The Neighborhood Welcome Wagon

The new street I moved onto in my ‘hood is reallllly weird. So far, I have met the following neighbors:

Midget
Shorty
Megan
Oliver
Sassy
Princess

The first day we moved in, I was in the front yard watching Lil C play. Midget slowly walked up to me and plunked down on the grass beside me without even seeming to notice my existence. Well, the Comcast Cable dude was here saving me from the perils of No Cable, and every time he walked past me to get to his car for a tool or something, Midget would growl to let Cable Guy know that I was his. We fell in love right then and there. It’s been soooo intense every since.

Next I met Megan. She walked right up to me outside, rubbed my legs, then dramatically flopped on her back and begged for a belly rub. Because I cannot resist letting anybody down, even if they look feral and are about to rape or maul my face, I plunked down beside her and gave her some major rubbage. (That’s what he said.) A little while later I wandered into the house, and no fewer than a 10 minutes later, she was sitting in the middle of the kitchen, looking at me like she owned the freaking place. I still can’t figure out how she got in, btw. Good thing Bobert didn’t see her, or she’d have squashed all the life out of her then eaten her for breakfast.

Then there’s Princess. Princess is a black sweetie that was abandoned on some dude’s farm and I guess a neighbor felt sorry for her and adopted her. Yesterday I rescued her from Sassy, and she thanked me by, well, not saying thank you. It was excellent. I really felt like we share a connection.

Then there’s Sassy. Well, I call her Sassy. I don’t know what her name is, she wouldn't tell me, so I had to make do. I actually have no idea where she came from and am bewildered as to which house she lives in. Well, last night as Big B and Lil C and I were doing some yard work, out of nowhere she appears and stays in our yard for hours. She followed me around, and was always begging me for some lovin’. Also, she somehow got into our house a few times. I believe there is a secret door or something we have not yet discovered. It’s making me feel uncomfy.

Oliver is GIGANTIC and ORANGE and GAY. (3 points for you if you know where the quote’s from…JB, J??)

Shorty’s a bit jittery. Me no likey. I don’t want to share my Xanax.

I still as of yet am not sure if there are actual homo-sapiens living in the vicinity. I’ll keep you posted. Seriously, it’s insane. I’ve never lived or even been on a street where you can look out the window and see cats and dogs frolicking together like the lions and the lambs or whatever. I feel like I’m in the Garden of Eden. Well, if the Garden of Eden included dust and power tools and no plumbing and a house where the previous owners smoked Meth. If that’s not paradise, I don’t know what is.

In the meantime, I’ll wait for Midget or Megan to bring me over a plate of cookies and a fruit basket. I hear they’re the head of the welcoming committee.