|fun picture taking|
What is it about this time of year that is difficult? I LOVE Christmas, especially more so now that I have kids; Cade's excitement and wonderment of the season makes me so happy to witness and share with him. But there's also no denying that the Thanksgiving/Christmas/Insert that Jewish Holiday too, don't know how to spell it -- is really difficult. I always seem to struggle more with my ED during the holidays. I have been thinking a bit about it, about why I do this, and I don't feel I have a concrete answer.
Oh, sure, I have plenty of excuses: I need to lose pregnancy weight, (though that isn't much of an excuse anymore because I have technically lost it all) I don't like my body, feeling emotions is overrated, the sky is blue, Dumbledore is gay, engaging in my eating disorder seems to make sense in some twisted way. (LOL that rhymed!) I don't know. It could be some of those things or none of those things or all of those things.
All I know is that right now, I am struggling. Pretty bad.
And it's not particularly my mood; I think my ED has kind of made this pleasant numbness come over me. Sure, I have a bit of anxiety, but for the most part I don't feel much. But I will admit that my eating disorder behaviors are, at times, winning the battle over recovering v. relapsing. And "relapsing" is a strong word, because I'm nowhere near that. But if I don't get my shite together, it could eventually get there.
Thanksgiving is particularly tough for me. I think it is because I have some pretty rough memories from this day over the years...two years ago I had just lost Kendall, very close to Thanksgiving of 2002 I lost my grandmother, and on Thanksgiving day of 2001, I began to engage in my eating disorder so severely that I lost a dramatic amount of weight in a very short time, and a few months later, landed myself in inpatient treatment for the first time. Why I chose that day over any other in the year, I don't know. But I don't like it.
But this year I am going to have a big piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and I am going to have some hot rolls with butter that melts in your mouth, and I'll have me some mashed potatoes and gravy, too. And I won't let past memories from this day bring me down. And, if I'm lucky, I'll make some truly amazing memories with my sweet little family that I'll cherish and think about when I picture Thanksgiving, rather than some of the prevalent memories that cause some grieving. And yes, old habits die hard, but I guess it's just time to make some new habits, then, isn't it?