Thursday, November 12, 2009

Goodbye, Baby Girl

Dear Kendall,

I've never met you, but I still mourn your loss. I've never been able to hold you in my arms, whisper lullabies to you, and rock you to sleep. But I still love you with a mother's love so fierce it leaves me bewildered and out of breath.

I felt you kicking deep inside me yesterday, and I smiled to myself, and rubbed my tummy.

And today, well today, you are gone. I told Cade that you were in Heaven with Jesus and that you are very, very happy. And I believe it.

I loved you from the moment I knew you were inside me. And even though you are not anymore, I will love you and think of you every day for the rest of my life. Because you are my daughter. And I know you. And I love you.

And I believe that when I leave this life, I will join you in the next. And I will finally be able to hold you and marvel at your beautiful fingers and toes and kiss your nose and your eyelids and call you mine.

I will miss you, my darling Kendall Penny Breivik. Til we meet again, Baby Girl. Til we meet again.

Love,
Mommy

94 comments:

Telstaar said...

*still crying* I love you and I loved her. xo

Krista said...

Oh Brie my hear is breaking for you. I really feel at a loss for words. I know how much you loved that baby girl. I too know you will be again with her one day. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there. Love Krista

aliw515 said...

I am so sorry Brie. I have never commented before but read you often, and wanted to say how sorry I am. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Love, Ali

allegri said...

I am so sorry Brie. I can't stop crying reading this. I am praying for you, and your family. Stay strong in the storm. We love you.

THE CREATION OF A BEAUTIFUL LIFE said...

Oh Brie. Oh beautiful Brie. I am so sorry to hear about your lose. I am so terribly sorry to hear. My prayers are with you, B and C during this time.

God Bless you.

Please feel free to email me if you need any support.

Love ya,
-L

Jackie said...

Brie, I can't believe it. I am so sorry for this great loss - I have no words. All of my thoughts are with you, please call me if I can do anything. I love you so much and have no doubt you will see her one day. So sorry :(

bananas said...

Brie, I texted you but... I am so, so, so sorry to hear this. I'm at a loss for words. I'm crying, so sad. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

Know that you are so loved and taken care of & please take care of yourself. I love you muchly.

inthemainstream said...

[hugs] Brie, I am so sorry. Praying for you. Take care of yourself, okay?

-Amy

Emily said...

I am so sorry Brie!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Adam and Cassie said...

I am so sorry. You are so incredibly strong. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Heather Lindquist said...

Oh Brie. I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

kristin said...

Oh my goodness, Brie. I am so so sorry for your loss. I'm so so sorry for your terrible loss. :(

kaleena said...

Brie....so so so sorry. Words simply aren't adequate and I know nothing can make this better right now. Just try to hold onto to those who love you dearly and be kind and tender to yourself during this difficult time. You (and B and C) are in my prayers.

Maeve said...

My words echo those of others who are crying over your loss. As soon as I saw your post title I felt a sick pit in my stomach. I am so so so unbelievably sorry to hear of this tremendous loss.

Please know that you and your family are all in my thoughts and in my prayers. I hope that you can find in each other, and in those who love you, to get you through this time.

I am so sorry.

Sarah said...

Brie,
This is not your fault, no matter what you may think. I know how much you loved her. We all did. I'm so, so sorry. Just so sorry. I don't have words. Just hurting for you. Remember that you WILL see her again.

Alexandra Rising said...

I don't know what to say.
I am just so, so sorry for you and your family.
Perhaps that's all I can say. Ill be thinking of you. I truly will. I am so sorry.

Lindsey said...

I read your blog, I feel I know you...

Crying.

So sorry. So very sorry.

Jonny and Haley said...

Brie, we are so sorry this happened to you and your sweet family. We will be thinking of you and praying for you. Your faith is truly an example to all of us.

Melisa said...

Brie,

I am so sorry. Wish I had the perfect words or a way to make the pain go away. Just know that I will keep you in my prayers and that you truelly are an incredibly amazingly strong woman. Hang in there. Love you girl!

Jenny Bay said...

Brie,

I am SO SO sorry to hear this. My heart truly goes out to you. I know a tiny bit of what you are feeling, because I was pregnant and my baby was supposed to be due the same day as yours. You are in my prayers.

Love you!

Cammy said...

I had chills when I read the first sentence, and tears by the last one. I wish I had adequate words, Brie. My mom went through two miscarriages between my brothers, and I know that it is very hard to know how to handle a loss like this. You and your family are in my thoughts more than ever, please, please hang in there. If there is anything I can do, I'm just an e-mail away, never hesitate.

Sarah said...

Back again. I just can't stop thinking about this. How tragic. Life seems so cruel sometimes. I recently found out that my mother miscarried several times before my youngest brother. I never knew, as I was 12 and 13 and sassy and disinterested in her at the time. I grieve those babies and I grieve not knowing them and I grieve for not knowing it was happening so I could treat my mother differently. And I grieve for you and B and C, and your family.

Her name is beautiful. And how sweet it will be to meet her and know her in the future.

I'm sorry again, and I will be praying for you.

jCroft(y) said...

Brie, I am so, so sorry. I will be praying for you and for your family. Stay strong. You will see your little girl someday.

Stacy said...

Oh Brie,
All my love to you. My tears are for you and your sweet baby.

And you are right you will hold her someday and for now loving arms are around her and you while you are physically apart.

Don't blame your self ever. you did amazingly to take care of your self just for her.

xo
Stacy

Kara said...

Brie, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

Melissa said...

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tanya said...

Brie,

I am so saddened by this post. Tears are spilling over for you and your family. I could feel your excitement and wish there was something I could do for you now. I can't pretend to know what its like to even have a child or the possibility of one but I know the grief I feel at the idea of losing one and nothing compares I am sure to how you are feeling...but I am so so sorry. HUGS!!! If there is anything you need please let me know...

Please take care of yourself. You will get through this. And you will see her again.

Shannon said...

NO! Oh my goodness, Brie, I am SO sorry! I know the pain of miscarriage. I lost my first baby at 10 weeks, but I dont know if I could have handled it if I were any further along. You are so amazing and my thoughts and prayers are with you!

alriggells said...

I love you

licketysplit said...

Dear Brie... I'm so incredibly sorry. I just don't know what else to say. Thinking of you.

Paige said...

Brie, I am so, so incredibly sorry. Thinking of you and praying for you :-(

Devon said...

Oh Brie...I'm so incredibly saddened and sorry for your loss.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I have all the faith in the world that you are strong and will, without doubt, see Miss Kendall again.

Take a deep breath.

t. said...

oh no, i am so very sorry, brie. may strength and peace be with you.

Eve said...

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.

zubeldia said...

sweet Brie, you have been in my thoughts constantly. I can't even begin to articulate the loss and grief. She is your daughter, your baby girl, and every mother, as you know, will tell you that they are your children from the moment you know they are there, from the moment you touch your tummy and sense their presence and potential. You saw her, felt her, she is your girl. And I say all this to speak to the enormity of the loss, of the greatness of your grief, because sometimes that grief and mourning gets downplayed and watered down when we use words like miscarriage.. almost polite stand ins for the rawness and horror of what has happened.

I am here for you, and know that I glimpse some of the grief.

Love you and your little ones so very much,Z

sona said...

so sorry to read this brie, I hope you are doing ok, XXX

Ellie said...

sending love

Eating Alone said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Words can't say it.

Alyssa said...

I never met you, but I read your blog and it makes me feel as if I know you. Im so sorry for your loss, i know how much you loved this baby girl, and just remember it wasnt your fault. never blame yourself. you and your family are in my prayers.

Krystle said...

Oh no. Brie, I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. My heart breaks for you.

Kelly S. said...

Sending love and support your way. Your family is in my prayers.

Lizzy said...

oh brie. i am so very sorry, and so sad for you and your little family. my thoughts and my prayers are with you!

lisalisa said...

dear Brie, words cannot express how sorry I am! I lost a baby and it was incredibly painful, and I was not even as far along as you. i am at a loss for words, except to say again how sorry I am! XOXO

takeupyourbedandwalk said...

Brie, I'm so, SO sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I had something profound to say.

I'll pray for you and Brandon and Cade and Kendall. May God keep you safe in his arms and give you comfort during this time.

Marste

Angeline said...

A Penny Send From Heaven

Today I found a penny,
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
This little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven.
That's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.
He said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue;
It may be a Penny from Heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.
-Charles Mashburn

Brie, I am do sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Courtney said...

There really are no words. Just remember that beautiful, perfect angel baby--too worthy for this world--will forever watch over and protect you.

Nick and Megan said...

Brie, Nick and I are so sorry for your loss I cant imagine what you are going through. If we can do anything please let us know... We love you guys and you are in our prayers.

Alexandra said...

I only know you through your blog, but I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Dena said...

Brie, I am so very, very sorry for your loss of sweet Kendall. You WILL see her and hold her one day. I am praying for you and your family.

Dena

Dena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I'm A. said...

Don't know you Brie but am crying for you and your family. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Dena said...

www.MEND.org. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) This organization helped be tremendously. You are not alone. They have a newsletter you can subscribe to also.

James & kristi said...

Brie, I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself in any way-we are all on gods time. Take comfort in knowing that you will get to mother her some day.
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Teresa said...

Twin told me at work, then I read your blog and I am seriously crying for you at my desk. Seeing you on a daily basis and how excited you were about bringing this beautiful baby girl into the world made me happy. I so admire you and the strength you have to get through everything you have been through. I look up to you in so many ways and I know you were doing everything in your power to make sure baby girl would get here safely. I strongly believe you will meet her some day and be able to hold her in your arms. I am so sorry for your loss.

eden said...

brie, i am so sorry.

i can't think of anything else to say.

i'm sorry.

Brian said...

Brie- You know I love you. I really haven't been able to stop crying since I left the house last night. You and Brandon will be in our prayers constantly. Hang in there and remember how much you are loved.

Brian said...

That wasn't Bri...it was Misty, but he feels the same!

McIntyre Family said...

Brie my heart breaks for you. I know how much you loved this precious one. I remember when you told me that you wanted a girl, it was not just words and you loved this little girl so much. I am very sorry for your loss. I wish there were words to say how much.
Love, Tylaine

Penny said...

Brie and Brandon, too...
As someone who knows you well, I want to say you are the best parents to Cade. You are endlessly patient and sweet to him and you are giving him what he needs. Little Kendall would have been blessed to have been raised by you both. I know that. I understand how hard this loss is. I am thinking of you both constantly and wish there was some magic to help you through this. I know you will find a way. I love and respect you both.
Love,
Mom

Alexandra Rising said...

You are loved.

Brooke said...

Hey Breezy, I love you. I'm so sorry for your and B's loss. I guess it didn't hit me as much until just now as I read through your post and all the comments. Tears much.

I know you may not want it right now, but just know that you have a wonderful support system "on the web" and here at home. Sisterly bonds are stong and never break. Always remember that. Please hold on to that.

I love you and will check with you soon. Much love and prayers your way.

CG said...

speechless....sweet Brie. I am so, so sorry.

Katannah said...

Noooo... Brie, I'm so sorry. I know you didn't know me that well, but I've been reading your blog since you posted the link in your sig on the BBC. I will miss you. I hope you'll be back, mostly for my own selfish reasons. Please stay strong and know that there are people out there for you if you need to grieve with almost complete strangers.

Gena said...

Dear Brie,

I have cried off and on all day since I read your post. My heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I will be praying for you and your sweet family. I am sending hugs your way.

Gena

kissedbyan.angel said...

Dearest Brie, I'm so so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers xx

Em said...

Brie- you are right that she will still always be your baby. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Please know we love you and you are not alone. Our thoughts are with you.
Emily, Brandon, Claire and Jax

Shelby and Mike Fenton said...

Brie,

My heart is breaking for you. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Shelby (Johnson) Fenton

Amber said...

Hey Breezy, I hope you know how much we all love you and Brandon. I also hope you know you are a wonderful mother to Cade and he loves you so much. I wish I could help take away the pain, you are a wonderful sister and I love you. We will pray for you and your family. I am so sorry - Love, Amber

Lisa said...

I don't know the words to say how sorry I am. I'm thinking about you.

tawny said...

Oh gosh Brie...no words can heal your pain right now...

Just know that we ALL love you...your sis's, your friends, your fam, your bloggy friends..YOu have so many who love you and care about you...

We don't understand God's plan sometimes...it can be so hard...just know that we are all praying for you and Bran to make it through this hard time.

Hang in there girl, we are here for YOU...love you,

Tawny and Ryan

ghost girl said...

So, so sorry this happened.
wishing you peace
shawna

Brittney said...

Brie and Family...
I read this post last night and tried to write a comment but I just couldn't think of the words to write. I couldn't stop thinking about you and your husband today...I just want you to know you are in our prayers and that I am so so sorry. I really wish I could do something to take the pain away.

alriggells said...

Brie, someone posted a poem on here about finding a penny from heaven. Whenever I find a penny on the ground I pick it up and nope it isn't for good luck. Even though Kendall never got to be embraced by your love through your physical touch, she knows your love her and she loves you. She is going to be there with you and she will love her mommy always.

Keely said...

I am so, so sorry Brie. (hug) If there's anything I can do, please let me know.

Just That ZombieGrrl said...

I'm so sorry, Brie. May you find comfort and peace again, in time. *gentle hugs* You're in my thoughts.

Nichole said...

I am so sorry. Every time I go to leave a comment I just start crying.I don't know what to say... You are in my prayers.

Sheyenne said...

So sorry for your loss! You are in my thoughts and prayers... please stay strong, for there are so many people who love you and want you to keep fighting ED out of your life.
((hugs))

Sheyenne said...

So sorry for your loss! You are in my thoughts and prayers... please stay strong, for there are so many people who love you and want you to keep fighting ED out of your life.
((hugs))

Sheyenne said...

So sorry for your loss! You are in my thoughts and prayers... please stay strong, for there are so many people who love you and want you to keep fighting ED out of your life.
((hugs))

"Julia" said...

Oh, Brie... There aren't any words. You are in my heart, your beautiful little girl, your beautiful family, and your beautiful self.
My prayers are with you.
Much love.

Keirelle said...

I don't even know what to say. I usually check your blog nearly everyday, and I hadn't in a few...this is just not what I was expecting and it just breaks my heart for all of you. I am so, so sorry Brie.

Sheryl said...

Brie...
don't know what to say...
my eyes are full here at work...
my heart is with you.

MUCH LOVE

Sheryl said...

I know you probably don't want to think of this kind of thing or anything right now - maybe you do, I don't know, but I used to work at Primary Childrens - and they have so many bereavement support things for moms and families -

Bereavement Services...662-3727

http://www.medicalhomeportal.org/resources/services/category/317#Salt-Lake-City--UT

*WITH LOVE*

Beaman Family said...

Brie I'm so saddened to hear this. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling. My love and prayers are with you and your family right now. I'm so sorry.

Rachel Bott said...

I started reading your blog a little while ago. I am friends with your twin brother's wife. But I want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. I can feel that pain you are going through because I have been through it myself. There is nothing as painful. I know your little baby girl is waiting for you in heaven. She knows your love and will be there watching and waiting for you to come home. I have been told that spirits so special only need to be given a body, they have no need to be tested here on earth. She is in the arms of a loving Father in Heaven. We will keep you in our prayers.

David and Amanda said...

David and I are so sorry for your loss! My sister went through something similar last year, half way through her pregnancy. Just keep crying until you finally feel like you are done crying. Don't let anyone tell you to stop crying! You and your entire family will be in our paryers!

Michele Renee said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Arielle Lee Bair said...

My heart breaks for your loss. There are no words, but my thoughts are with you.

Megs said...

Brie,
My prayers are with you and your family - I am so sorry you are going through this. Your love for your daughter was and is so evident. I came across this website and wanted to share it with you - there's a section on Miscarriage: www.agoodgrief.com.

Jan said...

I wrote you once, before I read your blog, but I wanted you and Brandon to know how much we love you. We are praying for you during this terrible time. Love always, Jan.

We are 3. said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. From a mom who once lost her baby, I know how hard it is and am sad that you have to go through it too.
You are in my prayers.

bluecatr2w said...

Brie, I haven't commented before but I follow your blog and am also recovering from an ED. I just wanted to let you know that I too am thinking of you and am sorry for your loss.

Shannon said...

I am crying for you and your heartbreak, but what lovely faith and hope you have.

Ivy said...

That was perfectly put. I am in tears. I am so so sorry you had to go through something so horrible.
Ivy