But Brie, how do I find the coping mechanism that works for ME?

Well, I'll tell you!!! After extensive research, I have compiled a list of things that one can do to cope or escape or run from or hide or forget about the unfortunate thing they call their life. Read below, and pick what whets your whistle:

READING
I was spending $30 a week on books; I was reading them so talented-ly quickly. Big B told me I needed to remember what a library was – or else I’d read us out of house and hearth or whatever. Now I can read books reallysuperfast! When I bought them I always tried to drag them out for at least 2 days, sometimes if I could make it, I’d read it s l o w enough to read it in 3 days! Talk about being a total turtle, you know? Ick. Green doesn’t even look good on me! But now that I am the proud keeper of a library card, I can read one or two books a day without feeling guilty! For reals, totally gone through like, probably, 12 books in 2 weeks. I highly recommend this distracting method if you are interested in forgetting about your own story for awhile and delving into somebody else’s, preferably who has a worse lot in life than you do.

GLUTTONIZE IN FRONT OF THE TV
I didn’t used to be a big TV watcher until some genius (who was probably a GIANT couch potato) invented the TiVO. But the idea of “Record now, watch later” ranks up there with other life-changing inventions like sling-backs and mustard and ear plugs. You know? Even though reality TV isn’t actuality (Hellloooo MTV! Could your “reality” series get any more scripted?!) I enjoy seeing real life people get their 15 minutes of fame while entirely humiliating themselves. Good ‘ol sitcoms really hit my spot, too. The Office? My favorite! Runners-up include, but are not necessarily limited to: Project Runway, ANTM, Biggest Loser, (for reals almost cry every week!) 30 Rock, Grey’s, and Desperate Housewives. I’m trying to get into the new 90210 series, but the girls on the show are suuuuper skinny, and the storyline thus far is suuuuper lame; a total yawner. I give it 2 more weeks, tops. This method is highly recommended if the idea of burning brain cells may help decrease the amount of brain-power you devote to your sucktastic life.

SUDOKU
The people of Asian are so smart. I don’t even know how somebody invented this crazy number puzzle! (S)he must’ve had a really lame social life. At any rate, if you’re extremelyridiculously anxious, this is your best bet. When your leg’s a jigglin and your mind’s a racin’, focusing on numbers and charts forces your mind to more or less stay on track so you don’t screw up the puzzle – I HATE screwing up because I ALWAYS do it in pen, (My handwriting is SO MUCH cuter in pen than in pencil!) then I have to start over, and I call myself a tool and get really ticked – so to avoid all that, I tell my anxiety to simmer down so that I can focus and hopefully not lose more self-esteem by being a Sudoku loser. Being a loser of any kind sucks. Also, once you’re done, and you’ve been doing these for a good and steady 2, 3 hours, (think being locked at CFC during study hall – painfully yawningly lame) when you close your eyes, you see numbers and charts everywhere and can’t stop reciting the numbers 1-9 in your head. Kinda trippy, especially if you pretend like you’re on mushrooms and hallucinating. Bonus! This method is recommended if you are Asian, good at math, bad at math, or have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

SEX
Um. Talk to your therapist. You have what I like to call a little issue. This method is recommended, well, never? Unless you happen upon Will Smith or Shia LaBeouf? Maybe? No? [EDIT: Sex isn't bad, it's totally bama-wama. I only mean if it's an addiction, re: David Duchovny (whom I love). I don't discriminate!]

SHOPPING
I’m not entirely sure that this isn’t so much a coping method as another addiction. So, if you find yourself racking up the numbers on the CC, get a new hobby. Exactly. Those were Big B’s words: “GET A NEW HOBBY BRIE, RIGHT NOW!” So I did. Stick figures, the Paint program? Ringing any bells??? This method is recommended if you have rich parents or a rich spouse. Or if you whore yourself for money.

SLEEPING
AAAAAHHHH! This is my favorite. This is my vice. This feels better than drugs. Well, scratch that. Downers AND sleeping at the same time are best. Just kidding. Just say no!! At any rate, I’ve napped almost every single day of my life since I was 11. If I were any good at math, I’d calculate the months I’ve lost. Oh, sad. I’m starting to pine for my lost youth! This method is recommended if you have no social life or don't mind slaughtering the semblance of the one you do have. Not recommended if you are a sufferer of nightmares or bed-wetting.

Well, I’m certain there are dozens and dozens more I could list, but my left shoulder is starting to get strained from my fast-paced fingers whamming this thing out. Also, I need chapstick. And a life outside this blog. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go read before I fall asleep, and afterward I’m going to go shopping, buy a Sudoku book, then come home and watch TV. Then I’m gonna have me a little sex.

What about you??