Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Weighty Frustrations

WARNING:
This post will of course not contain any numbers whatsoever, but I am going to talk about my weight.  So if this easily triggers you or you don't care or whatever, then pllleeeaaaase skip this post.  I don't want any angry nay-sayers in the comments; I just need to vent.

I just saw my dietician.  She told me that I cannot lose any more pregnancy weight.  Now, granted, I am soooooooo close to having lost it all, so really I suppose I'll live, but I very  much wanted to lose that last little bit to get to where I was before I had Mila.  All of my pre-pregnancy jeans fit, though there are a couple pair that are a little tighter than I want them to be.  But the D told me that they're worried my weight loss is too eating disordered, so until I can start to let go of some of the ED behaviors, I can't lose weight because my treatment team is not convinced I am doing it in a completely healthy and appropriate way.

I know they only have my best interest in mind.  And I'm going to trust them.  But it's SO HARD.  I barely said anything during my appointment today because I was angry and a little bummed about all this.  I get confused because EVERY WOMAN, whether or not she has an ED, wants to lose their baby weight.  So why can't I?  I guess the line between losing weight in a healthy way, and losing weight in an ED way, is just a little blurred right now.  But I wish it was clearer, because I am confused.

She also took away exercise, but really, running a wimpy one mile at a time kinda sucked anyway.  But my goal was to work up to more exercise, not less.  Duh.  Sucks I can't keep my exercise privileges for more than two weeks.  :(

Sigh.
I just feel really discouraged.
Words of wisdom would be appreciated, or even just some support.  I could totally use my own personal cheerleader right now.

9 comments:

Tylaine said...

Brie I'm so sorry for your frustration. Although I can't relate I know how much it sucks to have to wait for things to get better feeling that they're going waaay to slow. I do admire your courage in trusting in your treatment team. You have done such a fantastic job in changing your life and have come so far. You are such a beautiful person and have a wonderful family. It sucks waiting but just remember that nothing worthwile comes easy (I do hate cliches)

Cammy said...

There is nothing worse than not being comfortable in your own skin, and I hate that it's a rough time for you now Brie. I know you were really excited to get exercise privileges back, but hang in there, there WILL be a time when you get it back.

Maybe just view this as a checkpoint? You have lost that baby weight way faster and more thoroughly than most people do, and there is nothing to be ashamed of about your body (and wouldn't be even if you hadn't lost an ounce. You have built two humans with that body and were beautiful the entire time you were doing it--damn, girl!).

A therapist once told me that when someone with an ED is losing weight, for whatever reason, it's like holding a loaded gun without the safety on. You may not intend to shoot it, but accidents happen. Not trying to question your motives or honesty at all of course, but I think that if ED issues were entirely voluntary and conscious all of the time then all of our lives would be pretty different...

Anyway not trying to make it seem as though I'm not sympathetic to how hard this must or that I'm questioning your veracity--your work in recovery over the past year or year and a half has been totally inspiring and awesome, and I have ton of respect for your strength. Just keep on hanging in there, and remember that everyone that knows you loves Brie, not the tag in the back of her jeans. Your kids like being in their mom's arms and don't think about whether those arms are bigger or smaller than they were a month ago. You've been through a lot and had the pregnancy/birth experience relatively soon after making a ton of recovery progress, so try to give your body the benefit of the doubt and let it find an equilibrium...

Sorry for the book-length comment. In a nutshell, remember that the only way out is through. I hope that you can trust your team and that they in turn are listening to you enough that they can help get you to the place you deserve to be with this.
<3
C.

Erin said...

So here's what I think...
While I think it sucks that they're saying this and don't really like their over-controlling (it seems like they do that sometimes), I think I actually (gasp!) agree with them right now. I've talked to you outside your blog as we are friends, and I have been worried. I don't really think you're rocking at recovery or whatever right now, so I think it's best that you chill and take their advice. For now. Of course re-evaluate when you're in a better head space. I think that if you follow your meal plan, your body is going to do what it needs to do. It's going to go where it wants. Who knows, maybe that *is* a few pounds less. I mean, it could be. Or maybe not. You're not going to know until you try I guess.

April said...

I'm not so sure about words of wisdom, but I sure can offer support, and I know I'm a good cheerleader! :)

brie said...

april, your comment made me laugh! you are definitely an amazing cheerleader, among many other (really cool) things. :)

cammy and erin and tylaine, i also appreciate your comments and support. it means a lot to have people rooting for me during this sucky time.

eden said...

i'll just cheer too.

yay for brie! you rock girlie.

Åsa said...

I know it's hard but you have to remember you were probably a bit underweight when you got pregnant. Your idea of what is "normal" is most likely a bit skewed. I would trust them, I know I had to (not your team but my own) and things do get better. Hang in there, you have a beautiful family!!

t. said...

that sounds frustrating. i'm sorry, brie.

bri said...

I love u Brie! Can't say enough how proud I am of you. You are such a great example to all of us of keeping up the fight. Youre an inspiration...that is all:) xoxo