Thursday, February 25, 2010

Jealousy: that green bastard; revisited

You know, I wouldn’t consider myself a really envious person. Sure I wish I had the m$ney that other people have, mostly just because I hate worrying every week, living paycheck to paycheck, wondering if we’re going to be able to pay our bills, or have to stave off the vultures for another week. I will admit that often I find I am envious of the women I know who can buy fashionable clothes on a whim, who can shower their children with gifts, and even afford to go out to lunch every day. I know they say that rich people aren’t any happier than us living at the poverty lizine, but you know what? I’m not sure I buy it. Hell I’d take being a D-list celebrity any day over a D-list blogger; I don’t get paid for this passion. But. (JUST KIDDING I LOVE YOU GUYS!)

Anyway. I digress:
I no longer look at stick figure-esque girls who CLEARLY need to eat a sandwich and think, damn, I wish I looked like them. I try hard not to compare myself.
Because really, it doesn’t matter.
I often think to myself that I need to carry a bunch of business cards for my old treatment center, and when I see a girl so thin she’s runs the risk of being, like, DOUBLE TUBED, (or even triple tubed if she had a freak third nostril or something) I fantasize about walking up to her, handing her the card for the treatment center, and saying, so earnestly, so cliché like, There is a place for hope and healing! (Or hell and heaving, depending on if you’re absolutelyabhorring the whole treatment process, cackle cackle.) But I don’t do that. Their life is their life and I sincerely hope for them that one day they can get out of their misery, see what they’re missing out on, and embrace life and embrace change.

But back to envy. I wrote this post just over two years ago, and I want you to go read it. Once you done that, come back to meeee and finish this post, cuz you’ll have a better understanding and less of a WTF’ness factor if you read it.

Okay. All read?

I am still jealous of perfect moms. I covet their ability to get their child to eat nasty sweet potatoes and beets, and hell, even carrots. Or chicken. And chicken is good – it tastes like everything, right? I cannot get Cade to eat more than chocolate, Reese’s Puffs, crackers, and pancakes. I give him Boost nightly to supplement for all that he misses out during the day time. Is this humiliating for me to admit? YES. Because I read many blogs of women with young children who feed their kids healthy and balanced meals, all while canning peaches and brainstorming on how to end world hunger, while my kid is sustaining his life mostly off of preservatives while Mommy blogs and nurtures her growing obsession for the Animal Planet.


You know what hurts even more? I’ve read so many blogs lately where I find out that the women are pregnant. And please don’t get me wrong; I am so happy for you. But while that happiness wells inside me; jealousy, that green bastard, rears its fat bulbous greedy head and brings tears to my eyes because I think, IwishIwasyouIwishIwasyouIwishIwasyou…Godwhycouldn’tIcarryKendalltofullterm,whatiswrongwithmewhatdidIdo?

So please. If I do not comment on your blog congratulating you, it isn’t because I am not happy for you. It’s simply because at that at that moment, I am coveting what you have. And I am hurting because I am missing what I no longer have. And then I am bereft of words.

So, I’m not perfect. (CLEARLY) My child has a goopy face and sometimes he still pees his Thomas the Train underwear or colors my bathroom mirror with magic markers. He is not on a regular sleep schedule because he is the most stubborn child on this earth and needs less sleep than a meth head. I worry about my parenting skills. But at the end of the day, you know what? Cade is happy. He knows he is loved. Every day we reaffirm our BEST friendship, and then smooch on it to seal the deal.

So there are a lot of things I would change. I kind of think that people who say they have no regrets are idiots.
Because hindsight is 20/20, and who wouldn’t go back and change the mistakes that they’ve made? Yes you learn from them, but they can also hurt and embarrass you like hell. And I still regret some of my decisions. I don’t know that I’ll ever be grateful for them. It’s too cliché and too easy for me to go down that path. Forgiving myself has always been a rough nasty little bugger for me.

But you know what I wouldn’t change? Cade coming up to me last night, hugging me, saying I was his best friend, then saying “Mommy give me a smooch cuz those are like kisses but even BETTER!”

The kid might not get his lima beans, but he gets his love.

So it’s time I work on stop being green with jealousy, tell that monster to peace out, and start glowing with happiness. For the changes I’m making and for the blessings I do have.

Oh and PSers don’t forget to watch the vid I posted last night! It’s almost as good as the superbowl when Janet Jackson and J Timb performed, only there are no wardrobe malfunctions!


Eating Alone said...

So your not perfect? Oh that makes me feel so much better, I thought I was the only screw up on the planet. Of course next to you I'm still pretty well screwed up. See it's all relative.

And don't worry about his eating it will come around. Once he get's sick of drinking boosts.

Cammy said...

First, totally awesomeamazing that you're able to see sickly EDers as just what they are: in need of help. I was actually going to do a post about this soon, it's amazing how different the world looks from different points in recovery.

I am sure Cade feels just as lucky to have you as you do him. Remember that anyone who appears to be doing a perfect job is probably compensating for some deeply buried insecurity or shortcoming in another area, however hidden. And who really wants to be a Stepford wife?

I know you miss Kendall, and that it hurts not to have her with you. Hang in there. She was a part of you, and the best way to honor her is to continue taking care of the rest of you and living each day to the fullest possible. You are one awesome lady and you deserve nothing less.


Cammy said...

And re: Cade's toddler diet. I went through a phase as a kid where all I wanted to eat was tangerines, Oatmeal Cream Pies and Ramen noodles. It gets better.

brie said...

thanks C and D for the reaffirmations that i don't suck. sometimes i need to be grounded back to earth. :)

you are da raddest.

Krista said...

We must have been on the same wave length the last few days. If you've ever looked at Whit's DBT diary card there is a box for envy and I have been marking 5's all week long. I too am not generally an envious person, but every time I hear that a person in my life (or not) is pregnant I start longing for what they have and I don't. Is it just me or is there like a mad baby boom going on right now?

brie said...

krista there is a MIZAD baby boom going on right now, and wow, it's hard, huh? so sorry for BOTH of our losses. xo

tracy said...

All my 18 year old wants to eat is cereal, bacon, chips, mac 'n cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches, hot dogs, chicken, and mashed potatoes...and the occasional slice or two of pizza....FAIL! (on my part)

Love to you, all of you.

Alexandra Rising said...

I hope I didnt upset you with my 'baby fevah' post [if you even saw it]. Needless to say I am not pregnant, nor will I be for a very long time--if ever. Im just seeing children [mainly 4 year-olds] everywhere and my ovaries...they dance in response. I hope hope hope I didnt upset you :( [Please tell me if I did, I will worry now!]

And the money thing, I cant figure it out. I grew up in working class. I live in an upper class community [by the grace of having free rent in Mike's home]. The things people have's insanity. I can't comprehend it. I think many people are happy [ish?] but they are also mean and superficial. I dont consider that well balanced. Money is definitely important when it comes to feeling secure and safe and stable...but when you have too much of it [sometimes] you dont become the nicest person [and so many teenagers I know in this upper-class community do HARD drugs, have sex, own so many things they dont need, and there are so many eating disorders. I feel like as awful as some of these kids act...they act this way because they are raised in a community that puts so much pressure on them to look perfect, to be the best at every sport, to get in to Ivy Leagues, to own the most expensive things..] I could never raise a child in this town because I wouldnt want a child to have all this pressure on them to be so perfect, or feel like they arent rich enough because they are from a 700,000 family yearly income and not a million/yr. Sorry if I'm babbling. I've given lots and lots of thought to money vs happiness vs stability being the poor fish in the sea of money.

Please email/message/reply letting me know if I upset you in any way. I have a major worry complex. Also, check out my blog, it has a little message to you.

And if it means anything, I think you come off as being a lovely mom! Kids are super picky! That's not YOUR fault.

brie said...

alex! OF COURSE that didn't upset me - not even a teensy tinsy bit. thanks for checking though - but i promise we're allllll good. :)

you're right - money is good security, but it can also bring a lot of superficiality. i don't think i'd want to raise a kid in NY either...xoxoxo

Penny said...

Everything that you wrote Brie is so honest and so not superficial. I love that quality that you have. It is a gift to not have to hide and one that you have developed and it has been helping you to become well and a fully functioning human being mother who is just like the rest of all of us. Flawed but now trying to make a difference in the world. Your blog land commenters are so spot on that I feel inspired from them and you today. Thank you all

Heather Lindquist said...

Brie, I echo those sentiments. I to experience envy on so many levels it's embarrassing. I hate to admit it even to myself, let alone others. It's a tough one to beat. The envy I struggle with the most, right now, is not being able to get pregnant. : ( It's difficult reading about and knowing others who are able to carry a child, and then I go and have a miscarraige. I've wanted a child for AGES and thus it's incredibly depressing knowing how easy it is for most others. It's something I mostly keep to myself though. I smile and feel happy for those women, but inside I want to cry. I don't know if envy every truly goes away. It's almost like the plague. But the point is that we are acknowledging it, and although it saddens us to see others who may seem to be perfect, or pregnant, or have large incomes, we have a life that we may not have had otherwise, due to ED. We have a whole different perspective on life that others may not have. Personally, I think, due to our histories, that we even have a bit more insight and strength. Some of the people we're envious of, probably are envious of us as well. We're all in it together, I guess. I too wish, however, that sometimes we could go back and change things....cuz your right....somethings just hurt way to much, despite it having been a learning experience. You're in my thoughts Brie.

brie said...

thanks so much heather, you are in my thoughts too. i KNOW that you will get pregnant again with a perfect sweet little baby. i know i will too. let's pray for each other, okay? xo

t. said...

those people that seem so perfect? they aren't. nobody is.

i found myself nodding along with your post. money might not buy happiness, but it sure makes one a lot more comfortable! and as someone with a child who has embarrassed me with numerous meltdowns, less than polite responses to perfectly nice people, screaming about my vagina in a crowded store - i totally get where you were coming from in the linked post as well.

i'm sorry that you are hurting. i think that is a perfectly normal response. i know when i was dealing with infertility, i'd wonder what on earth i did to deserve that when some people could get pregnant in a wink.

i'm glad you are going to work on your glowing. i think that's something everyone should do - learn to appreciate the blessings they have. i know it's easier said than done (for me anyway - i work on this daily), but i believe it's worth the effort.

Teresa said...

You are my kind of mommy!!! My kid is a disaster at all times and I just have one. I watch people with 3 or 4 in their matching outfits with their hair combed and I'm always envious. Who can do that?? I also witnessed my mom do it with 8 kids, she made it look so easy, then one day she snapped and now I am a firm believer in Prozac. :) You are a great little mommy and actually lifted my spirits about my own parenting skills. I'll bet you never went to the mommy play group thing did you. Hehe.

brie said...

haha teresa NO MOMMY GROUPS FOR ME. my child would murder the others. MURDER THEM.

bananas said...

You ARE glowing!!!!!! And you are a great mom. :)

Mary said...

Ha ha ha every ward has a stepford wife!!!!! You have to "accidently" trip them in the hall. Work's like a charm!!!

lisalisa said...

oh gosh, I struggle with this, too. it's funny when people tell me what I good mom I am because I dont feel it. I am always focused on all the places I fall short.
"Perfect Mom" does not exist, not really. For all you know, she could be screaming at her kids the minute she gets them in the minivan, or drinking cough syrup just to make it through Family Home Evening. You are better than perfect; you are REAL! Cade knows he is loved, and just his ability to freely give love reflects on what I great job you are doing.

Will said...

Perfection is boring. And truthfully, in reading your struggle- I dont look at magazines the same. Why bother being a model if you are not happy and are stressing about what NOT to eat for a day. Life is too short.
Being jealous is an easy thing to do...but there is also a flip side typically. I have friends that make more money than I can ever imagine...but you know what? They don't get to spend any time with their family and I'm sorry but my job will not be on my tombstone.
Celebrities? sure, they get paid a lot and have kick ass houses....but they also have ppl waiting for them to make a mistake, to take a picture with no makeup or have cottage cheese ass. It's so sad that everything on a front of a magazine is usually about someones heartache..and its what sells.
Tiger woods and his wife? More money and material things than you can buy. But clearly he has issues and now she has issues. Are they really happy? Prob. not. Do they wish they could have a normal drama free life? I'm sure.
All of that to IS really easy to see what you'd like to change in your life but like you said- look at the great things you have that others don't. You have lot, a great hubby, and a family who loves you. Many ppl would give up everything to have that list.
And Cade and his food issues. Please note I would only eat bologna and cheese sandwiches on white bread for at least 5 years of my life. I am healthy, not picky, and now love cooking.
It's just a phase...and as my mom says- you pick your battles! ...and pray their kids do the same thing to them!

lisalisa said...

ps I looooved the video!

Stacy said...

envy is a mean thing. it totally ruins the good stuff. I so hope you get pregnant again soon and have another sweet little baby to love. The boom of babies has been huge, but also seems the losses are almost as many. I look so forward to the happy post when you are pregnant again.
ps. I really get irritated about those perfect moms at church too. I don't think I have really been able to pay attention in church since I started having kids. oh well.

Anonymous said...

My sister and I are a year apart, and, when we were little, I would eat (or at least try) just about everything. She ate fries, chicken nuggets, and pizza. End story. So, not so much bad mom cause we had the same mom at the same time. Also said sister grew up to eventually love really fancy, crazy expensive food, so I guess it worked out.

Erin said...

Brie, you are an awesome mother. No matter what your kid will/will not eat. As far as the mommy-bloggers...we are all selective as to what we choose to portray to the world. Most of us (even those who claim otherwise) blog about the good stuff, and try to leave out most of the bad. Or maybe the bad is mentioned in passing, or in jest, but for the most part, we leave out our failings and shortcomings when we document our lives. For heavens sake, as I type this, my baby is screaming in his room, and my toddler WAS screaming, but now is sitting on the counter, polishing off the better part of a chocolate cake. Me, I'm hiding in the closet, trying to have a moment of peace from the hours long scream-fest that is going on in my house right now. I can assure you this episode will not be featured on my blog this week. Instead, I'll joke about how the little booger is having a "hard time" this week because he is teething, and leave out the fact that I gave serious thought to just staying in this closet for the rest of the day...
See, selective reporting to the mommy-blog. :)
I have seen bad mothers, Brie, and you are not that. Your son knows you love him. What a blessing that is. You actively show and live your love for him every single day. He is a lucky child. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.
And last, in regards to your old post, I have to tell you this: my sister was the primary chorister, and during the primary program in sac meeting, her then four year old son seized the opportunity, stood up on his chair, and starting yelling "PENIS!" as loud and as long as he could. I am sure she would have given anything for him to be yelling JESUS at that moment instead. It. Was. Awesome.

Mormon Bachelor Pad said...

You da bomb.

for real.


laurelg1 said...

I tried to be that "perfect" mom and ended up hating myself, my life and er a, my kids! After I figured out that we don't live in an address on a street in a town, but we live in a HOME, I relaxed a whole lot. My kids live on PB&J, minus the J and donuts. The only veggie they will eat is broccoli, but only if it is smothered in cheese.
Mine never slept either. I feel your pain. But hey, they are healthy and happy and have learned to not wake me up at midnight. So, keep on keepin on.

Lou Lou said...

its that time again, im finally of to treatment tomorrow. im gunna miss ur blog and this post was an affirmation of that! i love it!!!
your amazing brie, i am loving the videos too! you gotta answer a question in my most recent post, cade is such a sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are such a awesome person and your blog is just so inspiring and awesome! id miss u if u became a d-list celeb.
xxxxxx have a really really good month! im pretty sure when im back ill read your pasts to see what ur been doing while iv been doing milklions of hours of therapy ha.
ok bye and good luck with your month!!!

brie said...

thank you all SO MUCH for your comments! it really means the world to me.

lou - i will miss you! kick ass and then come back!

erin - your honesty and candor about your own experiences and those you choose to blog really made sense - and i appreciate you sharing that. and for the love of all that is holy - that penis story had me roaring. thanks for sharing! xoxo said...

I am sure that many people look at you and think of you as the perfect one, find themselves envious of you....

Brooke said...

Brie..I love! You KNOW i relate with all of those mommy issues. We've talked numerous times. I'm so glad you can realize that you can be your "own" kind of person and Mom and Cade will love you just for who you are...isn't it a great feeling to have that realization?

Kelly S. said...

hey Brie, I saw this article today and thought you might find some comfort in knowing others have been where you are.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

Hey Brie ::hugs:: I know how you feel to a certain extent... I read tons of blogs and you're right, so many women are pregnant and I'm so happy for them... but it hurts... not because I've lost a child as you have, but because I can't get pregnant. My husband and I keep trying and it's all I want in this world and I'm so, so sad. I pray. And I wish. And I wait. And every time I get my period I'm so upset I cry. I know this probably isn't the comment you were looking for, but I just wanted to say - I feel ya on this one. And at least you have a wonderful son who is adorable and loving. I want one so badly.

brie said...

reading these comments has helped me realize that we're all pretty alike, huh? glad i'm not alone.

Katannah said...

Sorry so late... but stop this. Perfectly healthy women without ED lose their precious babies all the time - and it is not their fault nor yours. Envy, particularly when you are grieving, is so normal (don't you love when you get to apply that word to you? I'm being serious - think about it - you HAVE NORMAL!!!). Revel in your envy and hurting as a sign that you are emotionally alive and able to feel, ouchies and all.

And I'm sorry for the hurt, as always. I think of you and Kendall often. ((hug))