Sunday, October 12, 2008

sosorrysosadsolame (sorry!)

As I’m sure you’ve gathered, I am indeedily doo alive. The nausea and reflux I was experiencing due to re-feeding has already been greatly reduced now that I have an NJ tube rather than an NG tube. Also, because the tube completely bypasses the stomach, I’m finding it easier to eat because I don’t feel as full of Jevity. Since I’ve been home, I’ve eaten in voracious abundance, no kidding. For so long I could hardly eat anything, I was so nauseated and just…NOT HUNGRY. I think my body is making up for that now. So, I take an anti-nausea and some sort of pill for my reflux, and I’m feeling better.

The hospital, of course, is never fun. I had a good, long cry due to a doctor, but I don’t want to get into it and work up the tears again. It felt GOOD to cry though…it’s been so long. Having to have the tube all the time, though, since you can’t just take out and re-insert a tube into your intestines everyday is a major BJ. So I’m back to Tube Face McBrie again, and it already feels like forever.

Can you tell I’m in no mood to be either funny or eloquent? I’m just in a funk, thinking that I’m back HERE again…wherever here is…I just know that it’s not very good. I worry more about what others think…my family in particular, and I know, I mean, I always hear, who cares what anybody thinks, just do what you need to do…blah blah. But when it’s family, it’s different. I just feel sorry I can’t be what I know they want me to be.

Okay, I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I think, a bit cryptic. Sorry ya’ll had to deal with this. More later when I’m feeling better, I swear. And my post next time will totally make you laugh, I swearsies.


Emily said...

I am glad your refeeding symptoms are being handled now.

Laur said...

Im surprised you are worried about what your family thinks, from what I can tell they are the ones who want you to gain weight more than anyone (me included).
I am proud of you for getting this all taken care of so you can get back to the hot brie at the pool like you were at the beginning of the Summer.
I'm here for you babe, red robin this week perhaps?

KC Elaine said...

you don't always have to be funny. thanks for the update.

Jan said...

Love you, Brie! Maybe we can meet this week?

brie said...

L, I know my fam wants me to gain weight...I more meant that I'm just sorry for them that they have to watch me with the tube *again,* because I can never do anything right the first time.

Jan, you are a wonderful sis. I love you too.

Marissa said...

Haha brie, this post DID make me laugh.

TubeFace McBrie lol.

Okay, so I really hope you were trying to be funny there, because if not, I'll feel like a total DB.

Anyways, I'm glad to hear that you are back at home, even if the mini-homos at church WERE staring at your tube and you wanted to whip them with it. (I would have supported you, btw.)

I'm not judging your tubey-ness. I just miss you, and I was sad that you had to go to the sucky mcsuckfest hospital.

Hope your funk dies a horrible death.

Omg I'm so tired. I apologize for the randomness of this comment. Loves!

Standing in the Rain said...

Oh how I know the feeling. "Letting everyone down". It sucks big time. Hang in there. This too shall pass. One step closer to the end...wherever that shall be!

kristin said...

Just feel better, Brie. I'm rooting for you!

Take care!

love, kristin

jana bananas said...

Yay, a post from my Brie! I'm so happy. You could have just said "poopy mcpoopybutt" and I probably would have been somewhat satisfied because I just needed my fix. Ya know?

Glad the NJ tube is better. I'm glad everything seems to be straightening out. I am going to see you SO soon!

Jackie said...

I am so happy you are home and feeling better. I know the NJ tube is not fun but hearing how much beter you feel and how you are actually able to eat on your own is so good. I love and miss you!!!!

Lisa said...

An otherwise crappy doctor once told me that "it's easy to love, but it's so, so hard to BE loved." That sounds a bit like what you're going through with your family - disappointing people who love you is an awful feeling. However, I doubt they love and support you any less.

Hang in there, and make faces and people who are rude and stare at your tube.

Cammy said...

I am glad to hear that you're home, but I'm sorry it has been a rough few days. Keep hanging in there, and do NOT apologize for talking about serious/difficult stuff. Yes, we love it when you make us laugh, but being funny isn't your job, being Brie is your job. People love jokes, but they care about the real person behind them too, and real people get sad/pissed/confused sometimes, that's ok. Just keep on swimming and don't underestimate yourself.

CookieGirl said...

oh sweets, you don't have to be funny. I don't think many people would feel too giggly after an ordeal like that. So glad you are home safe with your little man. xoxoxo

brie said...

thanks all for your support and encouragement. i know i don't need to always be funny, but because 85% of my blog is usually funny, i feel as if people expect it...myself included, because truthfully, i enjoy those posts more too. :) at any rate, you're all wonderful, thanks for your love.

i'm on my way in an hour or so to see my doc (the delicious one). not very excited...i just want to be...well...*fine* and i'm really in a space where i want to be left more therapy or dietary appts...and while i know this is "bad" i just feel that i'd be fine if i didn't have a T and D telling my family i was in dire need of help and medical intervention. i spent a year at the weight i'm at now, and i was fine, and i ate, and my family thought i was fine...and now all these people are telling me i'm not fine and my family believes them...and i'm trying to...but it's all very tiring and frustrating. i hate this. :(

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are alive (like super glad!) and I'm glad you don't feel so nauseous! Love you.

zubeldia said...

honey, I am not convinced that you're fine at this weight just because you survived a year at this weight. The fact that your body is acting in crazy ways when you tried to feed it on your own is testament to how un-fine it is, chica. I know...

This is such a hard place to be.. and while I know the future ramifications of your ed and how it impacts your body are not really on your mind right now, you need to be reminded that the damage is slow, it's on going, it's insidious, and you're not, by any stretch of the imagination, okay.

I'm thinking of you, honey.

jana bananas said...

Ok, so I have to ask... why is your treatment team updating your family if you are over 18? Did you sign some sort of consent giving them permission to do that?

jana bananas said...

Alright, my thoughts since you didn't ask for them.

I know you're sick of all this shit you're going through. I can understand wanting to be left alone.

But I can tell you a few things:
1. It's not normal to be able to see all of your bones.
2. It's not normal to not be getting your period.
3. You're very tall so you need more food -- much more than I get the impression you've been eating over the past year.
4. You're underweight (by a lot) but you have even said recently that you feel fat. Hellooooo ED!

If nothing was wrong, you wouldn't have a zillion professionals fussing and on your ass all the time. You wouldn't have had to get an NJ tube at the hospital. See?

So I know it sucks. :( I'm not sure what else to say except that I heart you.

And I just want to chime in and say that you don't have to be funny on your blog because I just appreciate your posts because they come from you.

DaftDragon said...

hey dude, thanks for the comment... i'm pretty sure you don't know me (sadly), i just opted to creepishly pop in and comment one day. anywayz... good luck getting out of the funk, hate those days. sending good karma...

and a couple dirty little one-liners for shits and giggles:

what does a pervert do after sex? covers grandma back up.

when i was a kid my dad showed me pictures of why i shouldn't have sex... funny thing is they were all pictures of me.

peace out, feel better

H said...

Brie, I too agree with what zubeldia and jana bananas said so gently, yet honestly. You're in the midst of it all right now and it's hard to see the truth of what is happening. All those around you see it, please, please try to just believe them. Right now you're not in a good place, it sounds, to be making accurate decisions about your health. I'm actually a bit relieved that there are others out there who can support you in your decision making, as I care way too much for you to fall down that dang rabbit hole! If I was there I'd love to hang with you at Jamba Juice (my favorite place on the planet) and we could cheer away our blues with some high-cal smoothies!!! YUM!