Summary of Suckage

Reason #1 that today sucks: I woke up at 3 in the morning to the obnoxious sound of my tube beeping at me. I woke up with a terrible headache, and whipped out the tube in the hopes that would help the aches and pains and throbs oh my. IT DIDN’T. I once had a doc who told me that it was more likely you had a brain tumor if you woke up with a headache rather than got one naturally throughout the day. And then I couldn’t properly go back to sleep my head hurt so badly. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I didn’t get sleep and instead I got a brain tumor.

Reason #2 that today sucks: I got into the waiting room for my T right at 10. She came out, sat by me, and said “Heeeeey. Yeah, you’re not scheduled until 11.” Just then, her 10 o’ clock patient came and sat by me who looked altogether much cooler and un-depressed than me. I was so horrified I jumped up and said “Ok! See you in an hour!” and went to run up the stairs…only to, like, miss a few. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: not only was I an hour early to therapy, my T got to watch me biff it on the stairs and unceremoniously slide down a few. I’m not a graceful faller. It goes against my tall nature.

Reason #3 that today sucks: since my mom and I had an hour to kill before I went back to therapy, we decided to hit the nearest strip mall. My mom was regaled with stories of how I was UGLY and FAT and STUPID and NOT DOING THE TUBE anymore because I DIDN’T NEED IT and COULDN’T SHE SEE I WAS FAT?? We then went to Vicki’s and I bought a Pink sweater that said PEACE and LOVE. I tried to reason with my mom, telling her I couldn’t buy the sweater because peace and loved SUCKED. She told me that once I was feeling more stable, I’d think peace and love were JUST FINE again. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: if you’re so wrapped up in your own personal suckage that you hate peace and love, then, well, you really suck.

Reason #4 that today sucks: my hus is awesome. He rocks at a lot of things. But he definitely doesn’t rock at what I like to call “common parent sense.” When I asked him to get Lil C ready for me this morning, he decided to leave him in his jammies and pull a hoodie over the whole thing rather than dress him properly. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: my mom and I had a teeming, smelly, GIANT pee diaper that exploded everywhere that had been velcroed to his cute lil butt the entire night. This suckage was minimized, though, because my mom had to clean it up because I was in therapy. At any rate, Hus, you’re awesome. Thanks for all you do. You are a shining human being aside from the fact you forgot our child wasn't potty-trained.

Reason #5 that today sucks: upon going back to therapy, my T told me that she hadn’t even recognized me when she initially saw me because I looked so thin, I didn’t even look like me anymore. I stared back at her, unimpressed, and told her that last time I worse these jeans to therapy they fit me the same. I was stumped because I had just been getting ready to tell her that I was done using the tube because I was FAT and STUPID and UGLY and because my HEAD HURT. We then went through the 15 or something warning signs that you know you’re in a relapse. That was really fun. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: apparently there actually are, in fact, FIFTEEN indicators of the fact I ain’t doin so hot. FIFTEEN. Dude.

Reason #6 that today sucks: I decided to wear my Ed Hardy hat today because I was UGLY and FAT and I didn’t want to do my hair or makeup, and I thought the hat would hide the world from my nastiness. When I got to therapy, my T asked me what my hat said, she said she was trying to read it but couldn’t quite see it all. “It says Ed Hardy.” When she asked me what it was, I told her it was a designer, a line of clothing. She, in fact, thought that the Ed part of it was some sort of pro-ana proclamation. She then went on to say that she didn’t like that the skulls and flowers were together, like the designer was trying to glorify death and make it pretty or something. Exactly, I said. Love kills slowly. ??? She didn’t register it. At any rate, she said that she didn’t think it was a coincidence that I had worn the hat today, and I told her, she was right. I was UGLY and FAT and STUPID and I had only wanted to wear a hat to cover all that up today. My hat was not, in fact, some sort of pro-ana proclamation. Do they even make pro-ana headwear? I mean my hell. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I wasted 1/3 of a very expensive tx sesh on what the design of my hat said about my soul and psyche. The fact I thought it was “hot” would not suffice for her. NOTE TO SELF: never wear said Ed Hardy hat to therapy again.

Reason #7 that today sucks: I will be rockin’ a feeding tube all the time, and not just at nighttime. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: dude, do I really need to summarize this for you? It sucks because FEEDING TUBES SUCK. Especially when you have to wear them all over your face ALL THE TIME. Scha-wing!

Reason #8 that today sucks: after I woke up from my nap my head STILL HURTS. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: I now have further evidence that a brain tumor is looming on the horizon.

Reason #9 that today sucks: I have EIGHT OTHER reasons that today sucks. SUMMARY OF SUCKAGE: eight’s a lot. Eight’s too many. That really sucks.