Monday, November 9, 2009

Not Much

This weekend was pretty lame. I picked out fabrics to make a rag quilt for Baby Girl, and I ate a yummy quesadilla at Café Rio, but that about sums up the highlights of the weekend. I was feeling icky, as was C. Brandon and my mom are taking him this morning/afternoon to get another kidney test done. I’m not entirely sure what kind of mother this makes me, but I really can’t handle going through watching him be in pain again. It’s too traumatizing for me. So, at Husband’s request, I am staying home (actually going to therapy, ironically) while he and my mom go to the hospital with my little guy. I feel guilty, but this time he’ll be under sedation so he really shouldn’t remember that his mama wasn’t there. But I still feel really, really terrible.

My sister thinks I’m depressed by reading my blog entries as of late. Maybe? I don’t know. It’s not that I’m really depressed per se, I guess there’s just a lot going on, and trying to get through it and sort through it isn’t always the easiest. I am mostly just working really hard to eat my mealplan every day, (which continues to increase) and breathe (I mean this literally with my faulty lungs - getting dressed is a workout right now) and just get through one step at a time. I have indeed gained weight (yippee, right?) which is a very good step as opposed to my last pregnancy with C. By this time with him, I was down 16 lbs. I have now gained x lbs, and though I still weigh less than I did with C at this time, I really do feel that I am healthier. I’m beginning to feel Baby Girl move too, which is an indescribably sweet experience. It’s like I have my own 'lil banana swimming laps inside me. Okay that kind of sounds pedophile-ish but I mean it in a really cool, non-fruitcake way. Really I do.

Very glad my parents are home from their month long foray to Europe. It’s so sad they probably went for a nice respite and then have come home to major family drama. My sister M is very sick with Meningitis, my other sissy B has had Swine Flu, and you know I’m ALWAYS just a bundle of joy to deal with, and now C’s kidneys… :/ Let’s just say that mum's been really busy dealing with all of us! But hey, the lime green cashmere scarf she brought me home from Greece and the silk tie she brought Hubs from Italy? I’m not hatin’ ‘em. :) And Baby Girl is happy she is home too, because now she’ll get more nutritious meals rather than Taco Bell and Honey Bunches of Oats.

So this is me, today. I guess I can’t always be brilliant and/or funny, right? Kinda mediocre. Whateva.


sona said...

hey brie, thanks for being so honest, sometimes its good we take time for ourselves, and if were feeling overwhelmed, step back and let others help us. Thats what family is there for, Im sure what they want most is to see you healthy and well, and Im sure in time someday youll be able to help them out too when they need it.

Take care

Keirelle said...

Well, Brie, you have sounded quite down from what I am used to reading, but since I don't know you personally, I can't say much. Of course, depression can be weird- I didn't realize that my irritability (which I always blamed solely on PMS, while stating I was NOT depressed) is, in fact, a typical depression sign. You don't need to be laying in a dark cave (ie bedroom) without moving from under your blankets except to go pee to be depressed. Who knew? I am sure all this stress and baby hormones isn't helping for you either. When that sort of stuff starts getting to me I just keep telling myself it has to end sometime! =) Hope things pick up for you soon.

allegri said...

Brie darling, I understand your over-wellment in this situation. But you have persevered through it thus far, you can hang on for a bit longer, I promise. But just know, that when you can't hold on any longer, your family and friends (even us blogger fellows) will be here to catch you. Its ok to to not be able to do to everything, to handle these stressors is far to much for one to bear. Remember he Lord your God will never allow you to be tested beyond what you can bear. (1 corinthians 10:13)

Maeve said...

I would definitely agree that lately your blog posts have been a lot more down than usual, but I do also think that's completely understandable. You're having to be a loving mother and wife, grow a baby, recover from an eating disorder, go to work, deal with your own physical ailments, and watch your little boy suffer in ways that have reminded you of your own suffering. What I find remarkable is not that you're down but that you are showing such tremendous strength during this time. You should feel unbelievably proud of yourself. Cade and girl-to-be are so very very lucky to have a mama like you!

DO NOT feel like a bad mother for not going with Cade to the tests. He knows his mother is there for him, and he knows just how much you love him. You made the right call for your family. You are, as I said, an amazing mother.

Take care of yourself!

brie said...

i wish i could meet each and every one of you. i read all your comments and cried. yes, pregnant lady hormones + your kindness and love = brie being a hot mess.

thank you so much.

Alexandra Rising said...

Just wanted to drop in and say I'm sorry to hear about your sisters, I hope they get better soon. Meningitis is mean, and I hear H1N1 is no picnic either.
I'm glad the little one will be under sedation when he has his procedure done. He'll have his dad and your mom there, so he wont be alone :) said...

Just wanted to tell you I enjoy reading your blog whether you're in a "funny/brilliant" mood or a "mediocre" mood (which, by the way, isn't mediocre at all.) I appreciate the honesty and enjoy the blog just as much as I do every day.

Great job at continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I know it's not easy.

Brooke said...

I don't know if I was the sister who said that you "sounded" depressed through your blogs, but....anyways, I am proud of you for what you do every single day. You have so many strengths and you are a wonderful mother. I'm happy that Cade's procedure is done. I want to hear the results asap!

t. said...

you've got a lot to deal with right now. lean on the people who love you and don't feel guilty about it. that is what family is for.