Monday, November 23, 2009

Still at birth, but still with me forever.

Physically, I am beginning to feel better. I haven’t passed out in three days (Gooooo Brie, go-go-go Brie!) and I can actually get around a grocery store without a wheelchair. I am not taking this for granted.

However, now that I am not so preoccupied with actually physically maintaining LIFE, my body and mind have once again been focused on mourning baby Kendall. Did you know that I was far enough along that losing Kendall was not considered a miscarriage, but a stillbirth? Did you know that mourning a daughter I never got to hold in my arms or murmur lullabies to still hurts as much as if I’d known her and loved her and had the amazing opportunity to meet her?

My milk came in on Friday. It was the oddest feeling…for my body to be producing life and nourishment for a child I’ll never be able to give that to in this life. The pain of making this milk is a LITERAL reminder of losing her. My body is not yet ready, I think, to forget that I had a child, that I made a beautiful baby girl. And I’m not ready to forget, either. I never will be. She deserves to be remembered and respected for the love and the joy she gave me – even for the short time she was with me.

Did you know that being back at work today sucks? I can’t fall apart here; at work I am strong and confident and professional and not sad and not insecure and especially not “crazy.” I know people care but when people ask how I am, what the hell am I supposed to say? I’m fine? Well, I’M NOT. So I just smile a little and say “I’m feeling a bit better.” That, I think, is not a lie.

‘Cuz I will be okay. But boy I miss Kendall kicking and squirming inside me. I really miss that a lot.

15 comments:

kristin said...

You will be okay. Take care, Brie. You are loved. :)

Dena said...

Brie,

Unfortunately, I knew you were far enough along that sweet Kendall was stillborn. I also was induced and labored to give birth to my silent baby Elizabeth after she died inside me. It is a terrible thing to have to go through. I am so sorry that you had to experience such a horrific thing.

I wanted to pass along this link to you, www.rockitcreations.com. I ordered a beautiful rock from this company and put it in my flower bed along with a Magnolia tree we planted for her and a rose bush from her grandmother.

Kendall was your precious daughter and so loved. I will be praying for you and your family.

Melisa said...

Wow, I did not know that it was considered a still birth not a miscarriage.

I am proud of you for going to work. That has to take a lot on your part and I just want to say, GOOD JOB, for that.

Good luck today. Remember.....one day at a time.

Stacy said...

I can't imagine having my milk and no little one to give it to. I hope you can feel her love for you when you need it most... and even if it had been considered a miscarriage, not matter the wording you would have felt the same. You loved her and always will. I am glad you are feeling a bit better and that at least physically you are on your way to recovery. you are so special Bire, and you are loved.

xo
Stacy

Penny said...

"Still at Birth but Still with me forever." Brie that wording is so precious. I will never forget it. I will never forget little Kendall Penny either! She is gone for now but NOT gone forever. I love you.
Mom

Sheyenne said...

Brie,
Thank you for your blog. When I found your blog I knew we had one thing in common... we are both in recovery and trying to live an ED-free life. Your honesty and strength are an encouragement to me. Last week, we found out we are having a baby girl, who we've named Whitney Jill. We also found out that she is very, very sick and will most likely not make it. We are in a waiting period right now... not really knowing what will happen. We have chosen not to stop her beating heart, but rather to let God continue to have full control of her life. Among other things, she has an infection in her heart and has pretty much stopped growing like she should. As a mother, it kills me to know there is nothing I can do to make her better. I know what you mean when you write that you are mourning a baby you have never held and love her just as much as if you had. I feel exactly the same way. Hugs and prayers.
Shey

Samantha Kay said...

I've been slacking on keeping up with all (or let's say any) of the blogs I follow. Actually I haven't read them in over a month. Maybe two.
I was excited to see baby pictures of your new little one though and when running through the updates your title caught my attention. I am a little bit in shock... completely did not expect to read this. Guess I should've kept up on your posts.

I send my condolences to you and your family. I hope all ends well and just know she is safe in your heart and wherever else she may be. :D

Laur said...

I can't believe you are already back at work, I wish you could have taken more time off! I love the title of your post. Its very appropriate. hugs...let me know when you are up for a little visit or something.

Arielle Bair (Becker) said...

It's got to be one of the hardest things ever. I really, really feel for you, sweets. Take one day at a time. Just one day at a time. Sending strength.

Cammy said...

This is one of those cases where I don't think there are really adequate words to describe how much I regret that you have had to go through this. I know you are probably sick of hearing this, but keep hanging in there, Brie. You are incredible, and I hope you never forget that you deserve nothing less than the best.
Hugs <3

Maeve said...

Sadly I had guessed she counted as stillborn. Regardless of the term, it just breaks my heart to imagine the suffering. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I wish you didn't have to experience it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

kaleena said...

take care of yourself brie. if you need more time off work, don't hesitate to say so.

i wish i could do/say something that would help, but i just know i can't. at any rate, know you are loved and cared for by many.

allegri said...

Its a silent reminder of a screaming love. We are praying for you and love you. God bless.

Whit said...

I love you!

Sarah said...

It's okay to not be fine. It's okay to be a little bit better. It's okay if you're a little bit worse today. This is a tragedy that no one should have to go through. You are allowed to feel whatever your emotions are throwing your way that day. I know you don't want to feel any of them because you just want to be pregnant still. Please tell us WHATEVER and HOWEVER you are feeling and realize that there is no "appropriate trajectory" for this type of scenario.

And if anything, remind yourself that this horrific situation is at least giving you something interesting for your memoirs. I tell myself that when life sucks-"at least my story is more interesting and relatable now. And would sell more copies." It doesn't FIX anything by any means, but it's interesting to think about where our stories are going. There is this great quote by Thornton Wilder who says, "all of history is a great tapestry and each man can only see a hand's-breadth." I remind myself of this when the part I'm seeing sucks--that I believe in a sovereign God who is working for my good, and that He wouldn't let me go through unnecessary pain even if I feel like that. My God isn't the bully on the anthill squishing me; He's the master artist. These are the types of things I try to remind myself of when I experience tragedy. If I don't remind myself of these things, I sink into useless despair. I am praying for you sweetie and I know you have a great support system both in person and here on the Internet. Remember that we all love you.