Monday, October 6, 2008

Summary of Suckage

Reason #1 that today sucks: I woke up at 3 in the morning to the obnoxious sound of my tube beeping at me. I woke up with a terrible headache, and whipped out the tube in the hopes that would help the aches and pains and throbs oh my. IT DIDN’T. I once had a doc who told me that it was more likely you had a brain tumor if you woke up with a headache rather than got one naturally throughout the day. And then I couldn’t properly go back to sleep my head hurt so badly. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I didn’t get sleep and instead I got a brain tumor.

Reason #2 that today sucks: I got into the waiting room for my T right at 10. She came out, sat by me, and said “Heeeeey. Yeah, you’re not scheduled until 11.” Just then, her 10 o’ clock patient came and sat by me who looked altogether much cooler and un-depressed than me. I was so horrified I jumped up and said “Ok! See you in an hour!” and went to run up the stairs…only to, like, miss a few. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: not only was I an hour early to therapy, my T got to watch me biff it on the stairs and unceremoniously slide down a few. I’m not a graceful faller. It goes against my tall nature.

Reason #3 that today sucks: since my mom and I had an hour to kill before I went back to therapy, we decided to hit the nearest strip mall. My mom was regaled with stories of how I was UGLY and FAT and STUPID and NOT DOING THE TUBE anymore because I DIDN’T NEED IT and COULDN’T SHE SEE I WAS FAT?? We then went to Vicki’s and I bought a Pink sweater that said PEACE and LOVE. I tried to reason with my mom, telling her I couldn’t buy the sweater because peace and loved SUCKED. She told me that once I was feeling more stable, I’d think peace and love were JUST FINE again. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: if you’re so wrapped up in your own personal suckage that you hate peace and love, then, well, you really suck.

Reason #4 that today sucks: my hus is awesome. He rocks at a lot of things. But he definitely doesn’t rock at what I like to call “common parent sense.” When I asked him to get Lil C ready for me this morning, he decided to leave him in his jammies and pull a hoodie over the whole thing rather than dress him properly. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: my mom and I had a teeming, smelly, GIANT pee diaper that exploded everywhere that had been velcroed to his cute lil butt the entire night. This suckage was minimized, though, because my mom had to clean it up because I was in therapy. At any rate, Hus, you’re awesome. Thanks for all you do. You are a shining human being aside from the fact you forgot our child wasn't potty-trained.

Reason #5 that today sucks: upon going back to therapy, my T told me that she hadn’t even recognized me when she initially saw me because I looked so thin, I didn’t even look like me anymore. I stared back at her, unimpressed, and told her that last time I worse these jeans to therapy they fit me the same. I was stumped because I had just been getting ready to tell her that I was done using the tube because I was FAT and STUPID and UGLY and because my HEAD HURT. We then went through the 15 or something warning signs that you know you’re in a relapse. That was really fun. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: apparently there actually are, in fact, FIFTEEN indicators of the fact I ain’t doin so hot. FIFTEEN. Dude.

Reason #6 that today sucks: I decided to wear my Ed Hardy hat today because I was UGLY and FAT and I didn’t want to do my hair or makeup, and I thought the hat would hide the world from my nastiness. When I got to therapy, my T asked me what my hat said, she said she was trying to read it but couldn’t quite see it all. “It says Ed Hardy.” When she asked me what it was, I told her it was a designer, a line of clothing. She, in fact, thought that the Ed part of it was some sort of pro-ana proclamation. She then went on to say that she didn’t like that the skulls and flowers were together, like the designer was trying to glorify death and make it pretty or something. Exactly, I said. Love kills slowly. ??? She didn’t register it. At any rate, she said that she didn’t think it was a coincidence that I had worn the hat today, and I told her, she was right. I was UGLY and FAT and STUPID and I had only wanted to wear a hat to cover all that up today. My hat was not, in fact, some sort of pro-ana proclamation. Do they even make pro-ana headwear? I mean my hell. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I wasted 1/3 of a very expensive tx sesh on what the design of my hat said about my soul and psyche. The fact I thought it was “hot” would not suffice for her. NOTE TO SELF: never wear said Ed Hardy hat to therapy again.

Reason #7 that today sucks: I will be rockin’ a feeding tube all the time, and not just at nighttime. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: dude, do I really need to summarize this for you? It sucks because FEEDING TUBES SUCK. Especially when you have to wear them all over your face ALL THE TIME. Scha-wing!

Reason #8 that today sucks: after I woke up from my nap my head STILL HURTS. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I now have further evidence that a brain tumor is looming on the horizon.

Reason #9 that today sucks: I have EIGHT OTHER reasons that today sucks. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: eight’s a lot. Eight’s too many. That really sucks.

34 comments:

kristin said...

Aw, Brie, I'm sorry that today has sucked for you. :(

I'm sending lots of good thoughts and really, really big hugs your way!

Take care and hang in there!

love, kristin

zubeldia said...

Aw, honey. I'm so sorry. I hope the day offers some non-sucky things. I've missed you, sweety.

Love, Z

Emily said...

Brie, I am sorry you had a terrible day. :( and that does suck indeed that you have to do the tube 24/7 now. But really, it's necessary. You are quite the opposite of fat and your body needs the consistent nourishment that tube feeding gives. Hang in there, and know that I am here for you.

Lisa said...

Good lord, what an awful day. I'm sorry and I hope that tomorrow is better.

ania said...

Aw, dear Brie.

This doesn't sound near enough what I want to express: but I'm sorry.

I am hoping so much that you'll feel better and find yoursel fin a better headspace soon.

With care....

jana bananas said...

Oh my friend, you are not ugly or fat or stupid or any of the other things you called yourself in this post.

You are a wonderful person that I cannot wait to meet (oh my god, SO SOON!) that is adored by oh, just about everyone. I'm pretty sure there's a Brie fan club or there easily could be one.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you don't have a brain tumor, but I hope that yucky headache goes away soon!!

Love to you, my Brie.

Bananas

jana bananas said...

P.S.: I'm not so much digging the "peace and love" thing at the moment either, so I hear ya.

H said...

Oh my hell...that really is a sucky day. But honestly, Brie, I love how you still manage to be comical even amidst such crappy-ness.

And I'm totally with you on the whole peace and love thing...there's not a whole heck of a lot of that at my job currently and it makes for a LOT of suckage.

Krista said...

I have some wonderful perscription strength migrain meds that you can have... I mean that's illegal... so take some ibprofen. Honey I'm sorry your having such a sucky day. I really do think you could form a fan club. A lot of people out there care about you and you are NOT UGLY, FAT, or STUPID! The anorexia is. Yeah, ED is a big fat F-er. Tell him that.

kathy with a k said...

Okay, so I'm thinkin' the "Ed Hardy" thing is funny. WTF?!! "Eating Disorder Hearty" is how I'm thinking your therapist translated it. wow. interesting. C'mon, you gotta admit, from her seat lookin' at you with a skeleton hat that says "Ed" on it...

Next, from the little I know about you, I think you've been living in the world of anorexia long enough to know that feeling fat, ugly, stupid when you have a feeding tube means you're feeling something else...but it gets effed up and translates as fat, stupid, ugly. Don't think you need any other red flags that tell you you've slid into skeleton-land than walkin' around with a feeding tube telling yourself (and your mom and your therapist) that you're fat.
At the end of my last and final visit to Skeleton-land, I remember feeling so detached from everything and everyone, and so trapped with my self. I hated that place where everyone says one thing and you feel another.
I am sorry about the sucky day. And I only wish you un-sucky days ahead. Bright, happy, peace and love sweater days. Without giant pee diapers.

Krystle said...

*Hugs*

Hang in there, honey.

licketysplit said...

even after all i've been through and all the amazing women i have met, it still boggles my mind...that someone as gorgeous and tiny as you could have the same ugly thoughts as me...
that was a truly sucky day- i hope that tomorrow will bring something totally fantastical your way :)

brie said...

K2, I think that might be the funniest comment you've ever left me. The "Eating Disorder Hearty" had me roaring, and Big B too. Also, I hadn't ever thought of it considering the whole skeleton thing...it was awesome. :)

Thanks all for your words. I've already called in sick to work tomorrow, I've developed a fever...so, I'm hoping the whole brain tumor is more just a flu type thing. xo

Stacy said...

today sucks because Brie had more reasons for a sucky day than I did. NOT FAIR. no really tho. I understand the "it can't be just one thing that sucks... it has to be 1 million things that suck all in one day"
I love ya. I hope tomorrow sucks less and I hope your nasty headache goes away BECAUSE when you have one of those well everything that already SUCKS... TOTALLY SUCKS WAY WAY WORSE.

oh and GG was a repeat tonight, every thing is. SUCK.
xoxo
SF

btw you rock for calling me stace face. I feel so loved

Jackie said...

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Laura said...

I'm with k2 on this one...the hat, the feelings, the everything. And I can not believe she used "skeleton land" in her comment...

good thing about sucky days...the next day HAS to get better.

feel better...xoxo

Krista said...

Hey just curious, do you see M with the blond hair or M with the brown hair?

ania said...

Dear Brie,

I know that I already left a comment, but I was thinking about you early this morning, and just am hoping so much for better days ahead.

With warmth....
________
('Kathy with a "K" ' makes me laugh nearly every single time. But she is also so frequently spot on. As are you. The two of you need to start an act.)

brie said...

ania, you are wonderful. thanks for the well wishes. :)

K, i only know of one M at cfc, and she is mine, and she has brown hair. :) maybe there was more than one when you were there...?

Krista said...

Ok maybe I am just confused. At the workshop the day of the reunion there was a tall lady with blond medium length hair and I swear her name was M, but I do remember the brown haired one. Maybe the blond is a different name that starts with M.

brie said...

k, you're right! i forgot...lol that M you were describing was actually my T while i was IP. we didn't get along very well...and then there's actually another M too...aside from my M...man i suck at remembering things. :) but mine has dark hair, and she works in the building that's in the same parking lot, but not the actual cfc building...there is so high a demand for t's that they rented out another building because they couldn't fit them in cfc anymore...anyway i tell you all this to say that you've probably never seen my m since she's not in the big building all that much...lame story. sorry, such a yawner!

brie said...

ania, do you have a blog? i want to read it!

ania said...

Dear Brie,

Oh, I do - I'll have to day - maybe don't get your expectations too raised.

It is m@yincur.@t.B|0g$p0t.D0t.C0m.

(I hope that isn't too convoluted. to string together?)

With care....

ania said...

(Hah-hah, that looks plumb crazy. I'll e-mail you.)

jana bananas said...

All I have to say is...you rule.

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

Hoping this day is better than yesterday. *hugs*

Marste

Brooke said...

Hey Breez,

Sorry about your bad day. At least Oroville Redenbacher didn't raise your L. dose to frickin' 700 mg. That is unheard of right? I asked if that was too high and if I was crazy and he said "it is just what your body needs, not the dosage." I've searched the internet and can't find a soul that takes that dosage. Pray I don't die. I wonder if I will actually get that rash now. Also raised my Klon. to three a day. Great huh?? Addictive much?

Not to make your post seem "not so bad," I guess I like to make you laugh by my misery also. But, you are sadder because you have a tube up your nose. So sorry! All love and support here!

Shannon said...

I'm sorry things suck right now. Hang in there!
PS-sometimes daddies just don't get the whole day to day of taking care of the kid thing. I started laughing out loud when you said he just put a hoodie over C's jammies. I can totally see my hubby thinking that's fine too.

kathy with a k said...

hey Brie, a girl in one of my ballet classes wore an Ed Hardy shirt to class last night over her leotard. I toyed with calling an intervention and informing her parents that their 10 year old might be showing signs of an emerging "Ed Hearty" disorder. :)
Seriously, the shirt made me laugh inside.

kathy with a k said...

hey Brie, a girl in one of my ballet classes wore an Ed Hardy shirt to class last night over her leotard. I toyed with calling an intervention and informing her parents that their 10 year old might be showing signs of an emerging "Ed Hearty" disorder. :)
Seriously, the shirt made me laugh inside.

kathy with a k said...

have no idea why that posted twice.

Sarah said...

Brie, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I hope your day is better today.

Sarah said...

Brie, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I hope your day is better today.

Sarah said...

aw babe. ouch to all of it. I hope today is better.