Tuesday, August 5, 2008

On Pregnancy, Pushing Giant Things out Your Vag, & why it’s Worth it


I read a post on one of my new favorite blogs, and I thought I’d copycat write a similar one as well, because I liked the idea oh so very much.

It is early December 2005. I’m urinating on a stick, because my boobs hurt, and I had to know if my eggo was prego. Of course I wasn’t! I was recovering from relapse number however-many-hundred-and two of the blasted ED, I had only been out of treatment for a few short months, and most importantly, I. WAS. NOT. OVULATING. I mean, I thought the math was simple:



Doing the nasty + Laying your eggs or whatever + spermy reaching your egg = PREGNANCY

I swear it didn’t work that way for me. So, here I am peeing on my stick, thinking, there’s no way you’re pregnant, calm down, this is just to confirm what you already know.

The box says you’re supposed to wait two minutes for the pee to sink in or ferment or do whatever it does, but it didn’t even take that long. My stick was gloating at me, leering at me, tittering YOU’RE PREGNANT YOU’RE PREGNANT YOU’RE PREGNANT MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Apparently I don't know jack. I blanched, and my hand started shaking. I was pregnant. I was freaking pregnant. I was not supposed to be physically able to have a baby. (Didn’t you need your periods to have a baby?) (And yet.)

Brandon spoke first. Honey, we’re gonna have a baby. It was said quietly, almost reverently. The look I gave him was not very reverent. You did this to me, you bastard! And, with that, I shoved him out of the bathroom and started crying.

And thus began my pregnancy.

I assure you, my dear readers, I acclimated to the idea of a little spawn of me and my hubby, but it took a bit of time. I was scared of the normal things that normal mothers worry about, like will I be a good mom? Will I be able to keep him/her alive, like I am unable to do with my Ficus? Will he get all of mine and Brandon’s worst traits and look revolting? And will I care? But, on top of it all, I also had the damn eating disorder to worry about. What if I didn’t eat enough? And worse, what if I didn’t want to eat enough? What if my baby was somehow harmed or came out unfinished-like if I didn’t get enough nutrition for him?

But, I was committed to doing it – whatever IT was. I had not eaten normally or anything even close to it for, oh, six years or so. What if I was shallow enough to worry about my expanding waist more than the well-being of my child?

Luckily, it didn’t turn out that way. I felt a connection right away with Cade, and knew, even then, that I would protect his well-being with everything I had in me, no matter the cost to me or anybody else. So embark on eating and getting hella big I did.

And it wasn’t easy. But often, life isn’t. But you do it anyway, you know?

My pregnancy was not an easy one. I didn’t gain any weight at all until I was 25 weeks pregnant. In fact, at my 16 week mark I had lost 16 POUNDS since I had found out I was pregnant. Call it what you want: some of you I daresay are thinking that I didn’t eat enough for Cade, but I’ll shrug off your assumptions, because I know the truth. I know that I ate for the welfare of my son, because I would never do anything so selfish as to withhold food and life from him. So why the weight loss? I dunno. Maybe one of life’s cruel jokes? That the only time I was not trying to lose weight is when it was easiest to? Stupid, cruel irony.

Also, my muscles and organs were still recovering from my last relapse. My body was having a hard time dealing with the giant watermelon invading my temple. And then, at 32 weeks, I went into the ER for a little light painkiller, you know, just Morphine (by this point, Cade was so far into my back that he was moving ribs around back there. It’s like, oh sure, shack up wherever you want, kid. Why don’t you make yourself at home, rearrange furniture, do whatever you need, no problem. Brandon would have to try to massage pound my ribs into place every night as I screamed. I went to a physical therapist three times a week so they could tape my ribs into place. So, as I went to the hospital that night for some Morphine to ease the unrelenting, worst kind of pain, I also realized I was contracting. Frequently. And I was dilated to a three. And I was already 95% effaced.

And thus I was put on bed rest.

The doc gave me these giant steroid shots in my bum cheeks, so at 36 weeks he told me I could get up, walk around, squat or lunge like crazy, do whatever I wanted, because Cade would be okay if he came.

And then, quite stubbornly like the kid he is today, he just…refused.





Seriously people. My doc induced me at 39 weeks. I swear Cade did it just to be a pain. And my delivery was not a piece of cake. Everybody told me that once you had your epidural; it was kind of like bada-bing bada-bang and voila! A little baby! Yeah, no. There was much screamage and panting and telling the nurses to “shut the hell up.” (Yes, that is a direct quote.) I didn’t deliver Cade with an epidural, (long, sad, sad story) and I was literally thirty seconds from a c-section. They ended up having to pull Cade out of my vag with some salad prongs, (yes, that is indeed their scientific name) and his head came out looking like a can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.

My doc (who I am in love with very fond of) told me that by judging my size told me that Cade would be four, maybe five pounds. Yeah, he was off. BY THREE POUNDS. My little fatty was almost eight pounds! Anorexia, take that, ya giant a-hole. My baby most certainly was not anorexic looking.










So, earlier than I anticipated, I am a mother. I am a mother of the most aggravating, exciting, adventurous, loving, snuggleable, sweet little piece of perfection. He will always be my man. My sweet, angelic baby man. Even on the days when I kind of turn a bit immature and fight with him over who gets the last piece of chocolate licorice, he’ll be my little sweetie. Even when he stops wanting to kiss me and kiss other girls instead, he’ll always be MINE. Mine mine mine.

And I am so blessed. So, Cade, two years down, and I hope so, so many more to come.



Happy birthday, buddy.

24 comments:

KC Elaine said...

what a beautiful tribute!

kristin said...

Awww! That was beautiful, Brie. :)

love, kristin

Penny said...

Written by me who was there for most of all that, you have captured the essence of what you and hubby and God did. I honored you then, your fighting spirit and your body that fought to grow that beautiful baby. I still do, for you are still fighting, this time for yourself to overpower ED and throw him once and for all overboard and down to hell. (little dramatic i know but your blog was so dramatic that i am in the mood). Great tribute for Mothers everywhere!

Tiptoe said...

Lovely post. It is so obvious the joy Cade brings into your life. Pregnancy might have been a hard battle, but the end result was so worth it.

Krista said...

I don't know how you did it without an epidural!!! I see those naturalistic women on A Baby Story and my vag hurts for them. Cade is one gorgeous man child.

Heather said...

An amazing story, yet again! I think Cade is an incredible blessing......

zubeldia said...

happy birthday, little man!

My sister just had a baby last night! He's called Archie :)

What a lovely mummy you are, Brie Brie.

Cammy said...

Wow, great story! I have so much respect for ANYONE that raises a child even in the best of circumstances, you should really be proud that you were able to deal with other issues and stay strong enough to produce a healthy, beautiful baby. That last picture really shows how much his eyes look like yours, by the way! I hope he has a great birthday!

Krystle said...

Love it!!!! ♥

Courtney said...

I hear ya on the getting pregnant without the "necessary" period thing! It makes me want to go show off my pregnant belly to all those docs who told me I'd never conceive. It's truly amazing how resilient the human body is--not only ours, but our babies as well.

Carrie Arnold said...

Brie,

You're an amazing mom. Cade is lucky to have you (and Brandon)- and you him! Hugs to the three of you.

brie said...

Krista, the whole epidural thing was awful. The tried to put it in initially, and couldn't do it - I was too thin - and it was the most awful kind of pain while they were poking it around back there. However, they FINALLY got it placed, only to lie to me and turn it off because they said I was too numb and not "accurately" pushing hard enough. They only told me they were turning it down, yeah, NO. They turned it OFF. Holy crap, I seriously thought I was going to die. I never wanted, nor did I plan, to have Cade without something to numb the pain. I would never recommend it, lol.

Emily said...

Oh Brie, that tribute to your son was beautiful. And may I say, just once again, that you are so strong to have defied anorexia and to have eaten enough to deliver a beautiful, healthy boy.

Shannon said...

He really is so sweet and clearly you are an amazing mom. There are plenty of days I have to convince myself that I love my whiny, fit-throwing 2 year old. It's nice to be reminded why they are worth it when they only want you to snuggle them when they are sad and they bug you all day to play with them. Cade is such a cutie. Glad you are enjoying the ride! :)

emily said...

Happy Birthday, kid. You have one hell of a mommy.

Jackie said...

Oh B,
This post was so touching. You are truly amazing Brie; not only as a person, but as a mother. Your dedication to Cade is so inspirational - to be able to put ANYTHING before the bastard ED is hard but you did it. You ARE doing it with your commitment to weight gain. You give me hope that when/if I ever am able to become a mother, I will have the ability to do so. What a beautiful little boy you have Brie and what a lucky little boy he is to have YOU as his mommy :)

Love,
Jax

Laura said...

Very cute pictures of you and Cade. You look adorable..I carried my children in my ass, and my full beard, alone, weighs 16 pounds.

Your husband must have super, special, fast swimming, determined sperm. What a guy! He has it all!

What did you do for Cades bday? You should have called me, and I would have made his cake! Next year...

Charlynn said...

This is so beautiful. What a wonderful, loving tribute to your son. :)

Kathy with a K said...

Happy Birthday Cade!

Birth stories never get old. Just today at work, a bunch of us were recounting our labor/delivery experiences. (to the disgust of the one who has not had a child and was trying to eat her lunch)

Just think, you have it all to look forward to again should you have another child! woo hoo.

Abby said...

Cade is adorable beyond all reason. He is awe-inspiringly adorable. He is astonishingly adorable. He is overwhelmingly adorable. Wow.

Also, thank you for always making me smile.

alriggells said...

That was beautiful and amazing. I can't even tell you how much I truly appreciate you posting this. Not only has the story of your son inspired me to keep on going, but the love, the desire, the you in it has given me hope once again. You are a brave women. I just have one question that I was thinking of and wondering while reading this, did this help you know some of your identity, cause I heard so much of it in there. I love ya girl

Lisa said...

Thanks for the beautiful, uplifting post.

still bulimic said...

hi brie. i've seen you around the blogs, although i'm not sure we've ever officially crossed paths...you're a beautiful writer, and this post was amazing. thank you for so bravely sharing your story!

Tanya said...

Brie,

This is such a beautiful blog. I can only hope I can be as strong as you when I finally become a mother...pregnant or whatever...of course thats a long way off since I am not even in a serious relationship lol. You are so amazing. And you have an amazing little family.