Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Ultimatum

Saw the D today. Wasn’t a fan of the sesh, let me tell you. I lost weight. I LOST WEIGHT. She said a “significant amount.” How do you lose a significant amount in just a week? How is that possible when I’m doing the tube feed nightly and eating during the day? Yes, I could be eating more, and I am increasing the amount every week. But I’m not not eating either, you knowsies? It’s just so frustrating. I don’t know why my metabo is on a turbo setting. I really see it as some sort of irony, The Great Irony of My Life, that at the one point in my life when I don’t want to lose, when I want to gain; I cannot. Love the prank, God. You got me. But can it be done now?

The Dster gave me an ultimatum: gain weight consistently EVERY WEEK or go to the hospital. She said it wasn’t for psychiatric reasons, she said it was because I was just way too malnourished, and it would be too scary to let this continue happening. But, what if I follow the meal plan we made today, and I do the tube every night like a good little girl, and what if, after all that, I still lose weight? What then? Do I still have to go to the hospital, even though I tried my hardest? Really? Please, no?

I do not want my tubed ass (or, rather, my tubed nose) to get hauled to a hospital. I have Lil C, I have Bran, I have work…all of whom are depending on me. Depending on me NOT to go to the hospital. I kinda hate myself right now.

23 comments:

Ellie said...

I'm not exactly sure if they want to put you in a normal hospital (for weight gain only), or an ED facility.

But, if you follow your meal plan perfectly, do the tube feeding, and STILL lose weight, maybe you (physically) need to go to the hospital and get checked out - that's unexplained weight loss, and unexplained weight changes (loss or gain) isn't a good thing - it could be a sign of something serious going on.

And that TOTALLY SUCKS, because no one wants to have an unexplained physical problem like that. But it doesn't mean that you didn't try your hardest.

good luck! hopefully this is all theoretical, and you will gain the needed amount this week.

alriggells said...

Brie, you can do this. I believe in you. If there is anything I can do to help let me know...like a RED ROBIN run or something. Love you

Stacy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy said...

I am on with ellie. I mean super boosted metabolism is one thing. but eating a tubage at night but still losing sounds like there HAS to be something else causing it.
I know you hate people to worry about you. I am a momma and it is just what I do. I want you to be happy and HEALTHY and to have it easy... you need it easy just for a while, having it hard sucks and it take a toll on on the body and soul.

all the love and happiness and prayers coming your way.
xoxo

brie said...

Hi Ellie, thanks for commenting. My D specifically said the hospital...I've been in treatment a lot and won't go again - even if I wanted to, I have no means. But, a hospital stay would be better than treatment because it's shorter, and frankly, I don't need it again. Eh.

KC Elaine said...

I'm really sorry to hear bout all this. I have to second what's been said...I don't think going to the hospital is a matter of whether you tried or not, it's a matter of doctors helping you to get well. I try every day not to fall down or get hit by baseballs, but the last two times that happened I had to go to the hospital and get stitches anyway, ya know? If you do have to go, I think it's not necessarily an indication of how hard you tried, it's a matter of needing the help. I think if you end up having to go (and I hope you don't), you can still be proud of yourself for doing everything you could to prevent it. loves

Lisa said...

I hope you don't have to go to the hospital - but more than that, I hope you gain. Even if you have to check in for a while.

alana.rachelle said...

um... cf or coldstone anyone?

brie said...

Lana, I might go to cf with you, but first you have to tell me what that is. :)

H said...

Brie, I too have a funky metabo....It's quite embarrassing actually, b/c to maintain my weight at a healthy place (where it has been for the past several years) I literally have to eat "weight gain" meals all day long. Seriously.

I hate eating my lunch in the faculty lunch room b/c I'm so afraid others will think I'm a pig or something. It's just awkward, ya know? But it's what I have to do. I may not like eating 60 billion calories a day (just joking, but I do eat "weight-gain portion-sized meals, like all freakin' day long), but I know I HAVE TO or else I become who I used to be, a sick, listless, irritable, depressed, cutting, anxiety-ridden, anorexic. And that's not who I am, and I'm determined as hell to do what it takes to be my true authentic self without all that extra baggage.

That's why I'm so proud of you for doing what it takes, and although you may feel terrified, you're willing to do whatever is necessary to stay healthy, and become a healthier (in all ways) individual. I have total faith in you that even with your wacked out metabo (like mine) you can succeed at this fight.

Believe in it and it really will work. If you're afraid you'll still lose weight with the tube AND the meal plan your D gave you, why not just add MORE to it? A power bar here or there as an "extra", ya know?

I know deciding to go beyond what a D says is scaaaaaaarrrry to the max....but it's that leap of faith that we sometimes must take to finally "get there." And you CAN get there girl!

Reach for that trapeze and JUMP!

Emily said...

As much as it sucks... add more to your meal plan. Drink more Boost Plus. Continue the positive things you are doing. And if that doesn't work, then you need to go to the hospital and get checked out. Something could be very wrong. And yeah, hospitals suck, IVs suck, but hey. Sometimes we need them.

Savannah said...

I just wanted to stop by and let you know how proud I am of you because no matter what happens..you never stop trying. That is very admirable and I'm very proud of your Brie :)

That's all she wrote. No words of wisdom. Just words of appreciation for such an amazing individual.

Shannon said...

Boo indeed. Good luck! Stick with it. You are totally worth it and I know you have a very supportive family. You can beat this. Take care!!!

Anna said...

Brie,

I'm struggling more with bulimia now, but when I was hard core in my anorexia my metabolism was so wacked that when I was in treatment I ate and ate and ate.... and lost weight. I *know* what you're going through.

I'm going to challenge you to reframe something. You said that your son, husband, and job are depending on you. Yes - you're right. They ARE depending on you -- to LIVE!! Right now, that might mean a quicky trip to the hospital. Is that a happy thing? Not so much? But it's also not the end of the world.

Cade deserves and needs a healthy mama. Your husband deserves and needs a healthy wife. Your future baby needs a healthy uterus to grow in :) Lossing weight = NOT healthy.

I've been where you are right now: fighting anorexia, following your MP and still losing weight. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT and you're doing everything you should be doing. It's painful and it sucks, no doubt. But if you can handle pregnancy, labor, and delivery, you can handle this.

Obviously I hope and pray that you end up not needing the hospital. But if you do, please please please try to reframe it as what you need to do to stay healthy, not as a punishment or a failing.

Hugs from the east coast.

~Anna

alana.rachelle said...

cheesecake factory for suresies!

Sarah said...

hi babe, sweet girl,

I am sending some weight gaining vibes to you.

Can you feel it?

Can you feel the love?

I don't want you to have to go to the hospital, either. But I want you to be healthy. Try to be willing to go to any lengths to get there. . .

xoxoxo

Katherine said...

so for realsies if i were there right now i would drag your little ass straight to red robin. we would then make a candy run to target...and then? we would sit on the couch watching crowned (is it even still coming on?!)or some other cheesy show, painting our nails, or even better, playing what if with our friends.
...you can't keep getting sicker B, or who will i play with when i come back out there?! (yes, apparently i like to think that everything is about me)
sriously though, listen to H, she knows what she's talking about even if we sometimes disagree. do what you know you need to and know that i believe in you completely.

brie said...

You guys are all SO AWESOME. Thanks for the therapy!

Krista said...

I'm way late in commenting so I'll just write that I'm thinking about you!

CookieGirl said...

Uhg, I can't imagine what that must feel like. So damn frustrating. I wish I could give you my metabolism for a day...or as long as you'd like... Seriously, thinking and praying for you, chica. xoxo

Laura said...

Take care of you, the way would you take care of lil C.
Do what you have to do. Keep looking ahead, at the future. Start living now. You have missed too much of your life already.
lots of prayers for you...
love you
L

brydelle said...

I don't want you to go to the hospital :(

lame lame lamezoid.

I hope you keep gaining weight--you are in my thoughts and prayers and I love you.

Sarah said...

I feel the same way as everyone else, Brie. Either way (hospital or not) the important thing is that you get better. It doesn't matter how it happens. If you go, you're still taking care of the people you love; if you stay out, you are physically present with them. You can do this!!

Gaining weight is REALLY hard, but it makes the mental stuff a heck of a lot easier to deal with. My therapist said we couldn't even start the real therapy until I was a certain weight, and I didn't believe her, but when I got there, it was like a huge switch in my head went off and all of a sudden I was coming to all these realizations that I was too tired and malnourished and stubborn to think of before. ED takes so much from us already; don't let it take your ability to think and feel. You have so many wonderful things in your life to TRULY experience and feel. I know you are working hard; just try to do something every day that scares you. I know it's cliche, but that advice kept me gaining weight in my recovery.

Thanks again for your comments and your wonderful blogs. They are so uplifting (Even when sad like this one) because I sense your desire to be well and free.