Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Oh How I Hate That Word

We think we know you.
We judge you prematurely.
For you are Brie, the Brie we have known for almost six years. Forever thin, forever starving yourself. In our minds, you will never be any different. But I protest, my voice shaking with emotion that I am eating, that I am recovering. “I find that hard to believe,” you state, “at your weight. I don’t believe you.”

And I weep. And weep some more. I cry because I can never get away from who I was, from the hollow, broken down shell of a person that I used to be. I cry because I want to be different, I yearn to be human and flawed and beautiful and honest, but instead you condemn me in your minds as the forever liar, the forever anorectic.

I’m crying now, crying so hard that it hurts in my stomach and in my ribs and in my lungs. I cannot talk and I cannot breathe. “Please hold on,” I try to say, but you only hear sobs and gulps for air. “Please, please give me a second chance. I need help. I want to gain weight. Please, I need help.”

“We can’t help you. You’ve used your chances.”

I desire nothing more than to defend myself, to enlighten you to the fierce, brave, and unique spirit that I am now. But you give me no chance for a reply, for in your mind, they are excuses, nothing more.
Because I will always be nothing but an eating disorder. Anorexic.

Oh how I hate that word.

17 comments:

KC Elaine said...

Brie, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened, but I'm so sorry. They're wrong. They just don't know. But I know you're trying so hard. I'm sorry for whatever happened.

KC Elaine said...

PS when you visited I was uber-impressed the way you went after that dessert. I didn't tell you, but I was quite terrified. anyway, who said that? I'll beat them up for you!

Stacy said...

:( I sad you sad... we believe you. Rock your recovery girl. Screw them!

I'm with K... we'll jump 'em (me and my 5'2" self)!

Emily said...

I don't know who said what to you, but they are wrong. You are a totally different person than you were even a year ago... a brighter, more optomistic, whole person... not a shell anymore. I believe in you, Brie. With all my heart. Don't know if I ever told you this, but YOU are one of my major inspirations for recovery.

heather said...

Woah now. I've been there, and it's a scary place to be.....when all you do and all you say never seems to make any amount of difference to what people believe about you. And you can't do much than what you're already doing....recovering. Recovery isn't perfect, we all know that, and so should they, if they had any sense. I'm so sorry you're feeling so un-believed. So un-supported. All of us were liers at some point....we had to be to keep our secrets, and it does take time for others to finally believe in us once again. I'm not excusing them, but hopefully soon they'll see the truth that you truly DO want recovery and are doing your damdest to achieve it. Not meaning to sound cheezy or anything (but you know me....I can be quite the cheese-ball)....this whole recovery thing isn't about the destination, anyway....it's about the process. It's about GETTING to the destination and all that entails. Keep believing in yourself and someday, hopefully, they will too.

aLana said...

good hell. thats preeeettty much the only way to describe my feelings on this one. my eyes are perpetually rolled at their lack of consideration and in utter disappointment and embarrassment at such a poor display of professionalism for a company that claims to be one of the best in the nation. its sad and lame and sucky and i'm sorry. i still can't believe she YELLED! wtf?! i sure do love you. ttyt.

Savannah said...

I'm sorry brie. I would take that person out at the kneecaps if I could. I believe in you 100%, and I know that you are working really hard. Don't forget how much we all care and know that you can do this. Love you!

brie said...

Thanks all for your support and love. I'm trying to remain optimistic and realize that those that truly love me, truly care about me, know me - ME. It shouldn't matter what other people think. So, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I've cried so much today that my eyes and nose and face are swollen and raw and blood-shot. But I'm not letting this bring me down - I'm actually using this experience to give me motivation to gain weight so that I can one day soon say, "I told you so, Bitches!!!"

Anonymous said...

Rock on my dear. Oh how I wish I had your fight when you know you are right. Oh so much of it is youth. Don't squander it on worries and others' expectations. You've only got this one big great time to be you and all of them do not matter. I love all of the comments of your friends. Each is right and they are young but they know and see the truth. You do too. Now keep going and grab the brass ring and fly.
Love,
Mom

Jinii said...

Reading that made me cry. Maybe it is just all the hormones but I think that is horrible to give up on someone like that. I have not known you through this whole battle you are facing but you have always been strong and I believe you can overcome anything. Good luck and let them know that an extremely hormonal pregnant woman might be calling and giving them a piece of her mind! I really enoy reading you blog so keep writing!

Jamie :) said...

You are so much more than that. I see that you know that and I only wish I could be there when you prove whomever said it, dead wrong. Brie- that is your name. That is you. That is who I know. And I am blessed for it. :)

jana said...

This is sad. This post confused me a little though to be honest...
If you're asking them for help, aren't you kind of confirming that you're still struggling? I don't know the story.

I've experienced mini-versions of this. Friends that didn't want to really let me back in their lives fully because they didn't "trust" me. They didn't want zombie Jana to come back and they didn't think I was doing enough to not let that happen. It was frustrating. And crappy.

Tanya said...

Brie,
I have been out of the loop for so long. This post makes me mad. Just because we are not making weight does NOT mean that we have lost our FIGHT. We still have that piece of us...a part that has a will all its own to call on a power greater than even that person who told you that. And I know...with the fight that you have in you, you can and you will beat this. You will show them that they were wrong to judge you, and that they had no right to make that judgment in the first place. Labels are just that...they are stickers like in that story where the little wooden people give each other dots and if you let yourself believe that they mean something then they stick and if you start to believe that they don't mean anything they all fall off...both the dots and the stars. You don't need any labels, because you are a shining star all you own, and you are beautiful and wonderful and all around great woman. I admire you for so many reasons that I can not even begin to tell you.

brie said...

Jana,

I am doing quite well with my eating disorder - I am severely underweight, but the doctors suspect it is more because my body has been damaged by so many years of anorexia. I went to my old treatment center to see a dietician to perhaps have her help me get on a weight gain diet to try to make weight gain happen, and they won't let me come back for outpatient services there because they think I'm in my eating disorder and will never really recover. They don't believe me that I'm doing well. It was just a blow. I was devastated that the people I've grown so close to at this particular treatment center no longer believe in me or want me to go there.

jana said...

Wow, how weird. On one hand, these people specialize in treating disorders, know you, and they are turning their backs on you. And then on the other, they are also a business and outpatient treatment costs money, so the fact that they'd turn down a patient surprises me. I don't even know what to think.

I could give you tips on weight gain: cookie dough, cookie dough, pizza, pizza, pizza. ;)

brie said...

Yes, Jana, exactly! Obviously they help girls who have eating disorders, obviously I'd pay for outpatient services...WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?! They're the ones who tell us that recovering from an eating disorder takes an average of seven years - and that's only once you begin getting help, not once you start your eating disorder. So, I've been getting help for six. I've got at least another one year to make it within the statistic! Seriously...I don't even know. And I've decided I don't care. I'm done with these people. They've helped me so much, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let their idiotic comments ruin me as they almost did that first day I had that conversation. :) I've found a new dietician, and I see her on Tuesday, and I'm sure she'll be kick-ass. :)

jana said...

Yeah. They can go suck a butt!

I was given a speech that if I left treatment I would die and it was so lame and I just felt like they just wanted my money and didn't really care about ME. I was only there for 10 days -- I was hardly invested.

But your situation is entirely different and I think it's awful that they would tell you that basically you're a lost cause. WTF? Sigh. I know what I would do...I'd write letters to them. It feels good! I don't know if it would do any good but they should know how UNHELPFUL they are and how damaging comments can be.

I hope you like your new dietician! It's an important relationship in recovery.