Thursday, October 16, 2008

Tube Thieves and their Medical Coverage, & Bony Obama

Oh boysies, do I have a wealth of funnies for you today!!! Love it when the Blog Gods bless me with infor to the mation that will bring tidings of LOLing and ROFLing and LMAOing to all of you. Because I like you. I probably even love some of you. And that is why I am going to share this with you. It’s all about love, baby:

Okay, so first off? Last night I fell asleep on the sofa because I wanted to read before my sleepydrunky meds kicked in, and Big B was whining in a surprisingly charming and endearing way about the lamp disrupting his sleep. I don’t understand how it could, seeing as he’s asleep in 3.5 seconds once his head hits the pillow – and I swear this is not a joke, he’s like a weird incontinent (???) old man in that regard – but he said it was bugging him nonetheless, so I complied with his husbandly demands and grabbed Hugger and made my way to the couch.

So I’m out on the sofa, and I eventually Z out with my kitty wovers. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling weird happenings in my nose and throat. I start awake, only to find that both of my cats are PLAYING WITH MY TUBE. As in, FEEDING TUBE. Yeah, just batting it around like it’s a ball of yarn bought especially for them. The tape securing it to my face had come off, most of it had been slicked and slithered up and outta my nasal cavity, and as I glowered down at them, my kitties stared up at me with those big, innocent eyes, like, WTF Mom? This is fun! And tasty! Well, needless to say, by then they had pretty much licked up all my intestinal spillage and innard juices, and I felt sad and empty and vulnerable and, well, NAKED. Like my kitties had stripped me of my dignity and left me bereft of any decorum and self-respect I had. I mean, not only do I have to have an NJ tube, but apparently I have to have kitties who are amused with my medical needs. And they take advantage of me. They licked my intestines, or might as well have. They removed the equivalent of the bread of life from my esophagus, stomach, intestines, sinus and nasal cavities. They practically raped me.

So I yoinked it out all the way, which was only a few more inches, and watched the sneaky little snake coil into the garbage. And though I’ll have to go through the weird creepiness of having some PA rove around my small intestines again to replace what my kitties stole from me, at least today I can eat freely without the tube clinging to half the food I consume. I may as well take advantage of this glorious day and eat a chocolate tube-free donut, no? Yea, I shall partake.

Moving on to the next funny:
I was just in a meeting at work that was going over our medical benefits for 2009. They flew in an HR rep from corporate who explained what would stay the same, and what would change, etc. I was pretty much zoning out, planning what I’ll wear tomorrow (should I wear the green angora with the white scoop neck tee with my Big Stars, or my gray Free People with my MEK’s?) when HR Lady revealed that next year, there will INDEED be an option to elect medical coverage for your PETS! I PRACTICALLY YELPED IN DELIGHT!!! I mean, aside from the fact that electing to have medical coverage for my cats will practically cost more than it’ll cost to cover my family, who the hella cares? I mean, Bobbi breathes funny. She lumbers around when she walks, when she should be walking lithely like all the other felines. She’s LARGE. And she grunts when she breathes. And now, in 2009, I can explore why! I can get her the six boobie reductions she’s been begging me now for 3 years! I can get their teeth whitened! I could even – do I dare say it? – get them anal bleaching! AHHHHHHH! I’m so excited!!!

And last, but certainly not least,

Barack Obama is so skinny it’s practically triggering. Barack Obama has now become Bony Obama in my book. He’s practically a skeleton with ears. I’m not sure I can support a manorexic in the White House. TRIGGERTRIGGERTRIGGER!!!!

LOVE IT (and you)!!!

12 comments:

Emily said...

Wow, what your cats did is so gross. They LICKED the tube. Disgusting!... but funny at the same time. :) And pet health coverage? Wow. Wave of the future, eh?

And as for Obama, well, I don't care if he's skinny. I'm voting for him anyways. He doesn't trigger me.

jana bananas said...

Just stare at Barack's beautiful brown eyes. That's what I do.

John McCain was wearing so much makeup last night, it freaked me out.

So you are face naked? You gonna be tube-free over the weekend? We will make sure you eat a lot!

jana bananas said...

Are you planning your outfit for me?! Uh oh, I haven't done any planning yet. (Except to bring my 8" hooker boots.)

I hope your cats don't try to eat my retainers if I accidentally toss them out of my mouth, which I have been known to do.

Laura said...

Our neighbors dog ate my newborns diaper with shit in it. My friend pulled out a used tampon out of her dogs asshole. And my cat licked up toddler puke. Your tube story is equally disgusting, and yet, so fantastic.

Send Obama your tube.

Nichole said...

Hmmm, I will try sending it again.

Tanya said...

Oh wow. Your cats are so funny. I can't believe they did that. Though...cats are sneaky creatures...they love to make trouble. Thats part of why I like them so much. They are indifferent to our suffering. I wish I could mail you a picture...hmm maybe the link will give you something lol.

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/03/01/funny-pictures-to-your-suffering/

:) I love my lolcats :P

By the way I can't text but tell me what time is ok to call you?? We should do something soon. Before the surgery happens and I can't do anything :( Hugs.

brie said...

Okay, so I *did* take a jab at Obama's skinnynissity, but in all fairness, just to keep the playing field even, I'll also say that I'm not very inclined to vote for McCain until he invests in some teeth whitener. So there.

L, what a genius idea! BO TOTALLY needs a tube! It could totally get him a whole bunch o sympathy votes!

And JB, I do love you, but I wasn't planning my outfit *just* for you. I actually always plan what I'm going to wear so I can save myself a few minutes in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. :)

Keely said...

ha ha ha! I can just picture them pawing at your tube while you are fast asleep...so dainty and playful yet so grossly funny. :)ah, well. At least your throat won't be sore in the morning for a few days and it won't tighten up (or down?) when you swallow solid food. (I hated that.) Drink warm liquids if you do get another one. You think cold would feel better but it's actually warm. That is my 2 cents. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Abby said...

Oh, I am too behind to ever get caught up on blog-reading... but I skimmed most of what I missed, and I am, as usual, amazed by your adventures and humor and general geniusness. (Just humor me and pretend "geniusness" is an accepted word. It's late, and I'm tired, and adding the "-ness" makes it sound more like what I mean.) And I'm sorry that I missed out on providing dirty jokes in your time of need....

Kara said...

This post was hysterical! Thank you for making me laugh. I am sorry that you will have to endure them sticking another tube down your intestines though - yuck. At least you get a freebie weekend. And Obama is super skinny - maybe he should go to that men's ED advertised at the Center!

KC Elaine said...

you makey me laugh in the computer lab! bad kitties! bad skinny and bad makeup!

emily said...

I lost my phone this morning so texting is no bueno. leave a comment on my blog, ok?