Sunday, August 10, 2008

I Want to Murder the Teletubbies

My little C has recently become enthralled with cartoons. Most any cartoon can keep him occupied for approximately four seconds before he wiggles his way off the sofa and demands I occupy his attention in a way that doesn’t allow me to do something really important around the house, like blogging.

Cartoons, more specifically, the cartoons that are geared toward toddlers, are designed in such a way as to grab their attention and hold it in an unrelenting grip. It is necessary for them to be devised in this way so that the brainwashing can begin. (I liiiiiikey watching a "thing" shaped like a wiener with ONE EYE. I promise, Mom, it's okay!)

Well, Cade and I are often snuggling together watching cartoons, and I’ve realized something humiliating: I can’t stop watching them. Now, don’t be confused, thinking that I like watching them. I do not. I can’t. For, just as these shows are designed as a mind trap for young, vulnerable minds, it is, I most humbly admit, a mind trap for yours truly. I have a weak mind.

This morning, as Dora the Explorer ended, (Why is the media attempting to teach my child Spanish when he barely understands English?) Teletubbies came on. I reserve a special, scorching, searing hatred (how’s that for alliteration!) for this mind snare than any other. And, because The World hates me, this evil show happens to be my son’s favorite (he can actually watch nearly the entire thirty minutes – GAG).

And I can’t stop watching it! My mind was simultaneously begging to look away and begging for more. I think I might have to ixnay the ellitubbiestay. They seem kind of shifty, almost like predators incognito. You never know what’s underneath those totally nast costumes.

I have no issue with Poe (the red one). She (He, perhaps? They have no genitalia as far as I can tell, and believe me, I’ve LOOKED.) is small and sweet and doesn’t make very many annoying noises (They don’t speak English, withstanding “tubby custard” and “buh-bye!”) other than that, they make grunts and high-pitched whatevers. I often worry about Poe, wondering if she (he?) is being molested by some of the other bigger ones, especially Tinky Winky. Dipsy and La La I’m going to overlook on this post, mooooostly because any issues I have with them are vastly overshadowed by my hella big problemo with Tinky to the Winky.

The Winkster is a predator. A pedophile in purple. I’m sure of it. I get a very creepy vibe from the tallest and manliest of the four. Brandon now affectionately refers to him as a teletouchy.

Why am I letting my son be drawn in by a pedophile, (he may not have genitalia, but I assure you of his guilt) and, to give you even more food for thought, why does this purple monster draw me in?

I should really grow up.

27 comments:

KC Elaine said...

hahaha I've seen these shows, they are as mesmerizing and perverse as reality tv! I hear ya - they really suck you - er, I mean, children - in!

Kathy with a K said...

I can't stand Teletubbies, Boobahs (truly a disturbed bunch), Thomas the Train, Barney and the most recent addition to my "i hate" list is WordWorld.
As for big-eyed, hair in a bob, bi-lingual Dora, I have a favorite story of my then 4 year old nephew screaming at the tv: "SPEAK ENGLISH!"

KC Elaine said...

hey girlie, I'd totally LOVES to take your picture, but I warn you I'm an amateur, unlike all the phtographers swarming around your hotness. can you come visit me in SD this month, or maybe Portland this fall? I'm serious!

alana.rachelle said...

when briezy goes to SD, i'm in! road trip?! :)

Elizabeth said...

I completely remember watching this show with my boys when they were small. Your post brought even the SOUND of it, their voices, back into my head. I'd like to say, thanks, but it'd be too sarcastic.

Thanks.

Laura said...

I can't really relate because I don''t allow my children to watch television.

LOL!!!!

Honestly? My kids can watch porn for all I care. Just so long as they leave me alone!

(what do you think Tinkie Winkie likes to do with the Nu Nu???)

Devon said...

Goodness - this did cause some obscene amounts of laughter!

Love you.

KC Elaine said...

alanalana (can I call you that?) I totally want you to come!

MommaMcCarthy said...

I agree wo-man. Teletubbies are creepy to the max. Hopefully they'll be off the air by the time my manbaby is old enough to notice them.

brie said...

Lol K, that is the funniest story ever about your sweet little nephew! I can't even imagine how confusing it must be for kids to not understand what the hellz is going on. :)

And Libby - I assure you, oh yes, that this evil show will still be on the air. It's a conspiracy. It will ALWAYS be on the air. Watch yourself...;)

brie said...

Oh Ky, I wish I could make a trip to you. :( Even if I had the money (which I don't) I don't have a babysitter. But we should plan it, definitely...it'll just take time to save up money and arrange a babysitter for the wee one.

Lana, you HAVE to come!! :)

Krista said...

I think the only show worse that Teletubbies is that freaky Yo Gabba Gabba. That skinny black guy with the orange fro is pretty creepy. However I do love the Backyardigans and have been known to watch it even after Jaxon leaves the room.

emily said...

Sorry, Libby-girl, but even if the Teletubbies get axed by the networks (or Brie) you still have to worry about the Boobahs who are worse still.

brie said...

My weak mind is very grateful that I have not yet encountered the Boobahs (or whatever they're called). What channel is it on? I need to make sure to avoid it!

Oh, and Krista? Don't even get me started on Yo Gabba Gabba. That red wiener on my blog is from that very show. I HATE it. Also, DJ Lance (the skinny black guy that's so thin, I swear he triggers me!) is the worst piece of man meat to ever grace God's green earth. I swear it.

alana.rachelle said...

teletubbies, boobah, and yo gabba gabba- no bueno! but i am actually a fan of the wonder pets. has anyone seen it? to this day if i randomly say "what's gonna work?" alexander and jaxon respond with "teamwork!" haha loves it!

and kyla, you can call me whatever floats your boat! i had a teacher in high school that called me "miss alana alana" after finding out that i'm from hawaii because she said it made her feel like she was from there too! haha

brie said...

Ooh, I love Wonder Pets too! I also don't terribly mind Miss Spider's Sunny Patch, but that frightens me, because when I do watch it, I kind of like spiders. And that's a very uncomfortable feeling...

Emily said...

I hate the teletubbies. I think that show is just stupid.

emily said...

Go to youtube and search the boohbahs.
I double dog dare you.
Then, to get the nasty taste out of your mouth search for maraka + snl.
Don't question. Just do it.

emily said...

Ok, I just performed my own search and fyi, click on the picture that looks like dora the explorer and a cat.

brie said...

emily, I'm sorry to use this word, but holy shit.

What the hell did you do to me, making me youtube Boobahs? Never do that again, you slut!

But I loved the Dora spoof - that was muy bueno!

Kathy with a K said...

http://www.boohbah.com/zone.html
Like teletubbies on acid.

Wonderpets rock! I also randomly break into song (with my four year old niece's intonation) "what's gonna work? teamwork!"

brie said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1FfL9_P5LE

Don't question it, just do it!

Do you know why my father left me?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

brie said...

Okay, I just finished watching another episode (I know) and it appears that Tinky Winky (the sick freak in purple) and Dipsy (the green one) are the two biggest, and appear to be male, because their voices are deeper. I bet those two smaller one's get POUNDED when the camera's off. Poor, poor sexual playthings. :(

Also: why is Dipsy african american (or whatever the teletubby equivelant is)? Any guesses? This is all quite mind-boggling. I fear I've opened up a major can of worms here.

brydelle said...

I was feeling all depressed and whatnot, and then I read your post, and it turn a perfectly good bad mood into me rolling on the floor, laughing unreservedly. Oh, man.

And I totally know what you mean about cartoons. They're lame. . . but I can't stop wanting them.

Brooke said...

Brie, be aware....I let Blake watch one tooo many "teletubbies" episodes and now he sounds like one! Be aware! But, it did keep him occupied!

p.s.And I do feel that I was more depressed over the few months he was watching.

Krystle said...

Hahahaha. They really are an odd lot! :)

Heather said...

The sad thing is that I don't even have kids and I (ashamedly) admit that I too have been drawn into the teletubby drama on occassion. How embarrassing...but seriously, when you're laying on the couch sicker than a dog and there's nothing on tv and you're just flipping.....well, what should suddenly appear on the screen, but big, odd-shaped, colored-creatures that giggle, squeak, and moan. It's like a freakin' drug. It's sickening, evil, and yet entirely enticing.