Soliloquy on...er...Socks

I never knew I could be so passionate about, well, socks.  I never knew that I'd get so excited to buy them I'd practically have a heart attack, then go into a coma from the shopping high.  Or something.

I bought Mila these socks yesterday.  They are amazing.  They are so adorable.  I wish I could wear them, seriously, because I would.

If you're interested in buying them for your little one, you can get them at Nordstrom.  Or here, online.  I'm going to buy these ones next.  They had adorable ones for baby boysies, too.

The ribbon, the ballet slipper design, the sweet colors...everything.  I love.  (But my wallet didn't.)  (Oops.)

Also, as a quick aside, Mila went in for her 4 month checkup today.  She is slightly above average for height, and slightly below average for weight.  Her pediatrician wasn't concerned about this at all though, seeing as Mila's mommy and daddy and big brother are all pretty much built the same way.  I guess I just make 'em tall and skinny!

She also had to get her shots today and she was such a brave lil' womanly.  It makes me so sad when they cry because they have no idea why they're being hurt, it just breaks my heart.  But she only cried for a few minutes then completely de-freaked and got it together.  I've given her Tylenol for the pain and she's good as new. 
Especially in her new, dainty socks!

Simply love.

Brandon took a series of pictures of me and the kiddos tonight.  I love it for several reasons:

1. Getting both of my children to be looking in the relative direction of the camera at the same time is unheard of.
2. I love how Mila's tummy is sticking out, all big and healthy and full of milk.  I think it's adorable.
3. Cade with his arms wrapped around my leg.  Somehow it's so comfortable and familiar and "Yeah, I know, Mom's got my back."  Makes me feel good.
4. Lovelovelove that I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans.  Hello Big Stars, I've missed you!
5. Mila's bonnet makes me want to squeeze her cheeks.  I bought it at H&M, possibly the only decent thing in that store.
6. I look so happy in this picture.  Like, REAL happy, not pseudo-smiling-for-the-sake-of-posterity-but-inside-I-feel-like-crap happy.  I think you can really tell.
7. I look at this photo, and I think, "Did I really make those two awesome human beings?  Am I really lucky enough that they are mine?"
8. Why yes, yes I am.  :)

Goofy Girl

Oh hey.  I like to smile.

I also like to make silly faces.

But I haven't quite figured out what to do when this happens...

Goofy girl.  She makes me happy.  :)

Miss 4 Months

Mila is 4 months old today.  I can't believe how fast this time is flying.  It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital, all teeny and red-faced and squirmy.  She is so big now!

A few things about Mila at 4 months:
Mila has started solid food and likes it alright.  She's not thrilled about it, but the other day I gave her tapioca pudding and she about died.  She's still not a huge fan of her rice cereal though, and only eats that begrudgingly.  Pretty soon I'm going to start her on sweet potatoes and pears - Cade loved both of those, and I'm hoping Mila will too.

Mila Bean still doesn't roll over or do anything really but hold up her head.  She's still not really into trying to grab toys or anything, and she's not yet hit the stage where she puts everything in her mouth.  She seriously must be so bored!  Doesn't that sound boring?

I don't know what Mila weighs, but I'm taking her in for her 4 month wellness checkup this week, so I'll find out soon.  I'd guesstimate she's probably 11 or 12 lbs though.  She has a big belly and little rolls on her thighs and they are so adorable and I want to squish them!

Mila is a pretty happy baby.  She rarely cries really hard, and almost always if she is, it's because she's hungry.  Usually she's pretty chill enough to just sit and watch Mommy and Daddy play on Mommy's iPad.  ;)  She loves to be near someone though, and she'll just sit and stare at you and smile until you feel so guilty that you're not looking back at her and interacting with her!

I'm excited for Mila to start sitting up and crawling and growing up.  Right now she's kind of in the inbetween stage between newborn and infant, but soon I think she's going to start hitting all these really fun milestones.  I can't wait, because I am just enchanted by everything this girl does.  :)

Love you Miss Mees!

The first and last time

...you will EVER see me dance.

Somehow my sister (which one was it, it had to have been Misty...?) convinced the rest of us to dance in the talent show today.  I am many things, but a dancer is not one of them.  So watch and laugh.  (I'm the one in gray, all the rest of those tall, hot, beautiful women are all my sissies (minus Tawny).  Enjoysies!

Cade Dances

Every year at Thanksgiving, my fam holds a talent show.  Cade spontaneously decided he wanted to dance.  It was so cute.  Here's the vid! (My favorite part is the enthusiastic punch at the end.  :)

Cool.

Used this app to make these pictures.  It allows me to free-form paint over photos.  Pretty cool.

I'm not very good at it yet - there's a ton more to learn, but it's still fun and absolutely addicting and I'm making some pretty cool stuff.

Mila Chows Down

I gave Mila her first solid food today - a bit of rice cereal.  I know she's a little young to be starting solids; I didn't start Cade til he was close to 4 1/2 months - but Mila is READY.  She is hungry all the time, and most of all she's just plain ol' bored and needs something to do, so I decided to let her eat!

The cereal itself is disgusting - a little rice cereal mixed with hot water and formula - I tried a little bit and literally gagged and made that gross/shudder face that a kid makes when sucking on a lemon - but fortunately, Mila is kind of too stupid to know what's good and what's gross, seeing as she's never tasted Diet Coke or maple donuts before.  Her standards are low.

She wasn't very good at eating, but they never are the first time around.  She didn't even know what to do with the stuff in her mouth - she'd kind of slosh it around her mouth then push it back out with her tongue.  It made for a very messy meal, but I'm sure she'll get better at it.  :)

Randomosity

There are no silk pajamas under $50 in the state of Anywhere.  Just ask my sore feet and cranky baby who trolled the mall for 3 hours looking for said jammies.  Sorry, Mom.

On the bright side, I bought C and M's Thanksgiving outfits today.  They are going to look perfect.

I own ZERO articles of clothing from Gap, don't much like their style for me.  However, the majority of my children's wardrobe is from Gap Kids.  Weird?

My Diet Coke consumption is increasing at a dramatic rate.  I stopped drinking it (or had caffeine-free) when I was pregnant and nursing, but now that no little parasite depends on my body for anything, I am filling it with the sweet, sweet nectar of aspartame and carbonation.  I need to tone it down!

I am mostly only posting this today because I didn't want my last blog at the top of the page anymore.  I get nervous and weird when I post about my eating disorder now.

I love my kids.  I am realzing more and more that my calling in this big 'ol world is to be a good mama to my children.  I know this sounds so incredibly after-school-television-special, but when I see them happy and safe and content, it makes me feel better.  Like all is right in the world.

I am debating on going Black Friday shopping or not.  I go every year, but now I'm wondering if the cost of staying up all night and elbowing my way past hysterical women clutching this season's hottest items is worth the benefit for saving a few bucks.  Plus, I have no one to go with.  :(  Any brave takers?

I have joined Twitter (again) with a little trepidation - last time I used it, I didn't like it much and honestly found all the tweets somewhat annoying.  But I'm more or less liking it this time around.  Find me by @briebreivik or there is a link to my profile page as well on my side-bar.

Breaking Dawn.  The broken headboard and feathers.  The bony (but obviously fake) grossness  of Kristen Stewart.  The wolves talking in robot voices to each other.  All parts of the movie that were supposed to be serious, but in which I roared so hard I was practically rolling in the aisles.

Mila is almost 4 months old.  It's so weird to think she is that old.  Kind of brings back bitter memories, too, because I left Cade to go to inpatient treatment exactly on his 4 month birthday.  It sickens me that I let my eating disorder get so severe that I literally had to leave my own child.  It serves as a good reminder to keep myself healthy at the present because I NEVER want to do that to Mila, and I don't know what Cade would do if I had to leave him again.  Nuh uh no way never.

My iPad is still awesome.

This Time of Year

I'm still sick, but I'm like dying in my boredom, so post an update it is.  Mila is napping and Cade is duly distracted by the Wii, so I have a bit of time to give you guys more of a meaty update, as most of my posts lately have been short or just pictures.

fun picture taking

What is it about this time of year that is difficult?  I LOVE Christmas, especially more so now that I have kids; Cade's excitement and wonderment of the season makes me so happy to witness and share with him.  But there's also no denying that the Thanksgiving/Christmas/Insert that Jewish Holiday too, don't know how to spell it -- is really difficult.  I always seem to struggle more with my ED during the holidays.  I have been thinking a bit about it, about why I do this, and I don't feel I have a concrete answer.

Oh, sure, I have plenty of excuses:  I need to lose pregnancy weight, (though that isn't much of an excuse anymore because I have technically lost it all) I don't like my body, feeling emotions is overrated, the sky is blue, Dumbledore is gay, engaging in my eating disorder seems to make sense in some twisted way. (LOL that rhymed!) I don't know.  It could be some of those things or none of those things or all of those things.

All I know is that right now, I am struggling.  Pretty bad.

And it's not particularly my mood; I think my ED has kind of made this pleasant numbness come over me.  Sure, I have a bit of anxiety, but for the most part I don't feel much.  But I will admit that my eating disorder behaviors are, at times, winning the battle over recovering v. relapsing.  And "relapsing" is a strong word, because I'm nowhere near that.  But if I don't get my shite together, it could eventually get there.

Thanksgiving is particularly tough for me.  I think it is because I have some pretty rough memories from this day over the years...two years ago I had just lost Kendall, very close to Thanksgiving of 2002 I lost my grandmother, and on Thanksgiving day of 2001, I began to engage in my eating disorder so severely that I lost a dramatic amount of weight in a very short time, and a few months later, landed myself in inpatient treatment for the first time.  Why I chose that day over any other in the year, I don't know.  But I don't like it.

But this year I am going to have a big piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and I am going to have some hot rolls with butter that melts in your mouth, and I'll have me some mashed potatoes and gravy, too.  And I won't let past memories from this day bring me down.  And, if I'm lucky, I'll make some truly amazing memories with my sweet little family that I'll cherish and think about when I picture Thanksgiving, rather than some of the prevalent memories that cause some grieving.  And yes, old habits die hard, but I guess it's just time to make some new habits, then, isn't it?

HipstaPrints From a Sickie

I'm feeling quite under the weather, so  no real post from me today.  Me muchos tired.  Instead here are a few pics I've taken, mostly with the Hipstamatic app.  If you have an Apple Toy and don't have this app downloaded, then you are a fool.  A big, giant FOOL.  I am obsessed with this app and can't stop using it.  Anyway, I used it to take a few pics.  So, enjoysies:

I love my kids, and Cade loves his quesadilla.

 Love me my man and my man-child.

 I am taking copious amounts of HipstaPrints of my cats.  It's like crack, only it doesn't kill brain cells and it's not against the WoW.  Plus, my cats are much less wiggly than my children, and Brandon is just unwilling to be my subject, so the cats luck out by default.  But I still think they're precious.

 Bobbi looks like she's posing for a glamour shot.  It's so dramatic it kind of makes me laugh.

Recent Prints

I have been messing around on my iPad and taking some really cool photos, or changing them or enhancing them in some way.  I've had a lot of fun - but admittedly I don't know what I'm doing - hopefully I'll get better at it.  Anyway, thought I'd share, as my children are adorable, despite my mediocre skills.

Well Hello, Beautiful

I've been MIA for the past few days because something extraordinary has happened in my life.  I have been transformed.  I have been transfixed.  I have been smitten.  I have been awed.

I have an iPad.

Brandon surprised me with it on Saturday.  I got out of the shower, walked into my bedroom to get dressed, and there she was, waiting for me on my pillow.  I did a naked happy dance that involved an irish jig and the running man and a kick or two.  Her name is PaddyCake and we are in love.  We do everything together.  We're a team.  I love her.  I'd devour her if I could.

So if I'm not around over the next few days, it's because I'm getting to know PaddyCake in every way possible.  I must explore this new iWorld that has just opened up to me!  She is so perfect, and her look is complete with an orange smart cover.  Could Brandon have done a better job picking out what I wanted - a white iPad with an orange cover?  That is SO ME.

PS - if you have any favorite apps, please share, as I am new to the Apple App World and would likey me some suggestions.

PPS - yes, that is my BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS PERFECT cat set as my wallpaper.  Everyone makes fun of me when they see it because they think it should be a picture of Mila or Cade or something.  What can I say, I guess I'm just nerdy like that!

Remembering on this day.

In loving memory, Kendall Penny Breivik.

I've been thinking a lot today about Kendall (obviously).  And I've been SO SAD.  Because honestly, 2 years ago today, was probably the worst day of my life.  I sat alone in a cold dark examining room while my doctor told me that my daughter was gone.  There are no happy memories of this day.  And so I have been overwhelmed with those past feelings and memories of something so traumatic.

And yet.

I can't regret how everything happened, can I, because then that would mean regretting how things turned out and regretting that Mila is here.  If Kendall had lived, then I would not have Mila, and that is not acceptable to me - Mila is already such an integral part of my life and my heart; I absolutely cannot picture my life without her in it.  So yes, everything happened for a reason, and it happened as it was supposed to.

But that doesn't mean that this day doesn't still hurt.
So I've cried.  A lot.
And I've remembered her.
And I've missed her.
And then I'm going to gather my baby girl in my arms and snuggle with her and tell her all about her big sister Kendall, who gave this most amazing sacrifice, so she could be here.
And then I'll be okay.

(Thank you to the overwheming number of people who wrote love on their ams today and sent me pictures.  Each one filled me with gratitude that I have such awesome people in my life who remember me and what happened.  I am truly blessed to have all of you.)

Commemorating Conundrum

What is everybody up to this weekend?  I don't have much going on, and with tomorrow being The Anniversary, I am nervous not having any plans, because I'm worried I'll get really sad and somber and just down; I wish I had something to do to keep me occupied.  It's hard not having a grave I can put flowers on or any photos to look back on for memories - all I have are blurry ultrasound photos and the remembrance of her movements inside me.  I want to remember Kendall, but I don't know how to.  I wrote her a letter, and I thought about sharing it here on my blog, but in the end decided not to, because it is extremely raw and extremely personal.  But...it just feels wrong to pretend like it is any other day and not do anything to respect and commemorate her.  I just don't know what to do.  :/

...It seems everybody that's cool these days in Blog Land is signing off with a cute little signature.  I was kind of jels looking at everybody else's, so I decided to make one of my own.  Don't know if it'll last, but I'm kind of a fad girl, so I'll go with it.

Pom Pom Headband

I found this tutorial (thank you Pinterest!) for a pom pom headband for Mila.  I think it turned out pretty darn snazzy.  The worst part was cutting out the fabric circles; I wanted to poke out my eyes with the scissors because of the monotony, but I was happy with the end result.  And of course it doesn't hurt that my daughter absolutely ROCKS the headband and makes it look even more adorable!

Reasons to Recover Craft

So last week, the T asked me to write a list of reasons to recover, despite the fact I hate my body where it is and wish it could be smaller.  So I wrote the list, and read it to her in our next session.  She remarked that the list was all well and good, but how was it going to be helpful to me?  If I just folded it up and shoved it into the cavernous depths of my diaper bag, and promptly forgot about it, then why was writing the list even beneficial in the first place?  Hmmm.  Good point.

So I decided to make this craft.  I got a canvas and painted on it, then wrote my reasons to recover on the canvas, then mod podged over the whole thing.  And really, it doesn't look very good, and it's only going in my bathroom so that most people don't see it, but at least I did something with it, right?  At least I'll look at it every day and remember why it is so vital that I get over this and move on and finally live. 

I kind of felt like I was inpatient again, (holy blast from the Sick Person blast!) in art therapy, doing some sort of artistic project that was supposed to, like, make me recover, and it kind of gave me the eebie jeebies!  -- It felt pretty foreign, and I actually didn't really enjoy Art Tx much in treatment, so I'm surprised I went for this, but I like the outcome, and I'm glad I did.  Crafty Brie is certainly emerging more and more!  At least I'm putting some of this creative energy to good use, right?

An Anniversary

This Saturday, November 12, 2011, marks the 2 year anniversary of losing my sweet Kendall.  I hope you will remember her on this day with me by writing love on your arm.  I'd love your support, and I know she would, too.

Last year I remembered her in this way.  This year I am going to do something special, too.

Trying my Hand at Painting

I am posting these pictures with a little trepidation; I know I'm not the greatest painter in the world, but when Angela suggested we do a painting craft, I decided I'd try it.  Keep in mind that I have NEVER painted in my entire life - never once have I taken a painting class; the closest I've come was painting an apple with watercolors in 6th grade.
And these are supposed to be abstract.  And they're not even close to perfect, but that's kind of what I was going for.  And my self-esteem is already tenuous, so please don't make fun of me.  That's all!

Mila:

And here was the inspiration for the painting:

Cade:

Here was the picture I used for him:

Mila's painting was especially hard because I originally started the painting in color, only to quickly realize that black and white is muuuch easier.  So I had to go over my color and Angela helped me re-work it, and this is what was eventually the end result.  Cade's was much easier to do; the shadowing and coloring was much simpler.  Also, I was actually holding Mila in one arm while I painted, because she was fussy, so I suppose I get a few more points for painting with an infant in my arms!

So there it is.  Don't know if I'll ever attempt it again, but hey, now that I don't have an ED and am trying to figure out what I am other than That Skinny Sick Chick, maybe it was okay to try painting.  I discovered I'm certainly not The Bad Ass Painter, but maybe I'll figure something else out.  :)

A Post Pregnancy Update

I just realized my blog might be kind of boring lately, as most of my posts have been Pinterest-related.  So, in the interest of, well, being interesting, I'll give you an update:

I have officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight; it took me EXACTLY 3 months to get there.  Yes, I am glad, and yes I'm relieved that all my old jeans fit, but I will admit that at times I did use my eating disorder to help me lose the weight, and that is something I'm not proud of.  I remember back when I was super freaking pregnant and about to explode with Mila, I thought back to my pre-pregnancy size, and thought, "If I can just get to X weight I will be so happy and never complain about my weight again."  But, sadly, I do wish I was thinner, even at this weight.  My body has been changed by pregnancy, so even though I'm at the same weight I was before, I don't actually look the same - specifically, my stomach.

So I mentioned just now that I still wish I could lose weight.  I want to address that.  I'm telling you this because I want to be honest, and because yes, I still struggle a bit at times with my ED.  BUT even though I want to lose weight, I'm not going to.  I have talked with my treatment team, and we have all come to the conclusion that losing more weight at this point would be a pretty terrible idea - not just physically, but it could really aid the ED mentality to linger, plus I'm at a perfectly normal and average weight for my height, so there's no need to go lower than I already am.

I think that's a step in recovery in and of itself - of wanting to lose weight, but not letting those thoughts and urges actually manifest themselves into behaviors.  Just because I want to, doesn't mean I have to or that I should.  You know?

So, hello Weight Maintenance!  So nice to finally meet you.  I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.  :)

Mint Chocolate Deliciousness

I found this recipe for mint chocolate chip cookies on Pinterest and about died - sweet gravy train, I knew I had to make them!  I think the last time I made cookies was when I was 7, and helping my mom - no kidding, I am not a baker.  But these made me come out of my non-baking hibernation, and they were sooooo worth it!  You seriously need to make these bad boys.

 I had enough extra that we're going to take plates of cookies to some new families that have moved in near us, just to welcome them to the neighborhood.  So making cookies and doing an act of service in ONE DAY?  I'm on a roll!

(Okay, so they're not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world.  But they still taste yummers!)

Pinspiration: My Take on the Onesie

Angela and I got together yesterday to make onesies for our little ones.  She's an expert at All Things Crafty, so she whipped up like 5 freakin' onesies before I'd even finished my ONE...I'm so slow, and NOT because I'm a perfectionist, but only because I have no idea what I'm doing!  Anyway, despite the terror of the Crafty Unknown, I think they turned out pretty cute!

 The two onesies I made for Mees.  (Yes, that's a pig, and yes, it's wearing a pearl and rosette collar!)

Inspiration for these onesies here.