Thursday, October 2, 2008

But Brie, how do I find the coping mechanism that works for ME?

Well, I'll tell you!!! After extensive research, I have compiled a list of things that one can do to cope or escape or run from or hide or forget about the unfortunate thing they call their life. Read below, and pick what whets your whistle:

READING
I was spending $30 a week on books; I was reading them so talented-ly quickly. Big B told me I needed to remember what a library was – or else I’d read us out of house and hearth or whatever. Now I can read books reallysuperfast! When I bought them I always tried to drag them out for at least 2 days, sometimes if I could make it, I’d read it s l o w enough to read it in 3 days! Talk about being a total turtle, you know? Ick. Green doesn’t even look good on me! But now that I am the proud keeper of a library card, I can read one or two books a day without feeling guilty! For reals, totally gone through like, probably, 12 books in 2 weeks. I highly recommend this distracting method if you are interested in forgetting about your own story for awhile and delving into somebody else’s, preferably who has a worse lot in life than you do.

GLUTTONIZE IN FRONT OF THE TV
I didn’t used to be a big TV watcher until some genius (who was probably a GIANT couch potato) invented the TiVO. But the idea of “Record now, watch later” ranks up there with other life-changing inventions like sling-backs and mustard and ear plugs. You know? Even though reality TV isn’t actuality (Hellloooo MTV! Could your “reality” series get any more scripted?!) I enjoy seeing real life people get their 15 minutes of fame while entirely humiliating themselves. Good ‘ol sitcoms really hit my spot, too. The Office? My favorite! Runners-up include, but are not necessarily limited to: Project Runway, ANTM, Biggest Loser, (for reals almost cry every week!) 30 Rock, Grey’s, and Desperate Housewives. I’m trying to get into the new 90210 series, but the girls on the show are suuuuper skinny, and the storyline thus far is suuuuper lame; a total yawner. I give it 2 more weeks, tops. This method is highly recommended if the idea of burning brain cells may help decrease the amount of brain-power you devote to your sucktastic life.

SUDOKU
The people of Asian are so smart. I don’t even know how somebody invented this crazy number puzzle! (S)he must’ve had a really lame social life. At any rate, if you’re extremelyridiculously anxious, this is your best bet. When your leg’s a jigglin and your mind’s a racin’, focusing on numbers and charts forces your mind to more or less stay on track so you don’t screw up the puzzle – I HATE screwing up because I ALWAYS do it in pen, (My handwriting is SO MUCH cuter in pen than in pencil!) then I have to start over, and I call myself a tool and get really ticked – so to avoid all that, I tell my anxiety to simmer down so that I can focus and hopefully not lose more self-esteem by being a Sudoku loser. Being a loser of any kind sucks. Also, once you’re done, and you’ve been doing these for a good and steady 2, 3 hours, (think being locked at CFC during study hall – painfully yawningly lame) when you close your eyes, you see numbers and charts everywhere and can’t stop reciting the numbers 1-9 in your head. Kinda trippy, especially if you pretend like you’re on mushrooms and hallucinating. Bonus! This method is recommended if you are Asian, good at math, bad at math, or have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

SEX
Um. Talk to your therapist. You have what I like to call a little issue. This method is recommended, well, never? Unless you happen upon Will Smith or Shia LaBeouf? Maybe? No? [EDIT: Sex isn't bad, it's totally bama-wama. I only mean if it's an addiction, re: David Duchovny (whom I love). I don't discriminate!]

SHOPPING
I’m not entirely sure that this isn’t so much a coping method as another addiction. So, if you find yourself racking up the numbers on the CC, get a new hobby. Exactly. Those were Big B’s words: “GET A NEW HOBBY BRIE, RIGHT NOW!” So I did. Stick figures, the Paint program? Ringing any bells??? This method is recommended if you have rich parents or a rich spouse. Or if you whore yourself for money.

SLEEPING
AAAAAHHHH! This is my favorite. This is my vice. This feels better than drugs. Well, scratch that. Downers AND sleeping at the same time are best. Just kidding. Just say no!! At any rate, I’ve napped almost every single day of my life since I was 11. If I were any good at math, I’d calculate the months I’ve lost. Oh, sad. I’m starting to pine for my lost youth! This method is recommended if you have no social life or don't mind slaughtering the semblance of the one you do have. Not recommended if you are a sufferer of nightmares or bed-wetting.

Well, I’m certain there are dozens and dozens more I could list, but my left shoulder is starting to get strained from my fast-paced fingers whamming this thing out. Also, I need chapstick. And a life outside this blog. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go read before I fall asleep, and afterward I’m going to go shopping, buy a Sudoku book, then come home and watch TV. Then I’m gonna have me a little sex.

What about you??

14 comments:

Nichole said...

Hey Brie!
I have definately learned that you enjoy reading, possibley more than I do. I don't know if you have seen my bookclub blog but you are always welcome to read along with us and post a comment or even a blog on there with your two cents. I would love to have your thoughts and it might give you some ideas of books to read that you haven't gotten to yet.
www.ourruminations.blogspot.com
Keep up your blogs! They make my day!

And sex is a great coping mechanism...

KC Elaine said...

you should totally have a separate blog with book reviews! I'm so excited, I get to spend a gift certificate to B&N today. any recommendations? I'll get I Am the Messenger like you said. Love the list. Why don't you recommend sex? I'm confused.

Steph said...

I loooove Sudoku. You're right, asians are so unbelievably smart! :)

brie said...

CLARIFICATION:
I recommend sex if you're monogamous, hell yeah. I guess I meant more like a sex or porn addiction...think David Duchovny.

brie said...

Oh, and thanks Nichole, I'll totally check out the blog!

Emily said...

Cool! Thanks for the list! I'll add to it on my blog. :)

Cammy said...

I hear you on the books. I finally got an Amazon.com card, thinking that I buy stuff there all the time and it would be best to have it all on a single bill I pay once a month...cowabunga, batman, for three months straight my book habit has cost over $200 for the month. Add "book buying" to the list of things I need 12 step programs for... ;P

Laur said...

Minen is books on tape, baths, and naps. (and sometimes even cleaning)
You are one of the only people I know who relies on a nap every day. I just feel like I am such a better mom and wife and house keeper etc if I have that nap every day. I love that you understand, and I know you do.
I go thru books on tape as much as you go thru actual books. It is my escape. I love it.
Baths are self explainatory, some people think baths are icky but i love them. I take one almost every day.
Then there is the cleaning thing, if I am insanely stressed, I clean because I stop thinking and it is a rest for my brain.
Love you babe.

jana bananas said...

I am jealous of your book reading abilities!

H said...

I love your list!!!! I'm definitely adding some of your ideas to my own personal one. How is it that you can always put a smile on my face?

Penny said...

I think that you have hit upon a great idea for us all. And , I, too, always need chapstick. You are kind of like Sarah paliln in the debate tonight! You relate with the "heartland". You speak for the common woman and you did not even know it!Kudos...

Laura said...

Since becoming a mommy, the only books I have the time to read are the childrens books that I read to them.
I am too tired for sex.
I DO watch TV, for sure...after the kids are asleep. Lipstick Jungle is my new addiction.
Nap? That would be fantastic...but who would take care of the kids? And do the dishes? And clean? And make dinner?
I have no credit cards anymore...that shopping thing really DOES get you in trouble!
No patience for puzzles
Don't even like chapstick

I DO like...to light a pretty smelling candle from Anthropologie...put on some sweet smelling hand lotion...make some coffee...call my sister...and the obvious, be a mommy. Hard to focus on myself and all that I hate when I am Wendy from Peter Pan fighting Captain Hook on the plank.

ania said...

I love your header.

I love it.

Shannon said...

Nice. I am a big fan of falling and falling hard into books or voyeuring in other people's lives by checking blogs. :) I also sometimes can get distracted and feel better about things if I clean, but usually I can't quite get up the motivation to get started. Anyway, hope you surface soon feeling a little better about life.