Friday, August 29, 2008

So Many UNs

I’ve been blogging now for close to a year. And, surprisingly, my blog started to be read by more than I ever thought – indeed I’ve heard of people that I kindasortanotreally know that read my blog…and I think, Wow, I kinda write personal things on here (and how on earth did they even find my blog?). But then I also remember: my blog is public. It was my choice to put it on the worldwideweb.

I get my fair share of emails from people all over the country (and even world) who read my blog and want to thank me for the humor I bring even through devastating trials like suffering and trying to recover from an eating disorder – and those emails seriously, like, feed me. They keep me going. They make me think that even though I haven’t accomplished much in my life, at least I’m helping some people. And that's when I remember why I keep my blog public. For the self-esteem boost. No, I'm kidding. Kind of. I really do find a great sense of peace and purpose when I know that others feel inspired from reading moi.

I mean: college – been there, dropped out of that. On independence: I still need my mommy and hubby and therapist. On confidence: I ask Bran at least fourteen times a day if I look fat, or pretty, or if I did a good job warming up the soup we’re having for dinner. I’m not a domestic goddess. I hate to clean. I’m not a perfectionistic clean-freak like most typical anorexics are. I live in chaos. I am chaotic. Hell, I can write on un-lined paper! Whoa!!

I’m a complete failure when it comes to society’s standards. I don’t have a commanding, high-paying, high stress job. I don’t drive a beamer. Half the time my kid only bathes once a week. His hair is crispy. And crusty. And, on some days, mine is too. And still, I didn’t bathe him this morning. I didn’t bathe this morning either, to be frank. And gross. I use a blow-dryer or a curling iron maybe 3x a month. A month, people. The rest of the time it air dries and is in a nasty bun. People think I’m so put together. I have an awesome husband, a crazyadorablepsychotic kid, the whole shebang. And I’m not saying those things aren’t miracles and wonderful supersupercool things in my life, I’m just saying there’s more than meets the eye. There’s a lot more to me, and most of it isn’t really all that swell.

But I don’t often write about that.

Sometimes I wonder, when I’m deciding what I’d like to blog about on a particular day, what people want to read. Or don’t want to read. And obviously my blog is for me, and should be for me. I luuuuuuurve blogging. Sometimes I just lose sight of that.

I forget that some people want to hear the serious stuff, and some are just here to read when I’m funny or at least trying to be and just come off as moronic. And I can't please everyone and I know I just need to deal. And sometimes I’m funny even when I want to cry. And most of the time it helps. But sometimes it doesn’t, and in those times there’s nothing for me to do but take a benzo and bite my fingernails.

And then, to make matters worse, a favorite blogger of mine sent me an article and I read that my teen idol, my love, the face on the countless bookmarks I made and laminated as a teen…David Duchovny, my Agent Mulder, the man I named my car after…went into rehab for, for…A SEX ADDICTION. I almost laid an egg when I read the article, I kid you not. BAGOOOOOOCK! (Is that the sound a hen makes?) Totally shrieking out, people.

And this is okay. I judge not. It just makes me feel a bit uncomfy, is all.

So, this uneducated, unkempt, underqualified, unperfect, uncool, unsuccessful, unaccomplished person is just going to have to suffice. For you. For me. And for David Duchovny.

Food-related addictions, sex addictions, we all the same. Group hug!

26 comments:

alana.rachelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
alana.rachelle said...

i can't help but laugh at your utter perceptual distortion because you, my dear, ARE every one of your UNs and you don't even realize it! you don't need to do something every second of everyday to be qualified as adaquate and accomplished in it. heavens, i only need to stop by church once a month to stay off of the "inactive" list! you are amazing and if you need to hear it a thousand times a day just so that we can increase the probability of one of them actually sinking into that stubborn little head of yours, then we'll do it! let the mass text messages begin. you've been warned, clear out your inbox! haha love you briezy. cfc elite and gg forever?! ;) monday night dude, monday night! you know you love me. xoxo!

Krystle said...

*Hugs*

I can't believe David Duchovny is in rehab for a sex addiction! Weird...I adore him anyway. :)

You rock, Brie. No matter what.

Emily said...

David D. went into rehab for a sex addiction?! I had no idea! Oh well. This news doesn't distort my image of him at all. I still love him.

I think that you are amazing, Brie, no matter how many UNs you think you have.

Alissa said...

Hi Brie, Just wanted to stop by and say I'm one of those mystery people that has recently started reading your blog and loving every second of it. Your blend of humor, honesty and writing voice make me feel like I'm getting to know the real you.

I'm a few years ahead of you on the ED recovery. Still trying to figure out if its okay to call myself recovered. I don't always have it all together, but I'm still 95% better than I was a few years ago. Keep plugging away at recovery, life does get better and it's so worth it.

Don't count yourself out for all those UN's. You are a loving wife and mother and if you ask me maintaining and nurturing those relationships are so much more important than being the richest, smartest or the most beautiful. Those things will never leave you satisfied. Love is what is fills the hole in our hearts. Everything else is just a band aid that doesn't stick for very long.

Thanks for sharing your journey with a bunch of strangers you don't even know. You will never know how many people you touch.

KC Elaine said...

I think none of us are as put together as people think, and maybe most of us are more put together than we ourselves realize. You're amazing just as yourself, and that's what matters.

Jordan and Amy said...

To answer a few of your questions...
1. We all have the same middle name because we're cool, didn't you know that? No seriously, Lorenzo Snow is our Great Great Grandpa. My Dad's middle name is Snow too.
2. Please dont leave comments on my blog that say I hated you! I never hated you! I was just very intimidated by you, that's all. You might have given me the dirty eye when I started dating Brett though.

brie said...

Amers I was just joking about the whole "you hated me thing," (even though you kind of did, lol.) And yeah, I might have given you the stink eye when you stole my bro away, but I was jealous. And possessive. :)

LOVE YOU!

Sarah said...

group hug with the sex addicts!

hey, hands!

love you.

just the way you are.

Kathy with a K said...

I happen to like the UN's.
Some of my favorite words are UN's!

Underpants (can't say it without giggling.)
Underwear
Unmentionable
Untold
Unwritten
Unseen

Very mysterious, those UN words.
I look forward to the UNveiling of your next post.
UNtil then...know that what you feel at times is not UNusual, and probably common to us all.

Jackie said...

Brie, you are right. You are not living up to society's expectations. You are constantly EXCEEDING those expectations. You are inherently kind, compassionate, honest, loving, supportive...I could go on and on. You are a level above what most "educated" people achieve. And the list of your "weaknesses" the "u" list are actually many of the reasons that we all love you. You are unique. You don't pretend to be perfect.

You are above it all B.

Love, Jax

brie said...

Ha! Sarah, you're right! We prob don't want to hug the sex addicts, just sympathetically pat their shoulders. Once I went to an AA meeting - well, actually, it was EDA, but I accidentally walked into the porno AA, and I texted my friend freaking out, asking her what I should do, and she responded, "Show 'em your boobs!" I laughed, but unfortunately didn't lift up the shirt. I wanted them to stay sober.

jana bananas said...

Screw society. Most of society is stupid anyway. Really.

I find you to be amazing. You rock! I sent you an email that goes into more details.

I will admit that I'm a bit disappointed (or disgusted, maybe) with David Duchovny. That's disturbing. Icky.

jana bananas said...

No offense to those of you that are sex addicts.

tawny said...

I know you are half joking about the "UN's"..But this is my two cents: You are a fab mother,a great friend, and an amazing person. You are smart, fun, and totally hot so who cares about society standards...we SET our own!!! That is all that truly matters..love your sis

Cara said...

Brie, sweetheart, I've been reading for an age but like the entirely lazy creature that I am I never really felt I had anything of note to contribute, at least nothing that hadn't already been said by those in your timezone who got there first, but I figured this time there's something you could not hear often enough...

All this conforming? All this fitting in and being normal? You know what's synonymous with normal? Average. Ordinary.

Girl, you are extraordinary, and it is a magnificent thing.

When I read this:
They make me think that even though I haven’t accomplished much in my life, at least I’m helping some people.

I almost spat my tea all over the screen (poor lovely little iBook).

How can you not see how MUCH you have accomplished? You are a survivor in the human race, just by competing every day you accomplish something exceptional. Beyond that, though, you created the most beautiful little boy known to man. And I bet my right arm that that man of yours worships the ground on which you walk...creating that kind of marriage? You don't think that's achieving something?

Also, see how many comments you get here. See how many people hang on your every word, make an effort to not just read your wonderful writing, but let you know how much you are loved and appreciated.

Brie, you are more accomplished than you could ever realise, silly.

Penny said...

As your blogger reader, I not only love your unique prose and its content but i enjoy the many who comment to you. These women all express themselves in unusual, and interesting and sublime ways. I learn not only from you but from all of your "cyber" friends. One thing looking back on my twenties that I now hate is that I was constantly comparing myself to real women I knew and ones I didn't. It did not matter, all I knew is that I fell short of my own expectations so many times. Anyway its natural to kind of do this and feel less than, even more with all that you have gone through. But your experiences have molded you into the unique lovely person that you are. So love where you have been and what you have overcome and look forward to plenty more because thats how life is and life is worth. In some ways I admire Duchovny for not hiding his addiction but rather admitting his weaknesses, getting help for them and trying to improve his life. Thats kind of the over arching theme of your Blog so often. I love you

Cammy said...

I wanted to chime in, although everyone else has beat me to stating the obvious: Brie rocks. Seriously, your posts are extremely insightful and thought provoking, and you are hilarious. You are a very, very talented writer. I bet your crusty baby loves you just as much as a scrubbed and sterilized one would.

I think a lot of us have that feeling of "imposter syndrome," we feel like the put-togetheredness is just a facade and that everyone would be appalled if they knew how messy everything truly is. To be quite honest, though, put-together people are not as fun, interesting, or inspiring as real people who deal with real problems and still manage to maintain levels of amazing-ness anywhere close to yours.

Don't feel like you are letting people down if you admit to having a hard time. You are human, and humans are inherently unstable creatures. We have ups, downs, in-betweens, blahs, you name it. What would be weird is if you really *didn't* struggle from time to time. You don't deserve to be ashamed of some list of things you haven't done, because you do indeed have tons to be proud of. I truly cannot fathom what it's like to have a child, to produce and nurture an awesome little life, that is something to overshadow any "un" you can come up with. There is still plenty of time ahead of you to set and meet new goals, school and job opportunities will always be there if you want to pursue them later.

Hang in there, Brie, please take care and treat yourself kindly.

kristin said...

Despite any 'un' things you are, Brie, I like you anyways! You are an amazing person no matter what. :)

Take care!

love, kristin

PS: Did you see Project Runway? Keith got eliminated! I was so bummed!

H said...

I have a lot of "uns" too, as well as put on a facade to please others. It sucks and is exhausting. Why do we dwell on these things and make ourselves crazy???? We're human, so I believe we'll always have "uns"....but I do think we're harsher on ourselves than anyone else would be.

Devon said...

Brie...I've said it all before...this whole inspirational crap - you're not sucking at it. You're not failing at life, at motherhood, wife stuff, etccccc. You're pretty much the coolest person I know.


PS - who cares if your hair is crusty...it adds character ;)

zubeldia said...

I am not a perfectionist AT ALL! So I hear you, love. And you're quite wonderful, of course... no need to compare yourself with ideals that don't exist, honey. I am finding that people who seem really really complete and perfect and oh-so-together, struggle like we do.

And does it help to know that I blow-dry my hair once a year on an especially cold morning when my hair would freeze as I walked to the car if it was still wet. I am entirely unkempt.

Love, Z

brie said...

You guys really are amazing. I was talking to my mom this morning and she was telling me that I'm lucky to have such awesome blogger friends who have so much wisdom. She loves to read all your comments because she is in awe of you. I am too. :)

brie said...

Yeah, Kath, Keith got kicked off. Boo! But he was totally sassing the judges, and they no likey people that do that. When he was talking back, I knew he was a goner. SAD!

Krista said...

I'm late commenting, but I think your great and push those negative thoughts out cause we all love ya.

Laura said...

sorry to give you the bad news on David...my husband claims this is PR covering up for him screwing around. He probably got caught (with a hooker, or MAN, or something just gross) and before the tabloids come out with the story, PR is saving his ass,and calling it an addiction.Or an aDICKtion! He is out of CUNTrol!

Who cares about him anyway...you, my dear, are UNbelievable...