Monday, November 30, 2009

The Plan (she says, irritated)

My life, currently, sucks as much as hair on soap or getting stuck behind a bad/slow/stupid driver. Or a rotten tuna sandwich.

Why, you ask? Because apparently I need a life-sustaining, soul-sucking babysitter. The Food Police are realllllly ridin’ my ass.

Breakfast? Twin Brother brings it to me, and watches me eat it. Chomp chomp yum yum.
Morning snack? Same thing. (Except the smell of Boost makes me want to up some chuck.)
Lunch: oh, Mom’s totally all over that shiz.
Afternoon snack: Brandon brings it promptly at 3:30,Grinning hopefully like a mad mad fool because he loves me and he wants meat on my bones.
Dinner – Mom: “You need to eat more.”
Evening snack: Brandon: “Here’s a Boost, honey.”

I know it’s not their fault they have to do this. (Let’s blame the T and the D.) And I know they don’t want to be the food police. I’m sure they hate it just as much as I do. Well, they probably don’t, because the silent rage that courses through me when I see them stare at me while I push crumb after crumb in my mouth cannot compare to the mild discomfort they feel. I know it. Their distress is multiplied 100 times plus my body mass index, and then doubled by all the calories I’m eating every day which then, finally, equals my distress. True story.

But if I don’t do this whole “creating inpatient in an outpatient setting,” thing, then I’ll have to actually, you know, go inpatient. AND THAT IS NOT AN OPTION NOT EVER EVER OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Apparently losing xx lbs in 2 weeks isn’t “normal,” even if I am grieving.

And dammit here I thought I was, all, like, recovered. Sorry you guys, I guess I'm not.

I miss Kendall.

18 comments:

Cammy said...

First of all, that equation for distress is the most brilliant derivation I have ever seen. Will watch for you at the Nobel ceremony next year. ;)

More importantly, you shouldn't be apologizing to us, or to anyone. You have had an unbelievably rough past few weeks, both physically and emotionally. Even the most stable Pollyanna-ish cartoon character of an optimist would probably have been rocked off kilter.

But here is what I see, Brie. I see you admitting things are difficult, instead of presenting some false facade of stoicism. I see you expressing pain through writing. I see you continuing to go to therapy even when the team is kicking your ass. I see you acknowledging that the people that want you to eat more and treat yourself better are doing it out of love, not some conspiracy to make you fat. I see that you love your family deeply, and that you are their best gift ever.

I see you being pretty damn amazing, Brie, and I see you pulling through this, one day at a time, or even an hour at a time if that's easier.

I can't express how much I wish there was wand to wave to make everything happily ever after. If you figure out an equation for that one, hit me up asap. But in the mean time, take care, treat yourself kindly and remember the big picture, because that picture is not at all complete without a healthy and happy you in it.

Stacy said...

Cammy, I completely feel the same way. Ya hear that Brie, we believe in you and are proud of you for making the effort no matter how hard.

It is ok to have a set back as long as it doesn't win you over. You ARE AMAZING and you know you are loved by so many.

xo Brie

p.s. Kendall wants mommy to be healthy as much as the rest of your loved ones do :o)

tawny said...

Brie!

I am so sorry. It must be so hard. You know we ALL just want you happy and healthy right!? So keep on going girl..hang in there! They all do it out of LOVE.

btw, you look adorable today! and on Thanksgiving...I meant to tell you earlier! xo

bananas said...

It sucks but you need to do this. Losing XX lbs in 2 weeks is not normal or acceptable when you're already underweight. That is a huge amount of weight to lose.

I hear that you're trying and I'm sorry that you need food police right now. I really hope that doesn't last long.

And darling, you know I love you, but I have to be honest and say that not only do you look sad in your picture, but you look very sick.

So please just go with the flow and do what you need to do, OK?

Alexandra Rising said...

Agree with Cammy, too!

Just going to flash back to 1996 for a second, "You go girl!" [Luna Kitten is here with me and purrs an agreement. "actggggggggggggggggggggggfq"-Kitten on keyboard]

As a wise Quaker woman once told me, "You've got the power, and I'm praying for you".

:)

McCall said...

You can do it!

lisalisa said...

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time! Grief can really take a toll, especially if you are already fragile. After I lost my baby, I ate ok, but I abused the hell out of the painkillers they gave me post-misscariage..
i know they are buggin' you, but I think it's great that you have family that can provide extra support so you don't have to go IP.
Hang on!

CG said...

oh sweetiepie, your cheeks are so sucked in I just want to inject them with hugs. we know you can get through this. xoxoo

now.is.now said...

Everything Cammy said.

You seem to know exactly what you need to do, and you're doing it. Way to go!

t. said...

recovery progress doesn't travel in a a neat little upward pointing line. it's got peaks and valleys. you'll get there though. you're doing what you need to be doing and you've got your family there to help you. i know you'll do it.

allegri said...

I couldn't agree with Cammy more. That hit me right in my empty gut. Which horrifically idolizes the 8 hours a day that I am not being continuously watched and practically hand feed. I hate the food police too. And your equation couldn't be more spot on. But I agree, we need them, we probably wouldn't be alive (or living in an outpatient setting) without them.

We love you Brie, we all are here for you, and support your need for health. I feel, and see the incredible amount of pain that you are going through & no matter how much I would love to just say that it is ok, & normal - that the amount of weight you have lost since Kendall - is all part of the grieving process. It's not. Its heart wrenching I know. But together, we all can make it through this and gain those XX amount of lbs and just be... normal.

I am praying for you babe.

Gena said...

Brie,

I am behind you 1000%. I know you are still grieving your little Kendall. I know how that hurts. I also know how it feels to be the Food Police and I know, because my daughter tells me EVERY DAY that she feels worse than I do. I believe her.

You are strong. You have come this far. I am so happy that you can see that your Food Police are only being that because they love you so much. Keep on going. You can make it again. Even through this terrible thing. You can do it. We all believe in you.

Whit said...

I agree with what everyone else has said and want you to know that I love you to peices.

I would really like to play food police tomorrow at lunch or if that doesn't work at snack after E. You just let me know.

Love Always,

Whit

Brooke said...

Girl, I'm sorry you have food police, but I am "as your sister" know that you need it right now. Me, this week going through my own little crisis lost 6 lbs. in five days not even trying, not even knowing (but believe me I'll gain it back in about 5 hrs). And your body, is super duper eager to lose weight when you stress. So please realize this is not your ED...this is to get your body recovered from your crisis my dear. I love you. Hang in there!

Penny said...

This is your EPIC struggle described very aptly by you and commented on by so many wonderful friends and sisters'. I hope that you print off everything today and read these strong insightful words written for you and believe them. Unfortunately doing it your way will result in a tragedy. Caden's big blue eyes and sweet goodness is your bridge out of this madness. Please reach for him and your good husband mentally everytime your hand reaches for another crumb of food. And then reread these loving responses to you. I am impressed that these positive thoughts for you can and will make a difference in your life. This can be the power to help you through... combined with the love of family and you will make it and gain the weight and KEEP it on! I know that Depression sucks but you are not a snowman who has to melt. You have the free will to take and make a stand for health and life. We are here and helping you the best we know how. Love,
Mom

Laura said...

if you were not losng weight after this heart breaking loss, I would be surprised. It is your "go to" when in times of trouble, pain, and anxiety. I would do the same. In fact, when I am upset with anything, my very first thought is ,"well, I wont eat."

But I have lived longer than you and now I know better. I am able to STOP that thought before I fully finish it. Mind you, this took years and years ....

You just need to get to that "know better" point.

Losing weight will not only NOT bring your sweet Kendall back, but it will take YOU away from little C and B. It is a lose/lose situation. You gain nothing (no pun intended)

Keep writing your feelings and don't give in to dumb bass ED trying to make you grieve in a way that is the worst for you. Rely on the family around you.

You are loved for a reason. Find that reason, and believe it, too.

Laura said...

that would be dumb ASS Ed...not BASS..that is a fish.

brie said...

Cammy - and all of you -

YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING.

I love you.