this leaves me lots of time to clean the house and be super productive watch the Animal Planet.  HOW does the Animal Planet manage to keep creeping up in my posts?  I'll tell you why.  It's the START OF AN OBESESSION.

A super flattering angle for her

4. My cat (Bobbi, and here's a pic just to refresh you) just ate a bandaid wrapper.  If I let her, she'd eat almost anything, alive or dead, edible or just plain weird, you know, like a bandaid wrapper.  She wanted to sniff it, so I let her, but I didn't think she'd actually snag it from my hand with her claws and chow it down.  She even got territorial about it when I tried to take it from her, and keeping her from eating a weird wrapper is just not as important as keeping my finger.  Bobbi won this battle, oh, she won.  ...Just goes to show you that people aren't the only folk to struggle with ED's.  Bobbi has a problem.  We mustn't laugh, it's serious!

Sigh.  I really need to clean, and I've been thinking about how I can make this an optimism thing, but cleaning just doesn't make me happy, guys.  It just doesn't.  Sure I love a clean room just as much as the next person, but I hate how hard it is to actually get there.  But I will nonetheless push aside the keyboard and go do my domestic duties.  Have a great day, ya'll!

Holy Rambly

One thing I've tried to do with the new year, new January thing, was to blog more.  And I have.  A ton more than I normally do.  But I forgot how hard it is to actually think of things to blog about when you're posting nearly every day.  I always have thoughts skitter across my brain, and I think, "I need to blog about that!" but then, when it comes time to blog, I usually can't remember what it was I was even going to write about.  So, if my posts are boring or rambly, I apologize.  I'm just tryin to do my thang.

I woke up at the unholy hour of 9:30 a.m. today.  Guys, I wanted to die.  I really did.  I could barely peel my eyes open, and my mom was trying to incentivize me out of sleep with some quinoah.  Don't know what that is?  Oh, don't worry, I didn't either until this morning.  Apparently it's some wheat-y thing from Peru that kinda tastes like oatmeal.  And I'm like, really Mom?  You want to lure me from the sweet slumbers of sleep with weird wheat?  Why not some pancakes or even better, crepes?  Or maybe a colorado omelette?  But, begrudgingly, I woke up and ate my latin oatmeal.  But it was rough!

Though, I'll give you that with waking up earlier, you definitely have more time to do really important things like search TMZ's website and blog and I guessssssss clean.  I finally unpacked our suitcases from Bear Lake, so that's good.  Maybe I'll even shower.  Who knows what miracles will occur today from waking up at a normal time like a normal person!

You guys, I'm having some serious problems with watching the Animal Planet.  Specifically, I can't stop.  I don't flip on CNN when I'm bored, or even E!, or better yet, re-runs of Oprah.  Nah, I flip to the good 'ol AP.  And, before a few years ago, I wouldn't even have considered myself an "animal person!"  But EVERY SHOW on the network utterly fascinates me.  I already waxed poetic about My Cat From Hell, but what about Cats 101/Dogs 101?  Or It's Me or the Dog? Or the winner for Grossest of them All, Confessions: Animal Hoarding?  Butbutbut what about Big Cat Diary? And Fatal Attractions?  Guys, I have a fever.  And the only prescription...is more cowbell Animal Planet.  Help!  (And no, Animal Planet is not paying me to endorse their network, though that would have been freakin sweet.  I'm just feeling generous today.)

You know what's cool?  I've followed my mealplan PERFECTLY for going on 7 weeks now.  This may not sound like a big deal, but guys, it is.  It way is.  I haven't had 7 weeks of straight compliance since well, probably ever.  And it's really cool because yeah, I'm not super thrilled with my body, and yeah, I wish it were a bit smaller, but I'm not completely freaking out and obsessing about it like I used to when I was more enveloped in the ED.  And I'm also finding out that I can eat A LOT (my mealplan is monstrous) without gaining any weight.  That gives me confidence that I can eat some of my fear foods too, mostly desserts, with out getting huge.  So that's definitely a positive that I wanted to take a sec to brag about.  :)  Food forever!  Starving never!

Time for me to go I think, since this post was neither cohesive or especially interesting, and if I let myself, I think I could go on forever.  Have a great day guys, I heart you and I totally approve of this message!

Trip Recap

Hello all!  I am back from my weekend getaway, and let me tell you, it was absolutely fabulous.  You might not think being holed up in a cabin for several days would be fun, (couldn't really go outside; it was so cold I'd have frozen my bajina off) but it was!  We played gazillions of games and laughed and cooked and ATE A LOT and had lots of time for some really fun and serious and even scandalous conversation.  Thanks so much to Brett and Ang for inviting us up for the weekend, and to everybody else for making it so freaking fun.  :)

Notice I have not posted any pictures of said weekend getaway.  I took ONE picture, and it was of my twin sportin some rooster hair.  You wanna  see it?  Okay!  I'll post it.  I'm a giver, that's what I do:

BaGOCK!

What else?  Mila did great on the drive, which is a relief.  On the way there she cried for maybe 30 minutes, but it wasn't like a full-on wail or anything; I'd say it hovered more in the whiny range, which I can totally tolerate.  On the way home, she didn't cry at all - slept the whole time, it was sweet.  Cade only asked "are we there yet?" about 854 times, so that was okay.  Winning, I say.

I fear, though, that my cats suffered terribly without me.  I mean they had food and water and stuff but not LOVE.  They were all over my person last night when I got home, it totally made Brandon jealous, but they needed to fill up their love buckets.  Hairy has a particularly large love bucket, and can't quite seem to get enough.  As I type this, she's lounging on the desk in front of me and her paws are resting on my hands.  Maybe you could even say we're holding hands.  How tender.

Speaking of cats, have you seen that show on Animal Planet called Cat from Hell?  Jog, DO NOT WALK, to your TV, and Tivo that crap.  It has a cat whisperer in it!  A CAT WHISPERER.  And he is large with many tattoos and funny facial hair.  I giggle when I look at him.  It is sooooooo good, and I promise if you hate cats, it'll make you hate them more, and if you love cats, you'll be like just so grateful that the cat you own couldn't possibly behave as badly as these little hellions.  I'm hooked, I can't stop watching.  When I grow up I want to be a cat whisperer.  I mean, I already whisper sweet nothings into my cat's ears, but I'm thinking that might not quite be the same thing.  Hum.

This post might possibly be the most pointless ever.  Whatever, I'm going to go eat a sandwich now.  Byesies!

Middle of the Night Ramblings

It's the middle of the night (6 am qualifies as the middle of the night for me) and I am awake.  I've been awake for a couple hours actually, and I think I just have too much on my mind to fall asleep.  Maybe barfing it all on my blog will help me catch a few more zzzz's before I have to wake up and start my day.

Group last night was really interesting.  I'm glad I went, though it wasn't a particularly easy group to get through.   I think I'm pretty sure I'm leaning toward staying.  My group gals were great at giving me some insight and helping me figure out why I want to quit, and I think I worked through some of that, so I'm hoping that from here on out things will get better and easier.  I'm making a commitment to myself to engage more actively in group and to speak up and participate more.  I think doing that, in and of itself, will help tremendously.  So we'll see.

We're leaving for Bear Lake today around noon, just after I get done with therapy.  I did get some packing done last night (thank goodness, right?) but I still have quite a bit that I need to get done.  We're only going to be gone for 3 days and 2 nights, yet I have to pack like I'm a freakin' pioneer and like I'm never coming home again.  Do you know how much luggage is required for a 5 month old baby???  I mean, there's the clothes, and then the extra clothes in case she pees (or poops) through her outfit, then there's the diapers, bottles, wipes, formula, not to mention her portable crib and her play gym and her doorway jumper.  Then Brandon is packing a huge computer screen thingy for Cade to watch movies on, I'm bringing 100 bucks worth of pure, unadulterated, JUNK FOOD, not to mention Cade's toys and clothes, and then, to top it all off, we have to pack for us, and winter clothes so we can play in the snow by the lake.  Also, do you know how many electronics we're packing?  Heaven forbid I go without my iPad for 3 days (but I won't do it so don't make me you can't make me I'm bringing it).  Phew.  I don't even want to THINK of how much it's going to suck to have to unpack all this crap.  Suck.

Well, not much more tired now than I was when I started this blog.  Guess I'll whip out the old SVU re-runs, that's always good for a yawn.  Have a great weekend guys, I don't think I'll be blogging, but I'll be around via Facebook, so if you need to get in touch with me, that's probably the best way to do it.  I have my cell phone, but the service is notoriously bad at the cabin, so that may not be all that reliable.  Have fun at home, bitches, while I'm off frolicking at the Lake that is Bear!

Procrastination

I have so much to do before we leave for Bear Lake tomorrow morning, and instead of actually doing any of it, I am a) writing lists about what I need to do, but not actually doing anything, (so far I am up to 5 separate lists) b) lazing around the www, c) drinking copious amounts of Diet Coke, and d) getting anxious.

None of which is really helping.

I'm just a giant lazy slug that needs to get up and start moving!  But I have no motivation.  Why can't Brandon go grocery shopping and pack the kids' clothes?  Why can't Brandon vacuum the house?  Why can't Brandon take out the garbages?  Oh yeah, because I've already written a separate list for him to do, which involves all the grody stuff I don't want to do, like cleaning out the car, changing the litter, and washing the dishes.  He loves me so he does these things.  Also because I blackmail him with no sex if he doesn't.  (That last part may or may not be true.)

I always get anxious when I leave town, even for a short trip.  Don't get me wrong, I want to go, very much, and am looking forward to it, but there's always that little bit of anxiety I feel about not being in my comfort zone and sticking with my regular routine, etc.  Also, I'm not much of a social butterfly, and there are going to be 8 other couples there, 2 of which I don't know at all, so I hope that I don't get overwhelmed and get too quiet, like I tend to do in large groups of people.  Hmmmm.

Okay, better bounce.  Whit just walked in the door and we're dragging our lazy butts to Noodles for some noodley deliciousness.  Wish me luck getting all this crap done!

The Door Jumper, Dietary, and Melatonin

We bought Mila a doorway jumper, and it's the best money we've ever spent - I get 30 minutes at a time to like be free and be my own woman and get things done without her crying to be picked up.  I swear, when she's chillin on a blanket and I'm trying to clean, her weepy little eyes follow me around the house and she is judging me for not giving her enough attention - totally disconcerting.  But this has been a lifesaver because she loves it.  And she looks pretty darn cute in it, too.  :)

Saw my dietician today, and it went well I think.  I've been really consistent with my mealplan for about 6 weeks now, so we are finally going to start working on other things than my compliance (or lack thereof).  I mean, gosh, it only took me 2 1/2 years to comply; I think this qualifies me as a fast learner???  At any rate, we're going to start tackling body image stuff and intuitive eating stuff too, though that really scares me.  The very phrase, "INTUITIVE EATING," gives me the shivers, and I can't quite pinpoint why.  I guess to me it just coincides with weight gain and other not so fun stuff, but I know that was in the past and in my ED brain, so hopefully this time around things will be different.  So, hopefully I can make progress with some of this crap.  About time, I say.

I asked on Facebook yesterday what other people thought of Melatonin; as I've started taking it about a month ago and haven't really noticed it working very well yet, though I hear it takes 3-4 weeks to really take effect.  Well, as of last night, I think I just may be a believer in this Melatonin Thing.  I took it, and about 20 minutes later, I was soooooooo tired.  In fact, I crawled into bed, and usually I'm happy to talk to Brandon for a few minutes in the dark, just to wind down, but this time, every time he asked me a question, inside I was like REALLY?  I'M SO TIRED, STOP TALKING OR ELSE I'LL MURDER YOU, but on the outside I just murmured uh-huh, nuh-uh, and hmmmm, in the hopes that he'd get the hint that I didn't want to talk if I didn't, in fact, use any actual words. 
He didn't. 
But I did fall asleep more quickly than I have since I've been off all my hardcore sleeping meds, and maybe it was the Melatonin?  I hope so!  It'd be such a nice change to have something simple and all natural work for me, rather than resorting to sleeping meds that could knock out Shrek and his giant green balls.

Okay, that does it for now, I got nothin' else.  Peace out, friendcicles.

Doin' Better

Thanks to all who commented on my last post - to have support given and ideas for how to better manage my anxiety thrown out there really meant a lot.  This is why I blog!  Because of da love.  :)

Well, my anxiety has significantly decreased since last night, and I think I know why.  During dinner last night with the parentals, out of nowhere, in the middle of chewing my food, I said, "I'M HAVING A LOT OF ANXIETY."  ...And then proceeded to tell my parents about how crippling the big bad A has been for the past few weeks, and about how group is causing a lot of anxiety in particular.  My parent's mouths dropped open in shock; their masticated hamburger rolling around in their mouth.  Because I don't talk.  At least, not about anything real.  I'm so closed off, and to randomly start yammering on about my anxiety shocked the hell out of them.  (Okay maybe the masticated hamburger part was a bit of an exaggeration!  ;)  But...to get my anxieties out of me, and to explain it, really helped.  I think it was getting so big and so scary in my head, but to put it out on the table and get a rational person's opinion really helped A TON.  Opening up forever!  Anxiety never!  So between you guys and my parents, I'm feeling like a whole new gal.  The anxiety is still there, yes, but it's not completely consuming me like it was before.

Well, tomorrow it's back to dietary I go.  I haven't been since mid-November because my dietician went on maternity leave.  Instead, I've had to get weighed twice/week by my therapist, and let me tell you, that was a TREAT.  I know she knows my weight anyway, because my D tells her, but for some reason to get weighed by her was mortifying.  Plus, she's sort of, like, a killer.  A killer dietician.  She put me through dietary bootcamp, and while it was good for me, it was tough!  So I think I'm okay with going back to see my old dietician.  Not excited about the extra cost every month, but recovery is expensive, and I figured that out and stopped whining about it a long time ago.  At any rate, I hope it goes okay.  If anything significant happens, I'll tell ya'll, of course.

I'm going to group this week as well, so I'll also definitely do some reportage back to you guys on how it goes in relation to my anxiety.  I wish I could divulge juicy group stories, but I can't because that'd be breaking confidentiality and I might be lynched.  And I'd deserve it, because confidentiality is super dee duper important!

This weekend Brandon and the kids and I are heading to Bear Lake to spend a few days with our friends.  Should be really fun; I'm quite looking forward to it.  This will be the first time we've ever traveled with Little Chica, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes.  It's only a 2 1/2 hour drive though, and we're purposefully leaving during her nap time, so with luck she'll sleep the whole time.  I hope to take lots of pictures and report on how it goes.

Okay, time for me to bounce.  I have laundry and picking up to do, plus for dinner tonight I'm tackling tostadas, so I need to do some prep for that.  Look at me being all domestic goddessey!

Big Bad Anxiety

I've always, for basically as long as I can remember, had anxiety.  And in fact, even before I can remember, my mom tells me stories about how anxious I was.  For example, every Tuesday when the garbage man came, I would hide under her bed because I was afraid of the loud noise of the truck, but also that he was going to kidnap me.  What 3 year old worries about being kidnapped??  Seriously?  My twin, Brett, would race to the window to watch the truck tip the can full of garbage, while I sobbed under the bed.  Or, on the 4th of July, while all of my siblings were enjoying watching the fireworks, I was hiding underneath a blanket crying because the loud pops they made terrified me.

So, dealing with anxiety...yeah, it sucks, but I'm used to it.  But the level of anxiety I've been experiencing over the past few weeks feels above and beyond even what I normally experience.  WHY must I incessantly worry about a future where, in many circumstances, I have absolutely no control over?  I can't get the thoughts to leave my brain...they just race and race and race and I feel so exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

The physiological response to this anxiety is driving me nuts.  I have elevated blood pressure, and my heart rate is chillin in the 130's.  This may be TMI, but I have terrible diarrhea.  I'm shaking and fidgety and restless and I don't feel I can focus. 

Obviously, my anxiety is a little outta control.  Obviously something needs to change, maybe I need a change in meds.  I'm just so TIRED of med tweaks...I'm tired of nothing helping.  Or, I'm tired of being drugged senseless by too many drugs - I can't even afford to do that now anyway, because I have 2 kids that depend on me everyday, and I can't sleep through the day - it's not like they'd let me, anyway.  So I don't know what to do.

I talked a bit about this in therapy today, and I'm going to try some of the basic stuff, to see if that helps.  Relaxation tapes, talking about it more in therapy and to My People, deep breathing, stuff like that.  I used to scoff at such ideas; I used to think that the only way my anxiety was going to be controlled was if I popped a Xanax or two, but that thought process is most definitely changing.  Sometimes the little things make all the difference, and I'm hoping it can help manage some of this anxiety.

One thing that is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety is group.  Specifically, I still can't decide if I should quit or not.  The three people whose opinion I care about most - Brandon, my mom, and my T - they all think I should give group another shot, and then 90% of you that commented said the same thing...so I'm inclined to trust all of you, and give it another shot, but the anxiety fall-out from all this is wicked bad.  I will admit that a part of me does want to give it another shot, yes, but a bigger part wants to run away - onlyonlyonly - that's EXACTLY what I'd be doing - running away.  And I worry that if I run away from group just like I've run away from so many other things in my life, that I'll grow to regret my decision and be angry with myself.  So I'm desperately trying to change these old behavior patterns, but it's so so so hard.

So that's where I'm at.  Anxious.  Obviously.  But making it okay?

Hail to the Pants

I took this pic of Mila yesterday and about died - I love everything about it, from the smile hiding behind her binky to her flowered print pants I just bought from Baby Gap.  I suppose this makes her a keeper?  Although, think about how much $$ I could get for selling her on the black market?  Kick A baby with blue eyes, dimples, and long eyelashes?  Hmmmmm.  Tempting thought, but no.  :)

Goodbye to Group Therapy?

I'm having a wee bit of a condundrum, so I thought I'd toss this out to you Blogxygeners and see what you think.  All opinions and thoughts are welcome!

So, I've been going to group therapy for a little over two years now; I know that I've mentioned it a time or two on my blog.  The group is led by my therapist and it is an eating disorder support group.  Group therapy has been a huge rollercoaster for me.  At first, I hated it.  LOATHED IT.  I dreaded group every week, and I mostly only went because my T made it a requirement that I go, because she thought it was really important I learn to open up and work on my social skillzzz.  Fair enough, so I went.  And then, slowly, group got easier for me.  I opened up more and participated in group and started to develop friendships with some of the other members, and I still love them to death, and some of them I'm still very good friends with.  During this time I really started to emerge as a group leader.  I looked forward to group, and I always felt really great afterward.

And then something started to happen, oh, maybe 6ish months ago.  I started to regress in my group experience - I started to get really quiet again, and didn't participate much.  I felt really anxious in group, and I usually left feeling really crappy.  I don't feel like I've gotten much out of group for quite awhile now.  I go because I know I should and because I committed to it, but I could be the freaking doorknob in group, for all I add to it.  I'm there, hey, you can look at me jiggling my foot a million miles a minute and chewing my nails apart, but that's about all I'm good for.

So for the past 2 months or so, I've gotten really serious about questioning if group is something that I should continue doing.  And I've been torn.  So I finally worked up the courage to talk to my T about it, and I told her basically everything that I've said so far in this post - that group used to be great for me, but that it doesn't feel that way anymore, (Why though?  I don't know!)  and I usually feel worse afterward, and what should I do?  And this is more or less what she said:
She believes that group can still be helpful for me, but only if I work really hard at it.  She says that with how long I've been in group, she expects me to be a group leader, and speak up more and participate more.  She said that she still sees me, in my "regular" life as someone who is more or less a doormat, and who doesn't usually speak my mind, and sometimes to my detriment.  She still thinks group therapy could be helpful if I was willing to be assertive and speak up in group, because that would help teach me and give me practice to do that in my real life.  But, if I'm not willing to do that in group, then she agrees with me that group is basically not helpful for me anymore, and I should be done.  She is completely leaving the decision in my hands.

And, I don't know what to do.  The bigger part of me wants to quit and just brush my hands off and be done with it.  But...if I do that...am I running away?  Am I  not taking an opportunity to learn more about myself and really grow and change some things about my day-to-day life that I don't really like?  (I mean who likes being a doormat?)  Or should I just call it quits because 2 years is a long time to be in a group, and think that I will learn to talk more and open  up more and be assertive in a different setting, maybe with individual therapy? 

I don't want to squander this potential opportunity to change and grow, because the truth is, I really do wish that I was more assertive and more open.  I'm a pretty quiet and withdrawn person, and sometimes I wish I could get out of my isolation and speak up, especially because I get walked all over all the time.  But...if I haven't yet learned to do that yet with 2 years of group, maybe I won't ever learn.  I don't know?

I'm honestly so confused.  When I talked with my T about this earlier today, I told her I was just going to think about it awhile before I made any decisions.  And I feel so stuck.  Breezy has  no idea what to do.

Addendum: I was just about to publish this post, when Brandon called.  I talked to him about all this, and he thinks I should continue group with this whole trying to be a group leader thing and see how it works out.  I'm inclined to listen to him, but I still want all of your opinions!

PS - the photo of Miss M and I has nothing to do with the post, obviously.  Just thought it was cute.  :)

Has a Nice Ring to it

My good friend - and Blogxygener - Brianne sent me this pic yesterday.  Apparently this store is in Idaho Falls, just a few minutes from her house.  She snapped a pic because she knew of course that I would adore it.

A store named after my baby!  How perfect.  :)  And if I do say so myself, Mila is quite couture.  Take a gander for yourself.  :)

Babies Don't Keep

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Read full poem here.

I love this poem.  It really speaks to me, and it reminds me to hold onto Mila a little tighter because soon she'll be like Cade, scampering off to school with his too-big-backpack and making new friends that aren't ME.  I miss the days when he used to snuggle with me and need me in a way that he no longer does.  I know of course my 5 year old still needs me, but they grow up so fast...as I'm learning.  Also, this poem comes in handy when Brandon asks me why I haven't done the laundry.  Whipping out an answer like "Because I'm too busy loving my daughter before she grows up so LAY OFFA ME" is kinda hard to talk back to, am I right?

Babbling On

Okay, so it took 4 days, but I'm finally onboard with this whole new year thing.  I was worried 2012 was going to suck, but methinks it could be pretty rad.  This is the year that Brandon will graduate, (only took him a decade - but LOVE YOU BRANDON!) and the year we buy our own house.  All good things, yes? 

And I've also decided that today is going to be a good day, despite the fact I was rudely awakened at 5:53 this morning by my cat retching at my bedside.  Stepped in it this morning too, all squishy between my toes.  But I let it rolllllll off the old shoulderoos; washed my puke-soiled foot, and cheerfully woke up much earlier than I have been lately.  My house is clean, (relatively) Cade is ready for school, Mila is napping, my cats are (thankfully) not puking at the moment, and I have a cold Diet Coke by my side.  How could this day NOT be okay?!

And, can I just say that you guys are rad?  If you knew me in real life, (most of you don't) you'd probably view me as this relatively cheerful person who was somewhat quiet that keeps mostly to herself.  And it's true - I'm kind and I'm polite, but unless you reallllly know me, you know that I don't offer much information up about myself, and I more or less keep to myself.  And, usually, I'm okay with that.  It's only after I have an outpouring of kindness and love from you guys (like after my last post) that I am left thinking, wow, maybe I do need more people in my life.  Because the kind comments that you all left, when I hadn't even met the majority of the people that commented, just blew me away.  It left a huge smile on my face after I read each comment.  It made me ache (but in a good way) and it made me realize I need more people in my life that I can talk to, and I need more moments where I am real and open.  Doing that is scary because it makes me feel so vulnerable, but I think it's also really really good for me, too.  So thanks for helping me guys.  You are way cheaper than therapy!  ;)

By the way, last night my meat loaf was a smashing success.  I even "cooked" baked potatoes, and if you can believe it, I've never done THAT before.  I'm not joking, I can microwave things like a wiz, and I can cook, like, grilled cheese and maybe put soup on the stove, but that is where my culinary talents end.  And, it's not like I wasn't given an opportunity to learn, as a kid, (and even adult) my mom has asked - nay, begged - to teach me how to do that kinda stuff, and I always politely decline.  I just have ZERO interest in cooking.  But I also know I'm kind of, like, a wife and mom, so maybe I should try to learn to cook some things...so...I'm trying.  New year, new me, right?  Maybe?  Meat loaf Brie?

Now I'm just babbling.  Time to get the kiddo to school, anyway.  Hope ya'll have a great day.  Sorry no cute pics of the kiddos today.  Saaaaaad.  Tomorrow's post for sure, I'll add new pics!

Well said, my boy, well said.

Last night, Cade knew I was really glum.  So he said, "Mom, I have something really important I need to tell you.  It is that you are super pretty and you make the bestest baby girls ever!"

and then

This afternoon, after I picked Cade up from school, we stopped at the grocery store to buy some ingredients for dinner (I'm tackling meat loaf).  Cade saw a shiny red corvette in the parking lot, then asked me, "Mommy, how come you don't have a corvette?"

To which I replied, "Ask your dad."

He paused for a while, then said, rather thoughtfully, "Daddy's cheap, huh?"

LOL.  That's my gem for the day.  :)

New Year's Reflections

Thanks for bearing with my post yesterday.  I needed to vent, to be sad, to mourn a little I guess.

I've been reflecting on December 2011, and boy guys, it wasn't a good month.  It's been really hard.  Due to some really crappy things that happened, my depression got pretty bad.  My anxiety felt out of control, and when I say that, I don't say it lightly.  At all.

I've been doing a lot of hiding in my room with the kitties curled up next to me, the lights turned off, and the door shut.  I've been crying a lot.  I've felt lower than I have in a long time.  I've been lucky, because fortunately Brandon has had a lot of time off with the holidays, so he's been there to watch the kids while I slept in until 11:30, and he was being the mama of the house and doing the cleaning and cooking while I felt sorry for myself.  He's been amazing.  Stellar.  I am so lucky to have him, and I probably don't tell him enough.

And I've been thinking a lot.  I don't want 2012 to start out as crappy as 2011 ended.  I can only wallow and feel sorry for myself for so long.  I can't keep this up, I don't want to keep this up!  So, though I am no New Year's Resolutioner, I have decided that I'm going to at least do a few things a little different.  I'm going to set my alarm and wake up sometime before that of a lazy high-schooler with no responsibilities.  I'm going to start cleaning the house, or at least doing a little cleaning each day.  I'm going to schedule time to be with Cade each day to help him with his homework and love on him.  Instead of hiding in my room, I'm going to try to be around more.  I'm going to try to laugh and be in the moment more, rather than worry about the future or regret the past.  I'm going to let myself have some time every day to be anxious or scared or sad or upset, because if I'm feeling that, I need to be okay with that, but I also am not going to let those emotions run rampant and rule my life.  I'll feel them, then put my chin up and move on.

Although, one resolution I think I do have is to blog more.  I feel pretty lonely right now.  Blogging seems to help me not feel so isolated.  So, thanks for reading, even when my posts aren't so fun or ridiculous.  Sometimes I just need to be serious, and to be honest.  Today is one of those days.

A Hard Day to be a Mother

There are some days where being a mother is hard.  Really hard.  Today is one of those days.  Cade has hardly stopped crying all afternoon.  He is whiny and upset and neither me nor Brandon seem to know what to do to help him.  I sat and tried to do his homework with him, and all he did was cry and say he couldn't do it.  It's been very frustrating.  We just tried to have FHE and Cade wouldn't look at us or pray with us or sing the opening song.  He wouldn't listen to the lesson, instead hid under a blanket.

I put my head in my hands and cried.  I'm still crying, even now.

Because my little boy is scared and insecure and terribly obstinate to authority.  Because he doesn't seem to be okay and I don't know what to do.  Because I'm terrified that I've made him insecure because I am, too.  Because he's so sweet and beautiful and charming, yet he doesn't let anyone see it - instead he's angry and intense and bitter toward people.

What did I do wrong?  How do I fix it?  I wonder if Cade will read this blog post 15, 20 years from now.  I wonder if he'll blame me for the little flaws he struggles with.  I hope, instead, that if he ever reads this, he'll instead know that I love him and wish I knew how to help him.  I hope he'll know that I tried.  I don't know what else to do.

It's been a hard day.

Happy New Year's and a Holiday Recap

Happiest of New Years to you all.  I hope everyone had a fun and safe holiday season.  To recap, my Christmas was great.  Brandon and I didn't give much to each other, but Cade absolutely adored his presents, and I had so much fun watching him open up all his presents.  The dreaded shark blimp went over well, I think.  Brandon and Cade loved nothing more than scaring the crap out of me with it.  I never knew when I was going to turn around to find a giant shark face all up in my grill, and not far off, I'd hear Brandon and Cade tittering while working the remote control that moves the shark.  What a hoot, guys, I love being scared out of my mind by a silent, stealthy shark that's bigger than me.  Awesome.  I won't be watching Jaws anytime soon, that's for sure.  :)

New Year's Eve was okay too, though I'm usually so sick to death of holiday stuff, that by the time New Year's comes around, I'm just ready to go to bed and wake up to a new year and get back to my routine.  Holidays are fun but I'm just plain holiday-ed out by now.

 I got to see my sister and her family though, here from Colorado, and I also got to see my sis-in-law and her kiddos, while my brother is stationed in Honduras, so that was awesome to spend time with them.  That's probably why holidays are best - to see family and loved ones that you haven't seen in awhile.

 Anyway, sorry I've been kind of quiet lately - December was kind of a rough month for me, and I'm hoping that 2012 will be better.  I have set no resolutions because I already know I won't keep them.  Why set goals when you can low-ball?  Yeah, the pessimism is coming out, so maybe I should stop here...

Hope to post soon and more often!  Enjoy pics of my baby girl - I can't get enough of her.