Thursday, August 7, 2008

gyNOOOO!!

This morning was my dreaded annual check up (more like check down) with my gyno. Technically, it’s actually been two years since I was last, well, probed, and he finally tracked me down and forced me to come. These lovely appointments always include, but are not necessarily limited to

-pap-smearage
-boob checkage
-ripping away all my dignity and self-esteem, not to mention my personal space
-putting me in a constant state of worry over my body size and/or potential bodily smell
-lecturing me on my body weight

Is it supposed to feel like casual chit-chat when your gyno tells you that a normal breast feels like cottage cheese stretched over a water balloon? Is it worsened by the fact he is saying this while he is actually, at that very awful, prolonged, agonizing moment, feeling me up and squishing my cottage cheese beneath his fingers? And why am I worrying if my cottage cheese feels nice? And does cottage cheese feel different over different water balloons? (At this point, I may have entirely been dissociating.)

And is it natural to feel fat when he’s checking your ovaries and uterus and tells you that you have plenty of room in there”?
I certainly did.

I can’t complain, though, because really, in the end, it was this man who safely brought this little guy into the world.



And, in gratitude, I suppose I can endure some awkward boob and va jay-jay talk.
I owe him.
A lot.

Oh, and speaking of, well, breasticles, Cade said to me today as I was changing, Mama’s boobs! After wondering for a brief, albeit enraged second where he learned that word, I firmly said, No, it’s Mama’s chest. Her CHEST. He then replied, very reverently, Mama’s chest. It’s preeeetty.

At least it was my son, and not my gyno, who told me my chest was pretty.

And, very, very gratefully, my son made no mention of cottage cheese.

19 comments:

Jordan and Amy said...

HA! You're such a dork.. I love how honest you are. Guys have it so easy, don't they? One time I went to the Gyno around 4:30 and she kindly told me that all of the small tongs had been used since it was the end of the day. So she went ahead and used the LARGE tongs and I thought I was going to pass out. Wish me luck on giving birth eh?

Emily said...

I get my yearly pap smears done by my regular physician, who is thankfully a female. I hate those pap smears. I don't know if I should make the switch to a gynocologist for that particular procedure / boob checkage / etc. I'm not too concerned about it. I'm sure my physician does a fine job.

Katherine said...

haha, i love cade!!

Devon said...

In actuality...it was prob. you in terms of where he learned the word, silly goose. Teehee - now you have a chest and it's pretty...so what's not to love?

Glad the pokage wasn't too excessive.

brie said...

No, Dev, I swear he didn't learn it from me! I never say naughty words (boobs included) around him. I'm always very conscious of saying chest. I can hardly utter the word breast, for it makes me feel ill. I wonder if Brandon is the culprit? It's likely.

emily said...

You made me snort at my desk. Mommy's chest! te he! I'm glad you are able to write about the gyno. I had my appointment a few weeks ago, wrote about it and promptly decided I should not post it. Maybe I should...

Devon said...

Good call - I'm all about putting it on Brandon (sorry buddy)

Anyhoo - who could hate his cute-ness for uttering such words? Cade is far too good with the ladies to get him in trouble over this. You know it to be true.

Loves

Laura said...

Thanks for the reminder B-have no been to the gyn in two years. yikes. Better make myself an appt.
as for Cade...good boy! He's a breast man. Fantastic.
Nice to be called pretty...Belle told me this morning that when I walked around in my bra I was disgusting. I'll take pretty over disgusting!

(and hey, have you found me a house yet?)

Brandon said...

What ever happened to the days where a husband coud shoot a man for fondling his wife? Now a man fondles my wife and I pay him and then he gets payed as well by someone else who I am also paying. At least I can sleep knowing that it wasn't good for her. I still think I should at least get to have a 1-2-3 draw and shoot with the man at sun-down tonight! Although he may have the upperhand on me if it came to a shoot-out, I hear he is good with his trigger-finger.

brie said...

My husband is a dirty, dirty man.

alana.rachelle said...

oh brandon! that is hilarious! i'm thinking gyno-no, no, no, no, NO! haha

zubeldia said...

oh my! Isn't it awful.. and when the person feeling you up is just chatting to you as though this was completely NORMAL. Geesh.

I am well overdue for all of the above. I used to go to a OBGYN since my old doc was a male (who I had a crush on.. much too weird) and now I have to face this with Deb... ouch, yuck, gross.

I am so unbelievably modest about all things bodily. I mean, I am English, and everything, but really, I just cringe and want to die when anyone even hints that I have woman parts :-)

Stacy said...

and as the sacrament is being passed on Sunday there is announcement from Cade "mommies chest is pretty" I can't wait til Haylie can talk. The stuff kids say cracks me up.

The Gyno doc is such a fun experience, I mean really they are majorly exporing the body parts your use for very private activities. I freak about size and smell as well. I mean I am very hygenic all the time but I go major overboard before a Gyno/OB exam.
Than you give birth and your vag is a side show and everyone has taken a peek. such is life.

UPside... they don't poke you butt to check your special parts. I am so glad I don't come with a prostate :o)

Kathy with a K said...

Imagine being the gyno. (!!) Just another day at work?? I love hearing "Just scoot down a little."
Oh, you mean like 2 inches from your face?!!

Zubeldia, thanks for letting us (who don't know you) know that you're British! I will now read all your comments with British accent.

Devon said...

I do indeed adore your husband's mind - it works in ways I wish mine always would.

Ahhh dirty

brie said...

Wanna know a secret? The reason my breasticles are supposed to feel like cottage cheese smeared all over a WATER BALLOON is because I literally, well, have water balloons in there. Just really expensive ones. Hmmmm...so what does a "normal" one feel like? Will someone feel themselves up and let me know?

Gracias.

Shannon said...

Lovely. I hate when they do the breast exam. Awkward. Also awkward when your 2 year old son stares intently at your chest (we call it chest too). At least Cade thinks yours is pretty. :) BTW it was good to see you and I'm glad you got to see the newbie. Sorry it was kind of a stressful moment since Cade was sad.

Keely said...

ha ha ha! I LOVED kathy with a k's comment. Seriously... Never having had a kid myself, I can only shudder at what it's like to give birth and have everyone looking down there at frequent intervals. My sis had a baby and she said that right before she was about to give birth, a while CLOWN CAR of residents and students started flowing into the room, introducing themselves and looking at her naked bottom half. I don't care how sweaty faced, tired, etc I would be. I don't care who you are, get out!!!

My ob/gyn is sooo nice. No weird conversations (I have never heard of cottage cheese boobs) but there is minimal awkwardness. (Well, outwardly...)

I would answer your question brie but my embarassment at commenting has gotten the better of me. :)

Katherine said...

brandon, you have a dirty dirty mind, and i love it! haha, couldn't stop laughing.

and brie, my dear, i am putting this out there for you and the whole world to read (you really had better love me) but no, my breasticles do not particularly feel cottage cheesish nor have they ever been explained as such...i suppose i could see where that would come from, but im still going to go with a no from me;-)