Tuesday, November 24, 2009

FREEdom in Writing

I bought this journal - for me and for Kendall. And in it I am writing letters to Kendall. Sometimes I write one a day, sometimes five, and sometimes, well, I’m not in the mood to write anything.

Everything about it appealed to me: the burnt oranges and yellows and warm colors on the cover, and especially, especially, the birds. I’d like to think that a mama bird is extending a branch to her baby bird. She is extending unconditional love and nurturance to her baby. She is showing her she loves her and will always take care of her.

...And the FREE, oh wow. It could mean so many things: that Kendall is free from a life she may have had to live in suffering, or that I am on my way to freeing myself from some of this grief, or even my eating disorder.

Last night I told her that I wished she could have watched Glee with me on my tivo, because it would have made her laugh, just like her mama. And I tell her always that if she had lived, and if I had had the opportunity to raise her from infancy to childhood, and finally, to womanhood, I would have wanted her to know above all else that many things in her life would have changed; she would certainly have gone through pain and hardship, but her worth and her beauty and goodness would never have changed. I wanted her to know that life can hurt and be bad but that she doesn’t have to be reduced by it. I tell her every day, in every letter, that she is good and that she is my daughter and I love her. And then I sign it
xoxo, Mommy.

And I feel really peaceful after I write these letters.

Because I know she is getting them.

18 comments:

Kara said...

I think it is great that you are doing this!

Courtney said...

This is so touching. You seriously inspire me to want to be a better person.

bananas said...

I think it's a great idea. And what a fun, awesome journal. I love it!

Heather Lindquist said...

You brought tears to my eyes! I know it's not the same, but when my mom died of cancer a few years ago, I wrote her letters for a good couple of years. I still write her now and then...I know she gets them too, just like your daughter. The pain of losing someone is so encompassing, so overwhelming at times that it seems like it'll never let up. I still feel the pains of loss of my own mama, but it doesn't weigh me down as much anymore. I can now laugh at things when I think of her. You're in my prayers and your healing journey will be unique to you. I believe you can still form a beautiful relationship with her, even though you're apart for now. Someday she'll recognize your love and gentle voice and run into your arms.

allegri said...

beautiful! I am glad you found an outlet to extend your love to her (:

brie said...

i'm sorry guys, it's suddenly occuring to me that pretty much all i'm writing about is kendall. if you get bored or whatever, i'm sorry. :( i have a feeling people are running out of things to say to make me "feel better," and that's not what i'm looking for. i love all of you and your comments and support and i hope that you are not getting frustrated or whatever with me. :/

tawny said...

Oh girl! Never apologize ever...your feelings are your feelings and your blog is your blog...for me, my blog is my outlet...I need it for me and YOu need it for you...Plus your readers LOVE and support YOU and need YOUR words...

YOu are amazing Brie...YOU still have such a tough road ahead of you...healing will take so long and that is just fine that you say all you need about sweet Kendall! We all love her and love you...

Hang in there, I admire your strength and I LOVE LOVE your journal...its beautiful..

loves, Tawny

licketysplit said...

This is such a neat idea! I'm so glad you find comfort in it.

Maeve said...

We are sad that you are going through so much pain, but in no way shape or form are we bored of what you have to say. Besides, this is your blog, you have the right to write about whatever the heck you want!

I think the journal is an excellent idea. When someone close to me (and very important to me) died I took great comfort in writing letters to them. I firmly believe they heard what I had to say. I'm glad you've managed to find comfort in this.

*hugs*

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

I don't think you need to apologize at all. This is YOUR blog after all. I think the letter writing is a fabulous and therapeutic idea. I know she knows you love her and will always love her. No doubt in my mind.
<3

Jennifer said...

the mormon bachelor blog guys told me about you. i have been where you are and it sucks. almost 5 years ago my son was stillborn at 22 weeks. you are more than welcome to read his story on my blog.
www.bolivianosunidos.blopspot.com
there are links on the sidebar on the right.
i know this is hard right now, but it gets better. someday you will look back and be able to see how much this changed you for the better. i would love to hear from you. leave a comment on my blog if you decide to read Zack's Story.

Krista said...

Brie, what a beautiful idea. I think it is amazing how you have put your feeling out there about losing your little baby girl. If you want to write about it every day we will still be here to read it because you have an amazing gift for capturing human emotion in words. Love you!

schaars said...

Oh Brie I just wanted to tell you how SORRY I am for your loss. You are such a AMAZING woman/mother and I know that one day you will be with your little girl again. My prayers and thoughts will be with you and your cute little family.

Nicole Ritchie Eskelson said...

I know we haven't kept in the best of touch but want you to know I still think of you often. I think of the carefree summer we had dating best friends; remember when we had a contest at the park to see which couple kissed the quietest? Remember Ruben's ugly yellow car, remember how simple life was? Me too. I miss you and send my love, however you may need it.

Eve said...

What a lovely idea. I know Baby Kendall is getting those letters, too. She is so lucky to have you as her mother.

Sheryl said...

This was so beautiful... I'm so bawling right now. Maybe because I think those are the perfect words for a little girl... words that are dear to me - what an incredible mother Kendall has...

yeah... still crying

belinda said...

I <3 the idea of this journal. When my partner died a few months ago, i started one. it hurt like hell but i think writing helps.

you are in my thoughts precious girl. x

Stephanie said...

Brie,
I think this is such a perfect way for you to share your thoughts with your little girl and allows you to cry, remind her you're aware of her, share your amazing motherly wisdom and just love her. She is blessed to hear letters from her mommy.
Your strength is amazing.
Free is fitting.