Wednesday, February 3, 2010

God Bless the Broken Path

Treatment-wise things are going well. I weigh more than I have in five years. I am following my MP (er, more or less) and I am making strides in therapy that I’ve always avoided. At times I feel like I’m being bullied into taking that leap of faith, but let’s be honest, maybe ‘dis girl needs a bit of inducement – even if it’s in the form of a little bit of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of my deteriorating health, fear of being “that one girl” who is a lifer, who never recovers.

Part of me is terrified of my new body, of its curves and its extra extra somethin somethin, but also a part of me is thinking YES YES wow I’m doing it. I’m finally showing the world and myself that I am willing to let go of my eating disorder; that I am willing to see if there is more to me than a low BMI and an even lower number on the scale. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying. It’s beautiful.

I’m so proud of myself when I allow myself to realize that I am doing this outpatient, because so many times when I’ve had a tremendous amount of weight to gain, I get thrown in IP treatment and am forced to do it with the help and mandatory eating of huge huge holy crap HUGE meals. But this is me; this is MY choice, finally. This is my doing, not my IP therapist and dietician who are forcing me to eat. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing, but this time I’m not going to question it to the point of changing my mind. I’m trying to put faith in God and in my treatment team. I’m realizing that maybe my way has been the wrong way for a long time now. I think it’s time to try a new path, even if it’s a bit broken and fragmented. A new way of doing things; a new way of surviving than a poetically ironic way that doesn’t kill me at the same time I believe it is saving me.

I’m a work in progress. And I hope the finished product is something I can be proud of. And now, for the first time in almost ten years, I’m at least willing to find out.  To try.

So.  Go me.

32 comments:

Laur said...

I like what you said "maybe my way wasn't the right way." I think that describes my life's journey in a lot of ways. Giving up that control is the hard part...Thanks for the insight. You rock.

Jessie said...

Good for you! I'm so glad to read this--I've read your blog for awhile but never commented before :) I know for me I always resisted recovery because I felt like I was being bullied into it and I wanted to do it all my way--which like you said, wasn't the right way at all. And when I finally did gain the weight I needed to, I did it outpatient too so it's definitely possible. You are such an amazingly strong person and I really admire your writing!

Katannah said...

Go you, indeed. :-) Hope the book is going well too.

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Good for you... Keep going! :)

Maggie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
licketysplit said...

It is absolutely beautiful. That you are experiencing the pain and the fear and pushing through it because of what you love and what you are passionate about. Way to go! You should be very proud! :o)

brie said...

hey all, thanks for the support and encouragement. i'm glad you're as excited as i am...well i'm terrified too, but that's okay. :)

Eating Alone said...

Whenever I say I want to do it my way my therapist always asks "So how's that been working out for you so far?" Then I mumble something and try it her way. Not all the time, I've not been complient this week but I'm working on it. Real food all day today!

I'm glad you are doing it for you not just to get released from a hospital.

Maeve said...

Wow! You should be proud of yourself! The fact that you have been working so hard to recover even though you've had a lot of suffering lately says a lot about you.

Reading your story reminds me that recovery is something good. Something worth fighting for. Thank you for that.

kristin said...

Go Brie! You can do it! :)

agoraphob said...

hi brie,

(my first comment on your blog. yay me)

I just want to say congrats on the huge step you have taken.

Early in my recovery I was excited to begin this journey. That lasted only a short time (seriously, couple days) before I was scared out of my mind. TERRIFIED.
But I kept going and it sounds like you are doing the same, even though you are scared.

I have been in numerous treatment centers, but recovered as an outpatient. I had the same fears as you about being a lifer and it pissed me off. Recovering as an outpatient made me more confident and sure of myself, more trusting that I could handle this on my own. It doesnt work for everyone, but it sounds like you are doing great.

anwyay, good luck on your journey!!

brie said...

yes, it does seem that most recover as an outpatient. i think this is largely because for the month or two or three or six or whatever you are IP, you are learning new behaviors, new coping skills, etc, to deal with the ED, but once you're out and back in the real world, that's when it's time to apply it and really go for it. i also think that since recovery is a very long process, it takes much more time than recovering for the short time you are IP - i mean in comparison to your whole life, obviously the v a s t majority is spent OP, lol, so that's where it usually happens.

does this even make sense? oh well!

Heather Lindquist said...

It's definitely terrifying. Being as stubborn as I am, and oh-so-resistent to authority and being controlled and TOLD I have to do something just never quite worked for me. Relapsing was my signature in life, simply b/c of this "control factor" of mine. Although recovery, and gaining weight on my own, was exceptionally hard, I realized that doing it "on my own" was actually the key. (I know this isn't true with everyone...but it was certainly true with me). I finally felt that "control" I so craved and longed for (no longer in a "sick" way, but in a healthy and pro-life kind of way), and I finally felt like a "grown-up" instead of a child being forced to do something I didn't want. I felt powerful, insightful, and responsible. At first, I didn't like the fact that I was making myself gain weight, but I DID like the fact that I could do it of my own free will....and succeed. It's no easy task, and it took YEARS of perseverance, set backs, and personal growth, but it happened. Figuring out who I was in the midst of it was also incredibly revealing. I didn't like so many aspects of who I had been with the ED (selfish, often mean-spirited, pessimistic, dishonest, a control-freak...in the bad kind of way, and incredibly weak and scared). I also wasn't sure I even liked who I was becoming without the ED, but eventually I realized that I was just terrified of this unknown territory that I had avoided since I was, like, 12! It was awkward and strange and uncomfortable. But now I can look back and know with certainty that it was SO WORTH IT!!!! I proved everyone wrong who said I couldn't do it....couldn't gain on my own and ultimately be recovered...and yes, that gives me somewhat of a sick sense of pride, I admit. I'm so FAR from perfect even now that I'm recovered....but I'm so much happier, and living a life that is true and real and honest. You can totally do this Brie. You'll be pleasantly surprised (through the whole process) of how strong you are, how much happier your soul is, and you too will find great pride in the fact that you are powerful and can do anything you set your mind to. It'll still be hard....F-ing hard at times, but you'll ultimately kick ass and win. I wish we could know each other now...instead of when we first met and were both sick out of our minds at CFC. Those were bad times, but good times are here now, and I'm so excited to read your words in a year or two's time, and discover all the fun and new qualities you've always pocessed, but the ED held back from you and all of us!! The impact recovery makes is breathtakingly beautiful...on both your life and those who know and love you. I can't wait!!

brie said...

wow heather! thank you SO MUCH for the comment - it was so insightful and really made sense and helped me. i, too, wish i could know better this "other heather" but even back when i knew you, you were still amazing. i'm glad we maintain some semblance of a relationship still, and i'm glad that you are happy and doing well. xoxo

Toby said...

Um. I just now saw your photo with the GIANT FLOWER HEADBAND. No words to describe how I love it.

You're looking beautiful, as always. Congratulations on your recovery, you sound like you're doing awesome.

lisalisa said...

Brie you are awesome! NO CHANCE you will be a lifer!

Ruby Converse and Curls said...

You go girl! I so admire your kicking major ED booty despite the anxiety and absolute terror. I can relate to the difference of weight gain and recovery IP vs OP. Over the course of all my experiences inpatient I felt felt forced and like my control was being taken away. This resulted in me being a psycho defiant biznatch, totally resistant. The situation became more me vs. "them" rather than me vs. ED. Outpatient, while I'm still scared and feel like I'm losing control at times, I'm choosing to give it up for a better life rather than feeling like it's being taken from me.
Ah, sorry for the uber longness! In conclusion, you are a rockstar. ;) When are happy and healthy you will know that it was all YOU, that no one else can take credit for your strength and bravery.

Rachael*

Heather Lindquist said...

Oooo! I know this has totally nothing to do with your post, but I was looking at the books that you've been reading down below the lovely "traveling pad" pic....did you ever finish Water for Elephants? I loooooved that book. I also read Weight of Silence.....a bit predictable, but still good. I'm about to start Almost Moon. Oh....I'm such a book nerd! Heretic's Daughter is really good too. Okay...I'm done. My husband doesn't enjoy reading and I just CAN'T FATHOM THAT....so, I'm like a kid in a candy store when I can finally converse with someone who loves books as much as me!!

Brandon said...

I love you wife. You are truly where no Brie has gone before. Picutre me cruising!!! You know what I mean.

belinda said...

courageous!
it takes the most amazing faith and courage to do what you are doing. to do it OP also shows you that YOU can do this. the most important part is that you want this. oh brie, i'm so happy for you. this is inspiring.

x

belinda said...

courageous!
it takes the most amazing faith and courage to do what you are doing. to do it OP also shows you that YOU can do this. the most important part is that you want this. oh brie, i'm so happy for you. this is inspiring.

x

allegri said...

Go Brie! I'm so proud of you! You can do it!!! Your perserverance gives me strength.

Kara said...

I feel like I can really relate to this post. I am terified and very fearful, but I am finally willing to go down another path - a new path. You are very inspirational.

Steph said...

Brie this is bringing so much joy to me today. I love this post and am so glad you are doing so well. Your enormous flower is adorable and your zest for life is even more adorable. Sending lots of strength and love your way. Oh and I'm a little late but won't forget Kendall either. She was a precious little being and will never ever be forgotten. Take care!

"Julia" said...

You are so amazingly strong. Keep going, Briester! You can do it!

now.is.now said...

You own your own process this time. That is such a huge thing. This recovery is yours. You own it. It is your choice. And you will succeed. You already are succeeding.

t. said...

i am so glad you are making progress and that it's by your own choice. i am excited for you and so, so happy to read that you are doing well. keep it up!

Lou Lou said...

yes!!!!!!
“If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms.” -- winnie the pooh

i thought i'd just start th comment with an incredibly insightful quote from a brilliant leader!

this post is incredibly positive. hope, faith, and progress!!!!!
well done brie, you should be patting youself on the back!

well done.

you wont be a lifer, you deserve health and happiness, and you deserve to recover, and you deserve to be proud of yourself as you make steps into you recovery.
x
Loubie

Courtney said...

thank you. i really needed this post today.

Teresa said...

I see your cute self every dang day and I think you look amazing. There is definitely not much of a somethin somethin there YET but cheers to trying to get you a serious ba-donka-donk to balance out those boobies!! :)

Alexandra Rising said...

Love this:

"I’m finally showing the world and myself that I am willing to let go of my eating disorder; that I am willing to see if there is more to me than a low BMI and an even lower number on the scale. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying. It’s beautiful."

Kate Weber said...

New to the blog! Wow! What a heart wrenching first post to read! It's inspiring. Can't wait to read more!