Sunday, February 10, 2008


Tonight, I look impeccable. Sylish. A black high-waisted skirt with stiletto ankle boots make me look slim and classy. My hair is sleek and shine-a-wow, and my makeup is simple and clean.

But I sit here, and I feel small, and ugly, and inferior. I shift uncomfortably in my chair and try to slow the anxious tapping of my foot.
My mind wanders.
I squint my eyes in an effort to augment my vision to see more clearly, for I neglected to wear my glasses tonight (I didn’t want them to cause discord with my outfit).

And then I think: "If I can’t see them, perhaps they can’t see me." What a hopeful thought, though my adult mind is far too seasoned to fall for such childish niceties that shield the human mind from pain. No, they can see me. But no one really knows, really sees, do they? We never really can accurately probe the psyche of another. Our private pain, insecurities, and oddities remain hidden. Everyone masks them differently. In my case, I choose to veil my ugliness with beauty. With fashionable clothing. With expertly applied makeup.
With nothing that is real.


heather said...

You're honesty is so vulnerable, so many people don't reach in and grab all those sometimes scary truths...but you're getting it out in writing, and that's sooooo excellent! And although you may feel ugly, small, and insignificant...and maybe even "ugly".....I beg to differ. I will acknowledge your feelings (I would never minimize how you feel), but I will not agree with them.....You are brilliant in both mind, body, and spirit. Hang on to that image of shine in all human capacities...even in your weaknesses and struggles. I must admit, I too have wanted to be hidden...more so than anyone knows. I too wish if I could just close my eyes, nobody would see me (hell, I still do that!). But we're on the same journey...many of us....learning to live with this vessel that's been given, with great care, to us. We're all in the process of learning to see it through God's patient with yourself. Someday you'll see with new eyes and a new and refreshed mind.

Mom said...

I will never forget the night you read "The Velveteen Rabbit". I think you grasped then that being loved exposes one to reality that cannot always be controlled. You may still try to cover your reality up but you have come so very far. You made the decision to travel the Road of Life and be willing to go where it takes and isn't it a wonderful adventure? We all get scared or cover up sometimes but just being along for the ride, thats the whole point. Remember perfection is never attained at any particular place, and the joy is to be here on the journey. And one more thing, except for friends and family, everyone else is too wrapped up in their own journey's to be concerned with yours'. I agree with heather that you just hang on to that image of brilliance...and don't be afraid of it. I love you girl,