Thursday, August 14, 2008

I could be an Olympian, because I’m Not a Pussy (and I'm Not Lying About the Fact I'm Over 15)

I think I may perhaps have a higher self-esteem than I thought; or maybe I have some grandiose and narcissistic tendencies I was previously unaware of. Now, in general, I’m definitely not a love-a of myself, but more of a hate-a. Holla!

However.

I’ve been watching the Olympics, and for some reason I think I could do everything as good as these seasoned, disciplined athletes, or maybe even better. I was watching the women swim last night, and they seemed like they were going so s l o w. And I’m thinking to myself, Why didn’t they ask me to swim with them? I could totally beat all their toned asses. And then, for a brief moment, I realize that I have the lungs of an 80 year old woman who has smoked 17 packs a day for 79 years of her life. My asthma is so bad; I can barely walk from the bed to the couch lest I collapse in a coughing fit before turning on the TV. But still. I could win a gold medal. I bet.

And gymnastics? Don’t even get me started on it. I have the grace of an antelope.
Wait, suck.
I don’t think antelope is the animal I’m going for, but I do know I’m searching for some sort of breed of deer. What’s it called? Okay, hold on, I’m going to Wikipedia this shiz up.
[7 minutes later]
Well, Google and Wikipedia suck. I can’t find the word I’m looking for. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? Suffice it to say, my 37 inch stems are the deer-est of them all.

But I refuse to attempt beam. I seriously hold my breath for their entire routine when the gymnasts are performing, except for China, because they’re winning everything and I’m getting sick of it and would love to see a really awesome fall, but with no injuries, because that would just be plain awful. (But I do love seeing fun Asians everywhere!) I don’t understand why people think walking and flipping and gyrating (Ha, I wish!) and spinning on a 4 inch beam raised off the floor is sane. It’s not. It’s absolutely not.

And don’t get me started on the age controversy of the Chinese gymnasts. They’re practically still fetuses. Their blue eye shadow and sparkles (that really, are in bad taste and don't work at all with their skin tone) cannot disguise the fact they still have baby fat on their faces, and no fat (or breasticles) anywhere on their body. Wtf, man?

You know, people talk a lot about how they feel so sorry for these athletes, because they don’t have a life, and they’ve trained their whole lives and were home-schooled and are probably socially retarded and are breaking their bodies down, and probably have never tasted sugar or white flour in their life, but man. Is my life any better? I’ve wasted my entire life on anorexia, trained – if you will – for years, and I’m breaking my body down, and until recently, I didn’t have sugar or white flour, and I’m borderline socially retarded (or at least socially phobic).

This is so depressing, this realization: I don’t get a gold medal for my endeavors.

Maybe I should have shot for the Olympics instead.

EDIT: Ah! I just remebered the deer word I was going for: Gazelle. I have the grace of a gazelle!! I LOVE GAZELLES!!!

29 comments:

emily said...

How can you not like the beam? Yes, the sparkles are weird. But, these are 12 year olds after all.

KC Elaine said...

yes, I was going for gazelle too. but now I resent them because of what's-her-face's comment in my essay about gazelles. Okay, gazelles are cool, I should forgive them. Yeah, what's with all the fetuses competing? I do sometimes wonder if I was going to get an ED anyway, why couldn't I have done ballet or gym or something...but whatevs. The pressure probably woulda made me crack when I was 12 instead of 16 or something.

emily said...

As a matter of fact, I remember us wearing some heinous white eyeliner and glitter goop in 7th grade.

Krista said...

Yeah those little underage *inappropriate racial slur* kids only look like they are nine or so. I wish I was born Chinese so I could look like a munchkin too. See you tomorrow!

brie said...

That white eyeliner...OMG, you're bringing up repressed memories. Seriously, Em, I'm going to put some on and post a pic on my blog so that you can yelp out loud and whimper on the floor.

I'm on it.

Emily said...

Ah, yes, the white eyeliner and sparkles days... I sort of remember them well. We thought we were SO cool. :)

I think the beam takes an incredible amount of talent... but you know what freaks me out? Uneven bars. Flipping around in the air, hoping you'll catch the bars on your way down.

My sisters were gymnasts (although not in the Olympic range of talent). Had I not had an eating disorder, I could have been a gymnast, too. But no. I was too physically weak to even attempt to walk to school, which was a mile away, not to mention doing a floor routine or charging down the vault strip. Instead, I was the high school team what's-it-called, you know, you're not a member of the team but you help out and organize events and stuff like that. I forget the name. Oh well.

brie said...

Emily, I believe you're talking about being a team manager. Right?

Cammy said...

Hmm, there are 10-15 species of gazelle, if I'm remembering correctly... I would highly recommend the Speke's gazelle, it has a badass inflatable nose. I also really like the Dibatag, it reminds me more of you, it's very elegant. It's also called the Clarke's Gazelle it's not really a gazelle, just closely related...but who wants to discriminate?
*crawls back into the science nerd closet*

Brett said...

Too bad there isn't an event for writing. . . maybe you'd win the bronze or something???

And what about wrestling? Remeber how we used to wrestle each other and have 3 rounds? I think that counts for something cause you used to be pretty good and would beat me all the time (up to the age of 10, anyway). Yay for Brie's wrestling skills!!

brie said...

Cammy, wow, talk about a science nerd! But I love it - that's incredible you know that much about all animals and bugs. Woah.

Brett - just the bronze in writing? Talk about a back-handed compliment, lol. And the reason I beat you in wrestling when we were kids is because I was 3 feet taller than you. You were a wimp and a shrimp!

Laura said...

I was a gymnast, and I wore white lightning eye liner, lip gloss, AND nail polish. And I was Asian. But only when in competition.

Laura said...

Oh, and I like this post, because I, too, always feel like I deserve a gold medal, in, well...something! Academy Awards piss me of, too. Where are OUR medals???????
Not fair.
Good post.

Brett said...

Bring it on string bean!!

jana bananas said...

Yay for gymnastics, boo for any cheating/lying about age. That one girl on the Chinese team looks like she's 12, tops. But anyhoo...

What I always wondered was why they (as in ALL of the teams) wear so many freaking barrettes in their hair. OK, I understand you want to keep your hair out of your face, but I don't think you need 10 clips in your hair to secure your ponytail.

brie said...

JB, I totally know what you mean about the barrettes. I was remarking on that the other night...the sparkly star and heart hair clips only make them look even younger (if that's even possible). And, maybe having 38947857 hair clips is "in style" for gymnasts? Maybe it's sort of the same thing when dancers hike up one pant leg...? (I never got that, either!)

Heather said...

I just came back from a family reunion with 29 other people running around creating all sorts of havoc and it was so nice to sit down and have a mighty good laugh while reading your blog! Due to being at our own version of the "olympics" at the family reunion (and yes, I've decided I wouldn't even qualify for the special olympics, so why would I even attempt the Claypool olymmpics? No clue).

Anyway, I've been quite out of the loop. I have no idea what's going on out there in China and am questioning if I even want to. However, I must admit, I AM a wee bit curious.

Oh, and by the way, you'd probably make an awesome, oh dang it, what's it called? Oh yeah...synchronized swimmer....you know, with your long legs and all. Wait a sec...is that even an event anymore? :)

Devon said...

Hah I loved it. I was going to suggest gazelles until I saw that you'd figured it out - go you!

Love you - let us play soon.

Kathy with a K said...

I'd like to photoshop you into a picture of the Chinese gymnastics team. Hell, if they can pass for 16, you can pass for 4'9". And you've been mistaken for asian, right? Quick, pull your hair back and snap in some groovy clips. I think you'll make it in time for the medal ceremony.

Penny said...

I figure all those hairclips are because they have to wear their hair back but of course, its too short. So why not grow it out? Why do they all have too short hair? Maybe long hair weighs too much and throws those little pre-teens off balance? Remember Brie, you had serious volleyball skills! One of your brothers had a numchuck, so does that count? Fun post and you gave me a gold medal laugh.

alana.rachelle said...

hey now, you and your posters are walking a thin line! not only am i chinese, under 5'4, a former gymnast, and look at least 8 years younger than my already tender age, i in fact wore "star clippies" in my hair for years! let's be honest, i still have small ones, but at least they're the same color as my hair! maybe the draw is in my DNA?! really though, i agree 100%. the chinese are absolutely lying about their ages. sad sad day for my people! but in better news- for being so young, my homegirls are damn good! haha and as devestated as i was to see us lose the gold to china, i figure that i'd rather it be to them than anyone else! :)

alana.rachelle said...

also... dissing a dancer's one pant up style?! what's the deal?! respect dude! we're freaking a-w-e-s-o-m-e! haha but don't worry, we can still be friends... for now! ;) xoxo

brie said...

K with a K! I'm totally going to do this. You might have to give me a bit of time, because I just woke up from my nap and my hubby is freaking out about me eating dinner (CHILL OUT HUSBAND) and I'm feeling a little flustered, but I'm SO taking a pic of me with blue eyeshadow and glitters, to boot! My olive skin and asian-ness is going to look amazing!!

brie said...

Alana, you have one thing they don't: you're really cool. and adorable. and SUPER FUN. But seriously, I love Chinese people, and it's true you got your distant distant relatives (? is this a stretch?) to be the gold-getters.

emmy. said...

i forwarded this entry to my mom because a) you're hilarious and have the same kind of humor she and i do, b) she feels the same exact way about the olympics.

she called me after just to tell me how funny you are ;)
seriously, how old are they?????

Cammy said...

Re: the science nerdom...I actually showed a lot of restraint and didn't commit the HUGE pedantic sin of expounding on the difference between a breed of deer and species of deer...or pointing out that gazelles are actually in the cow family, not the deer family...I'll save that for a rainy day, I guess. ;)

Loved the post, by the way, you are such a talented writer! You always make me laugh AND think.

brie said...

Shutup. How are GAZELLES in the COW family?? Seriously, you must expound!

Cammy said...

The family Bovidae, my friend, has a serious image problem. It's sad, really. Deer are in Cervidae, which are actually much less cool. Bovidae has everything from sheep and goats (which can actually hybridize) to water buffalo (which would seriously damage anything that attempted to hybridize with it).

Kathy with a K said...

Yeah, well the cows, sheep and goats can thank the gazelle for bringing some grace and athleticism to the family Bovidae.
There's no way the gazelle knows about this classification.

Cammy said...

Hopefully they don't realize it. I guess you could say they are the black sheep of the family, except that role is actually already taken by the real thing...
Ok, I'm officially cutting off the nerdom for the night and going to bed. Maybe I'll count bovids before I go to sleep. ;p