Thursday, February 11, 2010

Yogacize

So I’m yogacizing every Wednesday night, and wait hold on can I just say that this yoga (or as Cade would say, “Oga”) class is not what I anticipated it to be? Yoga’s ‘sposed to be all about finding your center and the universe within, like, your bowels, and relaxation and breathing techniques, etc, but I can never do any of these things because I am too busy doing a) focusing on not passing out from the frequent cycling from downward facing dog to cobra to tabletop to plank then down again, b) not looking like I’m having a seizure because my muscles are shaking from exhaustion, c) worrying about my arse size in all of this, then giggling to myself as I think of the line from Saved: “Hey Hilary Faye, I can see your pad!”
...I mean, if push came to shove, I’d have to say that yoga is anything but relaxing. And I was nurturing my soul or whatever like my instructor was telling me to do, you know, not going into full-on positions if they were not comfortable, and still, my dear readers, Mama struggled, mostly because I don't understand how I have a universe inside me, and actually being kind to myself is kind of a new concept too, cackle cackle.

...And then at the end, when we were relaxing and being kind to ourselves and the universe and practicing compassion I guess, I was laying on my back with my eyes closed, hands at the heart, trying to recover and look less beat up than I felt. And suddenly – suddenly I feel this HAND ON MY FACE and I yelped. Loudly. And it echoed in that big room while we were supposed to be having a moment of silence. And it was the instructor putting a warm cloth on my head that smelled like lavender, and I was so embarrassed I was all about to go R.A.D. on her ass, but what was I supposed to do, I mean someone came up behind me and TOUCHED MY FACE without me expecting it. I mean, right? And then it sucked cuz I was embarrassed and plus I’m allergic to lavender, and when we were done and did the Namaste thing, I looked around, and every other student (of about 2 dozen or so) had lavender head-wraps, and only I’d screamed and gotten ready to go all Rambo on my instructor's 4’3” petite adorable ‘lil self.  PS  Her name is D and she's cute as a button and I like HULK over her and when she introduced herself to me and held out her hand, I swear my giant bear paw was like 485747 times bigger than her little thumbelina-sized one and when I shook it I swear I almost like CRUSHED it.  CRUSHED it!  Brie is a tall glass of water, and Girlfriend is like a shot.

At any rate.

Not sure if I’m going to continue the class, or just run instead. I normally love yogacizing but this feels more like yogastressing. Ideas? Discuss.

23 comments:

Kerri said...

Was this the first class you have gone to? If it was, give it more time! I can't go to classes because of my anxiety (social) I would never even get myself to go alone and I have no one to go with lol. I can say though that with other things I have done (college), I had to get into a routine of going, being with the same instructor, being with the same class, before I could finally feel okay with being there. And you know, your instructor probably felt all self conscious of her short tiny self as you did of your tall self. I am tall too, but when I have said anything to that effect to my much shorter friends, they always say how they have anxiety too over meeting tall people, all the opposite reasons we have for being tall, lol. And I totally would have freaked if someone touched my face when I was just laying there with my eyes closed! Maybe the others had already been in her classes and expected it?

brie said...

k, this is definitely not my first yoga class, though this is only my 2nd class with said teacher...

Ally Cox said...

I used to take yoga classes at my gym with my sister-in-law! I would have to say the best part of the class was that people would involuntarily fart! I never did, at least not a loud one that people heard. But lots of people did! I found myself getting a really good core work-out cause I was trying to keep my laughing to a minimum when really I just wanted to roll on the floor laughing my ass off! Good Luck Brie!

brie said...

omg ally people farted out loud?! haha that would be AMAZING to witness! the only farting i've ever heard (and done, hee hee)in yoga was every wednesday night when we had yoga in treatment, all of us girls on weight gain and tons of boost would be farting and rolling all over the place. ah, good times, good times...;)

Kerri said...

That's what I meant- with this teacher- but it didn't come out that way. New teachers and classmates give me anxiety.

And people seriously fart in yoga class?? That's hilarious. I had no idea. :)

Laura said...

I hate yoga.
HATE IT.
I hate everything about it.

I have PANIC ATTACKS in calss, and I feel like I am going to pass out. All that fucking breathing...hate it. And the panting...so stupid. An the CHANTING....what an ASS I felt like.

People encourage me to do yoga and meditate all of the time. (must be my anger issue tipping them off?)

Personally, I prefer to run for a work out, and go to church to meditate. Only one farting in church is my kid.

brie said...

laura: hee,hee.

Kara said...

I second Laura - I HATE yoga with a passion. I mean, sure you feel great afterwards, but getting to the "afterwards" is a living hell. Yoga - relaxing - um NO. At CFC I used to fake migraines so I wouldn't have to go. Ha ha.

brie said...

Kara, you made me laugh. I always faked migraines to get out of nia.

AAAAH NIA SHOOT ME NOW! (i don't like pretending like my arms are scarves. please mommy no!)

kelly anne said...

this is why i do yoga at home. with a dvd. in my room. by my lonesome! that way you don't have to worry if you look like you're about to pass out, or how your body compares to everyone else... plus! no weird things being put on your face with out permission. :) AND you can go at your own pace. i think it's much more relaxing....

standing in the rain said...

maybe try a new class/teacher? some yoga classes are tootally bizzaro to me, and then some are freakin' awesome. a lot of it (to me) depends on the teacher and her philosophy. the really "out there" ones who are all into weird shit freak me out. then there are normal-ish ones who are cool.

idk. maybe give it more time?

Lindsay said...

You could always get a yoga video and do it at home...that way nobody will touch your face with lavender stuff without you knowing. I would have been mad...lol.

bananas said...

OK, I'll share with the group my deep dark secret. I think one of the main reasons I avoid yoga is because I would be that person that farted, for sure.

Ally Cox said...

You know what's funny about the farting? This one day when we were in class there was this older guy that decided to join. He had never been there before. Anyways, he ended up letting out this huge fart but he acted as if nothing had happened. Of course I am in the back acting like a 6 year old trying not to bust out laughing. The teacher then says, "thats right everyone, we are here to relax our bodies, minds and souls. No worries if normal bodily functions occur. That is our bodies way of telling us its relaxed." I was so tense from trying not to laugh I thought I was gonna pee. I figured if I did I could just blame it on my body, mind and soul being completely relaxed, but luckily, I held it in! Oh it makes me laugh just thinking about it! I need to return to yoga class just for the comedy of it all!

elizabeth said...

There are lots of different kinds of yoga and yoga teachers. You probably know that since it sounds like you've done yoga before. I think it's smart to try out different people/places and find what's comfortable and relaxing for you. I hopped around to 5 different yoga places until I found the right fit for me. It's important to feel good during and after yoga. Good luck.

Gena said...

I tried yoga once. I almost died. And got a terrific headache out of the deal. And I was at home, so it didn't matter if I farted and looked stupid, which I did.

I don't think I enjoy yoga much.

Katilexis said...

for some reason i think yoga is just... freaking hard. its soooo not relaxing. id rather sleep.

running is much better.

Kara said...

Brie, I totally got caught faking migraines and my punishment was having to go to all the optional morning (5:45am!) exercise classes. Talk about backfire!

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Haha I'm glad to find someone else with similar sentiments towards yoga...I thought I'd give it a try back in the day when it became all trendy n all and frankly...I did not like it at all...nopers. I'm more of a dance like you're hot, sexy, and crazy (and maybe a lil inebriated) as my form of exercise.

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Haha I'm glad to find someone else with similar sentiments towards yoga...I thought I'd give it a try back in the day when it became all trendy n all and frankly...I did not like it at all...nopers. I'm more of a dance like you're hot, sexy, and crazy (and maybe a lil inebriated) as my form of exercise.

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

Oh man, I love yoga, but I find that I hate most yoga classes. As soon as the instructor starts talking about "the universe inside me," my eyes start rolling so hard that I wonder if it's possible to sprain your eyeballs. And I even BELIEVE a lot of that New Age stuff. But still, the eyeballs - they roll.

But! I really really really love Rodney Yee's Yoga Burn DVD. (Actually any of his DVDs, but that one's my fave.) It's about an hour long: the first half is good for building muscle and the last half is stretching (so sometimes I just do half). And there is a lot of "focus on your breathing" and "focus on your body," but absolutely NO "focus on being one with the universe." I LOVE it. (Besides, yoga hasn't ever made me fart, but if it DID, the only place I'd want to be is in my home. Alone.)

Just a thought.

Marste

tracy said...

Best. Description. Of. Yoga. Ever.


Namaste.

tracy said...

i love your family pictures.

Kendall Penny. Makes me want to cry.